It's me again...fail fail fail...I really want to start this all over...I woke not remembering what I did last night, I couldn't remember how I got to bed or if I ate because my tummy was so upset. Well, when I walked in my kitchen I remembered I think I cooked a frozen pizza. Not sure how much I ate or if I even put it away or not. Maybe DH did...of course I can't ask b/c if he didn't then he would know I drank too much and can't remember.
I am such an idiot...I realized this morning I am a true ALCOHOLIC. I never really wanted to admit that before...I never wanted to be labeled that. I guess I need more education on what it is and what it does to our bodies and minds because growing up I always thought of an alcoholic being a bad person, I know now that it's something nobody can control.
Question is how do I fix myself? I know coming here is a start but what about tonight when the BEAST comes for me? What about when I want to go to a friends house and they drink? What do I do when a friend calls me to come hang out and I want to go so bad because shes a good drinking buddy, but the law of an alcoholic means you can't. How do I explain it to other people?
I can't make it past day 3...the last and longest time I remember being sober was 2 weeks. I remember walking down my hallway thinking...wow...this is what its like to be sober..this is great. Then I kid myself and think...see...I can go without drinking...I'm fine and then it just starts over.
How do I get help? what do I do? I don't want to go to AA meetings. The last and only one I went to all I did was cry and feel sorry for myself and hated myself. I looked around the room and felt so stupid for being there...hoped nobody I know would be there...It didn't take long before the bottle was back in my hand.
IDK...thanks for listening
Stay strong everyone
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