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Why do I keep doing this to myself?

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    #1

    Why do I keep doing this to myself?

    Good morning everyone!

    It's me again...fail fail fail...I really want to start this all over...I woke not remembering what I did last night, I couldn't remember how I got to bed or if I ate because my tummy was so upset. Well, when I walked in my kitchen I remembered I think I cooked a frozen pizza. Not sure how much I ate or if I even put it away or not. Maybe DH did...of course I can't ask b/c if he didn't then he would know I drank too much and can't remember.

    I am such an idiot...I realized this morning I am a true ALCOHOLIC. I never really wanted to admit that before...I never wanted to be labeled that. I guess I need more education on what it is and what it does to our bodies and minds because growing up I always thought of an alcoholic being a bad person, I know now that it's something nobody can control.

    Question is how do I fix myself? I know coming here is a start but what about tonight when the BEAST comes for me? What about when I want to go to a friends house and they drink? What do I do when a friend calls me to come hang out and I want to go so bad because shes a good drinking buddy, but the law of an alcoholic means you can't. How do I explain it to other people?

    I can't make it past day 3...the last and longest time I remember being sober was 2 weeks. I remember walking down my hallway thinking...wow...this is what its like to be sober..this is great. Then I kid myself and think...see...I can go without drinking...I'm fine and then it just starts over.

    How do I get help? what do I do? I don't want to go to AA meetings. The last and only one I went to all I did was cry and feel sorry for myself and hated myself. I looked around the room and felt so stupid for being there...hoped nobody I know would be there...It didn't take long before the bottle was back in my hand.

    IDK...thanks for listening

    Stay strong everyone
    Honeysoup :heart:
    Tags: None
    #2
    Why do I keep doing this to myself?

    Honeysoup - you really can do this. I promise. Do you have the supplements, the book, the toolbox to help you design your plan? Just making sure you have what you need to succeed...
    That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
    Admitting I need healing. And I am not big enough to do this alone.
    AF - August 20, 2012

    Comment

      #3
      Why do I keep doing this to myself?

      First off, Honey, this is not a game of willpower. If it was, no one would be an alcoholic. You need to visit your doctor and find out what kind of medications you might need to help with cravings. Also, you should visit the Tool Box on this site, and formulate a plan that works for you. Quitting is not easy, but it is easier with a plan in place.

      LG


      "I like people too much or not at all."       Sylvia Plath

      Comment

        #4
        Why do I keep doing this to myself?

        I already have...I have Campral...problem is it doesn't really work until you are AF for about 3-5 days. I have to get past that first and its not easy.:nutso:
        Honeysoup :heart:

        Comment

          #5
          Why do I keep doing this to myself?

          Hi Honeysoup,

          You have hit on a very important point that we have all had to come to terms with --- If you cannot quit easily then you are alcohol dependent or an alcoholic (HATE that word). You thought just shear will power would get you over the hump....welll, hang on, you are in for a ride. It takes huge amounts of work. Do the hard work, and you will not be sorry you did. All you have to do is not drink; you can do everything else! Right now you can do any thing but that and your reward will be amazing.

          Comment

            #6
            Why do I keep doing this to myself?

            Oh, how I hate that word too - resisting ever calling myself that probably delayed me in seeking help. Even now, I prefer to think of myself as "having a drinking problem". Are there other ways to express it so that we don't have to feel quite so labeled and stigmatised by a word that has come to mean "hopeless" just about. To me it's as though "alcoholic" is linked to the old, traditional, judgemental way of viewing this DISEASE, and that it would be good to come up with something else, that still conveys how serious it is, but takes away that awful stigma.....
            If you always think what you've always thought,
            You'll always feel what you've always felt.
            If you always feel what you've always felt,
            You'll always do what you've always done.
            If you always do what you've always done,
            You'll always get what you've always got.


            3 Days AF = DONE
            6 Days AF = DONE
            14 Days AF = DONE
            21 Days AF = DONE
            28 Days AF = DONE
            30 Days AF = DONE
            60 Days AF = hmm, much bigger gap to this goal, but let's see if ODAAT works for this one too....

            Comment

              #7
              Why do I keep doing this to myself?

              Hi Honeysoup. Whether you know it or not, you have already started the basics of your plan. A good plan is WHAT YOU NEED. That eluded me for a long time. I "thought" i had one...I had read about plans - I knew I needed one...but it took way more than reading here and taking my supplements. And just reading others' plans wasn't enough. It needed to be MY plan. Because I face different challenges than other people.

              "I know coming here is a start but what about tonight when the BEAST comes for me?

              What about when I want to go to a friends house and they drink?

              What do I do when a friend calls me to come hang out and I want to go so bad because shes a good drinking buddy, but the law of an alcoholic means you can't. How do I explain it to other people?"

              These are your               questions ..Part of your plan is figuring out what these questions/ challenges even are...and then working on figuring out what the answers are. You are already thinking about these things! :goodjob: Now, if you plan what your actions will be....and think about more challenges/ questions/ scenarios/ irritations/ triggers/ etc...that are linked to drinking...then work on adding to your plan - how you will deal with each of those when they arise.

              What will you do tonight when the cravings hit? Go for a walk? Hit the gym? Drink enough selzer so there's no room for alcohol? Eat cupcakes? Call someone on the phone? Take a bath? Take a nap? Surf the net? Read MWO? Bathe your dogs? Paint the bathroom?

              And what will your response to friends be? You're detoxing? You quit drinking because your 'off switch" is broken? you're trying to lose weight? You've been getting headaches from it? You want to set a better example?

              You've got a good start - just don't stop where you are...:l
              ~

              Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

              Sobriety date: Sept 26, 2011

              Comment

                #8
                Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                Oh Honey, I know, boy do I know what you're feeling. I thought I would NEVER get off that damn roller-coaster. Waking up in the morning not remembering what happened the night before, what I ate, IF I ate, who I talked to, etc., etc.,...oh it was hell.

                I know you want to stop this cycle, I can hear it in your post. I tried Campral as well, for me it didn't work. The only thing that has truly worked for me is Antabuse. You simply cannot drink on it! It doesn't take away cravings, but it takes away the daily inner-battle of "should I drink tonight?" If something is just NOT an option, you really do spend less time thinking about it. Could you ask your doctor for a prescription? It will give you a good chunk of sober time, allowing you to focus on the other issues at hand.

                I truly feel for you and understand where you're coming from...you are not alone in this!

                xoxo
                K9
                :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                  Desert Lady -- Sure, by all means call it what you want. I prefer to say I have a drinking problem too! But it is a problem and I could not quit very easily when I first came to terms with my problem. Just like Lolab said you need a hell of a good plan because it has you. Realizing that is a huge step.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                    Don't even factor your friends into this yet. You need to figure out how to get through 3-5 days sober. Don't accept any invitations for the next 3-5 days.

                    Work on your short term plan. Get some l-Glutamine. I took 1000mg 4x a day. Get rid of any wine in your house. Buy something to drink instead of wine. Drink whatever it is you bought out of your wine glass. When the cravings hit, get active or get distracted. Do something physical or something that requires your attention or brainpower. Buy Jason Vale's book Kick the Drink Easily. Go to bed early. Read the tool box for more ideas.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                      I had A LOT of early nights in the early days. DH didn't like it much cos he didnt see me but tough - it was the only way to get through. For me anyway. I didn't have time to deal with his shit when I was fighting so hard for myself.

                      Day 17 today and I can actually stay up until 10pm now without getting grouchy LOL. I have a bath and am in PJ's by 6pm most nights. I'm a lazy mare and once I'm in PJ's i generally can't be bothered to get dressed and go out again for wine. I watch TV or a DVD, read (my library is becoming more useful now whereas in the beginning I couldn't sit and read cos I couldn't concentrate without thinking of AL). I love love LOVE Jason Vale's book, get it if you haven't already.

                      Be prepared for being very hungry, get in crisps, sweets, order a takeaway, whatever you fancy. I domt know about you but I barely ate when drinking, now i'm making up for lost time! Is your DH being supportive? If so, get him to go buy it all at the supermarket so that you don't stop off yourself to get it and be tempted by the AL aisle. Go to the gym or a dance class in the evening to distract you if you're not too tired from work. It raises your endorphins too so you feel naturally happy.

                      There's loads, LOADS of things you can do - you just have to find something that works for you. We can all understand the experiences, cravings etc but the actual AF journey and how you travel it is very personal. Take care x

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                        I had A LOT of early nights in the early days. DH didn't like it much cos he didnt see me but tough - it was the only way to get through. For me anyway. I didn't have time to deal with his shit when I was fighting so hard for myself.

                        Day 17 today and I can actually stay up until 10pm now without getting grouchy LOL. I have a bath and am in PJ's by 6pm most nights. I'm a lazy mare and once I'm in PJ's I generally can't be bothered to get dressed and go out again for wine. I watch TV or a DVD, read (my library is becoming more useful now whereas in the beginning I couldn't sit and read cos I couldn't concentrate without thinking of AL). I love love LOVE Jason Vale's book, get it if you haven't already.

                        Be prepared for being very hungry, get in crisps, sweets, order a takeaway, whatever you fancy. I don't know about you but I barely ate when drinking, now I'm making up for lost time! Is your DH being supportive? If so, get him to go buy it all at the supermarket so that you don't stop off yourself to get it and be tempted by the AL aisle. Go to the gym or a dance class in the evening to distract you if you're not too tired from work. It raises your endorphins too so you feel naturally happy.

                        There's loads, LOADS of things you can do - you just have to find something that works for you. We can all understand the experiences, cravings etc but the actual AF journey and how you travel it is very personal. Take care x

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                          Don't know why that posted twice lol, sorry!

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                            Willow23;1291355 wrote: Don't know why that posted twice lol, sorry!
                            It was worth repeating!
                            :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                            Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                              K9Lover;1291363 wrote: It was worth repeating!
                              :H:H:H

                              Comment

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