Do I have some kind of death wish?

[broken halo]

I have been off work this week, basically all I have done is smoke and drink, to the point I was starting at lunchtime just to get rid of the shakes. I stopped smoking for 3 months, was managing to drink moderately, but this last week has me terrified for myself.

No one knows how bad I am. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have had a couple of drinks to ease the shakes, but I don't want to have any more. I want my life back, the cracks are starting to show and becoming bigger by the day. I was drinking like a fiend, it's as though part of me wants to self destruct. I hate myself right now. Sorry, I just had to let it out.

I am going to go for a walk and have a bath, please send me strength. And thanks for always being here.

[Arial]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Dear Broken Halo,

No one needs to know how bad you are except yourself, because the desire to change has to come from within. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom and really scaring ourselves before we're able to say 'enough is enough', and not only want out, but actively seek a way to get out. Maybe this is your rock bottom - maybe this is the point you needed to reach and the fear you needed to have to find the strength and mindset to now do something about it.

So, we're here and will always be here whenever you need us. Be strong and take the first step - without a first step there will never be the second, or third. So do it, do it today - come back here and read, read, read while you take time to recover. Think up a game plan - arm yourself - what is your dream if alcohol wasn't part of your life? - what is it that alcohol is robbing you of? Sometimes looking beyond the actual not drinking can help give you another perspective and additional motivation.

So take that first step and we'll be journeying alongside you as you get in your stride!:h x

[Lavande]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

broken halo,

Glad you posted!
You certainly do not have a death wish, none of us do, that's why we come here!

You mentioned that you were successfully drinking moderately ~ maybe not.
AL is sneaky & once we let it back in our lives it just takes over, again!

Go back to the tool box today & gather the best tools you can find. Get rid of the AL & drink lots of water today, just take good care of yourself. You will start feeling better very soon but only if you stop drinking now :l

Jump in the Newbies Nest for a while, lots of support there

Wishing you the best!
Lav

[Unwasted]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

BH, I used to wonder the same thing about myself but for me it wasn't true at all. It was only after starting to get some sober time that I realized how alcohol was affecting everything in my life from sleep to anxiety to how I coped with problems.......you name it. Once I got sober life was much better. If you can get some time, you'll see what's been cause/effect.

Wishing you the best!

UN

[broken halo]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I just feel so damned. Maybe I am. And the worse thing is, I know I am doing it to myself. I have so mcuh going for me, it seems like I want to destroy it all.

[Lavande]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

But, you really don't want to destroy it all, do you?

Feeling overwhelmed & a bit out of control due to AL is pretty common I think.
You can take back control if that's what you really want!!!!
Dump whatever AL you have left in your house & start counting up the AF hours, one at a time. You will be so happy you did, I promise

[broken halo]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Thanks again for all the kindness shown here. Feeling a good bit better today and yes, Day 1.

[Unwasted]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

BH, so glad you're feeling up today. When I have a bad day I just remember that it will pass. I usually have one, maybe two in a row but rarely more than that.

Wishing you the best.:l

[patricia]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Hi BH

Lavanda is so right - when you are just at the beginning and have just made that big decision, count the hours up one at a time - that's what I did and it really does help and even though you might toss and turn the first night (and maybe other nights in the early days) you'll have several hours to add on to your waking ones in the morning- try it. For me this time, I was edgy and restless for several days and unlike some of the troopers out there who ran and walked and exercised, I just went to my bed within an hour or two of coming home from work. I drank loads of tea and got up two, three sometimes four times in a night to go to the loo. But guess what, I wasn't sweating, I wasn't scared and and I wasn't anxious - I knew that as each hour passed I was turning a corner. Please please try it because it is so very worth it. My life isn't idyllic - I don't post on here what's going on in my life but it is all so much easier to deal with not having the horrible side-effects of AL. The other thing I did was to post and log on as much as I could during the day and when I was in bed at night I used my iphone. Just give it a chance please - you'll never regret it. Px

[patricia]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

PS - Thought I should add - I am still in the early days (12 AF under my belt) but if you keep reading the posts and listening to people who have been here a long time, they will help drag you kicking and screaming through the early days . . . . . . PX

[Nelz]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Arial;1302098 wrote: Dear Broken Halo,

No one needs to know how bad you are except yourself, because the desire to change has to come from within. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom and really scaring ourselves before we're able to say 'enough is enough', and not only want out, but actively seek a way to get out. Maybe this is your rock bottom - maybe this is the point you needed to reach and the fear you needed to have to find the strength and mindset to now do something about it.

This I believe with all my heart........I tried for years to quit before I finally hit my rock bottom.

I also agree, maybe you could use this as "your" rock bottom, start to get just a few AF days behind you. Build on them, 1 day, 7 days, 14 days......they will add up fairly quickly. At "first" it will be tough, but it will get easier. Once you start adding up days, you have a reason to continue...you are breeding success, and not failure.

Try to remember the way you feel when you have given in to the drink, and how you felt after....use that as motivation to never feel that way again.

I wish you all the strength, knowledge, and support needed to reach your goals....you can do it!

[broken halo]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Thanks everyone. Patricia, that post was awesome. I probably won't sleep too well, but better being tired in the morning than hungover!

Nelz, I certainly felt rock bottom yesterday, and m thankful and grateful that I am alive, that I have a job and my family still.

I really appreciate everything you guys have said. I am off to work, a wee bit shaky but I will be fine. No booze in the house and it's staying that way. Thanks again. :h

[Unwasted]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Broken Halo,

I just wanted to echo what others have said here. For the longest time I didn't think it was possible for me to live without alcohol. It was truly a way of life for me. I had no children and therefore nothing to keep me in check - total freedom to drink like a fish -- no one to answer to. My parents are both gone, family has dwindled, etc......

Something changed, though. I just kept at it and each time I failed (two very serious attempts and other swearing off attempts). I probably (seriously) tried over the period of a year and a half.

I read books about addiction, exercised, changed my routine up some. Little by little as I would get up each day I would marvel at how amazing I felt. When I had down times (and still do for about 2 hours between 5-7 -- my witching hour) I just rode it out. Those times pass and the rest of the day -- before and after that two hour down time is pretty wonderful. The down time isn't really even bad - just kinda blah. Once your sleep corrects itself, you won't believe how good it will be (at least for me).

YOU CAN DO THIS........Wishing you the best! :lilheart:

UN

[K9Lover]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Hi BH -
I just wanted to chime in and say that I am here to support you also. I know where you are coming from, I wondered daily WHY I was doing this to myself...and I could never come up with an answer. Rock bottom for me wasn't 2 DUI's or all the embarrassing crap that I did while drunk. It was one morning where I'd called in sick (again) and laid in my bed crying with sooo much anxiety, I just knew right then and there that I was DONE. NO MORE. Tomorrow is day 120 for me (not my first quit, but my longest, and last).
Please hang in there and know that you CAN do this. We are here to help you any way we can so please keep posting. I'll be sending you positive thoughts and strength!
K9

[Arial]

Do I have some kind of death wish?

Congratulations!

Hi BH - Congratulations on getting day 1 under your belt! Little by little the achievements build, as does the pride, your self esteem and the motivation ... I found the hypno tapes that come with the MWO programme really helped me - maybe because they made me focus on something other than drink? I also found looking beyond the alcohol sometimes helped - ie. instead of focusing on not being able to drink, look for things that you are able to do now that you don't drink - look for the positives. If you're anything like me, I now have another 4hours of life each day with which to do as I choose and I choose not to drink!

I like the following quote:

YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE
HOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
OR WHEN.
YOU CAN ONLY DECIDE
HOW YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE.
NOW.
Joan Baez

Hang in there and keep posting/reading/sharing - we're not going anywhere