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[Wynot]

Just to start out, I'm really feeling down on myself - so be warned this is probably going to sound like a personal pity party. I REALLY wanted to get my problem under control this time. But somehow I just keep sabotaging my efforts. Have caved in three times already for no good reason. You know the cartoons with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other arguing it out on either side of your head. Sometimes that little devil tells me the things I want to hear. "It won't hurt to have a bottle of wine tonight. You deserve it. Blah.. Blah.. Blah.."

Why do I fall for it all the time. I didn't even enjoy the first sip. But of course once the bottle's open what the hey....

One of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for help. I'm always supposed to be the go-to girl, the one whose life looks like such a freakin' joy on the outside. But I need help with this. I've tried the AA thing and it just makes me feel creepy and depressed. And call me a sarcastic bitch, but I hate all those pithy little sayings that are supposed to help. You know "Denial is not a river in Egypt" My :moon:

I also feel crappy today because I've slept downstairs on the couch for the past two nights. Not for the usual reason. My husband and I are actually getting along pretty well. I have a 13 year old golden retriever who has arthritis. She slipped on the ice the other day and can't make it up stairs. I am so damn attached to this dog and I am afraid that the time we have together is getting short.

OK now I'm crying and I feel like an idiot. I don't know why I am even posting this. But I have to ask for a little help to get through this day without resorting to my old standby. The Numb-out drug that I've relied on for so long now....

Thank you for whoever's read this far. Sorry for the bummer post.

Diane

[Rocky]

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Wynot,

I have not been here long enough to have history with you but thought I'd give you a shout.

What parts of the MWO program have you utilized to help with the addiction and or cravings to drink?

The cycle you describe I believe all of us here have experienced or are experiencing so you are in no way alone. There are a couple threads in here that folks listed why they hate to drink, how it hurts them and really does not help them in life. Those lists were a start for me to hate what alcohol does to me and all the members here at MWO

As for your Dog... I totally understand... I have three, and the oldest is going on 13...He is so special and the thoughts you are having I am as well... as was mentioned elsewhere Live, Love Forgive... Life is fragile.
Thanks for posting and thoughts and prayers are with you...

[lushy]

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Diane, I am sorry you are in such a sad place right now. The devil and angel resides in most of us I'm afraid. I wish I had some powerful words of wisdom but I am trying to sort it all out myself. You are not a bummer and I hope by writing your feelings you feel a little better.

[Surrender]

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Awwww Dont feel so bad Diane, ya dont need to beat yourself up, Just keep tellin yourself "It is what it is" If at first ya dont succeed.. Well you know, Look at me im in the same Boat, been here since September, Fallin down & pickin myself up 100+ times now, Over and Over again, My problem is is that I wasnt committed, I mean when I first found myo I was in a really BAD space, the "Dark hole" and didnt think I was ever gonna get out, But I found this place and RJ sent me the book and I got all the Supps ect.. and was Very excited to get with the program like most newbes & "I did" and then I didn't and then I did and then I didn't and then I didn't & Didn't & Didn't Again....... I was waiting for 06 to be OVER it was the worst year of my adult life ( My husband lost his job of 20 years rite after christmas) and its Now February 07 and im still runnin behind the Bus but im catchin up more & more each day & im determined to make it this time, I dunno if I want to totally abstain for the rest of my life, Cuz for me thats unrealistic, I just need to get a grip on this little devil who seems to have taken control of my mind, B4 it was always a "Party" yeeeehawww what we "Drinkin" tonite? But when the "Party" turns to "Pain" its time to give it up !!! ive been doin this 30+ years and its when ya realize its a Problem.... Theres No goin back, This is a tuff nut to crack!!! probably the hardest thing ive had to do by far yet... & the self sabotage, Dont feel so bad... I just did it to myself last nite, Had 3 af days and found out that I have to be some where very important tomorrow afternoon so I start thinking hummm OhNo can I go 4days this week? Just think how fresh my brain will be on Friday if I do cuz that will be 5days and then im thinkin S%$& what if tomorrow comes and I can make it through? then i'll really "F" up and drink more and have a BIG FAT HANGOVER on Friday so what do I do you ask.... I do what we all do, I say... well ill just have one glass or maybe 2, yeahh I will this time I promise!!! Yeahhh OK of course I drank the whole Bottle and then has SIX beers on top of that So im feelin pretty good right about now, and ya know why? So I wouldnt "Drink" today so I would feel "Better" on Friday... How "Crazy" is that? See the insane Logic we make up for ourselves..
So dont be so hard on yourself, I know some days ya just cant shake it, so ya gotta tuff it out and hang on till tomorrow and you'll feel alot better... We can do this... Hell ya we can, ya just have to WANT to thats all & I really WANT to, Cuz im gonna be 50 and I really really want to Feel Healthy with NO Foggy brain for once in my life!!!
Hang in there Diane your gonna be OK, It took us a Longgggg time to get here so im thinkin its gonna be a Longggggg way Home!
Feel Better:l

[Surrender]

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I dont know how that Hello hello got in there LOL

[Wynot]

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Thanks everyone. I do feel better now that the morning is over. Definitely not feeling like boozing tonight. I read recently that if hangovers lasted a month this whole quitting thing would be much easier. I just keep forgetting too soon how bad I felt in the morning. I also got an email (I registered at a website that gives you an inspirational saying every day) this is it....

Mistakes are Good for You

How do you treat yourself when you or someone else make a mistake? Can you learn from your mistakes? Are you afraid of errors? Baseball greats Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth led not only in home runs, but also in strike outs because they swung at the ball more than other players. The more you allow for errors, the better results you will produce in your life. And the happier you'll be because you are striving for excellence, not perfection.

So I am hanging in and looking forward to a better day tomorrow. (yeah me and Scarlet O'Hara). Good news is that my dog Hannah got herself up the stairs today

Thanks Rocky and Lush. And Hello, Hello to you Surrender. I will be turn the Big 5-oh this year too. Like to have my act a bit cleaned up by then.

:thanks:
, Diane