new,determined, and not confident

[aquamarine]

Hi, I'm new. This is my first post. I have been drinking too much since my mid twenties (now in my early forties). I have realized it is really an out of control problem for a few years, but find it soooo difficult to stop.I realize for myself that I need to totally abstain since once I have one I really can't trust how many more I end up having. Then once I have too may I act completley irrational.I drink every night , on the sly, because my husband hates my drinking. Although it really isn't on the sly since he knows. I am at the point where I am indescribably disgusted with myself, feel so ashamed, and remorseful every day about it. I have a nice home, great kids, and a good husband and it's like I live a double life that is so exhausting and stressful to do. Over the past year I have come to the realization that this really is a a biological and psychological condition and it is not just about willpower. I feel backed into a corner because somehow I have no choice but to completely stop. I've got the supplements, read the book, purchased the CDs , and am going to one AA meeting a week. Although I don't agree with all of their methods I think overall it is a good thing to be connected to people with the same condition. I found out about this program and it seems like a great thing. I could spend hours reading everyone's posts which are so caring and have such great advice and insights. So this is day 2 of sobriety. I have alot of determination but not much confidence. Thanks for listening!:

[Beaches]

new,determined, and not confident

Hi Aqua and welcome.

I too have children and a husband and feel/felt like I was leading a double life. This is a great place to start. I would lead the very professional life during the day doing all the supervisory/motherly duties then at 4pm the alcohol would start flowing. My husband doesn't drink either and he just doesn't get it. He would say things like just don't drink that much. Problem is that the first one feels so good I would lose count to the point of passing out at some point.
That's not to say that it doesn't still flow, however it does not flow in the volume it used too. Since I have come here I have been able to use this site to see that others have found themselves in the exact same place and that is a huge comfort. I have been able to cut back substantially and say that I have had far many better days than I have had in a very, very long time.

Welcome

[lushy]

new,determined, and not confident

Welcome Aqua! It sounds like you have everything in place to bring you success. I wish you the best. Our stories are similar and when you realize how much poison we have been putting in our bodies for 20+ years it is shocking. Best of luck to you.....

[MKR]

new,determined, and not confident

Dear Aqua,

so glad you are here with us. Looking forward to getting to know you better. The double life is exhausting and we are here to help you shed it entirely!

Hugs.
Mary

[AAthlete]

new,determined, and not confident

Welcome to MWO, Aquamarine! :welcome:

As you've probably figured out by reading a lot of the posts, many of us are is a similar situation as you (as a matter of fact, you sound a lot like a mirror of me). First of all, congrats on your first two days of sobriety - the hardest part is always getting started!

One thing that struck me in your post was where you said " I feel backed into a corner because somehow I have no choice but to completely stop", because I use to feel the same way. It all changed for me (granted I've only been AF for almost a month) when I flipped it around and stopped thinking about all that I would be missing by not drinking, and instead focused on all that I would gain by not drinking.

I now wake up in the morning and feel truly grateful that I have stayed AF and I look forward to starting the day. As was said on another post here, it's amazing what people who don't have our problem take for granted - and I believe it. You really do start to cherish all the little things in life.

You might try picking up 'The Easy Way To Stop Drinking" by Allen Carr. Much like AA, there are pieces and parts that I don't necessarily agree with, but there is also some valuable information and insights that may prove helpful to you.

Best of luck, and again, welcome.

[weemelonhead]

new,determined, and not confident

Hi there Aquamarine...and a big fat welcome!!!!

I am not so new, determined, but still haven't quite got the confidence thingy sorted out...that is something I am working on as I go along, so don't worry, that will come with progress. You have made a GREAT start, first of all, be confident about that!!! Some people never admit to the problem.

You have the book, cds, supps and are going to AA...that shows pretty strong resolve my friend, and don't worry if some bits don't seem quite your cup of tea....use the bits that do work, and try other things. There are plenty of recommendations on these boards for all aspects of your sobriety, ......physical, mental and spiritual.....that is why it's such a good program. As you so rightly say, living more healthily is not just about 'having the willpower to stop drinking', there is MUCH more to it than that.

Go to the long term abs boards and read the thoughts of the guys there...this is my mainstay I must admit....I don't often post there, but read some of the stuff again and again, as it is inspiring and very very helpful.....

Here's to the start of a new life....sober, healthy and happy.........xxx Weemelon

[Quiescent]

new,determined, and not confident

Aquamarine,

I really like the name you chose!

Congratulations on taking this first step.

:welcome: We are here for you. Feel free to send me a Private Message anytime.:l

[sammys]

new,determined, and not confident

Hello, you have found a great support system here. Everyone has helped me so much I can hardly beleive how much this has changed my life. We are all here for you.

Sammys

[Rocky]

new,determined, and not confident

Aquamarine

Welcome!!! To say the least you are not alone in the self loathing that alcohol addiction causes to the frail human psyic... We...many of us either are or have felt your pain. MWO really works...You have started a good list of why you want to quit drinking. I suggest you write it all down on a list that you can read each day...this has helped me to despise alcohol..it robs us of so many good things...

Keep reading the post here,,,the victories are so inspiring, and the help when you are down is the best I've ever encountered.

Blessing to you on your journey!!

[lorisunshine]

new,determined, and not confident

Dear Aqua,
Let me welcome you to MWO and congratulate you on your 2 days AF. It is a gargantuan step. I know where you are coming from. I too have lived that fraudulent life for over 20 years. It nearly killed me. Last summer I found this site by accident and I did about 30 days AF and then fell off the wagon.
I started to drink more than ever and by Christmas it was totally out of control. When I began to tell myself that alcohol is the enemy and not some kind buddy I can have fun with, thats when the mind trigger clicked.

As of today I am working on my 39 day of AF. Sweetie, it really gets easier every day. I choose not to take any of the drugs, they were my last resort.
I must give all my fellow members here on MWO all the credit for my present success, without them, I could not have made it so far. There is always a shoulder to lean on, or a kind word, which means so much.
You show great determination, the confidence will follow.
Keep reading and posting.
Again, welcome.
Lori.

[SKendall]

new,determined, and not confident

Hi Aquamarine,

Yes, living the double life is exhausting. I'm glad you found us since we are all struggling with the same issues.

:welcome:

[Rocky]

new,determined, and not confident

Confidence will come with each victory day by day...

[aquamarine]

new,determined, and not confident

Thank you each and everyone who responded to my first post. I find it so incredible what words of helpful wisdom everyone has. I t really helps when your thoughts strike home .You can get so isolated with this problem and really forget or become blind to the fact that people can really help you, that you don't have all the answers, and that there is hope. Sometimes it just takes someone to take some way you feel and turn it around for you to really shed some light. AAtlete your suggestion of how to look at the feeling of being backed into a corner really helped me . Thanks! Although this is partly biological this condition is such a mind game that you really have to get a handle on to make any head way. All your suggestions are so appreciated. I'm on day 3 and feeling pretty good. However, it's Saturday and typically I really have that urge later at night when I' m done driving everyone to all their activities. I know tonight will be hard but I'm going to tough it out. T:thanks: hanks Again!

[southernbelle47]

new,determined, and not confident

Hi Aqua,
Welcome to MWO.
This can be done and now is always the right time to do it.
My kids are grown now and I didn't drink much while they were growing up but it came up and bit me when I turned about 50+....
Now is the time for you to make it something that sticks, so that when you're looking back on today you will not have the experience I've had for the last 3-4 years. Get to the bottom of WHY you drink and why you hide it......Find some healthy ways to cope and stay with them....make THEM your addiction.
:l to you.
Nancy

[DidItForMe]

new,determined, and not confident

Hello Aquamarine and welcome!

I love the fact that you have realized that this is biological problem. There is something different about our brains and the way they work. Understanding this made a HUGE impact on my life recently. It's at this point you can start to make progress and get some help. I read somewhere (was it the MWO book?) that society doesn't look down on a diabetic when they seek medical attention. They are not expected to cure themselves of their disease. As we learn more about alcoholism, society will also start to accept this as a real condition, not just a bunch of people that "like" to drink too much.

Congrats on your first few days AF. I am still trying to get that far. It's the support from the people here that will help each of us to be successful.