Why I drink/drank

[Daya]

I drink because I cant deal with my husbands drinking.

We moved in together 9 years ago, I didn't drink very much then, certainly not every night, and he used to go away with work more, so there were alcohol free times for me. he stopped going away with work a few years later, so i was around the constant drinking, and he is a bloody heavy drinker.

The first few years of our relationship, when i was a "normal" drinker, I begged him to give it up. I went to Alanon, studied alcoholism , even left him over it. He also had a cocaine problem, I said it s me or the drug, he did give that up...

The thing that has actually saved our relationship, is about 5 years ago, I got involved in his company, sort of took it over, and created an extension of it, which is doing quite well. So I am now co director of the 2 companies. The main thing is though, I get to spend time with him sober during the day, and it reminds me what a great guy he is, how much i love him, and we really do work well together.

Before I worked with him, I would actually spend evenings in the basement of the house we lived in, I couldn't stand him pawing at me drunk, making stupid conversation, crashing around the house, and just generally being revolting.I told him if he wanted to modify his drinking, or be sober, I would spend time with him, he never did. he has never said he will give up. I have not seen So fast forward the last 3 years, I drink with him every night.

Tonight I am sober, I am hanging for a drink, hes drunk, and rambling, and I just exploded at him, told him I drink to deal with his drinking, my drinking is destroying me (which he knows) and we need to come to some sort of resolution on how we go forward. I cant financially afford to move out...but may have to look at it.

I have just realized all of this (DUH!!) as I find when I'm away, I can modify or completely cut out drinking..He has just gone and poured himself another whiskey....

[caper564]

Why I drink/drank

hi Daya,
Yikes seems pretty bad.. but I think you should just follow the advice you gave him years ago.. it also seems like this is a toxic relationship. You should just set up in another room of the house.. bed and all and live like roomates for awhile. i dunno what to tell you. but i do get the part of not being able to afford seperating. I too have felt that I am trapped or stuck because of finances... its not a good place.
its sounds like there are no children.
keep the faith. the answer is here for you. you just have to be available to acccept it

caper

[Daya]

Why I drink/drank

Hi Caper , he's a really wonderful guy. When sober( aren't we all)
We do already live like roomates, have always had separate bedrooms because of his snoring. He has always put his drinking first. It's funny, he's always trying to tell me I don't have a drinking problem... Anyaw, we are hoping to move into a bigger house soon, so I'll have some space.
I'm not going to make any decisions on the relationship yet, will get myself clear first.. Thanks for your advice

[Nelz]

Why I drink/drank

WOW can I totally relate to your story D!

The only difference is I was the one doing the drinking, changing into someone else, pawing at my wife....I soooo understand what you are saying. She would tell me that a little part of her dies when I drink and act like that, and yet I continued to drink.

Im not a very pushy person, but, when I was drunk, it seems that Mr. Hyde came out of me, and I was a completely different person. I felt bad about my drunken behavior but somehow it was never enough for me to give up the poison. More than one person had told my wife that she should leave me due to the behavior.

If not for a drunken trip to the ICU for me, I think I may very well still be drinking, and who knows if Id still even have my wife....I have to doubt it.

We all know any person with a dependency is not going to quit unless and until "they" are ready. Im sure not gonna sit here and give you advice on if you should leave him or not...thats a whole different animal. Ultimately that choice is yours, and nagging at him to stop will most likely not result in him quitting.

I believe that we all have the ability to quit the hooch, it really comes down to...How bad do es a person want it. Thats not saying that those who continue to drink are weak...it just means they truly are not ready.

I feel for you, and wish you all the luck, strength and knowledge you need to make the correct decision for "you"


P.S. My inbox is open 24/7 for you or anyone on here that wants to discuss or vent feelings....and my rates are reasonable. :H

[LibraryGirl]

Why I drink/drank

I know that I justified my drinking for YEARS, even though people made comments...my own family talked amongst themselves, I learned later, asking each other if they thought I had a drinking problem, and I was in my 20s then! Later in my 30s my (then) bf would sometimes comment on my drinking (although he quite often got drunk as hell too), and his friends even said stuff to me about how crazy I acted when drunk on wine. During all this time it never ONCE occurred to me to stop drinking altogether. All I thought was that I couldn't drink copious amounts of wine b/c it made me crazy, lol, and I switched to liquor. Talk about denial! It ain't just a river in Egypt.:H

So, no, he won't quit because of you or anyone else. It must come from within.

LG

[Struggles 106]

Why I drink/drank

Hey Daya

It is great that you are able to see the situation for what it is, that you are not so entrenched that you can't see what's happening. So sorry that your husband can't see it as well.
It reminds me of my sister's life-she does not drink and lives with a very heavy drinker and has for years. Frankly how the man is still standing I cannot imagine. She could retire but she still works because he is sitting there drunk every day. He is in complete denial though I know he HAS to feel like hammered shit all the time!
If she says anything he syas "SO I have a couple of beers?" As all of us here know there's no such thing as a couple of beers. Yo Nelz' point it has to come from within.
Until each person sees it and stops all the nagging in the world won't make it so.
I have seen death feom end-stage alcoholism and it is so horrific. That is if there's not an alcohol-related death before the physiological part takes it's toll.
THough he won't talk about it (my sister's guy) I feel sure that he does not remember most of his time in the evenings. He goes to bed by 8 at the latest and starts it all again each day.
Stay strong and keep the faith. I hope everything gets better as related to the drinking. A life without alcohol is so much better.

Take care

[SAUSAGE]

Why I drink/drank

Daya - I've posted a comment related to this on your other thread about the "dumbness of it all"

[Daya]

Why I drink/drank

Hi Nelz..what your wife said is true, a little part of me dies when hes like that. It works o.k when I am drunk also....you know, I worked for years as a councilor, and a lot of my study revolved around drug and alcohol addiction, before I stared drinking, I worked intensively on myself not dealing with his drinking...I always believe you get what you focus on, so in a way, its not wonder I became alcohol dependent also.

This morning is the first morning in a long time I haven't woken up hung over (no booze last night.YAYYYY!!!!.

And nagging him to stop wont work, I think I will lead by example, and see how that goes first. How is the relationship with your wife now? I'll reread your posts, and get up to speed And I'll check my bank balance also Nelz

Thanks very much for your reply, it does give me hope

PS, my father was a heavy alcoholic, was in hospital when I was a child with cirrhosis of the liver, I watched him in the bathroom spewing copies amount of black blood when I was 10. he nearly died, got out of hospital, and continued drinking heavily for the next 10 years. When he was 52, he just gave up. I asked him why, and he said he was bored with it.....unfortuantly he died, age 53 of a massive heart attack. But I got to spend a year with him sober, and see the sweet man he really was, not the drunken monster of my childhood...

That may be a thread for another time, actually.

Nelz;1307102 wrote: WOW can I totally relate to your story D!

The only difference is I was the one doing the drinking, changing into someone else, pawing at my wife....I soooo understand what you are saying. She would tell me that a little part of her dies when I drink and act like that, and yet I continued to drink.

Im not a very pushy person, but, when I was drunk, it seems that Mr. Hyde came out of me, and I was a completely different person. I felt bad about my drunken behavior but somehow it was never enough for me to give up the poison. More than one person had told my wife that she should leave me due to the behavior.

If not for a drunken trip to the ICU for me, I think I may very well still be drinking, and who knows if Id still even have my wife....I have to doubt it.

We all know any person with a dependency is not going to quit unless and until "they" are ready. Im sure not gonna sit here and give you advice on if you should leave him or not...thats a whole different animal. Ultimately that choice is yours, and nagging at him to stop will most likely not result in him quitting.

I believe that we all have the ability to quit the hooch, it really comes down to...How bad do es a person want it. Thats not saying that those who continue to drink are weak...it just means they truly are not ready.

I feel for you, and wish you all the luck, strength and knowledge you need to make the correct decision for "you"


P.S. My inbox is open 24/7 for you or anyone on here that wants to discuss or vent feelings....and my rates are reasonable. :H

[Daya]

Why I drink/drank

Hi Anne

I don't know how your sister copes...as stated, the only way I thought I could cope was by joining him in drinking. Statistics show that if your partner is a heavy drinker, you are much more likely to become one also...Gee, its not much of a life for her?...

My Husband (I call him that, but we aren't legally married, BTW) has always been in denial about his drinking. He lost a fantastic career over it, which is why I took over the bushiness 5 years ago. Its a shame, he is truly a loving wonderful man, one of the most unusual gifted people I have ever met...As I said, I'll get me clear first, and then see.

Thanks for the well wishes. xxx

Ann 221;1307216 wrote: It is great that you are able to see the situation for what it is, that you are not so entrenched that you can't see what's happening. So sorry that your husband can't see it as well.
It reminds me of my sister's life-she does not drink and lives with a very heavy drinker and has for years. Frankly how the man is still standing I cannot imagine. She could retire but she still works because he is sitting there drunk every day. He is in complete denial though I know he HAS to feel like hammered shit all the time!
If she says anything he syas "SO I have a couple of beers?" As all of us here know there's no such thing as a couple of beers. Yo Nelz' point it has to come from within.
Until each person sees it and stops all the nagging in the world won't make it so.
I have seen death feom end-stage alcoholism and it is so horrific. That is if there's not an alcohol-related death before the physiological part takes it's toll.
THough he won't talk about it (my sister's guy) I feel sure that he does not remember most of his time in the evenings. He goes to bed by 8 at the latest and starts it all again each day.
Stay strong and keep the faith. I hope everything gets better as related to the drinking. A life without alcohol is so much better.

Take care

[Daya]

Why I drink/drank

Yes, LG a lot of my work colleagues wonder if i have a drinking problem, since my last huge embarrassment at a work function (posted about last year, with the suicidal thoughts that followed) I have made an effort not to drink at work functions. Actually that's why i posted this, as I realized I can be sober (with an effort) when not sitting around at home with hubby.

And in regard to denial, I had an allergy to cocaine, so to get over that little problem, i used to take antihistamines before I took drugs..hows THAT for nuts???

I have also thought that wine makes me nuts, so have swapped to gin and tonic....Crazy..

LibraryGirl;1307110 wrote: I know that I justified my drinking for YEARS, even though people made comments...my own family talked amongst themselves, I learned later, asking each other if they thought I had a drinking problem, and I was in my 20s then! Later in my 30s my (then) bf would sometimes comment on my drinking (although he quite often got drunk as hell too), and his friends even said stuff to me about how crazy I acted when drunk on wine. During all this time it never ONCE occurred to me to stop drinking altogether. All I thought was that I couldn't drink copious amounts of wine b/c it made me crazy, lol, and I switched to liquor. Talk about denial! It ain't just a river in Egypt.:H

So, no, he won't quit because of you or anyone else. It must come from within.

LG

[Struggles 106]

Why I drink/drank

Hey Daya

How is it going? Your description of the husband/partner is so common, as in he's great when not drinking. All of us are pretty great but then change into idiots with alcohol.
It's just the way it is.
I think a big part of it is caring enough for yourself that you just can't self-harm anymore, as well as accepting enough of who you really are that you don't need fake liquid confidence.
I find this to be true in my case. I was told so often when I was young that I was worthless that of course I internalized that. It really takes a lot of work to get past the horrible messages, faulty coping skills developed in a dysfunctional environment.
I always thought I was nothing, expecially in comparison to everyone else. Now I know better. I don't need to drink to be happy.

I wish you well and hope your husband sees the light! Stay strong.

[Daya]

Why I drink/drank

Hi Ann 221, Its going well for me white knuckled it last night for a drink, didn't, then came close to killing my drunken partner (not literally)

Its true what you say about loving yourself..I had a spiritual teacher once, and when he found out I smoked, he said"oh, you don't love yourself enough yet" .Always stuck with me.

[LibraryGirl]

Why I drink/drank

Daya;1307524 wrote: Yes, LG a lot of my work colleagues wonder if i have a drinking problem, since my last huge embarrassment at a work function (posted about last year, with the suicidal thoughts that followed) I have made an effort not to drink at work functions. Actually that's why i posted this, as I realized I can be sober (with an effort) when not sitting around at home with hubby.

And in regard to denial, I had an allergy to cocaine, so to get over that little problem, i used to take antihistamines before I took drugs..hows THAT for nuts???

I have also thought that wine makes me nuts, so have swapped to gin and tonic....Crazy..

I used to think cocaine "helped" me with AL.:H:H I used to get beet red in the face after I'd consumed a large amount of AL, and it was very embarrassing to me. Not sure why that stopped...Any ideas anyone?? Anyway, if I did some coke, my flushed face would clear immediately. Have no effing clue why. There's got to be a physiological reason.

Anyway, I never thought I could leave all that shit behind, and not at least get buzzed/drunk most every night. I truly don't think it would have been possible if I had not found this site in February. THANK GOD!!!

:h You guys!

LG

[Daya]

Why I drink/drank

Its sooo good to know i'm not the only one here that has gone through all this

I feel nervously hopeful I can beat this thing this time....I am going to stay close here. Luckily most of the friends I have now don't drink much, and none of them take drugs (except Viagra, Prozac and Valium)

I must be moving up in the world!!

LibraryGirl;1307964 wrote: I used to think cocaine "helped" me with AL.:H:H I used to get beet red in the face after I'd consumed a large amount of AL, and it was very embarrassing to me. Not sure why that stopped...Any ideas anyone?? Anyway, if I did some coke, my flushed face would clear immediately. Have no effing clue why. There's got to be a physiological reason.

Anyway, I never thought I could leave all that shit behind, and not at least get buzzed/drunk most every night. I truly don't think it would have been possible if I had not found this site in February. THANK GOD!!!

:h You guys!

LG

[Daya]

Why I drink/drank

Its sooo good to know i'm not the only one here that has gone through all this

I feel nervously hopeful I can beat this thing this time....I am going to stay close here. Luckily most of the friends I have now don't drink much, and none of them take drugs (except Viagra, Prozac and Valium)

I must be moving up in the world!!

LibraryGirl;1307964 wrote: I used to think cocaine "helped" me with AL.:H:H I used to get beet red in the face after I'd consumed a large amount of AL, and it was very embarrassing to me. Not sure why that stopped...Any ideas anyone?? Anyway, if I did some coke, my flushed face would clear immediately. Have no effing clue why. There's got to be a physiological reason.

Anyway, I never thought I could leave all that shit behind, and not at least get buzzed/drunk most every night. I truly don't think it would have been possible if I had not found this site in February. THANK GOD!!!

:h You guys!

LG