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**LibraryGirl** · May 1, 2012, 10:26 AM

Need your support, need a friend.

:welcome: Ben. I will be your friend.:l I admit, I don't have the knowledge to deal with the stuff you are going through (depression, suicidal thoughts), and I do believe you would benefit from a real-life counselor/therapist/doctor.

If you've been lurking for six months then you know where to go, but do post in the Newbie's Nest and become involved. You can help others too...We're all in this together, friend.

LG

**Snapdragon** · May 1, 2012, 10:38 AM

Need your support, need a friend.

Hello Ben - and welcome to MWO. I'm sure that everyone here will be your friend. The people on this site all understand where you're coming from and all have different experiences to share and hopefully help you.

You've been through a lot - but you can grab your life back again, and you've made the first step by posting here. I'm also new to recovery and living in the UK. I've found that GP's aren't always the greatest help but there are NHS alcohol addiction centres which you can book into to get councelling and support. I haven't had much luck with this myself and someone here on MWO has suggested that for ?200 you can get a private consultation and help with medication (perhaps Antabuse) to help you on the road to recovery.

I myself have found my own personal strength in reaching rock bottom and almost losing everything dear to me. I am struggling to not drink and am now 6 days without alcohol. It's not easy - I've been climbing the walls some days, but coming here, reading, posting and sharing has helped hugely. I have also joined another website recommended by a member of MWO call 247helpyourself.com which offers lots of tools and a 4 week programme (which costs only about ?15) and has really helped to kick start my motivation.

Good luck - you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. :l

Snap x

**BenSanderson** · May 1, 2012, 10:39 AM

Need your support, need a friend.

thankyou lb girl i will. I just am saddened that i have become so dependent i have to beg for support, and the worst thing i hope i have reached such rock bottom it changes me.. I have met some problem drinkers on my travels and they are the only ppl who understand this hell.. because thats what it is, a self inflicted hell.

Thanks for being with me tonight, its something which money cannot buy,

:thanks:

**FlyAway** · May 1, 2012, 10:39 AM

Need your support, need a friend.

Oh Ben my heart breaks for you. How old was your son?

You will never be able to figure out what your purpose in life is to be if you're drinking and exacerbating your depression. Your drinking may be the cause of your depression. But honestly you won't know unless you lose the booze.

What are your thoughts when you wake up in the morning? Are you thinking that you wish you had drank more the night before? Are you looking forward to drinking again later in the day? Are they thoughts of self-loathing? Are you wishing you could stop drinking?

What would the ideal Ben be like in your mind?

**MtnMomma** · May 1, 2012, 10:52 AM

Need your support, need a friend.

My heart goes out to you, Ben. You have made the decision of your life to reach out and no better place then here. I'm here for you, as well. :h

**K9Lover** · May 1, 2012, 10:54 AM

Need your support, need a friend.

Hi Ben!
My heart goes out to you. I will definitely be your friend and help you in any way that I can. I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through in the past, I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I do know that drinking will only make it worse though. At first it's a bandaid to cover up hurt, but eventually it evolves into a huge monster that we can no longer control. I drank every day for over 10 years, most nights involved blacking out then passing out. I realized I couldn't keep doing this to myself anymore. It wasn't easy, but with the help of MWO and the medication Antabuse, I have been able to get and stay sober. If I can do it, then you can do it too. Nobody says it will be simple, but it CAN be done. Please let me know what you need. I am here for you!
K9

**resrchqueen** · May 1, 2012, 11:02 AM

Need your support, need a friend.

I am here for you too Ben... We all CAN change... for the better. WE CAN!

**Unwasted** · May 1, 2012, 01:32 PM

Need your support, need a friend.

Ben,

I can't begin to know what you've gone through but I can relate to your thoughts and have been really despondent too about not being able to stop drinking. But, I'm now doing it, and many others are too, so it is possible. It takes a multi-pronged approach for most of us.

Have you considered rehab? I think it would be a good jump start for someone dealing with the level of drinking and problems you have/had. You could do a safe detox, get counseling and start on the road to recovery.

Really wishing the best for you. You can't see it now because you're in the grips of alcohol, but your thinking will totally change if you can get and stay sober.

xx,
UN

**Tipplerette** · May 1, 2012, 02:12 PM

Need your support, need a friend.

Welcome Ben, I would be honoured to be your friend. Life can sure throw horrible curve balls at us, eh.. I've dealt with the loss of my child and I swear, I didn't lift my chin off my chest for a year. What got me back in the game of life is realizing that happiness is a choice... sometimes a bloody hard one to follow through on but still, a choice. I slowly started appreciating the little positives and eventually started feeling hopeful again. I, too struggle with the cravings for alcohol and am desperate not to end up like my 80 year old mother; too drunk to shuffle from TV chair to the bathroom and back... so, like you, I am trying to kick the Alkie beast to the curb.

There are some meds that people around here use with great success espcecially to get over the difficult first few weeks/months. I have no experience with them but there's lots on here to look at.

Ben, you should be so proud of yourself for posting and asking for help. It takes so much courage and bravery to reach out. We are here for you and never judge. If people judged, I'd be one of the best targets as I keep slipping up.

Take it one moment at a time and make small goals, my friend.

xoxo

**BenSanderson** · May 1, 2012, 02:26 PM

Need your support, need a friend.

Thankyou all for your reply's. I saw them all and the same emotion was stirred up again, it starts with guilt, my AL riddled brain telling me I dont deserve any sympathy... that the only way out is more booze. But I'm going to buck the trend tonight and consider others... that you all have been to this place for whatever reason, and you my friends have come out the other side much wiser. (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger etc..)

I have been through 1 home detox, and 1 NHS inpatient detox... which involved a Mental health unit for 3 weeks... but this did not involve any counselling.

I do believe that I need counselling, both for my prolonged greif and for the AL misuse.. but it is not easy to come by. In the UK we had CDAT (Community Drug & Alcohol Team) but due to cutbacks they were closed yesterday.

I can goto the ER at local hospital but they will only give 1 Librium and tell me to taper or get in a programme. Which I intend to do... but when you are consuming a lot of AL tapering on your own is so so hard. That is why I joined MWO because i'm not on my own,,

I have reached a new level of AL dependency recently, and its not physical... purely mentall, I cannot get out of bed and function without a drink... And yes K9 my friend I do know that its the AL making me worse, but then I suppose thats why they call it a viscous circle.. I'm miserable with booze and miserable without it.

However, today is the day I reach out... for that help. And I so appreciate your kind comments, really you guys are the hand that stopped my fall (I think a lot of ppl will know what i mean)

Thankyou,

Benny (Thankyou guys for being my friend tonight) :thanks:

(P.s, Am on 1 bottle of Vodka per day for 8 weeks now... and rehab is out of my price range)

**BenSanderson** · May 1, 2012, 02:55 PM

Need your support, need a friend.

Tipplerette;1308489 wrote:
Take it one moment at a time and make small goals, my friend.
xoxo

Thankyou, the slipping up makes me feel rotten, its like the addiction is ovveriding my sense, its soul destroying..

**momof3** · May 1, 2012, 03:05 PM

Need your support, need a friend.

Hello Ben,

I can completely understand where you are right now and how you are feeling because I have been there too. Like you, I started drinking when I was 15 years old and progressively became an alcoholic until I quit 4 years ago. When I quit, I had progressed to the point that I could not live without drinking because my hands would shake and my anxiety would be sky high. I was hardly eating anything because my stomach was so ripped up.

I am hear to tell you that you can dig yourself out of this. It is not easy but it can be done. I understand that your life may seem very dim right now with little hope, but that's what this disease does to us. It eats away at our brains and our souls. The only way out is to titrate down and then stop drinking and go through the hell it takes to get to the other side. It is so worth it. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you.

Start today if you can. Go to the hospital if you cannot afford rehab.

Keep checking in with us and let us know how you are doing.

**LibraryGirl** · May 1, 2012, 05:36 PM

Need your support, need a friend.

I'm still here Ben. I am 5 hours behind you in the US, and I hope you are still doing ok.:l

Keep posting tonight and let us know your plans to get sober. There is HOPE for YOU, and you DESERVE IT.

LG

**sunshinetoday** · May 1, 2012, 07:38 PM

Need your support, need a friend.

Hi Ben,
Welcome to MWO. There is nothing but support here for you, and it is a great help. Everyone has come here because at some stage their alcohol use reached a stage that triggered the need for a change. Whether the change happens is up to us as individuals. Speaking for myself there was a point I reached in my drinking where I could no longer handle the emptiness and despair that seemed to live with me constantly unless I was obliterated from AL. I wanted to feel happiness and normalcy again. At first it is one minute at a time, but eventually it will get easier along the way. It takes failure, understanding, endurance, and positiveness to get to where we would like to see ourselves. So share whatever and whenever you need to, we are all here for you!

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