Really down and need advice.

[leciejo]

I am so lost and feeling terribly down. "I" know I can't drink and my husband of 7 years has seen the monster inside me. He hates her. He has been disgusted time and time again by my drinking and the severity of it. He looks at me like I am an alien when I drink glass after glass after glass every single day. He thinks that I am capable of having a "few" for an evening and then somehow I am supposed to empower myself with the magic of turning it off like he can for days or even weeks. He is very proud that I went the whole week last week AF and everything was so upbeat and happy he thought we should have a drink to relax on the deck Friday night and I did. I did not turn into the "other woman" and it was all okay,,, this time. Well, that just re-inforced to him that it is possible for me to stop and I make a choice to continue to drink. He is what I like to think of as the "Abnormal" one. He can have 1 or 6 and stop and have dinner and watch a movie. He wants me to be able to do that. He says that's when we have the best times and I know he is right but I feel so hopeless that I cannot do what he is asking. HELP

[Struggles 106]

Really down and need advice.

Wow Leciejo

You really are in a bind; I am sorry. Your husband needs education, and he needs to know the nature of addiction and not blame and judge you. Since I presume he has no problem with alcohol he doesn't "get it". All of us here do get it.

I hope he can come to realize that you are not in control of alcohol. You are different physiologically. I went throught his with my husband too. He would have a beer or two and that was it. He finally learned after I insisted on getting help and making him see it for what it was.

It's a struggle in any case, WAY more so when you have someone who wants you to have one or two. That is a bad situation. Maybe he can do some research so he can see that it is what it is. That you are not trying to be a stupid drunk, and you would love to NOT be.

Keep coming around and if you want some reference material for him let me know.

Peace and love to you

[leciejo]

Really down and need advice.

Thank you both, I am in a pickle. His ex, we will call "M" was also an alcoholic but to the extent she could not function. I am a functioning alcoholic. There is a difference, I know. My sister was not able to function without alcohol from 5 minutes of waking til pass out. My husband has this vision that all alcoholics are like that and if you are not, then you are not truly an alcoholoic. I wonder if anyone knows of some books that might explain this better than I and I will pick them up for him. Thanks

[SKendall]

Really down and need advice.

Hi, sorry you are in a fix. Nope, the normals don't get it.

There is a lot of information out there now regarding the addict's brain chemistry, as well and emotionally, as to how we are triggered easily. I just posted in another thread of a 60 Minutes segment where they discussed this and showed MRI's of a normal brain and an addictive brain under the influence. It is validating to say the least.

Google addictive brain chemistry, etc. Also, in 7 weeks to sobriety the author discusses how many of us are hypoglycemic fuelling this addiction. I really recommend this book for the early stages of recovery for the supplements and eating regularly. This author is not an addict, but her son died of it, thus prompting her research and recoomendations. I feel great when I follow her recommendations.

Good Luck.

[leciejo]

Really down and need advice.

Thank you Molly

[K9Lover]

Really down and need advice.

Hi Leciejo,

I probably shouldn't comment since I am no expert on relationships and I haven't had to deal with anyone else related to my drinking. That said, I'm going to comment. LOL Maybe you could just tell your husband that you don't like the way drinking makes you feel anymore. Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with sober/drunk/alcoholic. Maybe you just don't like it anymore...can he understand that? Just a suggestion. Again, take my advice with a grain of salt, as I am no expert on relationships. I'm done commenting

K9

[azurmyst]

Really down and need advice.

All the best to you. I understand the pickle mode Leciejo and I agree with what Ann Molly and SK said and K9 I am no good at the relationship vibe either. I am in one with a daily drinker and am trying to not be around it. Starting all over again for the upteenth time.

[leciejo]

Really down and need advice.

Thanks K9, I'm willing to try anything. We are great together, have had many great drinking nights together. He just wants it to stay that way minus the crazed lunatic that becomes belligerent, mean, downright nasty, breaks things, hides things, and god knows what else (once I poured sugarwater in my own NEW CAR's gas tank) Stopping is not an option for me, and I know it. Now I just need him to "get it". He wants me to drink when "HE" wants to and stop when "HE" wants to. hohum...

[Wildflowers]

Really down and need advice.

For years my hubby didn't get it. At one time I functioned at a high level. In the sense I did keep up with all my responsibilities of a working woman & all her roles of being a wife, mom, daughter, grandaughter, sister, friend & volunteer. I was a super woman. Our girls knew I had a problem before I was willing to admit it. Jr & High School they are educated in that it's a disease. The youngest being in a CNA program helped. Still he was in denial, but then honestly so was I.

I'm glad your recognizing that you have a problem now. As left unattended & the years pass, it does progress. With the progression he & I became more willing to accept "it is what it is". There are many levels of alcoholism. Not everybody has to keep going in the wrong direction.

Instead of what he wants you to do, what do you want to do? What is best for you? I noticed what I wrote in my first paragraph, third sentence I never mentioned me. This time around for myself, I'm going to be selfish when it comes to staying sober. I think if I'd had been, it never would have progressed as far as it did. Believe me I did some crazy ass shit!.... Yet, I & he still hung onto all those great fun times drinking together. It was easy to dismiss all the crazy, bad times. Until time passes & they can get real ugly.

You could remind him about all the bad times. All the unforeseen times to come. I did with mine. But, I'm a hard headed woman, even selfish, who knows how to manipulate her man & get her way. So, it really is up to me to make the decision to stay sober regardless of what he or anybody else does or says. I must first be accountable to myself, take care of myself. For in the long run, I'm not going to be worth a damn to myself or anyone else if I'm not a healthy & whole person.

AF 3/18/12

[leciejo]

Really down and need advice.

Thanks, Wild...I know what I want and need to do. I want to learn how to live life again without AL. With or without him. I have to do this for me.

peace

[Struggles 106]

Really down and need advice.

leciejo

I will post here tongiht and give you some book names. He just does not understand that some people don't have the internal stop button, that some of us simply are not wired that way. It's not a question of choice and/or willpower.

I hope he can read some stuff about addiction, dopamine, etc and support you in your struggle. It's hard enough as it is; my husband was the SAME. He would say "Can you just have a beer or 2 and not act like a nut?" He finally realized that NO I could not.
Maintaining a nondrinking lifestyle requires changes and choices that can make spouses uncomfortable. Lots of variables in the dynamics of your relationship, and changes to those can be threatening.

I wish you well and post those book names tonight.

Take care

[SAUSAGE]

Really down and need advice.

My husband doesn't get this either, and he is a medical doctor!! He is always telling me "it's a shame to quit completely, why don't you just have 1 or 2 drinks on special occasions?!"

My mother doesn't get it either. In contrast she wants me to quit totally because she can see it troubles me, but as a virtually non drinker she doesnt see what the fuss is about " well just don't drink it then, I mean I wouldn't let something in a bottle control me?!

At the end of the day you are doing this for you. Leaving your husband out of the situation for a minute, do you really want to moderate anyway? Moderation is an incredibly stressful thing to do . How much do you want to drink , how often, will you allow yourself a drink today? If you don't, will today / this social event be poorer because you are not allowing yourself to drink on this occasion? Also you will always be craving alcohol because you will never learn to live without it / feel the real benefits of an AF life?

[Struggles 106]

Really down and need advice.

Books

Here are a couple of books that might help-

Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by James Robert Milam

Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic: Breaking the Cycle and Finding Hope by Sarah Allen Benton

Understanding Alcoholism: An Easy to Understand Non-technical Guide to Understanding this Baffling Disease

I hope he will check at least one of these out. In my case my husband and I knew a bunch of drunks, and I was just as bad but we pretended I wasn't. I have said before I don't know how he tolerated me all those years. Some years were worse than others, and when he finally left me I went nuts with it.

As for moderation-I believe that if a real addiction exists there is no such thing. Anyone with sober time under her belt will tell you of the many many attempts at moderation. You could do it for a while, a week , a month, or even longer (but I doubt it) Eventually you will wake up thinking OMG How much did I drink and what happened? This is my experience anyway.
Moderation is an attempt at control, and it is very stressful,frustrating, and energy-depleting since you are always fighting what your body/mind wants, which is MORE. Always MORE.

I wish you the best and please hang around and chat here. Stay strong!

[lifechange]

Really down and need advice.

thank you for starting this thread, Leciejo! i've benefitted from the comments and the book recommendations as well. i am fortunate that i have a very loving, supportive bf who has seen enough to know that i absolutely CAN NOT drink. my problem has to do with my own insecurities, namely knowing that at some point he'll leave me for some "fun" un-addicted person. this insecurity has such deep roots and i want so much to get past it, to develop a higher self esteem-- not to drive him into finding some one new. i hope that reading some more and perhaps more time af will help.
it helps being here!!

[Wildflowers]

Really down and need advice.

I know what I want and need to do. I want to learn how to live life again without AL.
That's great! You can learn how to live life again without AL! Millions of people have done it! Get a plan together & keep working towards your goals. Stay connected with others. Don't give up.

With or without him.

Hopefully with him, unless he ultimately won't support your goals of becoming healthy. Time takes time. It takes time for them to get this to. Just like it does for us. Unless you've already had it. It just sounded like you wanted to make your marriage work. Marriage is hard work!... Takes a ton of commitment!....

Mine did get it & still does today. Problem is with mine if I chose to drink again he'd go along with that to. Not sure if that's a problem tho. I think mine learned along time ago that he couldn't control me. In fact I don't think any of us can really do that very well. As were really only in control & responsible for ourselves, our choices, our behaviors. Yet, it does effect those we love & I suppose many people we come in contact with. Sort seems like a double standard, but I think sometimes that's just life. We just do the best we can. We keep learning & growing.

I have to do this for me.

From what I've heard from other people all these years that have been successful at achieving long term sobriety is, that it's more gratifying when the reason it's done, is for your self. Yet, doing it for others is also good motivation.

Take Care,

Wildflowers

AF 3/18/12