Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

[briseus]

So the last month I have about 2 weeks sober, 1 drinking night and then 2 weeks sober and a binge weekend (which ended up with a wicked hangover because I hate next to NOTHING) and drank a lot.

I felt so guilty...so depressed and anxious after that binge because I was only going to drink for the one Saturday and not go ballistic. I ended up getting into an argument with my boyfriend about it too. :/

Anyways...this weekend is a long weekend and everyone is drinking! I am 3 days sober now...again...I don't want to drink, but I do...because everyone is doing it! All my friends want me to come by and have some drinks...I don't know.

I really want to be free of this, but I am so young!
No one knows I have a problem. Or do I?

These say alcoholics have withdrawals - I don't.
I don't want to drink because I am masking feelings - I want to have fun and enjoy great company!

But I can drink to excess - unless I watch myself.
In the past I have embarrassed myself - but who hasn't?
It hasn't effected my work or relationships with my family but it has with my boyfriend - but he drinks too...

I know people keep saying "only YOU can figure out if your an alcoholic or not".
So if everything points to the fact that I am and sometimes I think I am not...is that my addictive voice blabbing away?

I just want to have a good weekend!

Someone, I need advice!

[daisy45]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Briseus, the one thing stood out to me here was the fact about having withdrawals symptoms means you are an alcoholic; as much as I don't choose the word alcoholic to define myself, I am certain that alcohol and my over-consumption of it has had an adverse effect on my life. I drank 2 bottles of wine a night and never had withdrawal symptoms when stopping. Does this mean I mustn't have a problem?
It was the dragged out, unproductive, just getting by, not looking or feeling my best, blacking out regularly, continuously apologizing to my children....these are only some of the things that I have to classify myself as someone who has a problem with alcohol. Until I felt ready to admit that, I couldn't really change but now I have and things have just got better and better.
I do think 'only you can decide' is more 'you can only change things when 'you' decide'; wish you all the best.....

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

I know that in the back of my mind I have a problem. That is why I have been scoping out forums and researching on alcoholism for a long time now.
I tried only a handful of times - half-assed - it's just that so early in my sobriety (day 3) that the addictive voice is trying to tell me that I don't have a problem and I can moderate with my drinking.

I know you are right daisy, and thank you...
It was unproductive, just getting by, not feeling or even looking my best...I just figured maybe I could drink once or twice a month.
But that obviously didn't work out because it went into a 3 day bender that embarrassed myself and my boyfriend...and getting his Mom involved too - rather, she stuck her nose in our business.
That is beside the point.

I guess I am just having issues because it is day 3...

I can admit to all that you said.

[K9Lover]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

You obviously feel bad about the amount/frequency you are drinking or you wouldn't be here. Normal drinkers wouldn't give it a second thought. It sounds like your drinking revolves around social situations mostly. Can you have fun without alcohol? Can you stop drinking once you start? Those might be some questions to consider.

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

To be quite honest K9Lover - I even drank when I was on my own.
But more so when I go out. Since I am a bit shy...and when I drink I talk a mile a minute and people say I am the life of the party...less so lately to be honest though.

I don't know if I can have fun in social situations without booze. I haven't tried it in the longest time. Maybe I just need to avoid that for a little while early in my sobriety.

And no, especially in social situations I keep drinking and drinking because it's just there, everyone is doing the same, or buying me drinks.
I am more in control when I am at home with the boyfriend...or even when I moderate on my own and just have one during the week but weekends are always binges.

I guess I keep answering my own questions...
If I get mad that I can't drink...well, then there is a problem.

"I just wanted to enjoy the weekend" I kept telling myself...but there are SO many people that are going to be enjoying this weekend WITHOUT booze.
It's just my first weekend yet again in sobriety...they are always the hardest, especially when they are a long one and it's your birthday!

I don't know what sort of answers I expected...I know I have an issue.

Thanks so much guys.
Any more opinions in general would be appreciated.

[daisy45]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Ye' know Briseus, shyness was probably what led me to drink all those years ago; if only I could go back in time....
It is such a vicious circle, shy, drink, life and soul, speak to people and carry on like you wouldn't normally and then the next day your shyness comes back tenfold because you are mortified to see people you were socialising with and don't know how to handle it. That's my experience anyway; I have also answered a couple of phone calls from fellas I made a date with and forgot! Then hiding when you see them again.......Oh, the embarrassment, I still cringe

[resrchqueen]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Is there any way you can limit yourself to 2-3 drinks during these social settings...you can always say you have a lot to do the next day or whatever... Most people are more interested in what they are drinking than what you are drinking...Just a thought.

[LibraryGirl]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

I know that once I start drinking in a social situation especially, I will have one after the other. It doesn't really matter what other people are doing, but usually most are doing the same thing. I love the feeling of being buzzed and limiting my intake would be limiting my buzz, so I never do, lol. Therefore, since I quit (minus a few minor slips), I have not been to any social events that involved alcohol. It sounds like moderating would not be an option for you either Bri.

All I can say is that since you ARE young, the best time to give up AL is now. I drank all through my teens, 20s, 30s and 40s up until 3 months ago, and I would have been in a much better place in my life right now if I had given up AL long ago. It doesn't get better either. It gets much worse.

:goodjob: for coming here and posting. Keep working on your situation and make a plan that works for you. Why not try giving up AL for 30 days?

Keep in touch!

LG

P.S. I didn't have withdrawals either...not really, but I had trouble sleeping for about 2 weeks because I was used to getting buzzed or drunk every night, and I had cravings...Lots of stuff now that I think about it, lol, but not the withdrawals you read about.

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Daisy - I know exactly what you're talking about; and then waking up the next morning dreeeeeading what I might have said the night before and how I potentially could have completely embarrassed myself and loved ones.
Ugh. I really need to remember those times.

ResrchQueen - it is possible. I mean...I have done it in the past..but do I want to anymore? Usually I just want a buzz...and the funny thing is that I am able to attain it after one drink but then I am worried that I will lose it and then I keep going...until I am completely inebriated...
Maybe one day I could do it again? Who knows...for now, I know that I can't.

LibraryGirl - Yea, it is true that right now moderation doesn't matter in my case. It's just not in the cards because I will keep going until I get super drunk. Since I had 2 weeks sober and then another two my tolerance went way down until I couldn't remember my nights at all.

My plan is to abstain for a full 30 days. I have had plans in the past, several...and I always relapsed. I know it is better to realize this now then later on in life. I don't want to keep doing this. Where did it all go wrong?! :/

I definitely haven't had withdrawal's from quitting alcohol and I sleep fantastic, I also don't get crazy sugar cravings like a lot of people I have heard had/have.
I just get irritated because I want to drink to have fun and I "can't"...well...I technically can...I just choose not too...if that makes sense.

Thank you all for your lovely opinions. It means a lot to know that you are reading and care enough to leave a reply! )

Ps. I am on day 4 tomorrow.

[Kradle123]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Hi Briseus:
I can't guarantee much but I can gaurantee that you need to stop now. I do not know how young you are but you sound exactly like me 25 years ago...
If MWO and the Internet had existed 25 years ago I may have been able to disentangle myself from the web I have woven over all those.... years.
Don't mean to scare you but I mean to scare you.
i know you can. You have the ultimate tool here at mwo and you are obviously already using it! hurray for you and hugs!
XXOO

[daisy45]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Well done you Briseus! Day 4 and counting!
Kradle I agree with you but I don't know that if this was available all those years ago that I would have even found it - I was still in denial!

[caper564]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

daisy45;1318821 wrote: Briseus, the one thing stood out to me here was the fact about having withdrawals symptoms means you are an alcoholic; as much as I don't choose the word alcoholic to define myself, I am certain that alcohol and my over-consumption of it has had an adverse effect on my life. I drank 2 bottles of wine a night and never had withdrawal symptoms when stopping. Does this mean I mustn't have a problem?
It was the dragged out, unproductive, just getting by, not looking or feeling my best, blacking out regularly, continuously apologizing to my children....these are only some of the things that I have to classify myself as someone who has a problem with alcohol. Until I felt ready to admit that, I couldn't really change but now I have and things have just got better and better.
I do think 'only you can decide' is more 'you can only change things when 'you' decide'; wish you all the best.....

WOW daisy... i could have written this word for word... my story exaclty...
briseas.. My opinion is IF you are searchin out alcoholic forums then you must already know the answer to your question. don't let your AL brain tell you differently..

caper

[LibraryGirl]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Bri, you may not have withdrawals now and sleep soundly too. I did too when I was your age, but that will change if you continue to abuse AL. That is not just conjecture, it is the honest truth. Take it from someone who knows.

Good job on 4 days sober! Keep it up.:l

LG

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

You guys are right. I do need to come here more often when I am having some difficulties.
And it is true, I may not have withdrawal's now, but I eventually will if I keep it up. I guess with regards to stating that fact I was hoping to find that I wasn't an "alcoholic" but in all reality I just can't drink at all.
I need to keep remembering that and all the crappy and negative things that went along with it.

I did drink a lot to have fun...but I drank a lot too because of ... well, I didn't want to deal with some of the emotions that i was dealing with...
Fights with the boyfriend, the issues with his Mom and fighting for his attention - it can get mentally draining and instead of trying to fight it, I would just drink it away and I was perfectly content with drinking on my own in the basement apartment while he helped her with whatever she wanted the entire day, leaving me feeling alone and hurt by it since we only ever get one day a week (he works 6 days a week) to spend the entire day together and do things with each other.
It is a long weekend this weekend...and my birthday weekend...so not only am I trying to avoid the booze, but I don't want to be left alone in the dust...and I don't want to fight for his attention.
I don't know, that was my venting that took over there.
This is something that is weighing heavily on my mind right now and my addictive voice is telling me to just let him do whatever and drink the weekend away.

I know I can't. And I know I can't really say anything - it is his own Mom after all.
I just don't want - as I said - to fight with his Mom for his attention.
It is draining.

Sorry for rambling there...it is alcohol related because as I said, I would just drink it all away and I need to really deal with it this time in a completely different and sober way.

Thanks for listening.
xo

-Bri

[Kradle123]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Hi Bri and good morning
Your post reminded me that if I could turn back the clock to my twenties I would drop my constant fixation with having a 'relationship' I was so worried, caught up, acting, reacting to the 'relationaship' I completely neglected my own talents and interest and goals. I dribbled and dabbled and had a profession but I never was able to put my heart and soul into my work, my mission if you will because I was way to caught up in the day to day drama. And of course what a great excuse it was for me to keep drinking what with all that 'drama' going on.
I am absoulutely not saying that your guy is not the love of your life and the one for you. I'm sure he is fabulous. I just was reminded by your post that I had absolutely No Balance back then. And it's still tough walking the wire today ! BALANCE is the key for me and that is the most precious thing all those years of drinking stole from me. Let me rephrase: That is what I let it steal from me.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I'm listening to my twins scream their little hearts out in the hot tub this morning. Have to write fast as I know a fight is on the way

XXOO