Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Thanks Kradle,

I loved reading your post to know that I am not the only one out there that is going through this.
How did you end up finding balance?

It is really true though, I thought to myself this morning how I would love to go travelling for a month or two but the boyfriend would never go with me.
I really do love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life but it sucks that he doesn't want some of the things I want and vice versa. I know not all couples are perfect and whatnot but it just gets frustrating at times and I don't deal with it. I just drank it away.

I do have so many talents, I am nice and kind and can do so many things but instead of doing those things I worry about what he thinks most of the time and then at the end of the day am hurt that he wasn't paying attention to me.
I guess it stems from being rejected throughout school...and am just afraid of being rejected now.
He is all that I have...I don't really have friends and my family is all over the world.

Maybe somehow things will balance out with sobriety.

But I am interested how it worked out for you.

Thanks and hope your little ones didn't break out into a fight! Lol.

[noodle]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Library girl, I fully aggree. It dosn't get any better. Bri, I was like you, the binges just got longer and stronger, 'till there was barely any sober time in my week. If you can't stop, you won't, so my advice would be to decide what to do, and do it. There is such uncertainty, and you'll want to retionalise your decision, forget it when it's convenient, stop start, ARGHHHH. It's very time consuming and very tiring. This has been me for the last 15 years anyway. After very heavily drinking for 25 + years, I've only just made my decision. I've got faith from the advice I've got from here it's the right one, the only one. The best advice I feel I can say is that you really have to want it 100%, and keep thinking about that untill you feel you've got to that stage. For me it took years, but I don't know why, I wish it happened sooner but it never did. Sounds crazy when you think about it. Best of love to you, x

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Thank you everyone for your opinions an advice.

Unfortunately I relapsed.
I don't know why this is so powerful and now I have a hangover and am drinking so that the feelings are at a minimum.
I never really had a plan. After my last binge I told myself I'd never drink again and then this happened.
I have decided that starting tomorrow I am going to do 30 days of sobriety.
I have told my Mom and boyfriend so that I can be held accountable.
It will be better for me to have a goal to reach and finally tell someone too.
I also really think that if I can make it to 30 days - actually - when I make it, that I won't want to drink again. It's quite possible.
So I will start tomorrow.
I hate the hangovers and anxiety. So I don't know why I keep doing this. Of course I had a fantastic time drinking but I wish I never picked up that first glass.

I hope this headache goes away.
Sorry I didn't make it to day 5 this time.
At least I am going to try this again instead of giving up.
Because sometimes that voice in my head tries to tell me "you've only been drinking heavily for three years - nothing compare to 10 or 20".
But at the end of the day that doesn't matter. Because if I keep listening to that voice then I will one day wake up, shaking, needing a drink and realize I've been drinking for 10 or 20 years and have lost everything.
I don't want that.

[noodle]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Good on you for keeping on trying. Old habits are very hard to break, but if we keep trying, one day we'll crack it. I'm also starting AGAIN, so I'll stick with you, we can do it. The headache will clear, keep positive. Your in great company here, Love & strength to you x

[LibraryGirl]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Good job on committing to 30 days. I think it will clear your thoughts. It won't, in all likelihood, make you not want AL again, without a plan. It is a big first step, however, and one I will take with you! I am on day 8. I had one glass of wine 8 days ago, so I will only count the days I've been completely AF.

BTW, the hangover and anxiety that you experience after abusing AL are forms of withdrawal. People who are not problem drinkers don't experience hangovers or AL induced anxiety (usually after sobering up), because they don't drink enough AL for it to negatively affect them.

Good luck and let's do this!

LG

[berner66]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

This is day 1 for me again. Bri well done on committing to 30 days AF.Don't beat yourself up. Every time I feel weak I really need to use this forum rather listen to the AL voice in my head that it is ok to just have the one. I read all these postings that describe the stupid things we do because of alcohol and I have been in all those situations. Today is the first day that I am admitting to myself I am an alcoholic. I have to beat this drug because it is destroying my life and the things in it that I care so much about. I want to wake up and look forward to each day and start to enjoy life rather than feel horrid physically and mentally. Life is to short to be gripped by alcohol. Sorry for rambling but posting on these forums does stop me from going mad.

Berner

[Kradle123]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Hi Bri:
No worries on starting over. Remember what Mark Twain said about smoking: "It's easy to quit. I've done it hundreds of times!" And I 've read lots of posts from people here starting over and over and then Bam! they go like no tommorrow and never look back (well, not much...)
As to your question about Balance. It's funny you ask becasue that's a BIG word in our family. My kids are always saying the typical 'That's not fair!' line and I told them early on that Life's not fair; it's a balance. Your sister gets the last cookie on the plate today but tomorrow or next day or next week you'll get something she doesn't and so it goes, on and on so don't worry about it being fair. Your time will come. Of course perspective is involved here but I don't go there yet. They're only Ten!
Anyway, Balance as you know is definatly NOT a destination it's a daily journey and I really began mine mindfully when I started actively searching for people to put in my life who enriched me, who brought out my best which I could tell almost at once becasue I could speak easily with them (and I don't mean drunk easy) and I had good things to say and I could really listen, I mean really listen and I didn't sound stupid and most importantly...I wasn't drinking (much) Then I was able to concentrate on my skills and talents which I knew all along were there somewhere which then attracted more good people in to my life which in turn gave me the wisdom to discen the people who shouldn't be in my life..which connections I should cut as Peter Gabriel would say.

All this took lots of time and lots of mistakes and along the way I got married and screwed up and lost good people and found good people and had babies and lost my parents and bought a house and found a new career and drank and then didn't and then did...
But had I not drank, had I looked at myself as you are now after three years and said; 'Okay, 3 years is it because 3 years will be 30 before you can say Howdy Doody' You simply can not drink and have balance at the same time. It's that simple. It sucks and I hate that part because hoenestly I love to drink...and I loved to smoke too but gave that up 14 years ago when my Dr. said ' Congratulations. You're pregnant!' Perhaps that was beginning of my balance.
The best thing Bri is you wil lknow IT when IT happens and you will knwo it when you are out of whck but you won't if you stay stuck. Staying here will definately unstick you in my opinion.
One last thing and then I will hush up: When I stopped smoking I did it cold turkey and NEVER missed it. Hoenst even when Shit hit the fan. I always wondered why and then I remembered Maslows 7 stages of decision making. I don't remember all the stages but I do remeber him saying that once you sincerely pass from stage 6 to stage 7 you are done being undecided about whatever you were trying to make up your mind about. Then the decision was easy. I think you are almost at stage 6 from the sounds of it. But remeber you can stay stuck there for a long long time..30 years or more.
Hugs to you and congratualtions on your new start!
XXOO

[Supercrew]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

I'm not sure if this was stated in this thread yet or not, but hangovers and anxiety after drinking are withdrawal symptoms. It doesn't mean you are an alcoholic, but those feelings and effects are your body withdrawling from alcohol abuse.

[noodle]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Some great posts on here - just been reading them through again. Daisy, again like Caper, your story is mine also. How long have you been free? Kradle, like the stages of decision making, I feel I've reached that point, I'm just hoping and working on it with all my heart and strength that it will stay strong with me, and not dwindle too much when the going gets tough. x

[K9Lover]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Hi Bri!
I just wanted to see how things are going for you. Check in and let us know, okay? Wishing you strength...
K9

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Thanks everyone for the kind words.
Unfortunately I haven't embarked on my 30 day journey yet...it really is unbelievable how cunning and powerful alcohol really is. How you can rationalize drinking until the cows come home. How I have embarrassed myself, my boyfriend...ugh, my parents wouldn't be proud. I did drink on the weekend and today is my birthday - I didn't go ballistic like I had on my last bender...not sure what to call this relapse...if it is a relapse as I was only sober for 4 days. I know I keep coming back, so that counts for something, no?
The guilt and shame I have for the things I have done in the past makes me feel -- I don't know...just that I guess...I don't know why I keep going back to drinking.
I did have a lot of fun this past weekend...
I guess I really have to sit down, write everything down, about all the ways alcohol has negatively impacted my life.
How I can't have my cake and eat it too 24/7. It's not an indulgence if you do it every single day. And it will never feel like an indulgence again. I can't sit there and say to myself that I "deserve" it. Deserve what? Headaches? Nausea? Anxiety? Arguments? I guess I could keep going.
I am checking in today with you guys. Feeling fine.
I know I want to quit and have been researching and lurking on forums the past year...but as soon as I feel good I forget about all the bad times.
I have tried so many times and started back up...when I sit here and think "You're not drinking tonight" I get irritable and a bit anxious (not normal, I know)...but then when I make the decision that I am going to drink I become happy...it's so weird.
I know I have to do 30 days. After 30 days I can decide what to do next. But I at least have to get thirty days under my belt. For my loved ones and especially me.
I need to learn that I can have fun without booze!

Ugh. Why is this so hard?
Thanks for letting me rant and rave guys. I hope you're all not disappointed in me.

[K9Lover]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Bri -

I can relate SO much to everything you said. Drinking was my "reward"...but what a reward: headache, nausea, upset stomach, anxiety, despair, etc., etc. Wow, if that's a reward I'd hate to receive a punishment!

The thought of not drinking used to send me into a panic too...then once I decided I WAS going to drink, I would be so giddy...excited to get my supplies gathered for the night (beer, smokes, movie that I'd never remember watching, frozen pizza I'd eat at 11pm...). What a cycle!

I know you want to get 30 days AF, but maybe you should just try for 7, then 14, then 21, etc...that way you are not overwhelmed. Take it day by day, minute by minute if necessary. Get through a few AF evenings, and I promise they will get easier.

Never be embarrassed or ashamed to come back here...we all understand, really.

I'm wishing you strength. Keep us posted on how you're doing ok?

K9

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

You took the words right out of my mouth K9Lover. That is exactly my same thought process when it comes to booze.

Maybe I will start off at a lower number to remain AF free. I am just having difficulty thinking of not drinking forever, you know? I see it everywhere when I am not drinking. And when I am, it doesn't bother me - obviously because I am drinking.

I will make sure to keep checking in. And posting here as much as possible. Thank you and to everyone else for being so supportive.

Is there a thread somewhere where I can read about your story K9? It seems like we are similar.

Thank you again.
xo
-Bri

[K9Lover]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Hi Bri!

My story is not in a nice little package somewhere, it's kind of just flying all over the boards! LOL

I can sum it up for ya though. 10+ years of drinking at least a 12 pack of beer per night. I was blacking out then passing out every single night. I have had 2 DUI's in the past, but that didn't stop me from continuing to bop on down to the road for more beer as needed.

One night I went out in a drunken stupor, walking the dogs...supposedly. I was gone for 2 hours and my daughter (12 at the time) was frantic because I had not taken my cell phone. I got home at 11pm to my child lacing up her shoes, getting ready to go look for drunk mom. That was heartbreaker number 1...but I didn't stop there.

Another night, came home from drunkenly driving to replenish my supplies and my daughter is sitting on the couch with huge crocodile tears in her eyes and a letter in her hand. I read the letter about how she's scared to death that I'm going to die. That she cries every night because I drink beer and smoke. How her life is perfect except for my drinking. Heartbreaker number 2, but I am stubborn so I kept going.

Yet another night, another run to the store and another letter. This one was 2 pages long. My daughter basically told me that I'm "sick" all the time because of beer. She's on to me "not feeling well" ALL weekend long. She tells me she's tired of me drinking too much, driving, being on the phone yelling, stumbling down the hallway, "grooming" the dogs (that's a whole nother story...lol), etc. Basically she called out every dumb thing I've done drunk. Anyway, that was my final heartbreak. I decided that night....NO MORE. What am I doing to this kid?

I'd like to say that was 148 days ago...but it was longer. I hit a few more bumps before I finally got it...but that was the night my thinking changed. I say I got sober for HER, but I stay sober for ME (which means us).

That's pretty much my story in a nutshell. I kept going as long as I could...but the day I broke my daughter's heart and spirit was the day I had to change.

I'm glad to report that she and I are both SO much better now....happy, content, and closer than ever. There can be happy endings...or rather, middles...I hope I'm not at the end yet. LOL

Hope I didn't bore you. Stay strong...you CAN do this...I know you can.

K9

[briseus]

Okay...moderation? Why do I keep changing my mind?!

Thanks so much for sharing K9 - you didn't bore me at all.
You write very well by the way - reading what you write is quite engaging.

I am glad to hear that you got sober for yourself and your little one and that you are going strong and things are all for the better.
I know that it isn't always easy. How did you deal in the beginning with all the cravings? The weekends where you sat and thought that the evening would be "perfect" with a beer in hand? I am having difficulties with that for sure...
Are the cravings gone?

I smoked for 7 years - a half pack to a pack a day - and I one day just quit...no reason, I just didn't want to go out for a cigarette...and I never looked back since and that was over 2 years ago. I don't know why I can't do this with the booze. Or maybe I can, maybe if I get over that 1 month hump I may not ever want to go back to drinking again.
But it is so "embraced" in our culture and it is really annoying. :/

Thanks again for sharing K9. I will make sure to look back on your previous posts to read how you overcame all your struggles.

-Bri