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    #1

    Self Hate

    I want to talk about this because Cat Belle talked about some interesting things in the Newbie's Nest this morning. It triggered this thought, and I know it to be true of myself. I have/am struggled/struggling with self-hate.

    I have spent most of my life seeking approval, mostly from men. If I were attractive enough someone would want me and love me unconditionally and never leave me. As stupid as that sounds, it is something I know I thought whether consciously or not. At the same time, I grew to hate lustful stares and unwanted attention (not that I had supermodel looks or anything)...therefore I sabotaged myself by drinking, mostly because I was too insecure to be confident, and later by overeating because if I was fat I didn't have to deal with being attractive. Ironically, I stayed fat and continued drinking to excess...Now I have to deal with quitting AL and losing weight.

    There is a lot more to it. It's something I'm thinking about seriously today. Thank you for listening.

    LG


    "I like people too much or not at all."     Sylvia Plath
    Tags: None
    #2
    Self Hate

    Hi library Girl,Im exactly the same,only difference is
    I know where its coming from.......
    My Childhood....Im an Adult child Of a dysfunctional Family.

    The Program I'm attending is Called ACA.
    Adult Children Of Alcoholics.....Or Dysfunctional Families.
    You might be able to see yourself Here.....In the Laundry List.
    The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

    The above is where it all started for me......
    I'm looking after Me Today..........First.

    Comment

      #3
      Self Hate

      HEY LG

      I agree with you 100%. I was always made to feel "less than" by my dysfunctional family. Any expression of feelings was made to seem stupid. I learned that I was wrong in many ways. While of course I was not wrong.

      I have always thought that I was not as good as everyone else. Lots of therapy and years of self-destruction later I can see that I'm OK just as I am. No more envy of people who seem to have it all together. Noone is perfect and noone ever will be.

      I think addiction nearly always has an element of self-hatred involved. If you learn to love yourself and grow up with validation of your feelings, and without constant demeaning you are less likely to become addicted to anything, IMHO.

      I think you are on the right track to explore these feelings and recognize the truth.

      Comment

        #4
        Self Hate

        Hi Library Girl:

        Thanks so much for this post. I think about this every day.
        For me The Self Loathing is absolutly the Corner Stone of all my years drinking. And I know exactly where it came from: My father was a physician and one step away from becoming the Surgeon General but he was deeply, deeply cruel and to call him 'critical' is an understatement. He is gone now and though I know intellectualy what he did to me and my sisters was awful it was and is also an opportunity to rise above it. Emotionally though, it remains the perverbial boot-heel on my throat.
        Which is why I come here... trying to get out from under, so to speak
        XXOO

        PS: A thought came to me the other day as I was chanting (I practice Nichiren Buddhism) and I wrote this down: If I think poorly of myself, I can fail with a clear conscience.
        I must admit I sat up and took notice of that little thought...
        hugs(sorry i don't know how to make all the cool little faces, execpt for the smiles
        On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
        *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

        Comment

          #5
          Self Hate

          My father was very critical too Kradle. He was a driven person and would take no less in anyone else either. Any sign of weakness or what he called (laziness) was despicable to him, and I recall on many occasions where I felt ashamed of myself and unworthy of love. On top of his ambitious drive, he was also a fundamentalist christian. Those two things together were enough to drive us all (my six siblings and myself) to the bottle or worse later in life. I have no knowledge of my siblings' struggles in life, other than one of my sisters who is closest in age to myself. I am the youngest. I know that she suffered extreme depression and a huge weight gain as a result years ago. She is also a very driven person, as are all my siblings...and I am the baby, not very driven in comparison, and now the only overweight one of all of us. It is very depressing and demeaning at family gatherings, and they all wonder why I don't come around/communicate with all of them more.

          Anyway, yes I agree, anyone with healthy self-love would not be vulnerable to addiction most likely. This is something we can all attest to here, I believe.

          LG


          "I like people too much or not at all."           Sylvia Plath

          Comment

            #6
            Self Hate

            I think we all share some sort of commonality as all of these threads seem to be so much alike. I didn't have a father to speak of, he did a very good job of getting remarries and raising someone else's children. A deliberate choice. To spend less and less time with his own children. By the time we were teenagers we didn't even get a card on Christmas.
            I didn't get along with my stepfather well at all and now find myself being very critical of my stepson, whom I love dearly. But how do you love someone, but then treat them harshly? Just like I said in my post earlier on the newbies nest, no girl deserves to grow with low self esteem and self doubt, and neither does that boy. So why in the hell would I hurt him? After 2 glasses of wine sat night, I brought up a situation that was seemingly benign to me, in front of our new neighbors, but which embarrassed and hurt him terribly. I wouldn't have done that had I not been drinking. Now my husband is faced with the choice of me or him. No choice there. I don't know how to repair this because I am not good at sharing feelings.
            Growing up, and still now the saying from my mother is pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep on going. You don't talk about your problems and you certainly don't air your dirty laundry. So nobody knows I'm an alcoholic but my husband, and his opinion of me is not real favorable these days. Another ugly face cry coming...
            Catawprint:



            "It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
            -Alan Cohen

            Comment

              #7
              Self Hate

              Hi LB:

              I am the youngest of four girls and there is no love loss there I am afraid though I have tried as I'm sure you have. I do know there struggles however all with alcohol, depression, multiple marriages, victimhood...All are professional, well educated women who are one step away from blowing their brains out in my humble opinion. I liken my sisters to the Bermuda Triangle: When they get together I disappear
              I don't think we will ever know why our dad's choose to create the loveless, cruel and critical world for their kids they did. It was done to them no doubt- My Grandmother was a true piece of work! But I am every day hyper mindful of how I talk to my kids, espeically my son becasue I hear my dad's poisonous words sometimes spinning out of my mouth and you better belive he was alive and well when I was drinking a ton. I am way way down know and no more of the weird drinking stuff which used to go on but I know that I have to get out from under completely to fully become my best self. Just so many Damn obstacles! And of course, My dad's big fat loud 'I love you but you're all Shits' voice playing permenantly on my K-FUKD Radio station in my head. Yes, he actaully said that to all of us one night at dinner.
              Well, so much more to say on this subject but I am super grateful to you libaray Girl for bringing it up becasue I have been trying so hard to articulate it and now I don't think I will be able to shut Up..
              XXOO
              On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
              *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
              https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
              https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

              Comment

                #8
                Self Hate

                Hi CB:
                I just saw your post and Wow, it hit home. Yes we have much in common in the MWO world. My husband has been in my face regarding how I talk to Matt many times. Sometimes I see it. Sometimes I don't. I will say I am HYPER vigilante about what I say to him at all times and I make VERY conscience efforts to say how good he looks and what a great job he is doing and I love him an lots of really mushy stuff which he rolls his eyes at but I know he loves.
                There ios no question that when I was drinking a lot Matt was a tartget becaseu well, let's face it, Men were not exactly role modeled well for me and my sense of 'boundries' (ha ha) were basically non existent. So small little 'begnign' stuff Matt would do became instant "trigger' for me many times before I really knew or understood why they were becoming triggers.

                One night for instance he would not take this shirt off for bed and I hit the roof (after hitting the bottle first, of course) I yelled and yelled and instisted he put on PJ's. It was stupid beyond words. It wasn't until much later that I realised that I some 'picture' some perfect picture in my head about how my son should be dressed when he went to bed and because he didn't fit that 'picture' he couldn't go to bed and I became unglued... Well, that pretty much descibes my dad, doesn't it? Whatever picture he had in his head for his family, none of else would ever fit into that frame and he made our lives a living hell becasue of it. And here I was doing the exact same thing. Same Shit. Different Day.
                So you see I have to keep HYPER vigilante around him (and my twin girls though it's not as hard with them) so I don't slip into 'Peter L. " Mode...
                See, I can't shut up now !
                PS: My husband is not kind about my problem either but I am very clear with him that the only way out for us is to work it out- actaully my husband said that to me once after a big fight and I use that all the time now
                On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                Comment

                  #9
                  Self Hate

                  PPS: Matt is my son (duh!) and he is 13. He is also the cutie sitting on the giant pumkin! I thnk he was about 9 then..wow it goes fast
                  On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                  *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                  https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Self Hate

                    I don't know how to fix this with my stepson. I told his dad that things need to settle out, then he can say whatever he wants to say to me. I deserve to take my medicine on this. He told his dad that he just thinks I am this way all the time. That when I am nice, I am pretending. I have to fix this. Just no clue how to start...
                    Catawprint:



                    "It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
                    -Alan Cohen

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Self Hate

                      Not knowing the situation and wanting to fix others (instead of myself, according to the "laundry list" above), I can offer some suggestions. LOL, how do you like the qualifying statement within?

                      Honestly, in my opinion I guess you have to actually sit down and apologize. Say I know I said [this] and I was wrong. I had no right to disrespect your privacy. Then give him a chance to say what he wants and listen without interrupting. Acknowledge what he says without immediately disagreeing. Also, just my two cents, but I wouldn't say, I was drunk therefore blah blah...

                      LG


                      "I like people too much or not at all."                       Sylvia Plath

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Self Hate

                        Oh CB,
                        I am so sorry you are having to endure this. What a challange! It is hard enough having to struggle with all the past memories of disappointments and put downs but then to have to go and try to assuage other people's perceptions of us! Well, I know you know you can't really do that. Your step son is going to think what he is going to think unfortunately. I don't know you personally but just the fact that you are here and fighting shows you are a good decent person and caring strong mom with a lot to offer. When I am in a no win with my husband and Matt, I have to Bubble Bath it...meaning I simply have to stay focused on making myself well because if I allow myself to get swept up in all the negative stuff in how they see me, how they are mad at me how they hate me ect, I am gone gone gone and no use to anyone, especially them.
                        So I walk away. Sorry that happened. Sorry you feel that way. I am working on it. Hopefully we can come together later. Love you. I'm in the bath now. Dinner's in the fridge...You get the idea.
                        Stay Strong. Everyone's here for you.
                        And your husband if he wants another perspective...
                        XXOO

                        PS: My Son is ODD (oppositional Defiant Disorder) which makes it even more tons of fun
                        On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                        *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                        https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Self Hate

                          Oh:

                          I definately agree though with LB you have to apologise and of course listen to what he has to say. SOrry I thought that had happened. Soemtimes even after I say I am sorry they still come after me. Keep telling me how awful I am. That's when I bubble bath
                          Thanks, LB
                          On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                          *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                          https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Self Hate

                            Another ACOA

                            Hey there. Good to know I am not alone. I grew up in a pretty screwed up family. Dad was an alcoholic, albeit he was a good man. Sister was an alcoholic/drug addict. I felt invisible. I actually grew up in a middle class home. Funny how you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

                            I have always felt "out of place." I envied my friends who seemed to so easily socialize and fit in. I did well in school, was an athlete, etc. but somehow I never felt "good enough". Ended up drinking to excess and looking for approval from men in my college years. Not exactly a time I am proud of.

                            Goal: Move on and let that go. I am no longer that person. I drink many times to feel comfortable in my own skin. I would like to feel that way without having to drink. Why is it so hard to just accept yourself? I have never been able to do that. Always expect perfection. Never gonna happen.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Self Hate

                              Just adding my name to the list of "must be perfect at all times" people! Hyper-critical father who never ever told me I did well with anything, never had a positive word, never told me he loved me. Indifferent mother who catered to my father. I too started drinking so that I could socialize with people. It was the only way I could let my walls down.

                              Comment

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