Self Hate
This honesty & strength has given me courage!.... I think I might be able to open up & share with out ridicule, yet I still feel fear & shame. But feck it. I am who I am. Maybe I will. Lada Gaga's song comes to mind. You know Oney I realize u don't give a damn what others think of u & your signature line & even the avatar annoyed me, but then I thought about them later & thought of them in a new way. Now I understand better.
I'm just not sure how to achieve this fully, loving me & not giving a damn what others think of me. It would be nice to have both & in the arena of business it's a fine line. Or maybe I'm to left brained & too sensitive all at the same time. But damn it, I owe it to myself to love me! Know matter what season ~ stage I'm at in life. No matter what I look like, who raised me or how much money I have. I've got to stop comparing myself to others, cause when I do it's generally unfavorable. Besides I was taught by wise others to only have a pity party for no longer then 5 minutes & get over my self. Of course this just fecking depends on the seriousness of the situation.
I guess I just wanted there to be love & peace here. I see why when there is verbal negative words among people here & elsewhere in life how it so reminds me of my own family of origin, how it has effected all my relationships, esp past ones including my long marriage. I think this is why I shut down when I see verbal attacks or I perceive them that way, or I want to stand up for people. I guess it comes from this really painful place. I know this is stupid as this is the feckin Internet, but I'm afraid of u. Yet, I love your courage, your self confidence & your solid sobriety. A part of me just wants to run away & hide.
I too grew up with a very poor, but single Mom. She told me she wished she never had me, wished she would have flushed me down the toilet. Tried to choke me, smother me a pillow. Then would turn around & be sorry & say I love u. Wasn't allowed much to speak my mind. Very hard for me to do as I was born a free spirit. Yet, I was the cute one for a while & me brother the ugly one. My Dad I was so scared of, emotional, physical abuse to. He wasn't the one who molested me, but he would come to visit & he often whipped me or spoke so harshly. I too had to be the grown up & was left alone at a young age without adult supervision. Me thinks this part of why I'm a bit of a rebel, or maybe a lot of one at times.
I remember my Dad telling me my arms were fat, blah blah blah. I've always had this fear of being fat! My Mom has always been obese. My Dad married 3 times. I think I learned from a young age that I thought sex was love. My hubby also abused me this way esp, after two pregies. Telling me I'm fat. With holding sex. Mainly verbal & emotional abuse in our early yrs. I think WTF is this all men think of woman. He told me I'd never be good at anything except cleaning & cooking. Told me I was fat. I built yrs of resentments towards him & myself. I drank at him, at people. To escape. Well this is part of my whys. There r many. Me trying to find a way out to financially support my two young girls, looking for a way to educate myself. I couldn't find one. Plus all I could think of was he'd marry again like my dad have kids with other woman & they'd never have their daddy.
I worked long hours at nite as their was no public buss here & was afraid some bad predator would get my girls. I taught both my girls to get a higher education, to work hard, believe in themselves, believe in a Loving God, they are still working on it. Not to have children until they have met their goals. Even if that means they want them & they have to adopt later in life. To never bow to any man, to love themselves, that they are beautiful, kind, intelligent. To be responsible for themselves. To be respectful of others who are different from them. Yet, they aren't door mats either. Esp, my youngest she can be a firecracker. There's enough Irish & Scottish blood flowing in their veins. I don't want them to end up like me. To never give up on their dreams & if those ones don't work, make new ones. I guess I'm a bit of a feminist & never knew it till recent.
At the age of 44-45 I spent two yrs with a female therapist. She said she could help, but that she wanted me to go to OP-Re-hab. She helped me immensely in regards in forgiving my parents. My Dad passed when I was 25, we sent balloons off at a park. Sometimes I think of going back to her, but she wasn't skilled in addiction & is out of my Ins network now.
For the most part I have a good relationship with my Mom. I have forgiven her & we are more then just Mom & daughter, we are friends now. Tho I do admit I have times where memories pop up & her voice bugs me. But it's all good. The hubby, well the good news is with even a little bit of sobriety it helps to release myself from the past. He changed quite some time back, it was I who didn't. I know this to be true from previously having almost 8 months of sobriety at one time. I mean the poor man is good to me & I have put him thru the wringer with my drinking. I don't like myself at all for this & what it's done to my entire family.
I still struggle with loving myself, but my self concept & self image have come along way. My oldest daughter has lived back at home for almost 1 1/2 yrs, moving out next month. She is studying psy. She's quite over weight, short like my Mom & Brother. I am too, but not to their degree. I used to be thin or pleasantly plump, but all this drinking & not caring about myself, esp for the last decade has taken it's toll.
Frankly, beauty comes from within. It has nothing to do with outer looks. I think that it is all a facade, a mask that society has woven for woman to believe. I've known woman who weigh 250 lbs, are short, not particularly pretty, average jobs, who where sexy clothes for their men & have high self esteem & their men adore them. These woman have been in long term relationships. I'm more concerned for health issues, mental, physical, spiritual. Not that there's anything wrong with getting dolled up. I still like to once in a while.
I told my oldest daughter that I was always afraid to walk around the house without my bra on cause my boobs sag so bad now & Dad will just get grossed out. She said why do u care what he thinks? It's cause I realized that's the only reason he ever loved me. Too much value is placed on the outer, cause of yrs of family origin & societies skewed beliefs & cultures.
Man he really did a number on me emotionally thru the yrs. But it's my own damn fault for staying with him. Anyway one day I just kept listening to her & other girlfriends advice, encouragement & said fuck it. I am beautiful & if he doesn't like it he can go fuck himself. Sorry I do tend to have a potty mouth sometimes, but it seems to relieve my shit ~ anger or whatever in my head. So freedom for me old boobs, pain relief for me tummy, best of all I get to say I'm beautiful just the way I am.
LG, You are one of my faves here to. I still haven't read your story, but I will soon. I think the threads you start are so good for us even if they make some of us cry a bit, or think in a profound way. Healing tears for me. They help me feel not so alone & help me to understand myself better. They also help me find ways to be better, to not be so hard on myself, to see that I'm good enough the way I am! Thank you to everybody who's shared so honestly from their hearts! This really helped me to get this out!
By the way I didn't make my 60 AF. I was 5 days away. I played with my RX. Found myself in the store on Mother's day getting Chicken, jo jos, a few groceries, picking up Mom. Had an anxiety attack, went to another fecking store picked up a 6 pack. So over the last 10 days drank beer. Some times just one, other days none, other days 2-3, but then the last couple 3-4. The last day 22nd I didn't eat all day & drank 5. So here I am again starting over.
I'm just grateful that I came to my senses dumped the other 3 beers out yesterday & am willing to jump back on the AF wagon. God knows I've done this a million fecking times, but at least I didn't let the freight train take me to Egypt. I'm not going to beat myself up either. If I sit & dwell in those thoughts like I have in the past it will only lead to more drinking.
No more playing games with my RX. I need to fecking understand what the hell is emotional sobriety, how do I get it & keep it? I'm going to be 50 in July. This has to end. My stomach hurts, my BP up, my spirit can't do this. I don't like alcohol. I don't like me when I drink. I want to live! I want to be reasonably happy! When will I understand? Maybe if I ever achieve long term & lasting sobriety. I miss my clarity
Thanks for letting me share.
Wildflowers
This honesty & strength has given me courage!.... I think I might be able to open up & share with out ridicule, yet I still feel fear & shame. But feck it. I am who I am. Maybe I will. Lada Gaga's song comes to mind. You know Oney I realize u don't give a damn what others think of u & your signature line & even the avatar annoyed me, but then I thought about them later & thought of them in a new way. Now I understand better.
I'm just not sure how to achieve this fully, loving me & not giving a damn what others think of me. It would be nice to have both & in the arena of business it's a fine line. Or maybe I'm to left brained & too sensitive all at the same time. But damn it, I owe it to myself to love me! Know matter what season ~ stage I'm at in life. No matter what I look like, who raised me or how much money I have. I've got to stop comparing myself to others, cause when I do it's generally unfavorable. Besides I was taught by wise others to only have a pity party for no longer then 5 minutes & get over my self. Of course this just fecking depends on the seriousness of the situation.
I guess I just wanted there to be love & peace here. I see why when there is verbal negative words among people here & elsewhere in life how it so reminds me of my own family of origin, how it has effected all my relationships, esp past ones including my long marriage. I think this is why I shut down when I see verbal attacks or I perceive them that way, or I want to stand up for people. I guess it comes from this really painful place. I know this is stupid as this is the feckin Internet, but I'm afraid of u. Yet, I love your courage, your self confidence & your solid sobriety. A part of me just wants to run away & hide.
I too grew up with a very poor, but single Mom. She told me she wished she never had me, wished she would have flushed me down the toilet. Tried to choke me, smother me a pillow. Then would turn around & be sorry & say I love u. Wasn't allowed much to speak my mind. Very hard for me to do as I was born a free spirit. Yet, I was the cute one for a while & me brother the ugly one. My Dad I was so scared of, emotional, physical abuse to. He wasn't the one who molested me, but he would come to visit & he often whipped me or spoke so harshly. I too had to be the grown up & was left alone at a young age without adult supervision. Me thinks this part of why I'm a bit of a rebel, or maybe a lot of one at times.
I remember my Dad telling me my arms were fat, blah blah blah. I've always had this fear of being fat! My Mom has always been obese. My Dad married 3 times. I think I learned from a young age that I thought sex was love. My hubby also abused me this way esp, after two pregies. Telling me I'm fat. With holding sex. Mainly verbal & emotional abuse in our early yrs. I think WTF is this all men think of woman. He told me I'd never be good at anything except cleaning & cooking. Told me I was fat. I built yrs of resentments towards him & myself. I drank at him, at people. To escape. Well this is part of my whys. There r many. Me trying to find a way out to financially support my two young girls, looking for a way to educate myself. I couldn't find one. Plus all I could think of was he'd marry again like my dad have kids with other woman & they'd never have their daddy.
I worked long hours at nite as their was no public buss here & was afraid some bad predator would get my girls. I taught both my girls to get a higher education, to work hard, believe in themselves, believe in a Loving God, they are still working on it. Not to have children until they have met their goals. Even if that means they want them & they have to adopt later in life. To never bow to any man, to love themselves, that they are beautiful, kind, intelligent. To be responsible for themselves. To be respectful of others who are different from them. Yet, they aren't door mats either. Esp, my youngest she can be a firecracker. There's enough Irish & Scottish blood flowing in their veins. I don't want them to end up like me. To never give up on their dreams & if those ones don't work, make new ones. I guess I'm a bit of a feminist & never knew it till recent.
At the age of 44-45 I spent two yrs with a female therapist. She said she could help, but that she wanted me to go to OP-Re-hab. She helped me immensely in regards in forgiving my parents. My Dad passed when I was 25, we sent balloons off at a park. Sometimes I think of going back to her, but she wasn't skilled in addiction & is out of my Ins network now.
For the most part I have a good relationship with my Mom. I have forgiven her & we are more then just Mom & daughter, we are friends now. Tho I do admit I have times where memories pop up & her voice bugs me. But it's all good. The hubby, well the good news is with even a little bit of sobriety it helps to release myself from the past. He changed quite some time back, it was I who didn't. I know this to be true from previously having almost 8 months of sobriety at one time. I mean the poor man is good to me & I have put him thru the wringer with my drinking. I don't like myself at all for this & what it's done to my entire family.
I still struggle with loving myself, but my self concept & self image have come along way. My oldest daughter has lived back at home for almost 1 1/2 yrs, moving out next month. She is studying psy. She's quite over weight, short like my Mom & Brother. I am too, but not to their degree. I used to be thin or pleasantly plump, but all this drinking & not caring about myself, esp for the last decade has taken it's toll.
Frankly, beauty comes from within. It has nothing to do with outer looks. I think that it is all a facade, a mask that society has woven for woman to believe. I've known woman who weigh 250 lbs, are short, not particularly pretty, average jobs, who where sexy clothes for their men & have high self esteem & their men adore them. These woman have been in long term relationships. I'm more concerned for health issues, mental, physical, spiritual. Not that there's anything wrong with getting dolled up. I still like to once in a while.
I told my oldest daughter that I was always afraid to walk around the house without my bra on cause my boobs sag so bad now & Dad will just get grossed out. She said why do u care what he thinks? It's cause I realized that's the only reason he ever loved me. Too much value is placed on the outer, cause of yrs of family origin & societies skewed beliefs & cultures.
Man he really did a number on me emotionally thru the yrs. But it's my own damn fault for staying with him. Anyway one day I just kept listening to her & other girlfriends advice, encouragement & said fuck it. I am beautiful & if he doesn't like it he can go fuck himself. Sorry I do tend to have a potty mouth sometimes, but it seems to relieve my shit ~ anger or whatever in my head. So freedom for me old boobs, pain relief for me tummy, best of all I get to say I'm beautiful just the way I am.
LG, You are one of my faves here to. I still haven't read your story, but I will soon. I think the threads you start are so good for us even if they make some of us cry a bit, or think in a profound way. Healing tears for me. They help me feel not so alone & help me to understand myself better. They also help me find ways to be better, to not be so hard on myself, to see that I'm good enough the way I am! Thank you to everybody who's shared so honestly from their hearts! This really helped me to get this out!
By the way I didn't make my 60 AF. I was 5 days away. I played with my RX. Found myself in the store on Mother's day getting Chicken, jo jos, a few groceries, picking up Mom. Had an anxiety attack, went to another fecking store picked up a 6 pack. So over the last 10 days drank beer. Some times just one, other days none, other days 2-3, but then the last couple 3-4. The last day 22nd I didn't eat all day & drank 5. So here I am again starting over.
I'm just grateful that I came to my senses dumped the other 3 beers out yesterday & am willing to jump back on the AF wagon. God knows I've done this a million fecking times, but at least I didn't let the freight train take me to Egypt. I'm not going to beat myself up either. If I sit & dwell in those thoughts like I have in the past it will only lead to more drinking.
No more playing games with my RX. I need to fecking understand what the hell is emotional sobriety, how do I get it & keep it? I'm going to be 50 in July. This has to end. My stomach hurts, my BP up, my spirit can't do this. I don't like alcohol. I don't like me when I drink. I want to live! I want to be reasonably happy! When will I understand? Maybe if I ever achieve long term & lasting sobriety. I miss my clarity
Thanks for letting me share.
Wildflowers
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