Hi all,
Just a warning, I'm generally pretty concise, but this first post is going to be long. I just kind of need to share all of these things with someone, and I am not at all offended if it's just too long for most people. I promise that my subsequent posts will be shorter.
I suppose I should admit that I'm not exactly brand new here. I have been lurking and benefiting from the wisdom and experience of all of you who post in these forums, and I already feel very grateful to have found a place where we can all be totally honest about our habits, our struggles...all of it. So thank you.
A little bit about what brings me here: I'm 32 years old, and although I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I don't drink in a healthy way, and I know it. Alcoholism runs very strongly through one half of my family, and I am beginning to see that it runs through me too. I read "My Way Out" and so many posts here, and I recognize myself quite a bit. Every time I take one of those quizzes to determine whether you have a problem with alcohol (which of course you already kinda know before you take the quiz if you're honest--that's why you're taking the damn thing in the first place, but whatevs), I seem to answer enough yeses to qualify me as someone who is a "Problem Drinker" or has a potential alcohol problem.
I know a lot of you will probably think the quantity I drink is nothing compared to what you did/do drink, and although the warning signals in my head begin to sound when I think about the quantity I drink, it's the WAY I drink that brings those bells to fever pitch. I usually drink 3-4 glasses of wine per night, sometimes a cocktail and 2-3 glasses of wine, but over the past few months that's become every evening, regardless of what I have to accomplish that night, or what I'm scheduled to do the next morning. I find myself drinking more and more quickly, and I have to make a concerted effort to not overdo it, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.
There are several clear indicators that my relationship to alcohol has become unhealthy--maybe considering it a relationship in the first place means something, come to think of it. Anyway, I definitely do not have the off switch that most people do when it comes to AL, and once I've had a few at a wedding, party, or other social event where everyone is imbibing, I just keeping going and going, getting drunker and drunker despite the promises I've made to myself that I won't. I sometimes sneak drinks or have a drink before an event that makes me anxious very quickly and surreptitiously--like someone slugging back medicine.
During the holidays, during a particularly stressful few days, I began keeping those little mini wine bottles around, and I would sneak them past my family and then hide the bottles. So, yeah, I have a problem. I have a very distinct feeling that I am at an impasse, where I've been given the opportunity to either get this thing under control, or to watch it mushroom and escalate until I become a full blown alcoholic.
I have far too many good things in my life to let this happen, including the most incredible little toddler you could ever imagine, a demanding job that I love (in addition to parenting, which is of course about the most demanding job there is), a creative mind (which I have been dulling with AL), amazing family and friends...you get the gist. There is so much I still want to do with my life, so many dreams and ideas I want to nurture for me and for my family.
Over the past 6 weeks or so, I've begun to level with myself, to look in the mirror as honestly as I can, and I know that AL is beginning to bring me down. I know that if I'm not careful, I could end up being a burden and an embarrassment to my son, someone he tolerates but never admires, and I am not okay with that. That's not my story. It can't be. I won't let it. I refuse.
Having been particularly inspired by the stories of Katie and UKBlonde, and having done more than my share of research and lurking, I feel like TSM with Naltrexone is the best way for me to go, and I took my first 1/2 pill right before I began this post. I am so ready to turn this corner...so, so ready. My hope is that I will eventually be feel indifferent to AL, and perhaps still enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine in a social setting. I know that I might find that being ALF is the way for me to go at that point, but one bridge at a time, k?
No one knows I'm doing this, not even my husband or best friend. Just you guys. So thanks for letting me tell you what's going on, and thanks for sharing your stories. Here goes...
Just a warning, I'm generally pretty concise, but this first post is going to be long. I just kind of need to share all of these things with someone, and I am not at all offended if it's just too long for most people. I promise that my subsequent posts will be shorter.
I suppose I should admit that I'm not exactly brand new here. I have been lurking and benefiting from the wisdom and experience of all of you who post in these forums, and I already feel very grateful to have found a place where we can all be totally honest about our habits, our struggles...all of it. So thank you.
A little bit about what brings me here: I'm 32 years old, and although I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I don't drink in a healthy way, and I know it. Alcoholism runs very strongly through one half of my family, and I am beginning to see that it runs through me too. I read "My Way Out" and so many posts here, and I recognize myself quite a bit. Every time I take one of those quizzes to determine whether you have a problem with alcohol (which of course you already kinda know before you take the quiz if you're honest--that's why you're taking the damn thing in the first place, but whatevs), I seem to answer enough yeses to qualify me as someone who is a "Problem Drinker" or has a potential alcohol problem.
I know a lot of you will probably think the quantity I drink is nothing compared to what you did/do drink, and although the warning signals in my head begin to sound when I think about the quantity I drink, it's the WAY I drink that brings those bells to fever pitch. I usually drink 3-4 glasses of wine per night, sometimes a cocktail and 2-3 glasses of wine, but over the past few months that's become every evening, regardless of what I have to accomplish that night, or what I'm scheduled to do the next morning. I find myself drinking more and more quickly, and I have to make a concerted effort to not overdo it, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't.
There are several clear indicators that my relationship to alcohol has become unhealthy--maybe considering it a relationship in the first place means something, come to think of it. Anyway, I definitely do not have the off switch that most people do when it comes to AL, and once I've had a few at a wedding, party, or other social event where everyone is imbibing, I just keeping going and going, getting drunker and drunker despite the promises I've made to myself that I won't. I sometimes sneak drinks or have a drink before an event that makes me anxious very quickly and surreptitiously--like someone slugging back medicine.
During the holidays, during a particularly stressful few days, I began keeping those little mini wine bottles around, and I would sneak them past my family and then hide the bottles. So, yeah, I have a problem. I have a very distinct feeling that I am at an impasse, where I've been given the opportunity to either get this thing under control, or to watch it mushroom and escalate until I become a full blown alcoholic.
I have far too many good things in my life to let this happen, including the most incredible little toddler you could ever imagine, a demanding job that I love (in addition to parenting, which is of course about the most demanding job there is), a creative mind (which I have been dulling with AL), amazing family and friends...you get the gist. There is so much I still want to do with my life, so many dreams and ideas I want to nurture for me and for my family.
Over the past 6 weeks or so, I've begun to level with myself, to look in the mirror as honestly as I can, and I know that AL is beginning to bring me down. I know that if I'm not careful, I could end up being a burden and an embarrassment to my son, someone he tolerates but never admires, and I am not okay with that. That's not my story. It can't be. I won't let it. I refuse.
Having been particularly inspired by the stories of Katie and UKBlonde, and having done more than my share of research and lurking, I feel like TSM with Naltrexone is the best way for me to go, and I took my first 1/2 pill right before I began this post. I am so ready to turn this corner...so, so ready. My hope is that I will eventually be feel indifferent to AL, and perhaps still enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine in a social setting. I know that I might find that being ALF is the way for me to go at that point, but one bridge at a time, k?
No one knows I'm doing this, not even my husband or best friend. Just you guys. So thanks for letting me tell you what's going on, and thanks for sharing your stories. Here goes...
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