I've been quite but not good...........

[just h]

Okay, I was AF for I'm not sure of how many days. Over a week I know for sure. Mostly a week and about a half............. My Bday was on the 9th and I didn't have a drink on that or before that for atleast a couple of days....... Today I broke. I had my shrink appointment and I talked to my dad. I haven't talked to him since I cut myself............. several months ago it seems to me. We went in the same circle as we did in those days. Just this time I don't have a razor in my hands.......... Hard for me. He tells me he quit with only the grace of God and got staight in one night........... Mom says that's a load of shit...... not sure what to believe. All I know as prayer alone doesn't kill the craving or urge any slightest bit. Maybe I'm doing it wrong...........

Prayers to all of you on the begining of this............:h :h :h

[Accountable for Me]

I've been quite but not good...........

Hang in there Just h. I know how family can be a HUGE factor in why we drink. Believe me. I know. I never hear the 'good stuff' just the shitty stuff I did - like the drinking. I honestly think at times I have been labeled for life. Live your life for you.

I had a boyfriend years ago who cut himself. He was the nicest, kindest, most self-less person I have ever known. He was in a lot of pain.......... He did it as a release of his pain. His father is a raging alcoholic and his mother, well she isn't all there. I couldn't deal with his cutting so I ended it. If I wasn't so selfish and gettting wasted on booze I probably would of helped him get help. Kind of feel guilty about it to this day. He so deserved to be happy. I have never met anyone nicer - believe me. Please stop punishing yourself. You deserve to be happy to.

Keep your chin up and keep trying.

[Determinator]

I've been quite but not good...........

Just H, Accountable for me is so right. you know I personally experienced the cutting "self mutilation" as a result of some of my previous experiences with a combination of heavy drinking, family drama and depression. it really freaked out my poor Dad whom I lived with at the time. I moved on and away from him and now we are closer than ever and I haven't had that problem in more than 10 years now I'm happy to say. I believe that meditation could have really helped me at the time and I'd highly recommend it if you can. just my two cents. take care!

[Rags]

I've been quite but not good...........

Just H and Determinator,
I've just finished reading a book about a woman incorrectly diagnosed with depression and all the horrendous things that happened to her for 2 years!!! I'm going to put up a post in books we're reading tomorrow about it. Boy am I glad I stopped taking ZOLOFT and chucked them in the bin. That was 6 years ago.
I may not be 100 % sane but better than being in psych ward or dead. Have a squizz (look) tomoprrow. I'll also post associated reading. But ist sounds like you're both OK now. Perhaps it may help some others in MWO.

[hidden_gem]

I've been quite but not good...........

Hey Just H and all,

I understand the cutting thing. In fact just today I noticed my scars again, which are from ten years ago. They were tiny feather-light scratches really, but what they symbolise is my inability to express myself.

Ten years on, I still find that there are parts of myself that I haven't reconciled, and this is why I still struggle today.

I know what the key is - and I believe it is exactly what Determinator has recommended. Meditation - learning to be alone and not being afraid of your thoughts, but being able to see them for what they are.

I am struggling myself, too. I truly believe that we create our lives from the thoughts we allow to be. I just find it hard to control them at times, as they come from many years of ingrained messages.

I wish you peace and the ability to change those internal messages.

Much love

Gem x

[just h]

I've been quite but not good...........

Okay, I'm so hung over. I feel like shit. I remember even trying to make my throw up in a futile attempt to get the alcohol out of me. I guess I was too late. It probably helped some I could be feeling worse. I'm going to pour it out today. I'm so tired of this. Playing games with myself. Thanks for the support. I'm back to bed to try to feel better before I go to work. Funny I want to cry but can't for some reason.....