I'm afraid that last's night posts may have been the result of one of mood fluctuations. I feel like shit. My girl-friend does not seem to think that our drinking/drug use is a problem despite several friends commenting that at times it appears that she's not at all 'there'. I'm not the same person I used to be; I've lost that flamboyant, stubborn, idealistic me that was filled with so much life and energy.
I don't know how I ended up where or how I am. I can just recall finding myself in Adelaide, after trying to off myself in Darwin; a red-neck town on the other side of the country, four years ago and the years in-between are all a blur. Who the f*ck am I? I can?t sleep. I am filled with guilt every time I eat. I have to use all my will power just to stop myself from continuing to slash at my arms or thighs; something I haven?t done since December. I?m awake, here, or lying awakenin bed every night until all hours of the morning. But, at least I?m making myself go to work, which is a big improvement. I used to, as I?m sure many of you have done, simply get smashed and call in sick at seven in the morning.
I don?t know what to do with this money I have earned of late. It used to go on booze in an instant, as soon as it fell oh not so safely into my wallet. I?ve only spent money on smokes?hmmm?another addiction.
What nutritional supplements can one take to restore their cognitive functions? I?ve started popping my Omega-3 pills like Tic-Tacs, but I?m sure there are more products available.
Has anyone else found that they no longer have any short-term working memory? I kept making the most simplest and ridiculous mistakes today at work, such as forgetting to change a Coke to a Fanta, or forgetting to upgrade customer?s meals. My manager and fellow employees think I am a complete and utter moron. I over heard them talking about me on my second shift = ?She?s really sweet but a bit slow.?
F*ck. F*Ck. F*ck.
My one defining characteristic or quality that I used to pride myself on was my intelligence. I was an egotistical, competitive shit in high-school; always checking and comparing marks and grades to reassure myself that I was still the class genius in every single one of my courses. God, I was such an obsessed wanker.
And you know what? Now I have people looking down on me giving me a taste of my own acrid medicine. As, if you ask me for a synonym I can rapid-fire rattle of a dozen instantly, yet if you ask me 'What?s the last order you served?' or "Is that Bacon Deluxe the next order up on Drive Thru?", I simply cannot recall.
It?s infuriating. My head literally isn?t f*cking working!
I walked outside an hour or so ago, saw my girl-friend with the cat sitting next to her on the chair to the left, asked her if she had the smokes and then went inside to fetch them. When I returned I was spouting out some verbal effluent in an attempt to appear witty and sat on the damn thing! There was literally a ten to fifteen second gap between me seeing poor old Kitty and the unsuccessful attempted manslaughter, with regards to the poor creature!
Nobody wants to wind up looking as if they possess the same mental capacity as the average drunken homeless person one?s meets in the city, with their glazed over eyes, half constructed sentences and slow shuffle.
F*ck. I knew I was doing it all along; with every sip, every inhalation, every drop, I knew what I was doing, but couldn?t summon the will power needed for me to turn away from those chemical tools of self-destruction. I knew it; I feared it and I even understood the ways in which each chemical compound interacted with the brain. I did the research beforehand; I found out about the long and short term consequences of the drugs I was taking. I was overcome by anxiety every time I used anything. But, I couldn?t make myself stop.
They say that one of the number one symptoms of alcoholism is denial. But, I always had that awareness. I knew it could lead to a down-ward spiral of self-indulgence, escapism and destruction. Why the f*ck have I wasted the last three and a half years?!
Yeah, I know. Stop beating yourself up, stuck_with_me? God, what an awful pseudonym. But, I guess we have to keep the whole anonymity protocol alive and well, don?t we.
Sorry about the negativity. I?m just facing the fact that now, after crying wolf so many times, no one I have talked to actually believes that I plan to stop. They?ve disregarded everything I?ve said.
?Oh, she?s just saying that because she?s hung over.? ? My younger sister.
?Yeah right, pull the other one.? ? Mother
?Insert masculine grunt here.? ? Father
?Don?t worry about it so much.? ? Girlfriend
I know that these are responses most addicts, such as you and I (God, it?s sad to see me type that) get after attempting to quit and failing, time and time again.
This is why MWO has its benefits? despite seeming a little overly cheerful at first, I?ve realized that this level of support and constant encouragement is necessary, as anyone who abuses/abused alcohol is bound to suffer from a low self-esteem, self-doubt and a belief that they are powerless and or out of control of their lives.
It?s 2:29 AM ladies and gentlemen. Gee wiz ? I must love this site? or perhaps it?s the secrecy; having to make sure that no one is around whilst I?m viewing these pages, which are then cleared from the history.
F*ck it. I?m going to have a smoke and browse the health store section, to which I?ve never been.
P.S ? the kitty just came back! Woo hoo! And on a more serious note, I am going to try to be more helpful on the boards. I?ll offer whatever help or insight that I can, but for now I still feel a bit like a blind person, who?s stumbling, lost, navigating their way around the place with the help of a few trusty guide dogs.
Too da loo my darlings
I don't know how I ended up where or how I am. I can just recall finding myself in Adelaide, after trying to off myself in Darwin; a red-neck town on the other side of the country, four years ago and the years in-between are all a blur. Who the f*ck am I? I can?t sleep. I am filled with guilt every time I eat. I have to use all my will power just to stop myself from continuing to slash at my arms or thighs; something I haven?t done since December. I?m awake, here, or lying awakenin bed every night until all hours of the morning. But, at least I?m making myself go to work, which is a big improvement. I used to, as I?m sure many of you have done, simply get smashed and call in sick at seven in the morning.
I don?t know what to do with this money I have earned of late. It used to go on booze in an instant, as soon as it fell oh not so safely into my wallet. I?ve only spent money on smokes?hmmm?another addiction.
What nutritional supplements can one take to restore their cognitive functions? I?ve started popping my Omega-3 pills like Tic-Tacs, but I?m sure there are more products available.
Has anyone else found that they no longer have any short-term working memory? I kept making the most simplest and ridiculous mistakes today at work, such as forgetting to change a Coke to a Fanta, or forgetting to upgrade customer?s meals. My manager and fellow employees think I am a complete and utter moron. I over heard them talking about me on my second shift = ?She?s really sweet but a bit slow.?
F*ck. F*Ck. F*ck.
My one defining characteristic or quality that I used to pride myself on was my intelligence. I was an egotistical, competitive shit in high-school; always checking and comparing marks and grades to reassure myself that I was still the class genius in every single one of my courses. God, I was such an obsessed wanker.
And you know what? Now I have people looking down on me giving me a taste of my own acrid medicine. As, if you ask me for a synonym I can rapid-fire rattle of a dozen instantly, yet if you ask me 'What?s the last order you served?' or "Is that Bacon Deluxe the next order up on Drive Thru?", I simply cannot recall.
It?s infuriating. My head literally isn?t f*cking working!
I walked outside an hour or so ago, saw my girl-friend with the cat sitting next to her on the chair to the left, asked her if she had the smokes and then went inside to fetch them. When I returned I was spouting out some verbal effluent in an attempt to appear witty and sat on the damn thing! There was literally a ten to fifteen second gap between me seeing poor old Kitty and the unsuccessful attempted manslaughter, with regards to the poor creature!
Nobody wants to wind up looking as if they possess the same mental capacity as the average drunken homeless person one?s meets in the city, with their glazed over eyes, half constructed sentences and slow shuffle.
F*ck. I knew I was doing it all along; with every sip, every inhalation, every drop, I knew what I was doing, but couldn?t summon the will power needed for me to turn away from those chemical tools of self-destruction. I knew it; I feared it and I even understood the ways in which each chemical compound interacted with the brain. I did the research beforehand; I found out about the long and short term consequences of the drugs I was taking. I was overcome by anxiety every time I used anything. But, I couldn?t make myself stop.
They say that one of the number one symptoms of alcoholism is denial. But, I always had that awareness. I knew it could lead to a down-ward spiral of self-indulgence, escapism and destruction. Why the f*ck have I wasted the last three and a half years?!
Yeah, I know. Stop beating yourself up, stuck_with_me? God, what an awful pseudonym. But, I guess we have to keep the whole anonymity protocol alive and well, don?t we.
Sorry about the negativity. I?m just facing the fact that now, after crying wolf so many times, no one I have talked to actually believes that I plan to stop. They?ve disregarded everything I?ve said.
?Oh, she?s just saying that because she?s hung over.? ? My younger sister.
?Yeah right, pull the other one.? ? Mother
?Insert masculine grunt here.? ? Father
?Don?t worry about it so much.? ? Girlfriend
I know that these are responses most addicts, such as you and I (God, it?s sad to see me type that) get after attempting to quit and failing, time and time again.
This is why MWO has its benefits? despite seeming a little overly cheerful at first, I?ve realized that this level of support and constant encouragement is necessary, as anyone who abuses/abused alcohol is bound to suffer from a low self-esteem, self-doubt and a belief that they are powerless and or out of control of their lives.
It?s 2:29 AM ladies and gentlemen. Gee wiz ? I must love this site? or perhaps it?s the secrecy; having to make sure that no one is around whilst I?m viewing these pages, which are then cleared from the history.
F*ck it. I?m going to have a smoke and browse the health store section, to which I?ve never been.
P.S ? the kitty just came back! Woo hoo! And on a more serious note, I am going to try to be more helpful on the boards. I?ll offer whatever help or insight that I can, but for now I still feel a bit like a blind person, who?s stumbling, lost, navigating their way around the place with the help of a few trusty guide dogs.
Too da loo my darlings
Other drugs will range anywhere from simply putting brain cells to sleep all the way to killing them too. So...good news if your using drugs that are just putting your cells to sleep - they will eventually wake up (takes a while after you quit). I also know that neural tissue can regrow. An article that just came out the other day sites recent research proving human brain cells can regrow after injury or disease.
eace:
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