less little miss

[breakaway]

:new:Hey all, my english isn't at it's best but this is the only way i could possibly manage myself around until tomorrow, without totally screwing myself up. Me a young broke-down woman had to break up with my 4 years relationship, for violence and no change in my behaviour and no change from his side. im on the edge, he's doing drugs such as cocaine too often as he's already 35 and smokes as an angry indian. i had a toxic relation to a male before and my parents were into music weed/beer/wine/whisky-bar's...nor that im thinking this all is toxic, i know it's dangerous by now; i know it is for i'm scared..im so sick of it all, i'm aware of my possible addiction to self-destruction, self-earaser, 8 months ago i got into the drinking buzz for i had problems with my past, i imagined it would do me good, as i had fun being on my own, dreaming of better days, drunk but being stuck. At work i usally drink a beer at lunch time, somedays i'll have a gin-tonic later on...more and more, always wanting more, until my head turns and i can straight fall out and break my bed. maybe its because its very noisy outside my place, always a reason not to go for the run i loved before... im ashamed because my treatment didn't work, i've lost control many times, thinking how nice it feels to set no limits to life and anything in regards to it. i had depression in may 2011 and possibly it's genetic, or i am just plein homesick but what can i do? go home little stranger... there's no way home in this state.i am having trouble to admit to anyone, i lie to myself, nobody who knows me knows what's going on in my mind, at work im just a forced smile in the face and i work on weekends too...i want to change for good or better times, i need to start today...i don't know how maybe works this time around, hope somebody get's in touch :thanks:

[windy]

less little miss

Hi Breakaway and welcome to MWO!!

I understand what it is like to communicate in a second language too as I lived in a foreign country for five years, so I wanted to say I think you did a very good job of putting your situation down in writing. That you have a sense of humor and sound very reflective is a great start to a very long journey. Don't give up (ever) and start to do the things you used to do that give you pleasure. You mentioned running and I cannot think of a better activity for this battle you are prepared to face.

Looking forward to reading more of your posts. You can feel free to share here as it is a non-judgemenal place to tell your story, and we all have our stories.

Stay close.

[briseus]

less little miss

Welcome Breakaway - I second Windy's post.

Welcome to MWO - post away as much as you want - no judgements here as all! We all have our stories; sober and drunk.
And I also understand the language barrier but you did fantastic putting feelings to keyboard .

I also think that it is a good idea to begin the activities once again that you loved to do. It really is crucial in early sobriety. So get those running shoes on and hit the pavement!
I lost interest in all the hobbies that I used to have when I drank...because all I could think about was when I could get my next "fix".
So since I stopped drinking I am doing all the things that I couldn't do while drunk because that's all I did! Stared at the wall, drinking my day away...it was all a blur! And it's such a shame all the time that I wasted.

It really is hard to breakaway (ha! no pun intended there) from a relationship...four years is a very long time...but if it is going to affect your sobriety in any way that I think it is the best thing for you at this time. I know that a lot of people get sober while their spouse is in active addiction but it all depends on the person.

Post away on here as much as you want!
Visit the newbies nest and know we are all here for you!

Have you had any sober time under your belt already? How long have you been drinking for?

Thinking of you!

Bri

[Kradle123]

less little miss

Hi Breakaway, Welcome :welcome: Welcome :welcome:

I practice Nichiren Buddism and many of my friends are Japanese and it was tough in the beginning understanding each other. But during the years I realized they said things simply and with a lot of power and so do you.

Like Self - Eraser: many times I've wanted to erase myself.I love the way you said that! :h

In my opinion, Getting out of a relationship with a 35 year old violent guy doing coke and what-not is a GREAT MOVE. :goodjob:
And wouldn't beat myself up. It sounds like your parents didn't provide very good role models.

Anyway, I think your in a good place here. Lots of help on your journey and it sounds corner but you took the biggest, hardest step by just talking....

Hugs to you
:l

[breakaway]

less little miss

Thank you so much!!!
made me drop some tears, reading all this and discover all the storys, all in all i guess moving on... is more important then not drinking anymore, i need to get out of this manipulation. be it from the others or my own. Just seems unreal thats the big shit, i cannot manage to believe it... yet it's done. I have to stick to my guns very hard... never before had to fight with a man except my fathers...
On friday is the worst as everybody goes out having fun meeting friends, screaming around, i wish i could do so too...knowing im still able to make fun outthere but it's like what the hell are they taking ???
Time and time again, how great to imagine two months could go by in five minutes, its awfully slow here.
Just making up something to get over this hell of concert on the other side of the river. Im sick of time - people making everything perfectly right, whilst too much of it is just wrong...me for instance, could be outthere with a class-mate but im not feeling like any random, social small talk as my life is in kind of a danger, wishing well this giant community it's awesome project. ( i didn't go get any liter)
tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow... be safe

[briseus]

less little miss

You just have to take it One Day At A Time, Breakaway.
I know how difficult it is to go out and socialize and not have a drink. I've been there - done that...once I went out and the next day I binged like crazy...I have done it again and have had more strength to not pick up the bottle.
I too am now avoiding situations where they serve alcohol and that is totally normal. A lot of people say that you need to find new friends and new places to hang out once you stop with the boozing.
I am no longer going to go out to clubs and such in the near future (I am getting too old for that too though) and things like that because it would be triggering.

Just keep yourself busy. As much as you can.
Like I said, throw those shoes on and go out running or head out to the gym. Rent some movies. Organize your closet. Read some books/magazines. Try a new recipe.
Time sometimes drags on...and sometimes it flies by...all you have to focus on is spending both of those times sober.

And also...you do have to stick to your guns. You don't need to be in an abusive relationship with a man right now. You are trying to cut yourself off from an abusive relationship with alcohol...might as well cut the cord with the guy. You'll feel better for it.
Focus on you. Because right now, that is all that matters.

xo
Bri