Opening up to friends

[BakerExtraordinaire]

I just had a somewhat negative experience, and am looking for some support/advice.

I'm 26, and most of my friends don't know the extent of my alcohol abuse issues. The ones who do, well, I lost them years ago, aside from 2-3 that stuck around (plus my supportive fiance!)

I've been trying to make plans with my friend...whom I've known since 4th grade, but she moved around during middle and high school, and we just got back in touch after college. She lives in my neighborhood, yet I don't see her too often. I think she more hangs with her "lawyer" friends (she's a clerk, and going to law school), and it seems like much of her free time is spent at bars. But I digress.

I asked her to come over for brunch this weekend, and she replied with an offer of bloody marys/beermosas. I replied with a lighthearted "thanks, but I'm on the wagon..." and mentioned that booze and anti-depressants don't work too well together. Yes, it's true that I'm on meds, and have been on and off for a few years, and I guess this was my roundabout way of saying I'm choosing not to drink right now. Without going down the frightening path of "by the way, I'm an alcoholic," or "no thanks, not drinking right now" because I knew that'd prompt some questions.

She replied with an "oh no " and I joked that it was probably for the better, considering my genes, and I mentioned that I feel good these days...and don't mean to be a buzz kill.

She said she was sorry to hear it, and finally I joked about considering a fake pregnancy, but deciding to be honest instead. She laughed, with a "haha, yeah, that'd be awkward" but the thing is, it's still awkward. It's awkward no matter what.

I didn't think I'd might that much. After all, I'm okay being awkward, most of the time. But I broke down in my fiance's arms, sobbing about not wanting to be treated any differently, and whining about just how damn HARD this sobriety thing can be. I don't want my friends to tiptoe around me. I don't want them to stop inviting me out. I don't want to feel left out. Yet, I do.

Would I want to be back at the bars, pretending to handle alcohol like a normal person? No, it didn't make me feel good. I am trying to actively make new friends, but at my age, this means passing up a lot of happy hours. My one (count 'em - one) friend who doesn't drink is somewhat overbearingly religious. I like hanging out with her, but need many breaks. She can be overwhelming.

I'm rambling, so I will try to wrap this up. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it gets lonely sometimes, despite various message boards and knowing I have supportive people in my life. It gets lonely, despite having a wonderful, loving fiance who will do anything to help me feel comfortable, including not drinking around me, suggesting alternatives to do, and much more. It gets lonely, despite pouring out compassion and sympathy at AA meetings and thinking, "that could be me in a few years," when I start to think that maybe I'm not so bad off after all.

I want to open up to my closest friends, but this attempt didn't go so well. How can I trust that others will handle the news?

[Lavande]

Opening up to friends

Hi Baker,

Hello & welcome to MWO!

I am a lot older than you (my kids are older than you) but what I'm reading here seems like a case of self pity. Probably all of us have had similar thoughts & feelings regarding friends, family, social lives, etc. But does it really matter in the long run? Feeling a bit lonely or even bored now is a small price to pay for your health, sanity & future

Developing a sense of gratitude for what you are gaining overshadows anything you may feel you are missing in your life, honestly
Focus on your quit & what is best for you right now. You have to put your sobriety first, always. You are fortunate to have a fiance so devoted & helpful. Not all of us are that lucky.

Work on your plan, keep yourself as busy as possible paving the way for a better life.

Wishing you the best on your journey!
Lav

[LillyE]

Opening up to friends

Hi Baker,

Firstly, good for you for starting to find ways to let your friends know you are not drinking! Of course it's going to be awkward at first but it's an important step and it WILL get easier.

I may have misread this - it's hard to know without seeing the whole exchange and knowing the people involved - but it doesn't sound like your friend reacted so badly? Sounds like she was perhaps more responding to the info you are on antidepressants, which obviously implies someone has been having a hard time emotionally, and she expressed sympathy - not so much that she gave you a hard time for not drinking? That reaction is natural and empathetic. It doesn't mean she was judging you or looking down on you.

It sounds to me like the real problem is that you are still grieving the loss of alcohol and the realization you're not a normal drinker with all the life adjustments that must come with this. I get it. I've been there. I'm still there some days. I had a night out recently where everyone else was boozing hard and, while the truth is that the drunker they got the more obnoxious they got, and it wasn't pretty, I still felt left out. These feelings are normal but they will pass.

In my opinion, the antidote lies in two things. Firstly, as Lav said, growing your sense of gratitude for what you do have. Secondly, continuing to build and strengthen your knowledge that alcohol for you means BAD TERRIBLE DESTRUCTIVE things - not good, not fun, not relaxation, not being one of the crowd. The more you believe this the less you will feel sorry for yourself for being "different" and the more you will be happy and proud to have fought your way out. The tough times ARE worth it.

You sound like you are totally doing the right things in terms of opening up to friends, going to AA meetings etc. How long have you been sober? You hear it here time and again that the early days can be an emotional roller coaster. This too shall pass. Be proud of yourself for how far you've come already.

I am 12 years older than you and I cannot tell you how much I wish I'd had the good sense to realize I had a problem when I was your age. I was just reflecting today at how different my life might have been so far if I had. I look back and it's soooo clear that it should have been clear to me even then but I was in complete denial. I admire you for realizing and confronting your problem NOW. Please keep going. You will be so, so very glad you did in the long run and these early discomforts are insubstantial compared to the certain misery you could face if you chose instead to let your alcoholism progress.

Wishing you strength and hope,

Lilly x

[itsmytime]

Opening up to friends

I am a lot older than you but going through the same thing. I wish as Lilly said I had quit at your age, don't let this get in your way. Real friends don't care if you are drinking or not. I too fear that friendships may change, but what we really have to do - I think - is be who we are sober and not preach or get into too much detail as to why we are quitting, others may feel it's us judging those that are drinking. Once people know you have only changed for the better and don't judge their decisions, it will get easier.

We can't let others determine our success.

[LibraryGirl]

Opening up to friends

Hi BE. Kudos to you for doing the hard thing and telling your friend up front that you could not drink. That took guts. You could have said, ok, then "dealt" with it after she came over loaded with AL. So, at least you got that out of the way, and awkward or not, getting drunk would have been way more awkward and a lot sadder. Have you considered that maybe she needs the AL to be comfortable? If you two have not been in contact recently, maybe she felt like it would be easier to break the ice with drinks involved. Not only alcoholics use AL as a buffer/relaxer. Maybe you both can learn some tricks about socializing comfortably AF. God knows, I could use some pointers sometimes.

It's ok to be a little upset about it. The good thing is, you still did the right thing. Like Lav said, you're lucky you have a supportive fiance. Dry your tears and be proud for still going in the right direction for YOU.:l

LG

[Byrdlady]

Opening up to friends

I agree with everything said here...especially the gratitude part. The war in your own head is the fiercest. Here's where I may veer off from the group....
It's nobody else's business why you are not drinking. I have not told one single soul about why I stopped, most haven't asked but when they have, I've said that it is like battery acid to my insides...I have ulcerative colitis (for real)....my close friends know this and put 2 and 2 together. It takes some time to get comfortable enough with your quit to go to a bar, it took me quite a while. But you can get there...however, I would NOT recommend this as routine. Protect your quit at ALL costs.
I have found thru this site as well as some friends who were ALK, that telling people you are makes them VERY uncomfortable....when they even mention it you can see them cringe, like ooops, I didn't mean to say that. Nobody has to know, except you and your Love. Hells Bells, I have friends that give us bottles of wine still!! I thank them still the same. I know they wouldn't do that if they thought for one minute I was an ALK!!!
Time helps a lot of things...stay the course!! You can do it! B

[BakerExtraordinaire]

Opening up to friends

Thanks, guys.
You're totally right. I overreacted because I am still pitying myself (30+ days sober at this point), and I need to CELEBRATE my sobriety instead. My friend and I have hung out before this time (for the past few years), just not as often recently (past few months). We're actually going to yoga together tomorrow, so I think she is taking things rather well after all.

You guys might think I'm lucky to get my sh!t together while "young," but I feel like I should have stopped drinking during college. Things were pretty bad. I even had my mother suggest rehab. And my fiance almost left, countless times. Right now, my life is going fantastically well, comparatively. I know it's better with alcohol out of the picture. And yet, it still takes some getting used to, this whole "admitting I'm different" task and embracing it.

Lily, I'm glad you get it. And I realize my thoughts are pretty juvenile-- why would I want to be the obnoxious drunk, part of the crowd? Irrational or not, I am trying to get my feelings out there and deal with them, rather than bottle them up (or turn to the bottle...hah). It helps to know these feelings will pass. And sometimes they might resurface, and that's okay too.

[SAUSAGE]

Opening up to friends

I'm 41 and my drinking took off when I was slightly older than you. Can't really add much to the excellent advice you've already had except 3 suggestions;

Read lots of stories on here about people a bit older than you who wish they'd quit years ago - I mean, if you continue drinking, your levels will creep up and it will only get worse wont it !?! How many people find their drinking levels slowly, naturally go down LOL ?!

Have you watched the documentaries on You Tube about alcoholism "rain in my heart" - there is a link - top thread in General Discussion section?

Work out how much money you currently spend a week on alcohol, then multiply it by 52, then by 10, 20, 30 etc to find out what you would be spending over the next 3 decades etc.

Leaving aside all the negative health and well being aspects of drinking, what could you do with this money instead?

You are just starting out in life - don't ruin it by drinking.

[Supercrew]

Opening up to friends

When I started relaying to people that me not drinking was a positive thing it really changed my whole demeanor about the situation as well as most people attitudes towards me.

When I tell people about me not drinking I don't say "I can't", I let them know that I am a healthy fun loving person who prefers not to be weighed down by the alcohol crutch. I don't demean anyone for drinking, but I just let them know that it isn't what me and my life are about anymore. I will still let them drink their beers and bloody marys, and I will sip my tea or diet coke. I have come to find out if you don't act like you are missing out most people don't feel uncomfortable being around you when they drink. It is alot easier when you know in your heart that alcohol isn't your answer anymore.

[BakerExtraordinaire]

Opening up to friends

Supercrew, wonderful advice. I just need to start practicing it, and believing it.

Sausage, thanks as well . I'll be sure to check out that documentary soon.

[LillyE]

Opening up to friends

BakerExtraordinaire;1354934 wrote: You guys might think I'm lucky to get my sh!t together while "young," but I feel like I should have stopped drinking during college. Things were pretty bad. I even had my mother suggest rehab. And my fiance almost left, countless times. Right now, my life is going fantastically well, comparatively. I know it's better with alcohol out of the picture. And yet, it still takes some getting used to, this whole "admitting I'm different" task and embracing it.

Lily, I'm glad you get it. And I realize my thoughts are pretty juvenile-- why would I want to be the obnoxious drunk, part of the crowd? Irrational or not, I am trying to get my feelings out there and deal with them, rather than bottle them up (or turn to the bottle...hah). It helps to know these feelings will pass. And sometimes they might resurface, and that's okay too.

Hey, I don't think your feelings are juvenile - I still have those exact feelings myself some days! It's just a part of the process for us all, whatever age. And I do think it is harder when you're younger as more of your social life revolves around booze. Frankly, that is still the case for me even now in a lot of ways - but not to the degree it would have been at 25. Plus, people have a bit more maturity so most of my friends - most, not all - have responded really supportively to my not drinking. I doubt they would have been as cool about it at that age because everyone was so all about the party.

It's all about retraining our brains that this is a GOOD thing, not a deprivation. For me, the key has been education - reading a lot here and elsewhere. The more you learn about alcoholism the more you will feel happy and grateful to be getting free of it.

I also can understand feeling like you should have quit even sooner. As much as I feel that way I'm sure there are people on these boards in their 40s, 50s, 60s who would say to me, "God, I wish i'd got sober at 37!" Actually, wait, some have! But trust me, you ARE young and it is FANTASTIC you are getting sober now. Please keep posting.

L x

[starfairy]

Opening up to friends

i think these situations are hard too and you can' help but feel overly sensitive. i have one friend that i love but she really only knows me as a party-er and that is what we had in common. she knows about my dui and soberity but i dont think she gets me anymore. not sure if she ever even knew the real me anyway. when we hang out it is really strained and uncomfortable. i really love her and hope we can build a new foundation but without the booze we seem to walk on eggshells with each other. i feel like she (and most others) have no idea what i am really going through and am sure they would get sick of hearing about it so i just keep it all to myself most of the time. i feel like as long as i still feel my strenghth in my soul i can conquer it without dragging them all in. i just let them know i feel good about my choices and try to reflect that attitude in my daily life...

[BakerExtraordinaire]

Opening up to friends

Great attitude, starfairy! "I just let them know I feel good about my choices...." I find that so inspiring. You will find who your true friends are. It's such a clichee, I know, but I think it's true.

[Raven2012]

Opening up to friends

I think the simplest way to explain is to not really explain at all. Just fly under the radar. When drinks are poured, take a sip the lose your glass in the oth er room. An hour later as your sipping some sparkling water with lime, accept another drink, have a sip, set it done and repeat unroll you've been served 3 drinks or so then help clean up the glass and discreetly pour them out. If anyone notices, -didn't you like the wine?' you could just say, oh yes, it was lovely, I'm a little the weather tonight and didn't want to tire out at such a lovely event! Thank you so much for having me.

[Prairie Fairy]

Opening up to friends

I can't add to all the things everyone has already said because I wholeheartedly agree.

I'll tell you what I did tell people last quit - I won't be using this time around...."It's a 30 day detox....I'm cleaning out my system...." See - I thought I could mod...so that seemed reasonable.

I'd do my 30 days - learn how to get my act together - be the rare supernova who can mod like a champ - and then TADA! All better...

But - I started to get terrified as I approached 30 days that maybe I can't mod. Maybe I shouldn't pick one up again. So I went over the 30 days. And everyone was - your Detox is over...have a glass of wine...nah - I feel really good - I'm not ready to stop the detox yet....

And then brunch came with all these people from work who are big partiers for a social weekend at "la Chi Chi Foo Foo" - famous all over for their Bloody Mary's - which everyone knows I adore - and that was it. It was order it - or come clean to everyone at the table...and I order the Bloody Mary.

And the battle was O-V-E-R. The devil had me and I was glad to be there.

So - not 30 day detox. But I have to have a cover because I've been the life - or the story - of the party for years. And with the Antabuse coming...there will be no cheating...so I'm thinking "I'm on a medication that interacts badly with AL - so thank you but I'm going to have to pass." That is completely true. It hasn't stopped me before...But I will on a new one that will react very very badly to AL and that's the AB.

And that won't expire in 30 days...