I am ashamed to say I failed once again at being sober. I made it 27 days and before that only 21 days. I wanted to show myself I could moderate and at first I did, but now my pattern seems to be starting over again. Tuesday night I sat at my house and started drinking my wine and watching my favorite TV show. Next think I new it was time to get up for work. I went to work and picked up my step daughter and we did some grocery shopping and came home. When we got home my husband was in the back yard and I saw a baby pool...I asked him where it came from and he just starred at me and said "ya, I think we need to talk". My heart sank, I thought something terrible happened or my son was in trouble. I couldn't get the grocery's out of the car fast enough and went straight to the back yard and asked what was up. He asked me to sit and said...don't you remember the pool??? I said no, I didn't. Apparently he brought it home late last night and even sacred me with it through the window...he said we made love and then walked away for a minute and told me we needed to go to bed. I guess I didn't know where I was. I thought I only drank 4 glasses of wine but apparently I got into the tequila too and had some strawberry margaritas cuz I was out of wine.
He told me he was very scared for me and just couldn't believe that I didn't remember anything he was telling me. Which I didn't remember at all...so all night of course I felt bad and didn't drink and went to bed early. The next day of course I felt better and caved and bought another bottle of wine. I couldn't wait for him to leave and I cracked it open and opened the curtains so I could watch to see if he returned. I drank the whole bottle and then opened another small 5oz. and drank that too. Although, I do remember last night I still feel like crap. why is this consuming me and my life. when I was sober the first week I was a complete wreck...anxiety, rage, angry...made me think why is it so worth quitting when I feel better drinking? I don't want to drink anymore. I want to be free from the guilt, shame and worry.
Why can't I just be a normal drinker? Drink when I want, how much I wan't and STOP when I want. It just tastes so good going down. but the effects are horrible...I want to stop for good. I do good for a while and then I think I can handle it and I CANT. Then I get so pissed cuz I feel like my life is over...can't do anything fun without it.
Today sucks!
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