It's me...again

[Honeysoup]

Good Morning everyone,

I am ashamed to say I failed once again at being sober. I made it 27 days and before that only 21 days. I wanted to show myself I could moderate and at first I did, but now my pattern seems to be starting over again. Tuesday night I sat at my house and started drinking my wine and watching my favorite TV show. Next think I new it was time to get up for work. I went to work and picked up my step daughter and we did some grocery shopping and came home. When we got home my husband was in the back yard and I saw a baby pool...I asked him where it came from and he just starred at me and said "ya, I think we need to talk". My heart sank, I thought something terrible happened or my son was in trouble. I couldn't get the grocery's out of the car fast enough and went straight to the back yard and asked what was up. He asked me to sit and said...don't you remember the pool??? I said no, I didn't. Apparently he brought it home late last night and even sacred me with it through the window...he said we made love and then walked away for a minute and told me we needed to go to bed. I guess I didn't know where I was. I thought I only drank 4 glasses of wine but apparently I got into the tequila too and had some strawberry margaritas cuz I was out of wine.

He told me he was very scared for me and just couldn't believe that I didn't remember anything he was telling me. Which I didn't remember at all...so all night of course I felt bad and didn't drink and went to bed early. The next day of course I felt better and caved and bought another bottle of wine. I couldn't wait for him to leave and I cracked it open and opened the curtains so I could watch to see if he returned. I drank the whole bottle and then opened another small 5oz. and drank that too. Although, I do remember last night I still feel like crap. why is this consuming me and my life. when I was sober the first week I was a complete wreck...anxiety, rage, angry...made me think why is it so worth quitting when I feel better drinking? I don't want to drink anymore. I want to be free from the guilt, shame and worry.

Why can't I just be a normal drinker? Drink when I want, how much I wan't and STOP when I want. It just tastes so good going down. but the effects are horrible...I want to stop for good. I do good for a while and then I think I can handle it and I CANT. Then I get so pissed cuz I feel like my life is over...can't do anything fun without it.

Today sucks!

[Struggles 106]

It's me...again

Hey Honeysoup

Blackouts, to me, are the worst thing about alcohol addiction. Even more so when I realized what is happening in the brain and body when this happens. Without being too technical-it is a result of the ability of the brain to create and maintain short term memory.
This cannot happen after a certain point due to the fact the the body's resources are being used elsewhere-as in keeping you alive, respiration, etc. Makes it a bit more frightening.

Moderation will not work. It's that simple. Some may disagree, but I believe that a black-out drinker cannot moderate.

I'm guessing that you are relatively young, and it would be great if you could get a grip now before you waste any more time. I was drunk basically for 40 years, and believe me you don't want to do that!

This is a great place for support. It will not be easy but definitely worth it.

I wish you well

[FlyAway]

It's me...again

In my opinion as long as you keep trying to find ways to fit alcohol into your life, you'll continue to be unhappy. That's what moderation is all about: how can I take this drug and still live a normal life? Would you expect a heroin addict to be able to moderate his use of heroin? Once you can accept never ever drinking again, things get easy.

Is the moment of that "taste" worth all of the pain that goes with it? Is it worth it in the morning when you wake up feeling foggy? Is it worth the concern your husband is experiencing now? Can you imagine how he feels knowing that you don't remember making love to him? You say that you can't do anything fun without it. What part of not remembering anything is fun? Is it fun hiding in the house, trying to guzzle down a bottle before your husband returns?

I think a lot of the fun that you think you're having is tied into the lies we've been told all our lives about alcohol. Alcohol is fun/cool. Drinking is what adults do. Honestly what you're describing, the hiding and blacking out, isn't fun at all.

[K9Lover]

It's me...again

Hi Honey,

I'm so sorry you're feeling like crap today. Blackouts are what made me finally stop drinking. I was blacking out every single night. Even when I didn't have "that" much to drink, I couldn't remember what I'd said or done, or to who. The anxiety it caused became too much! I know you've gotten some sober time under your belt before, so I know you can do it again. Instead of wishing you could drink "normal", why don't you just focus on getting alcohol out of your life for a while? You'll start to feel better, and your mind will clear. Moderation has been a touchy subject around here lately, but I totally agree with Ann, a blackout drinker cannot moderate. Please take it easy today and let us know how you're doing.

:l K9

[Honeysoup]

It's me...again

Thank you for the advise and support...I feel aweful today. I'm at work and all I want to do I go home and cry my eyes out and feel sorry for myself. BUT, that's pathetic! I wish I could skip today and go straight to tomorrow when I wake up and feel better and can think more clearly.

[Mumof4]

It's me...again

Hi Honey,
I woke up yesterday feeling just like you, knowing i'd drank so much the night before and had screamed at my neighbour ( it was actually his fault, but i'd never behave like that normally). I was still pretty drunk right through the day, and the guilt just consumes every single part of you. I came here and decided it has to change. I blackout like k9 says on not very much at all now...its really strange how thats started to happen. Like you yesterday i just couldn't wait for my husband to get home from work as i was so upset at myself. I had planned to meet up with a group of friends and all our children and i just couldn't handle seeing them. Just stick with this site and people in it who are all in support of ech other, im sure it will make things slightly easier!! Please don't get too upset, get a good nights sleep tonight and like myself today you are bound to feel a bit more positive about things esp after reading so much on here x

[Struggles 106]

It's me...again

Hey Honeysoup

I am right there with you on the crying at work! After the episode that FINALLY made me get serious last October I did make it to work the next day. I was a wreck though and sat at my desk and cried. Of course people thought I was nuts, which I was.

It can get SO much better. It is so freeing to have the wieght/burden off your shoulders of WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?, as well as the horrid physical ramifications.

Take it one day at a time. Keep trying.

[Mick]

It's me...again

Honey soup..sounds really hard..but you have got to accept the fact that al cannot play a part at all in your life.I am only on day 24 with no al..played about previously saying that I could cut down and all that bumf.. ended up going back to drinking every day with a y in it! Go for it..you will get through it

[OnceAgain]

It's me...again

Hi Honey Soup - You sound a lot like me. I have recently started blacking out and not remembering things. It is very scary. I am on day one and trying to be strong. I find myself "awfulizing" not drinking, wishing I could drink normally, and being sad that I can't. We need to focus on all the good things about NOT drinking. It becomes hard when so much of the media and our social situation revolves around making drinking a fun, romantic, thing - we are just hit over the head with it everywhere we turn. But I know that I must do it. If I don't I will lose all that is important to me. Good luck and stay strong!

[Honeysoup]

It's me...again

Here's the other thing. After I made it past my 27 days or whatever. I had all kinds of signs telling me not to drink..like running into an AA member at KMart with a bottle of wine in my cart. I practically ran the other direction hoping she didn't see me. I even put the bottle down some where random and went to check out. Then I saw her again checking out and she didn't see me so I quickly turned and did another look around the store. So I picked up anther bottle of wine and went to the check out and I got a Text from another AA member asking me how I was. Of course I ignored her. Then another one from a different. My face was beat red and feeling a rush through my body but still I bought it anyway.
I truly believe God or my Guardian Angel was trying to derail me...but I didn't listen...and now I'm back at drinking almost every night for the past 2 weeks.

I know I have to quit for the rest of my life or it will take over.

[Struggles 106]

It's me...again

Hey Honeysoup

You are right about that. It will take over; it will get worse-never better unless it stops.
I wish I didn't have YEARS of struggle to back up my words but I do.

I used to be so happy when I would go out and have a few and go home unharmed. But of course eventually there was hell to pay, like fairly serious injuries with no idea how they happened.
Also I picked up one of my guitars ( the best one) and it was cracked in the body of it-very expensive. I could not believe it! No idea what the hell happened. That was a few years ago.

Just stupid bullshit over and over. SO not worth it. I got serious after an episode in a local bar last fall. It seems we all get to a point where we just just can't do it anymore.

Look in the mirror and KNOW that you are worthit-a good sober happy life is possible!