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    So glad to have found you all.......!

    ........so much of what is here resonates so strongly with me and to find a common bond in the dreadful adversity of 'when drink goes wrong!' is such a comfort when the overwhelming fear that 'I' must be only one takes hold.

    I hope you will allow me to tell a bit about my journey ( 'There and Back Again' would be good title for it at the moment-but I think Tolkien has already used that one?)

    I know now so much of my problem is shared by so many.......so I hope you will allow me to tell you how it was and is......and to people who I know can understand and empathise. I'll try to keep it in a nutshell.

    I spent pretty much my whole life (I'm 54 now) living with an often debilitating anxiety problem and the accompanying depression that so often goes with it. Good doctors, friends, and now my everloving wife (I didn't marry 'til I was in my 40's) have meant that apart from the odd cataclysmic breakdown or sundry panic episodes I had managed to keep on top of things ( The meds helped too!)

    That is....

    UNTIL I started binge drinking...and up it crept; the loop had started.
    The thing I still don't understand is how I let it happen when my sober, rational side somehow knew the danger of what was starting?

    I had always enjoyed 'going out' for a drink with friends, or propping up the bar and enjoying company. On occasion I would have 'too much' but rarely took the stuff home or drank alone.
    Things seemed to change.
    English pubs started closing down...became non-smoking......family and food orientated and their appeal waned for me. At the same time I disastrously discovered I could buy 2 bottles of wine for less than my customary couple of pints.....and what started out as a glass or 2 after work to unwind became 2 solitary bottles in quick succession and a real craving........I began to just live for that hour it would take me to get through them. The immediate relief was bliss but shortlived.....every evening became a predictable descent into my own personal hell.
    I'm sure you know how it goes?

    Irrational arguing, paranoia, the stumbling and lurching, garbled 'phone calls to increasingly alarmed friends and family......crazed cringe-making emails.....and worst of all, the agony I was putting my wife through......who continued to love me unconditionally throughout...but I was too far gone to recognise it at the time. And my word ...did I feel ILL!....all the time!!!!!

    Following the binge would, of course come illness, regret, shame and guilt....all of which ramped my anxiety and depressive episodes to suicidal levels. But I KEPT uncorking that bottle.....why??........it was like a death wish.

    Eventually...in a moment of utter shame and desperation I told my doctor. I was referred to a counsellor who although wasn't a specialist in drink problems per se, addressed some of my anxiety issues...and with her support and the love of my wife....I JUST STOPPED DRINKING!
    I can't remember how it happened....perhaps something from the help I was lucky to be getting struck the right chord...maybe something just 'clicked' and I stopped! I wish I knew.......
    I didn't drink for over a year.....the craving passed remarkably quickly........but I was from then onwards mortally fearful of backsliding.

    Problem was......I DID miss that social aspect drinking in company.....so after a while I would have the odd pint or two out.......but made a decision never to start bringing it home again.

    Big mistake.

    There is a school of thought that a recovering alcoholic is ALWAYS just that?

    I sense the force again and have succumbed to secretly squirriling the occasional bottle of beer home...or staying far too long and drinking far too much in any hostelry I get the chance to pass!!

    I am far from making myself as ill as I used to...but I am now mortified by more shame and guilt than ever............and it's taking its toll. My anxiety level is rising...we are trying to cope with the grief of dying parents (I feel am NOT being the strong rock of support that my wife needs and deserves right now) and I am increasingly eyeing the wine counter as I buy the shopping....I know how this could end.... I am already sending the odd emails...squirming with agony and paranoia as I desperately TRY to remember whether I have said ill-considered or hurtful things to people while under the influence......I also know that I gave up once.......but guilt and shame seem to be about to close that loop on me again and I don't know where I would get the strength from to bounce back for a second time.

    Does any of this sound familiar to you good people?

    I cannot begin to tell you how much your wisdom would be appreciated.......I don't think I could go through all this again and it seems SO very self-indulgent and shameful to falter like this and undo all the good work, love and support I was shown back along.

    I don't really know which direction to go from here...but am aware that I still have choices.....but not always good at making them.

    Thanks for reading...and I'm sorry to have wittered on so much!

    Take Best Care all

    Ron

    #2
    So glad to have found you all.......!

    Hi Ron, and welcome! :welcome:

    Yes, your stories sure sound like most of ours, mine included. I was 500 days sober in my early 50s, and went with my wife to open our summer cabin in N. Minnesota. There was a tree that had fallen on our lakeside sauna, and I stupidly decided to take it down myself, with my wife's help. After starting a left-handed chainsaw (!) about a hundred times, I pulled my right groin muscle and could barely walk. No pain killers helped, so I decided to buy some booze. Dumb idea! You would think after 500 days of feeling great would teach me... NOT! I went down hill from there. That first drink did it.

    I was recently hospitalized with acute pancreatitis (from drinking) and WAS killing myself. I had to stop, and I knew it or I'd be dead. At least I felt I was dying.

    So now I've been sober for over 5 weeks and feel like my old self again. I promise myself that I'll never drink again if I want to live (and I do). 5 weeks ago I thought that I wouldn't live to see the 2012 Olympics, and here I am!

    Best of luck, M

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      #3
      So glad to have found you all.......!

      Welcome...lots of support here.

      Comment


        #4
        So glad to have found you all.......!

        Welcome Ron,
        I too am quitting again after a long period of sobriety. I had 5 years and don't know what prompted me to try to moderate, but I did and succeeded for about a year then the old drinking if not worse started and I have been trying to quit for 4 years. Sobriety is the way for me, I want that peaceful feeling back again. We deserve it!!

        Keep coming back, this site really does help.
        new beginnings July 16, 2012

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          #5
          So glad to have found you all.......!

          Hi all - and MANY thanks for the welcome!......................Yup-I have a feeling that hitting the bottle the 2nd time around is even harder.........and I will consciously read up about how moderation can work for some people..........lots of experiences and wisdom here. But - I think I'm probably an 'all-or-nothing' person and will simply have to try to abstain................?
          Dad has just been taken in to hospital in the terminal stages of Leukaemia, having already suffered a stroke and heart attack so now I MUST stay on an even keel if I'm to be any sort of support .......

          Best to all

          r

          Comment


            #6
            So glad to have found you all.......!

            Hi and welcome Ron trousers, keep on posting and reading as much as you can, hope to see you around the forum ;-)


            :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

            Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
            I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

            This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

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              #7
              So glad to have found you all.......!

              Hey Ron, I'd like to invite you over to the Newbie's Nest...we have folks in every stage of recovery: first timers as well as those with years and years of sobriety and like you need to start again. It's a very active thread and there is always someone around to pull you out of the ditch. I'm so glad you found us...I owe my sobriety to this site. Welcome! Byrdie
              All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
              Tool Box
              Newbie's Nest

              Comment


                #8
                So glad to have found you all.......!

                Hi Ron & :welcome:

                I just wanted to say that before I got serious I spent many many hours reading on MWO and have seen many many stories similar to your own.

                I am almost 2 months AF now and while I know you are struggling I am grateful for your post because I need to be reminded that if I decide to start drinking again, moderate if you will, I will most likely be penning the exact same post down the road.

                So thanks and stay close,

                Hugs,
                :l
                On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                Comment


                  #9
                  So glad to have found you all.......!

                  Hi Ron and :welcome: (love your username BTW what kind of trousers are they LOL)

                  Your story sounds all too familiar to me too, I am currently on day 3, having reduced down from 2 bottles of wine a night over two weeks to zero. I have had two sober periods in the last 20 years - two pregnancies and I have tried to quit on numerous occasions to no avail. This time I am determined as I feel my health was teetering on the brink!

                  This site and the support of everyone on it is amazing, I am sure you will feel at home her and get all the help you need to succeed
                  Taking it ODAT

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