........so much of what is here resonates so strongly with me and to find a common bond in the dreadful adversity of 'when drink goes wrong!' is such a comfort when the overwhelming fear that 'I' must be only one takes hold.
I hope you will allow me to tell a bit about my journey ( 'There and Back Again' would be good title for it at the moment-but I think Tolkien has already used that one?)
I know now so much of my problem is shared by so many.......so I hope you will allow me to tell you how it was and is......and to people who I know can understand and empathise. I'll try to keep it in a nutshell.
I spent pretty much my whole life (I'm 54 now) living with an often debilitating anxiety problem and the accompanying depression that so often goes with it. Good doctors, friends, and now my everloving wife (I didn't marry 'til I was in my 40's) have meant that apart from the odd cataclysmic breakdown or sundry panic episodes I had managed to keep on top of things ( The meds helped too!)
That is....
UNTIL I started binge drinking...and up it crept; the loop had started.
The thing I still don't understand is how I let it happen when my sober, rational side somehow knew the danger of what was starting?
I had always enjoyed 'going out' for a drink with friends, or propping up the bar and enjoying company. On occasion I would have 'too much' but rarely took the stuff home or drank alone.
Things seemed to change.
English pubs started closing down...became non-smoking......family and food orientated and their appeal waned for me. At the same time I disastrously discovered I could buy 2 bottles of wine for less than my customary couple of pints.....and what started out as a glass or 2 after work to unwind became 2 solitary bottles in quick succession and a real craving........I began to just live for that hour it would take me to get through them. The immediate relief was bliss but shortlived.....every evening became a predictable descent into my own personal hell.
I'm sure you know how it goes?
Irrational arguing, paranoia, the stumbling and lurching, garbled 'phone calls to increasingly alarmed friends and family......crazed cringe-making emails.....and worst of all, the agony I was putting my wife through......who continued to love me unconditionally throughout...but I was too far gone to recognise it at the time. And my word ...did I feel ILL!....all the time!!!!!
Following the binge would, of course come illness, regret, shame and guilt....all of which ramped my anxiety and depressive episodes to suicidal levels. But I KEPT uncorking that bottle.....why??........it was like a death wish.
Eventually...in a moment of utter shame and desperation I told my doctor. I was referred to a counsellor who although wasn't a specialist in drink problems per se, addressed some of my anxiety issues...and with her support and the love of my wife....I JUST STOPPED DRINKING!
I can't remember how it happened....perhaps something from the help I was lucky to be getting struck the right chord...maybe something just 'clicked' and I stopped! I wish I knew.......
I didn't drink for over a year.....the craving passed remarkably quickly........but I was from then onwards mortally fearful of backsliding.
Problem was......I DID miss that social aspect drinking in company.....so after a while I would have the odd pint or two out.......but made a decision never to start bringing it home again.
Big mistake.
There is a school of thought that a recovering alcoholic is ALWAYS just that?
I sense the force again and have succumbed to secretly squirriling the occasional bottle of beer home...or staying far too long and drinking far too much in any hostelry I get the chance to pass!!
I am far from making myself as ill as I used to...but I am now mortified by more shame and guilt than ever............and it's taking its toll. My anxiety level is rising...we are trying to cope with the grief of dying parents (I feel am NOT being the strong rock of support that my wife needs and deserves right now) and I am increasingly eyeing the wine counter as I buy the shopping....I know how this could end.... I am already sending the odd emails...squirming with agony and paranoia as I desperately TRY to remember whether I have said ill-considered or hurtful things to people while under the influence......I also know that I gave up once.......but guilt and shame seem to be about to close that loop on me again and I don't know where I would get the strength from to bounce back for a second time.
Does any of this sound familiar to you good people?
I cannot begin to tell you how much your wisdom would be appreciated.......I don't think I could go through all this again and it seems SO very self-indulgent and shameful to falter like this and undo all the good work, love and support I was shown back along.
I don't really know which direction to go from here...but am aware that I still have choices.....but not always good at making them.
Thanks for reading...and I'm sorry to have wittered on so much!
Take Best Care all
Ron
I hope you will allow me to tell a bit about my journey ( 'There and Back Again' would be good title for it at the moment-but I think Tolkien has already used that one?)
I know now so much of my problem is shared by so many.......so I hope you will allow me to tell you how it was and is......and to people who I know can understand and empathise. I'll try to keep it in a nutshell.
I spent pretty much my whole life (I'm 54 now) living with an often debilitating anxiety problem and the accompanying depression that so often goes with it. Good doctors, friends, and now my everloving wife (I didn't marry 'til I was in my 40's) have meant that apart from the odd cataclysmic breakdown or sundry panic episodes I had managed to keep on top of things ( The meds helped too!)
That is....
UNTIL I started binge drinking...and up it crept; the loop had started.
The thing I still don't understand is how I let it happen when my sober, rational side somehow knew the danger of what was starting?
I had always enjoyed 'going out' for a drink with friends, or propping up the bar and enjoying company. On occasion I would have 'too much' but rarely took the stuff home or drank alone.
Things seemed to change.
English pubs started closing down...became non-smoking......family and food orientated and their appeal waned for me. At the same time I disastrously discovered I could buy 2 bottles of wine for less than my customary couple of pints.....and what started out as a glass or 2 after work to unwind became 2 solitary bottles in quick succession and a real craving........I began to just live for that hour it would take me to get through them. The immediate relief was bliss but shortlived.....every evening became a predictable descent into my own personal hell.
I'm sure you know how it goes?
Irrational arguing, paranoia, the stumbling and lurching, garbled 'phone calls to increasingly alarmed friends and family......crazed cringe-making emails.....and worst of all, the agony I was putting my wife through......who continued to love me unconditionally throughout...but I was too far gone to recognise it at the time. And my word ...did I feel ILL!....all the time!!!!!
Following the binge would, of course come illness, regret, shame and guilt....all of which ramped my anxiety and depressive episodes to suicidal levels. But I KEPT uncorking that bottle.....why??........it was like a death wish.
Eventually...in a moment of utter shame and desperation I told my doctor. I was referred to a counsellor who although wasn't a specialist in drink problems per se, addressed some of my anxiety issues...and with her support and the love of my wife....I JUST STOPPED DRINKING!
I can't remember how it happened....perhaps something from the help I was lucky to be getting struck the right chord...maybe something just 'clicked' and I stopped! I wish I knew.......
I didn't drink for over a year.....the craving passed remarkably quickly........but I was from then onwards mortally fearful of backsliding.
Problem was......I DID miss that social aspect drinking in company.....so after a while I would have the odd pint or two out.......but made a decision never to start bringing it home again.
Big mistake.
There is a school of thought that a recovering alcoholic is ALWAYS just that?
I sense the force again and have succumbed to secretly squirriling the occasional bottle of beer home...or staying far too long and drinking far too much in any hostelry I get the chance to pass!!
I am far from making myself as ill as I used to...but I am now mortified by more shame and guilt than ever............and it's taking its toll. My anxiety level is rising...we are trying to cope with the grief of dying parents (I feel am NOT being the strong rock of support that my wife needs and deserves right now) and I am increasingly eyeing the wine counter as I buy the shopping....I know how this could end.... I am already sending the odd emails...squirming with agony and paranoia as I desperately TRY to remember whether I have said ill-considered or hurtful things to people while under the influence......I also know that I gave up once.......but guilt and shame seem to be about to close that loop on me again and I don't know where I would get the strength from to bounce back for a second time.
Does any of this sound familiar to you good people?
I cannot begin to tell you how much your wisdom would be appreciated.......I don't think I could go through all this again and it seems SO very self-indulgent and shameful to falter like this and undo all the good work, love and support I was shown back along.
I don't really know which direction to go from here...but am aware that I still have choices.....but not always good at making them.
Thanks for reading...and I'm sorry to have wittered on so much!
Take Best Care all
Ron
Comment