I have been a binge drinker since college.,started out weekends only. Stopped when I was pregnant, but aside from that, my addiction has grown so that for the last year I have been drinking one to two bottles of Chardonnay every night or every other night. I have the characteristic shame and guilt and self loathing we all share.
I drink alone and try to drink in secret. My routine is that I get by booze (yes, rotate stores) haul it up to my bathroom where I can lock the door. And spend as much time as I can in there to get my drink on. I come out when kids knock and need something. I get them what they want and go right back t feed the addiction. I feel good for about a couple hours, then I get shitty. Sometimes I remember going to bed, sometimes not. Sometimes I run out ands rive drunk for another bottle. I usually wait till the kids are in bed when I do this. Sometimes my husband is out if town. Can you imagine me getting into an accident? Getting pullled over and dragged to jail and my kids waking up not knowing where mom is? This hasn't happened....thank god....but I've imagined it too many times, it makes me sad, frightened, and disgusted.
Anyway, back to the routine...then, I wake up feeling like hell. I spend the day irritated, anxious and defeated.
I schedule my major meetings around my anticipated hangovers. I fight with my poor husband about the drinking all the time. He doesnt kniw how to make me stop (how coukd he? Dnt have a cliue). We fight and he makes me feel more broken and deificient - i try ti hang on to some degree of self esteem but it is hard bc it is hard bc it gphas ebbed away. A few months ago he found me passed up in The middle of the day (kids at grandmas so I thought I'd go n a bender). Since then I tried to cut back but heart wasnt really in it so it didn't take. I kept feeling that quitting just isn't in the cards for me. I knew I couldn't do it so thought I shouldnt much try.
Well. I am not sure what has happened. I haven't been arrested, I haven't hit any NEW low as far as I can tell. I am just sick of my "routine" and I'm not going to,take it any more. I am 6 days sober today and feel good. Anxiety is piqued a bit but I know it is the beast trying to get a piece of me again. The anxiety will wane. I do feel energized and hopeful though. I am waking with more energy and am looking forward to the day. I have already had several tests and triggers. In each case, I force myself to reflect in my tired -- oh so tired-- routine. It makes me angry thinking about it. I am getting mad at booze. Really really angry and I think that is appropriate. It has been a phony friend and deceitful "companion" to me all these years. It has tricked me and cheated me. I do not feel anymore that I am "missing out". I have no desire to mod. I just don't want to be on speaking terms with the damn stuff any longer. If anyone ever treated me the way booze does, I would has gotten a restraining order ages ago.
I am just so sick of my routine. So sick of booze. Have I hit the switch? Is this what it feels like? I haven't gone 6 days no booze in years. Am I delusional? Will it I studiously creep back I to my life? I feel strong right now that I will not provide it that opportunity. If the craving comes a knocking, I will slam the door In It's face.
Hopeful the anger lingers...it is working for me.
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