Sick of my routine-going to change it

[Lola01]

Hello all. I thought I would start my own thread about this. I don't think I have anything to say that is novel or particularly compelling but I feel the need to hear my testimony as I see MWO as an important tool in my own recovery. Here is my story. I am a 42 year old professional. I am a successful researcher who loves science and academe. I am a professor and in a leadership position and I believe I am well respected by my students and colleagues. I am also a mom of two toung beautiful girls. I also believe have been pretty effective in hiding my alcoholism from just about everyone except my husband and a coup,e close friends (but I know we are often surprised at our failure to hide this!).

I have been a binge drinker since college.,started out weekends only. Stopped when I was pregnant, but aside from that, my addiction has grown so that for the last year I have been drinking one to two bottles of Chardonnay every night or every other night. I have the characteristic shame and guilt and self loathing we all share.

I drink alone and try to drink in secret. My routine is that I get by booze (yes, rotate stores) haul it up to my bathroom where I can lock the door. And spend as much time as I can in there to get my drink on. I come out when kids knock and need something. I get them what they want and go right back t feed the addiction. I feel good for about a couple hours, then I get shitty. Sometimes I remember going to bed, sometimes not. Sometimes I run out ands rive drunk for another bottle. I usually wait till the kids are in bed when I do this. Sometimes my husband is out if town. Can you imagine me getting into an accident? Getting pullled over and dragged to jail and my kids waking up not knowing where mom is? This hasn't happened....thank god....but I've imagined it too many times, it makes me sad, frightened, and disgusted.

Anyway, back to the routine...then, I wake up feeling like hell. I spend the day irritated, anxious and defeated.
I schedule my major meetings around my anticipated hangovers. I fight with my poor husband about the drinking all the time. He doesnt kniw how to make me stop (how coukd he? Dnt have a cliue). We fight and he makes me feel more broken and deificient - i try ti hang on to some degree of self esteem but it is hard bc it is hard bc it gphas ebbed away. A few months ago he found me passed up in The middle of the day (kids at grandmas so I thought I'd go n a bender). Since then I tried to cut back but heart wasnt really in it so it didn't take. I kept feeling that quitting just isn't in the cards for me. I knew I couldn't do it so thought I shouldnt much try.

Well. I am not sure what has happened. I haven't been arrested, I haven't hit any NEW low as far as I can tell. I am just sick of my "routine" and I'm not going to,take it any more. I am 6 days sober today and feel good. Anxiety is piqued a bit but I know it is the beast trying to get a piece of me again. The anxiety will wane. I do feel energized and hopeful though. I am waking with more energy and am looking forward to the day. I have already had several tests and triggers. In each case, I force myself to reflect in my tired -- oh so tired-- routine. It makes me angry thinking about it. I am getting mad at booze. Really really angry and I think that is appropriate. It has been a phony friend and deceitful "companion" to me all these years. It has tricked me and cheated me. I do not feel anymore that I am "missing out". I have no desire to mod. I just don't want to be on speaking terms with the damn stuff any longer. If anyone ever treated me the way booze does, I would has gotten a restraining order ages ago.

I am just so sick of my routine. So sick of booze. Have I hit the switch? Is this what it feels like? I haven't gone 6 days no booze in years. Am I delusional? Will it I studiously creep back I to my life? I feel strong right now that I will not provide it that opportunity. If the craving comes a knocking, I will slam the door In It's face.

Hopeful the anger lingers...it is working for me.

[mauritiusdodo]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola - similar story to my own, sounds like you have hit the switch to me, I hope you can stay strong, it is very very hard as i know to my detriment but if you truly want to change (I really really do) then you will find it in you This site is amazing for advice and support :welcome:

[jenniech]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

My story is so so similar to yours. Successful career, good marriage, two wonderful children and a bottle or two of chardonnay a night. I thought I was fooling everyone. But over the past couple of years, I have recognized that this is progressing and i need to do something about it. Told my husband that I thought I had a problem (here is where our stories are different) but he defended me so i continued to drink. Last night he even said he was sorry i had to sacrifice and not drink!!!
Anyway, I could go on and on. But I am in the same exact boat as you. I am angry and tired of teh same old routine that was getting more and more dangerous for me. While on vacation recently, I actually hid some empty bottles so people would think I wasn't drinking as much as I was. I fooled no one. Even my sweet 12 year old boy told me I was drunk one night. That is what has really pushed me to stop once and for all. I am only on day 3 but I am reading, posting, reading, posting, going to AA, reading, posting......Good luck to you... You sound very determined.....as am I!!!!

[lolab]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola...:-)

First congratulations on your 6 days!!! That's really fantastic.

You're so right - the mind games will start - and you're doing what works - by replaying the terrible routine in your head. You find out what works for you, and you keep it up. You just have to kind of imagine the things in the future that might pop up that might make you decide to take a drink. It's hard - I know I didn't even know half of my "triggers" until they were on top of me...and in the beginning I was so much on edge - all the time. But I learned that that anxiety was something that made me want to drink. I tried some calming supplements during the day and it helped alot. I've discovered so much in the past 10 months. That simply being left alone makes me think I need to take advantage of that time by running to the liquor store and drinking....that the anticipation of a social get together makes me want to drink...and that anger - quick flare ups...makes me want to drink. So my 'plan' includes ways to handle all of those things. If you know in advance that something is going to make you feel that way, it's soooo much easier to head off those thoughts before they become a reality. Make sure you have a plan for when that anger subsides...because the longer you go without AL in your life, the better you're going to feel...and the better you feel, the less anger you'll feel. Yes, logically, we know that it's all because the AL is GONE but that drinking brain doesn't always rely on logic...

~lola :-)

[K9Lover]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola!

6 days is awesome! Getting through those first 3-4 is the hardest, for me anyway. I drank 12+ beers every night of the week for years. I finally, finally got to the point where I was sick to DEATH of what I was doing to myself. My daughter (at the time) was about 12, and it really started affecting her. She was seeing more than I thought she was. She wrote me some very tear-jerking letters about my drinking and it really got me thinking about what I was really doing. I put myself in many dangerous situations as well (driving, etc.) Like you, I thought "What if I end up in jail and my daughter wakes up alone??"...of course I only thought that the day AFTER. Ugh, it's such a vicious cycle. The anxiety and self-loathing were like a ton of bricks sitting on me. It's good that you are MAD at alcohol, stay that way, and it will never get to you again. I am still pissed at it...it took my time, money and self-respect. I'll never go back to it.

I'm so glad you're here with us. Please keep posting and let us know how you are!

K9

[mario]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola your doing great, keep up the great work, I will just add overcoming alcohol dependence doesn't just mean stopping drinking, It means changing the way you live life and your outlook on life.

Many people still feel a strong urge to drink alcohol for quite some time after they have taken the decision to give up. If life without alcohol occasionally makes you feel frustrated,lonely,bored, angry you are not alone,

Many people who have succeeded in giving up alcohol felt like this at first,The solution is not to fight the feeling,but to change your life,

This means focusing on the positive things that give you more health,vitality and enjoyment for the things you choose to do,developing a positive plan of action is the first all important step,this plan should include and you have already started some of them.

Eating well,

Enjoying some exercise,

Taking relaxation and avoiding stress,


Developing a positive attitude and surrounding yourself with happy positive people,

Getting a good night sleep.

Remember these 5 key points and develop your own personal action plan.

Keep up the great work Lola .:-)

[Lola01]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hello all and thnaks for chiming in. I must say I have listened to your stories and followed many of you and your postings over the last month. So encouraged by the welcoming atmosphere and the personal narratives ...especially you k9. I read your responses with tears in my eyes and a few chills to boot. Jenni, and all others. It is so nice to know I'm not alone. Funny..I really did feel that way for so long and it couldn't be further from the truth as we now all know. Lots more triggers today. Reflected on routine, got mad, didn't even consider giving in.
Ya know what else? I even had self loathing in the middle of the night when I was half asleep. So often an overwhelming sense of dread would enter my slumber and a voice woukd tell me, your going to die, you are hurting poeple you love, you are going to lose everything, there is nothing you can do, it is just a matter of time.
I haven't had those insidious horrific midnight ideations this week. That theme surrounding bondage and entrapment, and doom that we know from our own experience and read about here is ringing true. I'm feeling freer than I have in a long time. Thank you MWO for the awakening I am experiencing. I hope it lasts. I have tried before but not "really" tried. This feels different but there are lingering doubts if I am going to be comp,ete,y honest. Small doubts and I am feeling strong. My new best friend: cranberry and sprite with a lime!

[K9Lover]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola!

You sound strong right now, keep up the good work. Cranberry and sprite sounds yummy! I can relate to your self loathing in the middle of the night. I used to wake up with my mind shouting at me "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE"...there's no way my body could handle 12 beers and a pack of cigarettes per day. Maybe it wouldn't have happened this year, or even next, but I doubt if I would have seen 50! The thought of leaving my daughter behind because I chose to kill myself slowly was enought to finally wake me up. I envisioned her step-mother helping her into her wedding dress, and that made me mad, I said "OH hell no, that's my job!" (This was all in a dream) But I woke up resolved that yes, I would survive to see her grow up (God willing).

So...do you have some ideas for what your new routine will be? For me it was staying out of the house the first few days, since I only drank at home. Then it was making small changes at home, moving furniture, move a lamp...anything to make my drinking "spot" look different. Let us know what you've come up with!

Stay close, and stay strong. You CAN do this!

K9

[Lavande]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola,

Just wanted to say welcome & congrats on your decision to improve your life. Yuo will never be sorry, I promise

I do not miss AL or the anxiety/depression it created. I do not miss the perpetual hangover, etc. etc.
Life gets better & better, just keep going!

Wishing you the best!
Lav

[jenniech]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

i too would wake in the middle of the night (rather come out of my "pass out phase") and couldn't sleep because my mind would race about what a horrible mother, wife, person I was because I was always either drunk or hungover and what a complete waste of a life!! went to AA again today and have a sponsor...someone I met last February when I was semi serious....I too have my doubts to be honest..... I am a grown intelligent woman who is smart enough to handle it... RIGHT. Like that has worked. I don't drink anymore - there is nothing more to it... I just need to get a new routine. Today I took a 5pm yoga class instead of working out int he AM...that helped. But my kids are away at camp until Friday so I have all this time to pamper myself...I am worried about what will happen when they get home but I am hoping I will be less anxious by then...I have never gotten past 5 days before but this time i am totally determined!! (MWO should have a little face showing a determined look, don't you think?)
Treating myself to seltzer and lemonade plus some delicious locally grown veggies for dinner... can't wait because I know I will feel better once I have eaten something....this is the worst time of day for me but I am holding strong.

[lolab]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

:bat that's the closest I could find, Jenniech...:H

boy do I know that feeling...middle of the night - so angry with myself I can't even lie still....flip flopping back and forth - saying "I just CAN'T have it in the house!" "i am killing myself"....

ugh. I never ever want to go back there. It got so bad that I would wake up and drink what I had in a glass by my bed from the night before, and feel so rotten in the morning, I'd have some then to "try to feel better".....

[starfairy]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

oh lola this was so hard to read. i am you, was you, but mine has had a rock bottom that i hope you never experience. i did get pulled over and did get a DWI. my daughters came with their daddy to get mommy out of jail at 5:30 in the morning. they were wrapped in blankets, scared and worried. they saw me. they know why. i can't imagine how this made them feel seeing me such a wreck and sadly they knew me more wasted than sober. it was normal to find me passed out face down on the floor. i hate myself for not caring enough to make them a priority instead to feed my own need for escape. after the DWI i knew that things had to change. though i had tried before this had to be the time to sober up. August 4th was 6 months since i had been arrested and since i had a drink. life is still hard but so much better sober. good luck. you will find so much support here!

[Lola01]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hello all who are following along. Wake up every day with heart pounding. The anxiety is crazy but it is really kids stuff compared to the psychological torment I've been putting myself through and the stupid conversations and arguments I had with myself constantly. E.g., which store,should I go,to,today? How,many'drinks? How about 1 bottle so,I don't get shitty? No, then I might drive for another when I get the fever. Better get 2 bottles so I don't have to drive again...no..then I'll drink them both and feel like crap tomorrow....
Such bs....around and around I go in my head. So you know something? Anxiety ain't so bad. Bring it on...this I can handle!

Oh..technical question....how do I add a pic? Sill figuring this forum out.
Wishing all of you a happy and healthy day !

[K9Lover]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

How are you doing today Lola?

[ThreeDogNight]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi, Lola.
I am back after relapsing after six months. For the anxiety, you can try Amoryn, recommended by Lavande. It does help a lot when you stop drinking. I was on Paxil for a few months, but realized that most of my anxiety was due to drinking. And if you have trouble sleeping, someone on this site recommended Dramamine, and it has helped me. I don't sleep for the entire night, but it does help.
Keep posting and stay strong!!
TDN