Sick of my routine-going to change it

[freeandclear]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Wow, you just described my life to a T. I quit 3 weeks ago and have never felt better. I've been wanting to quit for sometime but since I was "just a binge drinker", I didn't think that I was as bad off as "real drinkers". Then I had a severe anxiety attack in a store due to being hungover/AL withdrawl. I had my 12 yr old daughter w me, had to have her call my husband and the store manager. Luckily after about 1/2 hour I was able to work through it and not call an ambulance. Thing is, all I could think about was how embarrassing it would be if I did have to call 911 and then be told that my blood alcohol level was high. It scared the shit out of me. Haven't drank since and let me tell you, its so much quieter. No more "when can I have my next drink", "do I need to get more", "do I have everything done so I can drink" etc. I am struggling w guilt of being a bad parent. I can't believe I used to pass out drunk and think it was ok because my husband was here. Not to mention all the other embarrassing things I've done.

I'm proud of me and I'm proud of you. Sometimes you just have to face it and say "enough is enough". I'm no longer going to be a slave to a liquid. Alcohol needs me, I don't need it.

[Lola01]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Ah yes, I know panic well. Was dx with panic disorder in grad school. Had my first attack after heavy night of drinking...ni surpirses there. Always been an anxious person but I think I owe much of my success to anxiety. It actually serves us well when it is under control. It helps us perform when it is at an optimal level. I think that drink was so appealing to me for precisely the reason that it temporarily assuaged my anxiety..but as we all know, in the long run, it does much more harm then good. I don't have panic attacks anymore. I just a
Have general anxiety but I think it is an important part of my identity now and that is ok. I'm just high strung. Stopping drinking has made it worse but I know it is temporary.
Had all of the characteristic/classic triggers today. Went to gas station after work. Walked by the wine case and thought about grabbing a bottle. Then recalled my stupid routine and got grossed out at the idea. Got a raspberry ice tea and it was yummy. Phew...that could have been a close one. Today was all will power. I have got to give it up. I too have the bad mom guilt over this. My kids are still young. I feel like I have a second chance to really get this right. Thanks all for hanging with me. This thread is a lifeline to me at the moment. You have no idea how valuable your words are (well, maybe you do). How is everyone else? Do tell! I know if I make it to 8 pm I am home free. Hey lookit....it's 8:25! Woohoo!!!

[Lola01]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Oh freeandclear...I should also say that my first real panic attack..about 20 years ago was the singular most terrifying event in my life. I feel for you..to this day, grocery stores and waiting in lines give me the creeps but I have learned how to talk myself down. Panic attacks/disorder have an excellent prognosis and usually resolve over time with good talk therapy and I was fortunate bc I had some really great shrinks. Of course, alcohol is contratherapeutic as we all know. I'm sure you were convinced you were going to die. Probably had sweaty palms and heart palpitations and felt faint. I know how terrible that is. Hopefully they will not occur again. If it does, tell yourself you are having a panic attack and that is is going to pass...instead of saying to yourself "I'm going to die, I'm going to lose control, I'm going to have a heart attack, I'm going to faint" ( whatever your version is)....say to yourself instead "I'm AFRAID that I am going to X". Putting the focus on the fear is critical. Once your recognize that, you can begin to deescalte. At least, that realy worked for me. But again, hopefully yours is an isolated event. Ah...this anxiety/booze connection is so insidious...one leads to the other, leads to the other, leads to the other......FUN!

[sober thoughts]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi, I'm a bottle of wine a day or every other day drinker, sometimes 2 bottles. I also have been having bad panic attacks. I get them the day after a binge, even just by walking down the street. I feel really tense and feel like everyone's looking at me and I cannot walk properly. It's the most awful feeling and results in me just staying in my home until it subsides.

[Lola01]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Sure sober thoughts. Night after booze often leads to panic next day. One thing I learned is that it is really important to not avoid the feared stimulus. Doing so will reinforce the unhealthy behaviors..i.e., drinking, and can eventually lead to more severe forms of panic and a more restrictive set of environments in which you feel comfortable...which begets more drinking...down the dismal spiral we go... I see the panic as my penance now and I made myself do what I planned to do each day no matter what. That way I really feel the discomfort and the negative consequences and it makes me think twice about that first drink. Just something to consider. This is what the advice is for panic more generally as well (not in the context of drinking) so see what you think.
Today was rough. Really want a drink tonight. Won't allow myself to do it though. But This am was really great. Geeky as it sounds, Barry manilow's "daybreak" put a spring in my step this am. It came on when I was in the shower...i was singing and being silly and had a lot of fun. Havent felt that way in ages. I'm looking forward to tomorrow am instead of focusing on what I think I want tonight..I don't really want it...need to keep reminding myself. Good thing there isn't booze in the house bc I might have just caved. Ah..one day at a time! How is everyone else fairing? Good I hope...

[Guitarista]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola,

Great to see you here, and warmest greetings to all.

Have you read our 'toolbox' thread yet? https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

It's packed with useful info. Here's a piece from the toolbox written by former member 'Work in progress'. Many folk would've read this before, but won't hurt to read it again.

Gratitude versus deprivation thinking.


Do You "Deserve" a Drink, Today?

I can't count the number of times I have seen someone come here and write a post in which s/he says that s/he has relapsed, or "slipped," because s/he had been doing well for a while, and decided that s/he "deserved" a drink.

And our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

I wrote a post a few days ago, about this way of thinking, but it was kind of buried in another thread. And I saw people talking about "deserving a drink," again today. What I wrote about was about changing our way of thinking from this self-destructive "Deprivation Mode" to a winning, successful, positive "Gratitude Mode." Here it is:

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

wip

[Raven2012]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola,

Gosh this sounds familiar. I too feel like I've been "getting away with it" for so long. Great husband, two beautiful kids, nice career but inside I feel like a fraud. May I ask how you finally made the change. I struggle with the fact that because I keep getting away with it, it's hard to make the change because nothing bad has happenend, except my complete self loathing and fear for the future if something did happend which it surely could. Are you taking any supplements or medication? How did you finally make the decision to make these positive changes to your life. And how has your family responded (if they have) Best to you

[jenniech]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Raven - I am only on day 7 so by no means an expert. But here is my story in a nutshell: Was drinking every night at least a bottle of wine and when at a party, who knows how much. What made me finally decide to do this (have been trying for a couple of years and this is the first time i have gone more than 4 days AF) was because my 12 year old recently called me out on the carpet telling me I was drunk - here I thought I was fooling everyone!! My older son told my husband that I had been drinking a lot while we were away without husband and younger son....and then one night at a friends house in Maine, I was drinking wine like it was water....I decide i want a cigarette (i am a smoker only when i drink) so wandered off...they have a house down a long dirt road....apparently, i was gone for at least half an hour...so husband and friend got in car to drive up and down road to try to find me. They did...i was apparently swaying all over the place (I have no memory of even going off for a cig)...it had begun to rain. I told husband who walked me back to house that my lighter wouldn't work so i was just stumbling around in the pitch dark and rain...falling down...he had trouble getting me back to friend's house.....
1. my children recognized I had an alcohol problem
2. felt disconnected from family - too busy drinking while they were living life
3. the EMBARRASSMENT OF IT ALL - my husband told me this story...i have no memory of it. my friends felt very awkward and it was horrible....shame, guilt, remorse, regret

This wasn't the first time something like this happened but I realized each similar event was getting oh so slowly worse and worse as time went on. My family doesn't deserve this and I don't deserve this kind of life. That is my own story....a very high bottom compared to a lot of people, but a bottom nonetheless.

[itsmytime]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

I can relate as well. I am a mother of two wonderful sons, amazing husband, great job, beautiful home etc.... And a drinking problem. The past year was rough and I started drinking to black out danger zone. I have fallen, stumbled around, slurred my speech, sick to my stomach the night of or the next day. Just plain old drunkeness.

Well, that was then 27 Days ago, this is now and boy do I love me now. Going through some adjustment of course, but happy with my decision to finally stop drinking to save my life.

[Lola01]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Thanks guitar - yes I had read that. Have visited tool box a few times. There are some pearls to be had there. I completely agree with the importance of the mind-shift. That's what I think has happened. When I reflect on my years of drinking and my "routine" (which probably isn't as good as the word "ritual" which is more accurate). I simply make myself sick.
To answer your question Raven, I'm simply very weary. I feel torn down and defeated all the time. This is going to sound super corn-ball but it might be the best way to explain it (and thanks for asking the question bc you've forced me to think about it more carefully and critically):
ever been in an unhealthy romantic relationship? I have. I dated a guy in college for 5 years and even got engaged before I realized -- really realized what a complete jerk he was. We had fun in the beginning. I thought he was smart and funny and exciting. Over the years he really wore down my self-esteem. He began to treat me in cruel and dehumanizing ways. I slowly became isolated from friends and family and he became my whole world until I felt he was all I had. One day, I went to visit an old friend. He got jealous and trashed our apartment. He wrote sick and disturbing words on my walls in lipstick. He wiped dog feces all over the floor and refrigerator door. I got home and he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me up against the wall and almost crushed my larynx. He threatened to leave me and take everything.

I must say I am not a natural victim-type (if there is such a thing). I had genuinely liked myself before this guy but being with him ate away at my insides until I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I was beautiful and smart and going places -- but he was threatening to change all that. Well, that day, after he trashed my apartment (in the most psychotic way) something switched in me. I got really angry and I was not fearful anymore. Called the police and got a restraining order that day. POOF! DONE! ENOUGH!

That is how I feel now. Something has happened and I am really angry at booze (which of course is anthropomorphizing and I'm sure it is transparent that I am really mad at myself but this stance is working for me). I just don't want anything to do with it. I want it out of my life. I want it to kiss-off.

I can see what it is doing to me and this realization has been slow to mount. It is not characteristic in the sense that I can not identify a single transformative event..I'm not sure why it is now. Why now? Why not later when something catastrophic happens? Why not earlier? (i've stumbled around, made passes at guys I can't stand, drunk dialed, even got a DUI about 15 years ago). I can't explain it except to say that a wire got tripped and I am really ticked off and I feel like I just don't want to take it anymore. I think that reading WMO has had something to do with it. I've been thinking and reflecting in more healthy ways since doing so.

Booze has been like a bad relationship AND it has felt like a third job. I have a full-time career, I have a beautiful family who loves me and needs me and then I have this third job called booze. Every night or every other night I need to pound down 1-2 bottles of vino. Sometimes I don't even want to. I choke down the first couple glasses until I do want more...then I drink more...then it begins all again. And my psyche just can't take it anymore. The psychology of addition and the internal discussions I have with myself are absolutely maddening. I've decided booze is like that really sick and twisted boyfriend (can we call him "vinnie"?) and I need to kick him to the curb.

But here is my worry: you know how time passes after a knock-down-drag-out-fight and you lose the anger and even start to reflect on all the good times you used to have? That is what I know is coming and I've already had some feelings like "It wasn't ALWAYS so bad". Maybe Vinnie and I can just be good friends? This is what I need to develop a plan for next. The anger will only take me so far. So what is the plan?

I have not really seriously considered any prescribed meds (don't want to mess around with that...just want to do suck it up and do it this way even if it is harder). I did order all the supps available through MWO. I ordered them a week ago and they still haven't come. Should be here any day. My plan right now is supps when needed. I also have been really loving the sleepy time tea. I drink a couple around 8:00 (the effect is probably more psychological than physiological but who cares...I need some kind of ritual and this is fitting the bill for now). So right now it is anger and will-power. I have three hours a day that I worry about and that are tough 5 - 8 PM. I know it will come just as I know it will pass if I can just force myself through those 3 measly hours.

The only person I talk to about this is the hubby. I often think that does not bode well for me and I know that people who are more 'out' about this tend to do better. I just don't feel I have the courage for that right now--maybe never. I am generally and intensely private person so I think I need another route. Hubby senses a change in me but I prefer not to discuss it on a daily basis. Plus, I just need some serious sober time under my belt before he will really understand that there has been a shift.

So..I guess this is turning into the first chapter of a book! Sorry about that but thank you for asking the good questions and making me - and others - reflect and share. MWO blogging has also been important in my nascent recovery. I don't want to come on here and admit to the world I slipped and made up with Vinnie the prick (may I speak plainly?).

Another beautiful and Vinnie-free day ahead of me. I'm looking forward to it! Sending chill and sober vibes through the ether-net. Be well all....

[pixie]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Hi Lola

Wow, that was one scary former boyfriend. But I really love the analogy, that is exactly what it feels like for me, a bad relationship that just needs to be ended. Except my boyfriend's name is Rumfeld :H

It's so key, to stop thinking of drinking in terms of all the good times, and think solely about what it is now, and all the guilt, shame, and fear that goes with it. The romance is gone, it needs to be over.

I also liked your description of it as a third job - that's partly what has fueled my mind shift. It was getting to be too much work - rotating liquor stores, making sure I had enough for the evening, the hiding, and even the drinking to a degree. Going through the motions without enjoying it anymore. Just something I had to do.

Keep up the good attitude - good things will continue as you get more AF time. I'm on day 67, the longest I have been AF ever, and the mind shift is starting to stick for me. We all have it in us, if we're committed.

[nancy]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

the shift

All I have to say is: Very inspiring, well done. We are rooting for you.

[nancy]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

a question

I do have one question. What's the guzzling of wine about? Do you have a psych condition that this helps with? Like anxiety or OCD, something like that?

[Raven2012]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

You all have inspired me so much. I have had many embarrasing situations, things I wish I'd never done, things I've had to go back and apologize for things I've done like write loopy emails to co-workers at odd hours only to explain that wasn't what I really meant, etc, ah, here's what I meant, I was tired, etc. Thankfully my career is fine and my marraige while not great is still intact, my kids love me very much. But I am not who I want to be. I am far from who I though I would be at this stage in my life. My self esteem is at the bottom of the barrell. So, I've decided that Sunday will be my official first day w/o wine and I'll go two weeks. At that point I'll decide if I can have a bit of wine or if I'm strong enough to walk away. But I'm committed to do two weeks up front.

I'm planning things as much as possible, activities, who will I be with, what will I do, to fill the time that I used to start my little "happy hour" about 5:30pm. What tips can you offer to fill those very long hours between 6-8:30 when the kids come home, dinner, bathe, books and bath and bed, all of which were so much more managable with a glass of chardonney handy. Should I escape upstairs with a book and let my husband do the whole thing? How do you ladies with little ones get through it after years of having alcohol to make the whole thing more pleasant?

[Lola01]

Sick of my routine-going to change it

Ha pixie! I dated your Rumsfeld for while. Dumped him for Vinnie but they both turned out to be bonefied losers in the end didn't they?
Raven..you go girl! That is fantastic and yes..those evening hours...coming home from work..knowing the chores that lay ahead of you at home. Wanting your reward and feeling like you deserve it and need it. Guitar is right..we need to stop the mindset. It isn't a reward. It's landing on the edges of the picture plant (for anyone whi has read Carr's book). I know there is no silver bullet here but maybe us moms (and heck, everyone who has the same witching hours) can chime in and tell us about their strategies. I generally try to get to bed earlier and get my quiet time earlier. Kids are in bed earlier this week I've noticed. Like I said, I've been getting down with sleepy time tea...ah..it's about that time right now. There were also a few nights when I took a couple Zyrtec (over the counter antihistamines) which tend to knock me out. Felt I needed that extra something a few times but I was grasping for anything but booze... Other then that I've been gritting my teeth and white knuckling it. Probably not a winning long term solution. What say you moms and dads and anyone who is fretting that 5-8ish slog booze free? All ideas welcome...