Need to stop

[TexasAg]

Need to stop

Howdy T40!

How ya doing? Just a shout out to say Hi and see what's going on.

Cheers!

[Texas40]

Need to stop

I am still here....I swear I read posts on this site at least six hours a day! I am still struggling unfortunately. I had decided not to drink yesterday, but caved and ended up having 3 beers. I stopped after three because I wasn't even enjoying it because of the guilt. I made myself some chamomile tea and read in bed until bedtime. I am hoping today will be day 1 for me....I seem to have such resolve in the morning and as the day wanes on my resolve diminishes. Trying to plan much to do late this afternoon when I would normally have my first beer. The times between 4 and 7 are my hardest....I am determined to change my life but wish my stupid brain wouldn't constantly obsess on what I know I shouldn't have. Reading others experiences has helped me to gain more perspective though...I think I am more determined now than I have ever been. I have been reading through the Tool Box and I have read the entire thread that Guitarista started over a year ago. So many amazing success stories here! I want desperately to be one of them!

[K9Lover]

Need to stop

T40,
You CAN do this...you can be a success story too. My last drinking episode was ridiculous...I sat there forcing down beer, not because I wanted it, but because I felt like I HAD to have it. I wasn't even enjoying it and wasn't even getting a buzz. My drinking career didn't really end with a bang...it just kind of fizzled out (I had enough "bangs" during my drinking days to last me...jail, DUI's, etc, etc).

Stay as busy as possible during your nomal drinking hours. Get out of the house if possible and go places where drinking is simply not an option...the library, shopping, the park. Once you break the habit of drinking it will become easier to accept that you just don't do it anymore.

Stick close to us too...we can help!

K9

[Texas40]

Need to stop

Thank you so much for replying! That is my plan...I am going to go take a walk and then go to the mall to shop for my friend's bachelorette party.....But something must be really wrong with me! My husband called a few minutes ago to tell me he was coming home early to work from home this afternoon and my very FIRST thought was I needed to grab a few beers and put them in my closet so that he doesn't see me start drinking an hour earlier than he thinks I start! That is seriously so screwed up! I only had three beers yesterday, and those wore off early, last night I felt sober most of the night and I loved that feeling! Why in the world do I seem to forget how much I like the feeling of being sober????? It is so ridiculous! My family might not see much of me for a while though...seems to be so much easier not to drink once I get in bed....I was in my bed reading by 7 last night....certainly don't want to not be around my family, but I think getting into a different place at night for a while is what I have to do!

BTW...K9...how is the not smoking going? I quit last fall for six weeks and stupidly picked it back up again...trying to quit that now too....hope it is going well for you!

[Hippyman]

Need to stop

Tex, most come here hoping to find their own way out of the nightmare of alcoholism. I remember what it was like for so many years, wanting to quit but the compulsion to drink was stronger than I was. There are so many tools here to learn about. Try many of them and see what works for you. You can get sober and live a happy life. I know you can. This time 4 sure!

[Texas40]

Need to stop

Thank you Hippyman....I definitely have to find a way out of this living nightmare! I have been following you on here for a while and I have seen you did the Baclofen. I think I am going to order the liquid Bac and hope that works!

I am reading a new book and this paragraph I read last night really resonated with me....the woman in the book is an alcoholic btw.....

"Sometimes I wake up too early. It's a problem. I have no trouble falling asleep, especially after concluding an evening with a little wine, but I tend to awaken with a start at exactly three AM filled with dread and self loathing. It's my nocturnal sojourn to my own little hell, where I'm visited by the cast of demons who delight in reminding me of my daily wretchedness, my lifelong wickedness. An inventory of the previous day's missteps is reviewed, followed by the unscrolling of a decades-long catalog of my own sins, spites, regrets, and grudges."

This is what happens to me every single night. I am sure it is the same with many of us while we are struggling. We carry so much guilt and shame and use the alcohol to try to forget about the shame, but it is always there, always ready to rear it's head. I hate it and want so much to be able to be proud of myself for once! Everyone on here gives me so much hope for a brighter future!

[Hippyman]

Need to stop

Texas40;1449113 wrote: Thank you Hippyman....I definitely have to find a way out of this living nightmare! I have been following you on here for a while and I have seen you did the Baclofen. I think I am going to order the liquid Bac and hope that works!

I am reading a new book and this paragraph I read last night really resonated with me....the woman in the book is an alcoholic btw.....

"Sometimes I wake up too early. It's a problem. I have no trouble falling asleep, especially after concluding an evening with a little wine, but I tend to awaken with a start at exactly three AM filled with dread and self loathing. It's my nocturnal sojourn to my own little hell, where I'm visited by the cast of demons who delight in reminding me of my daily wretchedness, my lifelong wickedness. An inventory of the previous day's missteps is reviewed, followed by the unscrolling of a decades-long catalog of my own sins, spites, regrets, and grudges."

This is what happens to me every single night. I am sure it is the same with many of us while we are struggling. We carry so much guilt and shame and use the alcohol to try to forget about the shame, but it is always there, always ready to rear it's head. I hate it and want so much to be able to be proud of myself for once! Everyone on here gives me so much hope for a brighter future!

The nightmares were BAD at first...maybe for 2 weeks or so and it took a couple of months to get so I was sleeping well again. I can tell you for sure that Baclofen saved my life. I had tried everything and had pretty much given up any hope of recovery until I read Dr. Aimesen's book "End of my Addiction" and his new book "Heal Thyself". It tells the story of his journey back to the real world thru Baclofen. It works so well for me, even at low doses. It's inexpensive and so worth a try ...IMO.

[Rainyday]

Need to stop

Texas40;1449106 wrote: But something must be really wrong with me! My husband called a few minutes ago to tell me he was coming home early to work from home this afternoon and my very FIRST thought was I needed to grab a few beers and put them in my closet so that he doesn't see me start drinking an hour earlier than he thinks I start! That is seriously so screwed up! I only had three beers yesterday, and those wore off early, last night I felt sober most of the night and I loved that feeling! Why in the world do I seem to forget how much I like the feeling of being sober????? It is so ridiculous! My family might not see much of me for a while though...seems to be so much easier not to drink once I get in bed....I was in my bed reading by 7 last night....certainly don't want to not be around my family, but I think getting into a different place at night for a while is what I have to do!

Nothing is "wrong" with you per se, except that you have a disease (as some would call it) or an "addiction" as others would call it. You are the same as all of us. I started drinking Vodka because it didn't smell. That way I could start earlier and hang out with the non-drinking neighbors, or my family, and they'd never know! Or drink on the weekends during the day!

Three beers for a woman is too many (just thought I'd add that!) Women should only drink 1 drink per day, and then, probably only 3 days a week, for health!

When I don't drink at all, and when I've had a sober night the night before, I LOVE my bedtime reading time! It's awesome actually! And then remembering what I read the next day!

When I was pregnant (3 times) I always "retired" early so I could get away from it.

I don't have an excuse now, so I just look forward to the time I can go to bed! But, I spend quality time with the kids rather than a drunk time trying to get chores done!

[Rainyday]

Need to stop

Texas40;1449113 wrote: I am reading a new book and this paragraph I read last night really resonated with me....the woman in the book is an alcoholic btw.....

"Sometimes I wake up too early. It's a problem. I have no trouble falling asleep, especially after concluding an evening with a little wine, but I tend to awaken with a start at exactly three AM filled with dread and self loathing. It's my nocturnal sojourn to my own little hell, where I'm visited by the cast of demons who delight in reminding me of my daily wretchedness, my lifelong wickedness. An inventory of the previous day's missteps is reviewed, followed by the unscrolling of a decades-long catalog of my own sins, spites, regrets, and grudges."

This is what happens to me every single night. I am sure it is the same with many of us while we are struggling. We carry so much guilt and shame and use the alcohol to try to forget about the shame, but it is always there, always ready to rear it's head. I hate it and want so much to be able to be proud of myself for once! Everyone on here gives me so much hope for a brighter future!

YES, me too! That's what I had the ativan for... I HAD to get mroe sleep, and knew the Ativan would relax me enough to get me back to sleep but not make me drowsy in the next few hours when I had to get up.

Now I don't need the ativan at all! YAY! I sleep through the night and it's the best sleep ever! And I was able to use the Ativan the way I should have used it, for the withdrawals! Happy to say I don't need it at all right now!

What is the book, BTW? I'm so bad, I like to read about other's tortured troubles.

[K9Lover]

Need to stop

What IS it about 3am??? I know I had many self-loathing, anxiety-ridden wake up calls at 3am. Scrambling to check my phone and see who I'd called/texted, not remembering any of it. Going out to the living room to see if I blew out candles, turned off the oven...etc, etc. Checking the garage to make sure the car was in there....

T40 - your first thought about the beer happened because you are an alcoholic like we are. To this day, when my daughter plans on going to her dads, my first thought is "Yay, movie and a 12 pack...here I come!"....then I remember...I DON'T DRINK ANYMORE...and that's just fine too!!

I can't count the nights I was in bed reading before the sun went down...sometimes I still do that because books are way better than the crap on TV! LOL

Hang in there!!! :h

[TexasAg]

Need to stop

Howdy T40!

It's always good to have a plan. :goodjob:

I think you should try the Bac. It definitely worked for me and I'm hoping it'll work for you! Many people have succeeded at lower doses (Hippyman) and without SE's. Not sayin that'll be you but heck it's worth a try. I had to hit 160mg and got SE's but in hindsight, not anywhere near the the side effect of my biweekly binge and self loathing.

As for the 3am wakeup.....I would get them all the time when I stopped drinking! Then I would stay up arguing with that little voice inside my head that kept telling me all kinds of bad crap.

Traditionally 3am is considered the witching hour, i.e. when the bad spirits come to mess with you. I told myself that it was the alcohol beast knowing it was losing me and trying to convince me I couldn't do it. So I would pray and meditate and feel better about it (most times!). (In Catholic circles, they encourage you to say the Divine Mercy Prayer at this hour)

Of course, 3am hits every hour somewhere in the world. :H

I don't want to derail this thread but if you want, google 3am witching hour!:egad:

More importantly, T40, keep checking in and tell us what's going on. As you can see, you're not alone!

Cheers!

[K9Lover]

Need to stop

I always figured 3am was when the alcohol wore off and the withdrawals set in...thirst, headache, nausea...now I'm curious about this 3am witching hour...if I look it up will it scare me? :H

All I know is that now I don't have anxiety when I wake up in the middle of the night...and what a RELIEF that is!

[TexasAg]

Need to stop

:teeter:

Naw, shouldn't be scary, except you're gonna wonder now when you wake up at 3am! :egad:

I never thought about the alcohol wearing off and w/d setting in...that probably has something to do with it. But how do you account for others that are not alcoholic that get the 3am wakeup.. :egad:

:H

Cheers!

[K9Lover]

Need to stop

GREAT...just when I was about to look it up then you made me start to wonder...LOL

[paulywogg]

Need to stop

im scared,i havent had a drink in 3 weeks and i wake up at 3 am daily!