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    #1

    The great disappear

    It's a long story - and I can't begin to describe how horrible the last few months have been.

    I sketched around it before - and I have to keep doing so - but the edges are I won my kids back in an God-awful custody dispute this summer but far more horrible things happened to them then in my worst imagination. And we have been dealing with all sorts of investigations, behaviors, rages, courts, social workers and financial issues as the ex has refused to pay child support.

    It's felt that at every turn - something bigger and uglier has hit.

    We moved home for support - some nights I'm lucky and the man is here. And I don't sleep alone with all my worries. On those nights - AL doesn't win. But most nights - due to family commitments - we have two houses - two sets of kids - two different sets of custody rules - he can't. And I sit here alone - with my worries. And AL wins. And on those nights - if he calls - he becomes disgusted rightfully so - because he knows the kids are asleep and he is angry I've done it.

    Recently - I've realized - I can't do this alone. I haven't been able to do this with MWO alone either. And the fact is - I've felt empty without God. So - I'm going to try not to become one of those people I hated who bugged people about faith. But I am going to work on mine. And I've asked my church if they will provide me with someone who will walk this journey with me one on one, confidentially. I don't know if they will agree.

    If not - I may have to drive across town to the Celebrate Recovery group. I just know I don't want to do AA. I've read the stuff. It isn't me. I've got the Celebrate Recovery materials and it's more my speed.

    I just need to find someone willing to do it with me since there isn't a group here. And maybe a buddy to keep me honest. I'm thinking about ordering the Antabuse online too. If I can't - I won't. And right now - I think that would be better. For everyone.

    Love to all.
    That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
    Admitting I need healing. And I am not big enough to do this alone.
    AF - August 20, 2012
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    #2
    The great disappear

    Hi Prairie and good to see you back. I also continue to struggle with lots of things happening that I wish weren't, that stop me from being happy. I also am not manageing to sort out the drinking, something seemed to click and I got 16 days, then I just blew it. I intend to hang out here and get this thing licked (probably annoy lots of people if I keep lapsing) - there are some great threads that are very welcoming and have great advice and neat people....I am happy to hang around with you here, and see if we can support each other thru this messy life we have got ourselves into...
    “The only courage you will ever need is the courage to live the life you want"

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      #3
      The great disappear

      Well - if we annoy everyone - at least we have each other. :-)

      I ordered the Antabuse today. I'm terrified. I did it though. It says it takes two weeks to get here. But I know me - I do better with aversive conditioning in addition to the positive. Sad but true.

      I wish life wasn't so messy lately. And the parts I can settle down - I'm determined to settle down. Some of it will settle down without AL messing it up. So - if you want a buddy - I'm in it with you.
      That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
      Admitting I need healing. And I am not big enough to do this alone.
      AF - August 20, 2012

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        #4
        The great disappear

        I am in it with you!
        I have thought about antabuse, but am more terrified than you as I have not completed the on line ordering!!
        I have two girls 11 and 13 who are asking to live with me full time - we have joint custody just now, but they want to be here. Their dad doesn't do anything wrong, so I am lucky there it seems in comparison to what you have, however he doesn't do much right either. I hate putting them thru this....I definately don't have it as bad as your post suggests, but I do live for a much les complicated, happier world to live in for sure!
        “The only courage you will ever need is the courage to live the life you want"

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          #5
          The great disappear

          I've thought about the Antabuse before. But now that the kids are here and I feel like my fear is less important that what they see. Because they are old enough now - where what they didn't notice before - they notice - and have started to comment on. And I am devastated by that.

          So - as sick to my stomach as I was, I hit send. And then I drove to the church with my form asking for a buddy as I work my way through the Celebrate Recovery books. They don't do anything with the program - but they are going to talk more to me about it Friday.

          If not - I'm going to have to ask someone to watch the kids on Wednesday nights so I can drive across town to the only meeting. Ugh. I don't really want to do that. Because I'm not sure how ready I am to let everyone in yet.

          But - I am going to try to heal from the inside out. Not just the AL. The whole mess. I'm treating it as one big holistic project. The "Get Prairie Right with the World" project. And that's a lot bigger than AL. AL is where I go when I can't deal with the whole world. I've been doing this wrong. I can't just deal with AL by itself. Or even the triggers. I have to deal with the whole shebang.
          That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
          Admitting I need healing. And I am not big enough to do this alone.
          AF - August 20, 2012

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            #6
            The great disappear

            Prairie - I couldn't do any of this without my faith in God! If you don't get what you're looking for at that church, then you keep looking. I wish you were here and could go to my church...we'd walk through this together, but we're not, so you keep looking. There are churches out there that know we aren't perfect and that is the whole point! Celebrate Recover is a pretty good program. Is it held at a church, because a lot of times that's where you find Celebrate Recovery and if so, maybe you could consider that church. If they have the program, then they are certainly more open to the needs of people with addiction.

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              #7
              The great disappear

              Hi Dogwood -

              There is one church in town with it - and they have a HUGE Celebrate Recovery Program. They made theirs so expansive - and open - they consider it the foundation for everything there - based on what I'm seeing of their web site. It's just so far away - and I'm trying to get the kids settled with new friends at church that they would know at school.

              So - I'm thinking I could drive across town for Celebrate Recovery on Wednesday Evenings and keep going where I'm going for the kids sake on Sunday's.

              One of the Assistant Pastor's is going to meet with me Friday so I'm going to take all my Celebrate Recovery materials I bought already and show them to her. Maybe I can convince her to walk it with me on my own...my church is actually HUGE. Ginormous. I don't understand why they don't have an outreach. I think they should. If you have literally that many thousands of members - I'm hardly the only one with the need. And AA isn't going to work for everybody. Just isn't.
              That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
              Admitting I need healing. And I am not big enough to do this alone.
              AF - August 20, 2012

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                #8
                The great disappear

                Fairy...I have not gone to Celebrate Recovery. We do have enough churches here that participate (not all that convenient), but I think I am going to check it out. The one on Monday's actually has a dinner, then the service, then the groups.

                One thing that has kept me away from it....it that it is all kinds of problems program. I stick with AA because the meetings are easy to get to, going on all the time and regardless of what I say....someone in the room gets me.

                The one thing I did not like either was how long the meeting is.....2 hours....at least with AA I am in and out in an hour. Also, we get enough loose cannons in AA....I mean seriously mentally ill people....that have to be redirected that this is about AL....and not the fact that you have 30 cats living with you and your landlord evicted you.

                I think what I am trying to say though...is that you don't have to buy into the whole program (any program) for it to work. My new city is very different from my last. They stress One Day at a time....many refuse to take "chips" to mark time...as they only have today. And everything....IS A SUGGESTION.....and not every city seems to have that mentality. For me it works. My last city not so much.

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                  #9
                  The great disappear

                  Fair enough points Sunflower...it is long...that's for sure...the AA meetings here are about 5 minutes away, held 2 times a day, and are super convenient...I could go during the school day and not hamper anyone else's schedule...

                  I don't know...I just can't seem to bring myself to go. I keep thinking of one Uncle who was in AA...and OMG. I can't do it. I just can't.
                  That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
                  Admitting I need healing. And I am not big enough to do this alone.
                  AF - August 20, 2012

                  Comment

                    #10
                    The great disappear

                    If you are in a big church, Fairy, they might just be very willing to start Celebrate Recovery. Stress to the lady you meet with that it must be have a strong leader to direct the meetings so you don't end up with the problems SunFlower is talking about. You have to have someone to keep everyone on focus! It has to stay about the addiction and not about the 50 cats and the eviction! hahahaha........... Perhaps they will work out, but if you can take what you need from the AA meetings, those might work for you and at least hold you accountable.

                    I know how important it is to get your kids in somewhere they enjoy going and know people. So glad you have a place like that close to you!

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