A hard today

[Prairie Fairy]

Last night I drew the line on a minimal basic with the SO. Been a minimal basic but for years - but the interesting thing is as I get sober - out power dynamic shifts.

I am not yelling and screaming about things that make me mad - acting nutty drunk - so he can't say I am being nutty - instead I am rationally explaining why things are problems.
Some things he has given on but last night on a thing that has been standard for years for us - backed out - no reason - when I said I am not ok - wigged out and stopped talking.

In the cold light of day - we may or may not make it if he choose to behave like he did least night. I don't know if I am willing to try to work with that or not.

There is a limit to what I am willing to take. Sober Prairie doesn't have to put up with that and realizes how many nights she got angry she swallowed down her rage at some of this and drowned it in a sea of red unsuccessfully.

So - I don't know where the next few days will take this relationship. it's going to take some hard work because the Lizard has done a lot of damage and I am not sure it can be saved.

But I am hurt and yet oddly - strong. I won't put up with certain things and that was one of them. His shit will be in the garage for pick up if that keeps up - and it won't take long.

I will need you guys though. I can't face a quit at this stage and the end of a multi-year relationship and succeed - without you.

Send strength. I need it today.

[Lavande]

A hard today

PF, I understand....believe me!

My husband walked out on our 37 year marriage for the same reason.
Apparently he dislikes me more when I'm sober. He's an ass & I've always known that & most likely the reason I pickled myself for a period of 10 years.

I did not drink when he left. I will not damage myself in anyway again over him or anyone/anything else. Stand strong for yourself ~ you can do this

Lav

[lolab]

A hard today

Prairie, you know that whatever happens we'll be here to support you...you're feeling like "you" again - feeling strong - and you will need to pull from that strength if push comes to shove with your relationship.

But I'm going to throw this out there too...you're in early days. Even though the issue has been there for a long time, you might be more tuned into it now due to the emotions and irritability that comes with early days....I don't mean the anxiety of the VERY early days - but for the first few months - I know I was at times on edge. I know my hubby has been known to clam up when I'm being a bit over the top in my criticism or if I'm flipping over every last thing...I think its his escape mechanism to not say anything rather than scream back and say "you do nothing but b!tch at me lately!" And it happened ALOT when I first quit.

So, I guess I'm saying - don't be a doormat - but also don't make any hasty decisions while your brain chemistry is still evening out....

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

Prairie Fairy;1374953 wrote: Last night I drew the line on a minimal basic with the SO. Been a minimal basic but for years - but the interesting thing is as I get sober - out power dynamic shifts.

I am not yelling and screaming about things that make me mad - acting nutty drunk - so he can't say I am being nutty - instead I am rationally explaining why things are problems.
Some things he has given on but last night on a thing that has been standard for years for us - backed out - no reason - when I said I am not ok - wigged out and stopped talking.

In the cold light of day - we may or may not make it if he choose to behave like he did least night. I don't know if I am willing to try to work with that or not.

There is a limit to what I am willing to take. Sober Prairie doesn't have to put up with that and realizes how many nights she got angry she swallowed down her rage at some of this and drowned it in a sea of red unsuccessfully.

So - I don't know where the next few days will take this relationship. it's going to take some hard work because the Lizard has done a lot of damage and I am not sure it can be saved.

But I am hurt and yet oddly - strong. I won't put up with certain things and that was one of them. His shit will be in the garage for pick up if that keeps up - and it won't take long.

I will need you guys though. I can't face a quit at this stage and the end of a multi-year relationship and succeed - without you.

Send strength. I need it today.

Hmmm, another post that sounds like I wrote it. I understand EXACTLY what you are saying, Praire. I think Lola has good points, but I, also, understand that often times what came out of us while we were drunk were issues that we had sober and were legitimate issues. It's just our delivery system of communicating said problem was distorted and corrupted by the intoxicated state we were in when we delivered it, but nevertheless, it was still an issue. I often went to drink because the problem was bothering me and then came home to let him know. The husband or SO uses the drinking as a way to make the issue a non issue and blame it all on our drinking, so we tend to shrink back and shut up because of our behavior. Granted, we are wrong to become obnoxious and very angry when bringing it up and our choice of words may be a bit extreme...just a bit. lol The issue remains and we keep drinking.

I am having the same issue as you currently. Right now, I bring it up very nicely and try to talk about it and get I don't want to talk about it and an attitude. So, you begin to clearly see this person is just hiding behind the drinking to avoid facing the problem. Most likely because they don't want to change or deal with it themselves. They like the status quo. I'm not sure what your issue or issues are, but mine are legitimate. I now can think more clearly and logically, and am not so emotional but rather rational.

I hear ya, sista. lol You have support and understanding here. YOU are strong, and sober you can address the issues properly and without fearing that you have to compensate all the time because of your drinking. Another benefit of being sober. No more unfair compensating.

Hang tight, love. You can prevail and the alcohol will not solve anything!!!!

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

Another thought. If you do end up breaking up, be a bigger person now that you are sober and don't throw his stuff in the garbage. Politely and neatly pack it up and give it to him or leave it on the porch for him. Write your angry feelings in a journal and don't act on them. You are better than that!!!!

:l

[pixie]

A hard today

Prairie, I'm going through something similar right now with my husband. 90-plus AF days has cleared my head enough to take a good look around, and I don't like what I see. I need to figure out what's most important for me, is my marriage salvageable, can we work on this? I'm realizing only now how much the drinking 'filled in the gaps' in our relationship.

But I'm trying to tread lightly, as I'm going through a roller coaster of mood swings. I think LolaB is spot on. I love that I'm feeling empowered, but I'm fearful of doing something I will regret later, when I have more sober time. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[lolab]

A hard today

"The husband or SO uses the drinking as a way to make the issue a non issue and blame it all on our drinking, so we tend to shrink back and shut up because of our drinking"

yep, sounds familiar! I so remember the amazing feeling the first few times I could stand my ground in an argument - without clamming up - myself - because I didn't actually remember what had happened that we were arguing about! And him looking at me surprised that I was actually standing my ground.

Again, I'm not saying to ignore fundamental issues .....but - I feel like a different person now. And I'm sure it took some adjustment on his part getting used to "me" again...and who knows - maybe in the end, there was too much damage done in all those years of him "thinking" he knew me - and really only knowing "drinking me"...but even at almost a year into this, there's still lots of learning and adjusting going on.

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

lolab;1374992 wrote: "The husband or SO uses the drinking as a way to make the issue a non issue and blame it all on our drinking, so we tend to shrink back and shut up because of our drinking"

yep, sounds familiar! I so remember the amazing feeling the first few times I could stand my ground in an argument - without clamming up - myself - because I didn't actually remember what had happened that we were arguing about! And him looking at me surprised that I was actually standing my ground.

Again, I'm not saying to ignore fundamental issues .....but - I feel like a different person now. And I'm sure it took some adjustment on his part getting used to "me" again...and who knows - maybe in the end, there was too much damage done in all those years of him "thinking" he knew me - and really only knowing "drinking me"...but even at almost a year into this, there's still lots of learning and adjusting going on.

It's healing to be able to stand our ground with confidence. Those blackouts are murder to our ability to rationalize and have a healthy conversation about issues. The issue gets lost in all the things they tell us we said. We are vulnerable to any manipulation or unfair treatment from our partners under those conditions. Of course, we made the bed. I hear what you are saying. It's definitely a balance, but important as part of the healing process to be able to voice our concerns openly and be heard and responded to with respect and to give it as well. Relationships require work without adding in drunken behavior and blackouts. Add that to the reasons I won't drink today!!!!

Day 16 AF and happy to be here.

[kuya]

A hard today

It is so classic PF so bloody classic.

Drunk you can be bullied but sober is a REAL threat.

The Irish have a lovely saying " what goes in sober comes out drunk" and most of what we have said drunk we probably truly meant. We just did not mean to say it so meanly, and then can't even remember what we said.

Good luck with it PF but if you separate your sobriety and recovery remains here. I have been single for the last 4 years and before that relationship I was single for 10 years. As far as I am concerned the last time I NEEDED a man was when my father shagged my mother!

SOs are nice but not if they become SOBs

KY :l

[Guitarista]

A hard today

Hang in there Prairie. We sure get some clarity when the AL fog starts to lift, and things aren't always rosy. You are doing a great job taking your life back, and you don't need to drink over anyone or anything. We are here. Shine on sista!

G-bloke.

[Prairie Fairy]

A hard today

He has calmed down this morning - I reached out calmly and gave him the opening. He tends to be very hard headed and he doesn't say I'm sorry. It's his worst sin. (He did the other day though - and actually drove all around my side of two to find my car to tell me - shocking. So we are both learning.)

Much like everyone has said - I think there are issues we had when I was drinking that were real issues that I could be pushed around or manipulated on - because I was talking stupid or mean or blacking out - that I can't be pushed on anymore.

So power dynamic shifts etc. But I also think my emotions are heightened because nothing is masking them and they feel more raw - so I could well be more irritable.

And I am trying so hard NOT to make any life changes without giving things time to settle down a while. It's why I reached out event though I think he was being childish last night. Because it's not about who's right or wrong - it's about the bigger picture. This is a LOT to take in for the both of us - and let's be honest - he doesn't know about the AB, or MWO. All he knows is that I started counseling yesterday and I've been going to some kind of Christian support group. The fact I've been sober (today is Day 18) this long has to be a WTH? She said she would do it - but this is the second longest she's gone since we've been together. He probably has no idea what to think. When I cross my longest AF day - which will be certainly by Day 40 - I think he may fall over.

I don't intend to let ANYTHING derail my sobriety.

I AM ON THIS PATH. I am not deviating. I am not turning back. Not for him. Not for anyone. I am getting better. I am building a new life for myself and my children. So help me God.


The good part of being here - is I know many of you have the same issues - and I'm not alone. So thank you for the lending of strength _ and just ask when you need it....mending relationships the Lizard has so thoroughly messed with is hard...and will take all the good advice and suggestions I think all of us have sometimes...

[stumpy]

A hard today

Good Morning PF, I have to agree with Lolab. As women we tend to over do things a bit. When one room in our house is dirty, we need to clean the whole damn house so it's all perfect. When we change something about ourselves that we weren't happy with, we tend to change everything else. Right now our emotions are very raw and we are not really ready or in a position to take on more change so soon. My opinion is that you take care of YOU and your quit right now and worry about the rest down the road. Do not make any hasty decisions. We are all here for you Prairie.

[Kradle123]

A hard today

Good Morning everyone and I am so tempted to walk my iPad into my husbands office right now and show him this entire thread and say , " THIS!! THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY FOR YEARS!!

But it's very early here and I don't think we have even had our first cup of coffee yet.

Big question - Given that our issues existed before ...and drinking clearly exacerbated the issues and problems.... Helping us make our beds as Slay so rightly says...how then in the world do we achieve balance ???
Suffer in silence because we did this to ourselves? Walk away? Keep trying to assert ourselves, stand our ground? Or just carry on , trying not to drink, trying to get better, trying not to go ballistic ?
It is a huge balancing act, I agree. For me at this stage, PF it's unclear I have a partner I can balance with. But I also have children which of course puts a whole different spin on it.

Kula your Irish Saying hits home for me. Much of what came out of my mouth drunk was the way I felt, was even true in some cases, but it usually came out mean or distorted so really pretty useless...making that bed again!

Sorry for big questions before coffee!
Off for another cup before I get the troops up,
Thanks PF for thread by the way though I'm so sorry your going through it. We are DEFINATELY here for you :h
:l

[Slaythefear]

A hard today

Glad to hear it, PF. Sometimes we just need some support or to vent to calm down or to clear our heads. I'm married to a very stubborn man, but I can be stubborn as well. Things often calm down once two people step back for a break and breath and come back together in a loving manner. Mutual respect and working together as partners looking out for one another is so important. Both parties need to hear each other. That isn't possible with alcohol. It produces too much damage. At least you know the drinking is not the current problem.

Have a better day!

[Byrdlady]

A hard today

I never thought I had the 'right' to say anything because I was such a drain on the relationship. I just went along. But now I do have a voice, and he is learning to respect it because I now respect myself! AL changes everything, and so does getting sober, thank God. Seeing thru clear eyes is both troubling and rewarding. It's as if we are getting to know each other again...25 years later. B