First time here .......

[txbird]

I'm a 55 yr old female and I drank most of my life, since my early 20's. Never every day but there were times when I drank every other day. I have been in AA, have been sober for months at a time, am diagnosed manic depressive but still drink about every 3 or 4 days. I drink to get drunk, always. I don't want to drink anymore. I feel horrible for 2 days afterwards. I drink probably 9 or 10 beers and I black out and then pass out. I live alone. My boyfriend of 8 yrs. is in prison for his 5th dui. This is the second time I've been with him while he was in prison. He and I have not lived together for 6 yrs and it was very difficult for me. Now that he's in prison and sober, he wants to parole out to me, says he loves me....all that stuff. Well, when I drink, I call a friend of mine, who is sober and well adjusted. He comes over and we spend the night together and usually the next day. When I sober up, I don't want to see him. It seems like he's just part of the binge. When I'm with my boyfriend, I don't want to drink at all. He's an alcoholic and we did drink together in the past and it was almost always very bad. So, I just don't drink around him. I'm sure he will be drinking when he gets out again. I just want to live a sober life and live it in peace. But every 3 or 4 days, I just get sick of being alone, tired of pushing and pulling my way through life, tired of waiting for him to get out of prison and I drink and forget it all and have a good time. Then it starts all over again. Help? Thank you.

[Caper]

First time here .......

Hi txbird - Glad to see you here. You've chosen an awesome site - there are so many wonderful people here that can offer you tons of advice as you begin your journey. Newbies Nest is always a "busy" place and a lot of the "old timers" are there every day, with great suggestions and encouragement. Many - Byrdie, K9, Lavande, lolab and others - will offer you their own mantras that are hugely helpful when the cravings hit, and believe me, no matter how determined we are in the beginning, the cravings don't give up easily! They always suggest that new people make a plan - get the alcohol out of your house, change your routines, change your friends if need be, whatever it takes to reprogram your head that you have taken your life back and alcohol is simply no longer a part of it. After reading your post, my own suggestion - and please don't take offense - is that you might want to focus just on yourself right now. I can totally relate to what you've said. I'm 60 and was for a very long time, involved with an alcohol who could never give it up. We aren't involved any longer but are still friends. And - oddly enough considering your boyfriend's situation - I am traveling to pick him up from jail tomorrow where's he been held for the last 6 weeks after being arrested for his 5th OUI. He'll be out for a couple of months awaiting his trial. I'm not sure where you're from, but here in Massachusetts, he is looking at a minimum of 2 years in prision. But back to you.... please try to focus on you own sobriety and do whatever it takes to not drink today. Keep checking back in here, find the "Toolbox" for lots of good ideas. There is hope and help here! Good luck!

[Caper]

First time here .......

Ha! I just read my post and what I meant to say was: involved with an alcoholic who could never give it up. It also sounds like I'm 60 and have been for a very long time.... Oh dear.... Well, you get what I was trying to say I hope! Just jump around on different threads, especially here in the "Just Starting Out" section and you will not feel alone anymore!

[porqoui]

First time here .......

Hi txbird - I'm a 56 yr old female, that's what got my attention in the first place, and I've been drinking since my "tweens" (10,11,12).

Secondly was the mention of manic depressive and I was hooked. My Ex is a manic depressive. But that's for a "website" all it's own. (Selfish now - if you stick around I have 1001 questions!)

I used to see people when I drank that I didn't want to see when I was sober. But they were NOT "sober and well adjusted".

"Maybe it's part of the binge or maybe it's not". If he's sober and well adjusted, maybe it's someone who you trust to reach out to. Hard to say as this "reader's digest" version only skimmed the surface.

And 3rd, "just get sick of being alone, tired of pushing and pulling my way through life" Yup I HEAR YOU THERE!

I would love to read your "full" version unfold as you post here for support. This is a great place to be as it sounds like you have lot's of questions. :welcome:



Just tell us how you're feeling and we'll tell if you're right or wrong :H JUST KIDDING.

Time to get off the merry-go-round and we're here for you. PPQ

[txbird]

First time here .......

Thanks so much for the welcoming replies! It really is wonderful to know that I'm not alone. I've stayed in all day, napping off and on. I don't keep alcohol in the house. I only buy it when I want to drink and if I don't drink it all, I pour the remaining drink out the next morning. I've always done that. I can't stand the sight of it. Not even the empty cans in the garbage. That gets taken out right away.
I visit my boyfriend in prison (2 hrs. away) every other Sunday. I noticed a screw in my rear tire on my car yesterday so that kept me from going for my regular visit today. I didn't really want to go anyway. I am so very tired of driving that far, sitting across from him for 2 hours behind glass, then leaving him there and driving home. He has been in prison now for 14 months and I've been to see him at least twice a month if not more often. It's just getting to be too much for me. He'll be home in 90 days and that will go by fast. 6 months ago I thought I'd be so excited by now but I'm not. I'm afraid, worried that it will only be the same as it was. I feel confused and tired all the time. I do everything I can to take care of myself; I see a therapist, I manage my life alone the best I can, I stay in touch with my kids and family, etc. I do spend most of my time alone. During this time of confusion and fatigue, I don't really get along too well with people. I guess I just don't know where I'm headed. My job is only part time and that's probably good. I do get SSI for manic depresssion, I have food stamps and am on Sec 8. I do know that in a few days, maybe a week, I'll want to drink again. I was sober for 3 weeks in July and felt really good. It was only a little hard at the beginning. I just drink to forget and to relax and "let go". Day after day of the same thing - alone, writing to my boyfriend, just getting through the day - gets so old and I just want to scream. So...it occurs to me that I only live once, I am not in prison, I may as well enjoy myself. Then for a few days afterward, I feel guilty and remorseful and so on. Then it all begins again. ugh. Thanks again, so much, for your support and understanding.

[stumpy]

First time here .......

Hi Txbird, I just wanted to welcome you. You will recieve so much support on here, everyone is so helpful. I hope to read more of your posts.

[porqoui]

First time here .......

I just want to live a sober life and live it in peace

Hi Txbird....glad you posted back.

Maybe for now instead of "alone, writing to my boyfriend, just getting through the day" why don't you write yourself a letter and tell yourself what you do want.

I know for me when it was time for a change, I really didn't know what I wanted, just knew I didn't want what I had. I found it very hard to define what "I" wanted. I was so used to dealing with what everyone else wanted.

A very dear friend of mine is very BIG on LISTS. Put a piece of paper beside your bed entitled "What I DO want" and everytime you think of something "write it down". I can give you #'s 1 & 2...I want to live sober....I want to live in peace...

There you go, that's a start...maybe you'll add to it...

At least it'll be something else to think about. We're here. PPQ

[kdog]

First time here .......

Just wanted to welcome you to a wonderful site, everyone of us is here for the same reason and you will recieve a lot of support here. Keep us posted.:welcome:
Kdog

[porqoui]

First time here .......

Morning Txbird. Just checking in to see how you are doing today. Even if you don't feel like posting just a quick Hi will make you feel better and connected to so many who care. And we'll feel better knowing you're still around.

Have a great af day and try not to think too far down the road. One day at a time works for many more things than just abstaining from AL. PPQ

[txbird]

First time here .......

Thank you for the welcome. I'm finding this site so helpful already.

[txbird]

First time here .......

Thanks again, PPQ.
I do want to live sober and I certainly want to live in peace. I do write to myself sort of, I keep a journal and have for years. I usually destroy it after a month or two so that there is no danger of anyone seeing it. I write so much about what's in my head, how I feel, what I want and what I don't want. And, it's funny, I was thinking just this morning about what I want - how I want to live - and it's a life with adventure and discovery. I want to be able to visit my family and my children. I want to enjoy this life and I don't want to drag myself through it anymore.
I'm depressed today. I didn't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go "out there" into the world at all. I don't want to drink right now but I am a little shaky. I drank on Friday night. Saturday I didn't feel that hungover but yesterday felt very much like a hangover. Now today, I'm feeling better physically but a little shaky. I've had 2 cups of coffee and that's my limit. Isn't it funny how I can easily limit my coffee because of the adverse reaction I get with caffeine but I don't limit my alcohol intake when that reaction is always more severe than just too much caffeine. Wow. I have a few errands to run today which won't take much time at all and the rest of the day is mine. The weather is lovely today and in the past I have been able to enjoy that. But not today. Today I will most likely just get myself together, go run my errands and come right back home to my sofa and my tv remote. That feels more safe to me. If I try to get out, enjoy the day, have this positive attitude that includes knowing all is well will only make me anxious and alcohol is an excellent anti anxiety for me. I seem to need more time to get over a drinking binge these days. It takes about 3 days. The first day I think I may still have enough alcohol in my system to not suffer much, the second day I'm really tired and hungry, the third day the depression sets in. After a week or so, I'm much, much better. I drank a bottle of wine not long ago and was "sick" for almost 4 days! The alcohol content is so much higher that I think I blacked out after my second glass.
I'm glad I'm sober today. I feel ok and I have the money and resources I need to complete my tasks for the day. That's good enough for me.
Thanks again - the support I'm getting here is invaluable and I am so very grateful to everyone.

[porqoui]

First time here .......

Hi Txbird....Good on you. At least you have a plan. Get yourself together and run some errands. That will get you up and out of the house...and out of yourself for a bit. For all you know when you get home your mood may have got lost along the way. Be good to yourself and take care. Will check in later... PPQ

[K9Lover]

First time here .......

txbird;1375819 wrote: I drink and forget it all and have a good time.

Hi Tx and welcome!

This sentence in your first post stood out to me. Are you REALLY having a good time when you drink? Because your following posts described things that seem pretty hellish. Alcohol causes (or at least contributes heavily to) anxiety and depression. You can live sober and in peace, but only after you get alcohol out of your life. I know it seems hard at first, but as you read around this website, you'll find MANY people that are succeeding daily in doing just that. Please stick close and keep posting. Remember, you are not alone in ANY of this...someone here can relate to anything you say.

Stay close and let us help you!

K9

[Pinecone]

First time here .......

Hi Txbird, it's nice that you are here. I just wanted to welcome you and give you some support. Your posts really touched me and made me remember how totally wretched drinking used to make me feel. It didn't matter to me at the time, because I kept doing it everyday! This community helped me a lot and I have learned so much about myself through sobriety. When I came on here, the commonality of experiences about drinking blew me away and it still does. I hope you stick around!:welcome:

[Kradle123]

First time here .......

Hi TxBird and :welcome:

So glad you found this Forum. It's pretty amazing. Anyway, the ALONE part is what gets me every time. But I finally figured out, as cliched as it sounds, that even when I am with people I can still be very much alone- big empty hole inside kind of alone...

I really started thinking about that because that was a deal breaker or me. That was always a reason to drink. When Im drinking I feel very connected, vital which is of course assinine : when we're drinking we are even more isolated! That selfish thing I'm afraid
So then I started to try and think about what absolutely makes me happy...really laugh out loud happy and for me it's kinda of dumb but I love to listen to old radio programs and doodle. I just do...no Idea why.

Then I thought about the people I'm with and I felt I had to kind of 'categories them: people I was with just because...people I was with because I had to be...people I was with because they helped me or I helped them and the last was the biggie: people who brought out the very best in me! Tuat is people who helped me say what I meant to say and feel smart, helpful. People who took my advise seriously and I them. It sounds stupid but it NEVER occured to me that I could actually find or cultivate people like that (lots of self loathing going on over here ) but to date I have found 3 people! And I am 50!
I don't feel bad about finding these gems later in life because they make me feel good about me especially when I feel anything but good about me. And I realized that I made them feel good about themselves too - That was huge for me.

I'm sorry to ramble but these topics, loneliness , friends, purpose- big hot topics for me.
Well, time to check homework. (i have three kids) I love times tables...really :H

Hugs,
:l