Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

[Oneredshoe]

Wide awake at 12:30.....woke up this am at 5:30. You would think I would have no problem falling asleep. What the heck?! So I guess I will jibber jabber on here, better than the alternative; drinking myself to pass out. Which is what I would normally do on a Thursday night. Still am learning how I used alcohol as an all around coping "medicine" upset....have 6 beers, stressed out have 12 beers, upset start with 6 beers and add 6 more, wake up with a hangover trying to piece the night together...pop some milk thistle, pray for the health of my liver and suck down 3 bloody Cesar's and top it off with 6 more beers oh what the heck having some fun now why not do a shot and a beer chaser. My oh my....looking back now taking 3 days off here and a week here or there telling myself I didn't have an issue with alcohol, telling myself that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink everyday. Who the heck was I trying to Kid? All the wasted nights with nothing to show for them except lost dignity, precious time.....health, wealth.....and all for what? I wasn't always like that....it progressively got worse after my Dad passed away 4 years ago. He had lung cancer, I watched him for 17 months fight tooth and nail swearing he was going to win his battle against cancer. When his time grew closer I went home to give him end of life care....I promised him I would so he could pass at home. This is the second time since he has been gone that I have actually cried about it sober....it hurts and feels pretty damn good all at the same time. Needed to get that off my chest.

[lolab]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

hey oneredshoe...I always say that rambling posts like that are always the most therapeutic for me...I usually start out just rambling but by the end I often have had some sort of epiphany.

I'm sorry about your dad...it is a good thing to deal with it sober - I think. I lost mine a loooong time ago, in the beginning of my drinking days actually - but I certainly drank my way through it. There are issues I'll probably never get resolved because I drank for almost 30 years afterward...but I lost my mom recently - since my last quit, actually...and it was hard - and I had so many confusing emotions - I still do - but I do feel like I am "dealing" with it, rather than just sweeping it under the rug....

Keep posting your random thoughts - it really really does help...:l

[Oneredshoe]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

Thanks Lolab,

I am sorry about your Mom. This may sound crazy but I am and have been at peace with his passing. I know in my heart he is in a better place and that he does watch over me everyday. It was watching him suffer that I have had a hard time dealing with. Dealing with emotions sober is a lot different than dealing with them drunk....they for me seem to hurt worse. Worth it though. I am on day 5. Whoa...next goal to quit smoking. I bought one last pack of cigarettes and am aiming for Monday to be my official quit date.
I Love rambling random thoughts.....

[lolab]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

nope it doesn't sound crazy to me at all - in fact - I actually said to people after my mom passed that I was happy for her. She didn't have to be limited by her broken down body any longer...it was a long time of suffering for her also - and we truly believe that they are both watching over us, too...:-)

since then, (feb) I've had lots of moments of guilt - about the relief that I felt - and also lots of sadness - that I was in a way happy she was gone - as the "finality" of it set in...I know I didn't work through all of these odd thoughts about my dad. I was just mad - and it gave me fuel to live the tortured drinking girl's life.

[Nelz]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

Oneredshoe;1377958 wrote: Thanks Lolab,

I am sorry about your Mom. This may sound crazy but I am and have been at peace with his passing. I know in my heart he is in a better place and that he does watch over me everyday. It was watching him suffer that I have had a hard time dealing with. Dealing with emotions sober is a lot different than dealing with them drunk....they for me seem to hurt worse. Worth it though. I am on day 5. Whoa...next goal to quit smoking. I bought one last pack of cigarettes and am aiming for Monday to be my official quit date.
I Love rambling random thoughts.....

Just stopped in here to offer some support.....wow, thats a pretty big undertaking doing AL and cigs at the same time...my hat is off to you, thats awesome.

And making it 5 days under such circumstances is REALLY amazing, you are ever so close to that first week...and IMO a HUGE milestone. So, keep it up, you should start to see some positive changes very soon

[kdog]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

Good Morning Red. Sorry you had a rough nights sleep, I know I did for the first 4 days or so, then slept like a baby. Last night was different though, couldn't sleep. UGH, oh well not hung over any way!
Sorry to hear about your father, I know that feeling well! I still have my dad but lost my sister a 1 1/2 year ago to breast cancer, then my SIL 1 year later to lung cancer, while getting my hair done for her funeral, (I know sad huh, gotta get my hair done WTF) My Best friend died. Like WTH! I used that for an excuse for way to long, there is nothing I can do about it, I miss them all, with all my heart, but its out of my hands and I realized, I want to live and enjoy my life while I am here, I have 2 beautiful grand children and another one on the way, I am not giving that up to AL. I some how got into a rut, I used to drink a few every evening then, it escalted to 6, then on and on until I was a shaking mess every morning! I am now on day 10, And pray every night I won't go back there! My kids have noticed the difference even in my voice. Stay strong Red a few days of no rest are worth it, and try to rest during the day if you can! Sorry I didn't mean to ramble at you, I rarely ever do, kind of felt good to get off my chest!
Feel free to ramble when ever you need if it makes you feel better, good luck and keep us posted!
Kdog

[kdog]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

PS wtg on day 5, keep on going, and good luck with the smoking, thats my next step too, but I want to get through this one first, Good for you for the courage of trying to do that!
Ok I must go out, but I will check on you later. Have a great day!
Kdog

[Oneredshoe]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

Nelz....thanks for the support. Need all I can get on this journey. Quiting both alcohol and cigs is very very important to me. I have a great support system here so I know in my heart I can do this! I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!!! Yeah for MWO!

[Oneredshoe]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

Lolab....

I think you can read my thoughts. When you wrote about the guilt about the relief you felt it struck a cord that has been hidden deep down inside of me. You see I have and still do feel that guilt over the relief that I felt when he finally passed. It was my Dads wish to pass at home and insurance wouldn't cover 24 hour in home hospice care, it only allowed 1 visit per day with 24 hour phone assistance. So my Mom and I decided that we would give him end of life care ourselves. My Dad had lung cancer...it was explained to me by the hospice nurse that towards the end their lungs fill with fluid and they basically drown....I am sure that the was the best way she could explain it to a non medical person. When my Dad felt his time was very near he requested to be put into his bed....I knew this was it for he had avoided that bed like the plague. My Mom and my Grandma (Dads Mom) bickering back and forth as to who was going to sit next to him, both being down right nasty to each other and trying to put me in the middle. My husband screaming at me over the phone drunk because I wasn't always available for him to talk to, to console him. My Mom yelling at me for not putting something back in the proper spot, my Grandma complaining to me that my Mom wasnt allowing her the time she needed with my Dad. Oh my gosh I was getting it from all angles. I hadn't slept in days because I had to administer all kinds of medication every hour on the hour....my Mom in complete and utter panic. My sisters accusing me of being a heartless witch for administering the medications to make him comfortable telling me that I was basically killing my Dad....kicked them out of the house! All the while I couldn't figure out what he was hanging on for until now....the last day of my Dads life I broke down while showering. Emotionally and physically exhausted I prayed for my Uncle John to help my Dad find his way, that I just couldn't take it anymore. I begged God to please please take my Dad.....I got out of the shower, told my Mom and my Grandma that I was making them breakfast and that they were going to eat and that they were going to stop fighting. We ate....hospice nurse came while I was wiping my Dads face, with his head in my hands he made his final journey. It was a beautiful day I had never seen so many birds at my parents house, all chirping and singing....I can't put into words the relief that I felt. I have felt guilty everyday for the feeling of relief that I had that it was just finally over. My one sister never showed up for the funeral and hasn't talked to me since....my Grandma passed 6 months after my Dad, and my Mom is still trying to put her life together. As for me I chose to drink my guilt and my pain away. There it is I for the first time said it all out loud. What a relief. My Mom said that my Dad always knew I would be the one to come home and take care of him....said I was stronger than I realized. He made a build a bear with a voice recording in it for me before he passed...in his message he thanked me for everything I had done for him in the past and for everything that I would do for him in the future and that he loved me from the bottome of his heart. Didn't figure out what he meant by his message until now. The clear thinking of sobriety.....amazing! Sorry for the extremely long ramble.

[K9Lover]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

Hi Red,

I recently quit smoking...so when you're ready to quit, we can encourage each other okay? There's a thread that is very old...I think it was started about 2 years ago, One2Many started it, and she has been smoke free ever since...me, not so much! Only 19 days so far, but I still post on that thread to keep myself accountable. Here is the link:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...-71-42311.html

Post there with me, when you're ready! Like Nelz said, it's a big undertaking to quit 2 addictions at once, so I am very proud of you!

Keep posting!!

xoxo
K9

[Oneredshoe]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

K9Lover....

"Only 19 days" you say....I think 19 days is AMAZING!!!!!!! A big accomplishment in my opinion! I will definitely check out the link....see you there on Monday, if not sooner.

[kdog]

Can't sleep....anyone else awake?

Red, Sorry to hear your family wasn't there for you. I can totally relate to that as well, Although I don't understand it myself, I have two siblings that refuse to speak to each other and it is very sad. Your story is very sad, but beautiful in the sense that you were there for him and had the courage to take resposiblity for what NEEDED to be done! You should never feel guilty about that, I hope one of my daughters does the same for me some day if I should ever need it! Take care, and Good luck with your journey! Leave the guilt at the front door, and hope the wind blows it away!
Kdog:l