Help - terrified.

[Deathless]

I'm 47. I've been drinking heavily my entire adult life. I'm basically healthy but it's always been a problem. I needed something to make me stop. That came along 13 years ago when I met my beautiful wife. We married and very quickly had a lovely little baby boy. My wife came from a family that didn't drink at all, unlike my Irish Catholic mob, who always loved to throw the bottle over. What my wife did for me was to temper it - I didn't want to drink when I was with her. But those who know what marriage is like will be familiar with how those early things fade, irrespective of whether love does or not. I began to drink again and she hated it. For 12 years we struggled - in my mind I wasn't drinking that much (certainly not like I used to anyway), perhaps once or twice a month, but it scared her, more than I knew, it seemed. Something always bad happened - I'd lose keys or money or she'd find me asleep on the doorstep. We had a daughter four years ago and I cleaned up again for a bit, but not for long. To cut a very long story short, I've now lost them all - the love of my life and my little chickens too. We seperated one year ago and she repeatedly expresseda a desire to reconcile if I just cleaned up my act, but being away from them made me drink worse. She now has someone new - a nice guy who she always deserved. I'm devasted, drinking every morning and every night. I work from home and everything's falling apart. I read someone else on here saying that they weren't suicidal but that the idea of dying in sleep doesn't seem so bad. That's me. I'm actually hoping I get cancer or murdered. I cannot stop drinking no matter how hard I try - the withdrawals are terrible. And anyway, there seems nothing to live for - I've lost everything I loved about my life. Friends keep saying: "You'll find love again", but why? Why would I want to hurt another person like I did my wife? She was so, so lovely, now she's gone and hurt by my impact on her life. I don't really know exactly why I'm writing this - I don't expect anyone to perform magic. I'm just very, very frightened and sad and need someone who knows to know.

[JackieClaire]

Help - terrified.

:welcome: Deathless,

Ah hun, the withdrawals are a dreadful thing to go through, believe you me I've been through them. The good news is you can get help. I had to go through a medical de-tox using valium (diazapam) to get me AF but there's also the tapering method.

Have a look through the link below.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...ggy-34156.html

And there's the tool box. Full of good advice on getting and staying sober

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

Keep reading, keep posting and settle in. Glad you found us.

J x
:l

[dixon]

Help - terrified.

Deathless;1378609 wrote: I'm 47. I've been drinking heavily my entire adult life. I'm basically healthy but it's always been a problem. I needed something to make me stop. That came along 13 years ago when I met my beautiful wife. We married and very quickly had a lovely little baby boy. My wife came from a family that didn't drink at all, unlike my Irish Catholic mob, who always loved to throw the bottle over. What my wife did for me was to temper it - I didn't want to drink when I was with her. But those who know what marriage is like will be familiar with how those early things fade, irrespective of whether love does or not. I began to drink again and she hated it. For 12 years we struggled - in my mind I wasn't drinking that much (certainly not like I used to anyway), perhaps once or twice a month, but it scared her, more than I knew, it seemed. Something always bad happened - I'd lose keys or money or she'd find me asleep on the doorstep. We had a daughter four years ago and I cleaned up again for a bit, but not for long. To cut a very long story short, I've now lost them all - the love of my life and my little chickens too. We seperated one year ago and she repeatedly expresseda a desire to reconcile if I just cleaned up my act, but being away from them made me drink worse. She now has someone new - a nice guy who she always deserved. I'm devasted, drinking every morning and every night. I work from home and everything's falling apart. I read someone else on here saying that they weren't suicidal but that the idea of dying in sleep doesn't seem so bad. That's me. I'm actually hoping I get cancer or murdered. I cannot stop drinking no matter how hard I try - the withdrawals are terrible. And anyway, there seems nothing to live for - I've lost everything I loved about my life. Friends keep saying: "You'll find love again", but why? Why would I want to hurt another person like I did my wife? She was so, so lovely, now she's gone and hurt by my impact on her life. I don't really know exactly why I'm writing this - I don't expect anyone to perform magic. I'm just very, very frightened and sad and need someone who knows to know.

To be honest, I am ditto with you ,everythings are lost and family too.Living alone in abroad so dont have any extended family to share with .I never had a thought that I would live a life without AL but now living for more than 4 months AF life .I have done it when I came in here .I tried and failed a couple of times but now I hate AL and do not have any craving.
I totally agree with Jackie, what he says .
KKep posting here,read out TOOL box and subscribe so that any new updates in tool box is directed to your mail box.
You can do for sure !
Dix

[FreeFly]

Help - terrified.

Oh Deathless, you?ve brought tears to my ears. I so feel for you. I?m glad you?ve found this place and I hope it can be the beginning of getting your life back. I know you can?t see any light at the end of the tunnel just now, but there ALWAYS is a chink of light. We just have to find it, hold on to it and move ever closer to it. Just as your life descended it can come up again, and you truly don?t know what?s around the corner. I?m not saying you?ll get your wife back, not saying you won?t either, but you certainly can have a wonderful relationship with your children. Your wife sounds like a good lady and obviously wants what?s best for you. Perhaps start with being a little gentle with yourself and stick close here - there are so many people who?ll be able to help you. My heart goes out to you. Wishing you love and strength :l

[Oneredshoe]

Help - terrified.

Oh Deathless....

You have brought tears to my eyes as well. I am a newbie so I don't have the knowledge and experience like others here do. What I can tell you is that you have come to the right place!!!! There is a wealth of support here and knowledge here. Have faith, hope, and courage in yourself and stick close to this place. I will be home all night long if you want to talk just send me a message. In the mean time take care of you!!!!!!!

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

Hi Deathless. I'm 47 too and started drinking as a teen. But truly steady drinking since my mid-20s. And the last 10 years or so were mostly black-out drunk nights. And now I'm 7 months sober. And I love my AF life and I don't miss booze.

You say that you can't quit drinking no matter how hard you try, but you know that's not true. You can stop drinking. You stopped drinking when you got married. You stopped drinking when your daughter was born. And right now if someone told you that your daughter would drop dead if you ever took another drink I bet you wouldn't drink again. It is possible. It just depends on how badly you want it.

Is it hard? Yes. If the withdrawals are that bad then talk to your doctor. Go to detox. It is possible if you want it. And there are ways to make it easier. That's what MWO is all about. Supplements, prescription meds, hypnosis, therapy, books, exercise; lots of tools out there. You can read about them here and decide what "tools" you'll use in your toolbox.

You are an addict, just as if you were smoking crack or using heroin. Alcohol isn't different because it's legal. It's a drug. And there is a way out. Do you want it?

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

Thank you, everyone. Just these few words have been a big help - it's so nice to know there are people who are eloquent and not insane who have been where I am, which is day zero-minus (I know you've all been there. I'll come back here every day and night and work things out with what you all have here. And yes, FlyAway, I do want it - the wise part of me who has been with me since I was a child wants it, and Veronica's father wants it desperately. But there is a weak side of me that has been winning lately - that self-pitying, self-loathing, self-everything side. I want to kill that SOB. I really do.

[DolphinLover]

Help - terrified.

47 also...When I decided (only 4 days now) to stop, the last few days of drinking, each time I took a sip, I really thought how it felt in my stomach, burned a little, how I was really just drinking poison. Why was I drinking poison? By the third day, I just did not have the desire to continue to poison myself.
I am so sorry for all you have lost. But, you, your life, is special and worth living. You have children that will need you. Even if they are not with you right now, they will always want and love their Daddy. Please stay strong and don't give up! The people in this community are wonderful and I believe will be here to support you!

[cpn1004]

Help - terrified.

Deathless, it has been a long time since I felt like you do, but I did and many of us here have had those feelings. It can get better, it is not easy but many of us here have come through the fog to the other side.
In my opinion, if you want to stop drinking, you have got to do if for yourself. I hope you find some help.

[kdog]

Help - terrified.

Hello deathless, and welcome to MWO, As I am sure you've already read, a lot of us have been there, I tried for many years to quit, NEVER thought I could do it, but I did! Only 11 days sober, but wow what a difference that is! Your life is precious and you do need to be there for your children, and who knows what else good may come out of getting rid of the demon AL! I went through the shakes for many days:welcome:, I swear my bank where I make my car payment to must think I am 80 years old for the way I wrote those checks, and I am 48! I don't shake anymore, and people comment on how there is just someting different about the way I look. NO it wasn't easy, but damn it I wanted my family to love and trust me again, because I failed them in many ways, some small, but not showing up to funtions cause I was drunk, didn't want me to babysit my grandkids, cause "she' might be drinking again etc etc... I am now working on getting that trust back, and so can you.
Good luck on your journey! I wish you well, and keep us posted!:welcome:
Kdog

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

This is part of a post I made to another newbie here a few months ago. The advice is the same:

I wanted to reach out to you and tell you what a brave thing you did by posting on MWO. There is such huge shame that comes with the label "alcoholic" that people deny, deny, deny they have a problem. I personally don't believe in the term "alcoholic" anymore than I believe that someone who was once addicted to cigarettes is a cigarette addict 20 years after quitting. The term itself is a stumbling block that stops people from seeking help or treatment until things get really out of hand. Alcohol is the only drug that people are ashamed to admit to NOT using. Clearly if you tell people that you don't drink you must have a problem! The backward thinking about alcohol addiction is insane!

I am a 47-year-old female who has been drinking steadily and heavily for 20 years. The last 12-15 years have been mostly blackout drunks nearly every night of the week. I began drinking and loving it because it made me talkative and outgoing and funny compared to my usual reserved manner, yet I ended up drinking at home alone practically every night and filled with self-loathing. Pretty much the exact opposite of why I started in the first place. I am now approaching 6 months alcohol free and I'm okay with being my old reserved self again. What was wrong with "me" in the first place?

The disgust and shame you feel now is/was universal to the users of this site. I can guarantee you that your most horrible alcohol related story will be met with understanding and lots of "I did that too" posts and then a few more posts that make you say WOW! DUIs, fistfights, jail time, cheating on spouses, etc. You will read it all here and you won't be met with judgment, just lots of understanding.

You will hear talk about making a "plan" here and using the Toolbox. A plan is made up of "tools" that will help you in your journey to sobriety. There are ways to make this easier. Willpower is not enough. The MWO book has a plan to follow. You can buy the MWO book at this site or at Amazon. I haven't read it personally. But it involves dietary supplements such as kudzu and L-glutamine which you can buy at a health food store, hypnosis CDs, prescription meds if you choose, meditation, exercise, etc. There are some helpful books too. I personally loved Jason Vale's Kick The Drink Easily. Others liked Alan Carr's The Easy Way to Quit Drinking. Other books are mentioned in the book section of this site. The Toolbox is a stickied post at the top of the Monthly Abstinence section of the site. It is a post devoted to tools which other members found helpful in their journey. You need to decide what tools you are going to use. Usually a multi-tiered plan is best. Don't leave anything to chance.

Finally if you have a "witching hour" or a drinking place, a time or place that triggers drinking thoughts in you, you should try to change up your routine. If coming home from work is your trigger, then go to the gym or go for a walk or the library or just something different. If cooking dinner is your trigger then order takeout or have your spouse cook or do anything you can to avoid the trigger. Sometimes just sipping a nonalcoholic drink is enough to satisfy the craving. But you must be prepared.

If you have a craving know that it's just your mind talking to you and that it will pass. Think to the future and imagine waking up tomorrow morning with your heart racing and your body overheated and having cotton mouth. And you know you'll be filled with self-loathing. That temporary relief you'll get from drinking won't be worth it. Think in the long term, not the short.

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

And here is a link to the Tool Box: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

[FreeFly]

Help - terrified.

Great post FlyAway, I remember it first time round and it's even better on the second.

As for this bit...

I am a 47-year-old female who has been drinking steadily and heavily for 20 years. The last 12-15 years have been mostly blackout drunks nearly every night of the week. I began drinking and loving it because it made me talkative and outgoing and funny compared to my usual reserved manner, yet I ended up drinking at home alone practically every night and filled with self-loathing. Pretty much the exact opposite of why I started in the first place. I'm okay with being my old reserved self again. What was wrong with "me" in the first place?

well, aside from a little edit we share more than just a syllable!

[Greenlee]

Help - terrified.

I really understand your post. I was married 20 years to a man that just refused to quit drinking. We had two beautiful children that didn't even want to be around him. I didn't drink that much. Some occasional wine. Well short story... I kicked him out and he got even worse. Ironically, through the stress of divorce I started turning to wine instead of friends. But, I hope this is some encouragement... he did get some help and is starting to make a turn for the better. We are finally friends again and he is starting to be part of our childrens lives again. So even if you cannot get your wife back, get help and get healthy so you can resume a relationship with her and your children. I know it's hard. But the payoff is huge. The friendship is a wonderful thing, even if the marriage didn't work out. It's a start. Please don't think its the end. I've been there!

[K9Lover]

Help - terrified.

Welcome Deathless,

Thank you for sharing your story, I know it's not easy. I appreciate your honesty though. I found that I couldn't get sober until I was completely honest with myself...it took a while, and many, many day 1's. Will it happen overnight? No, but then again you didn't get to this point overnight either. It will take time, so please be patient with yourself. Take it one day, one hour, one minute or one second at a time. Stick close to us, you'll find the stories and experiences here will help you become stronger.

Please keep posting and let us share on your journey. You will never regret quitting.

K9