Help - terrified.

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

I've started

Stopped drinking last night. Have taken a few Vals to stop the horrible shakes. Have also taken Campral, which was prescribed for me. I think I've drunk about 5 litres of water in the last few hours - I'm so thirsty. It's 7 in the morning here where I live - by now, I've usually had a few wines and am feeling alcoholically calm and philosophical about everything. Not today. There are so many bills I can't pay and obligations I haven't met that I now have to front up for. I can't stop crying and worrying and feeling sorry for myself about my marriage and jealous that she's moved along with someone else. That's what's tough about day one when you've also had a relationship crash, I guess. I feel like I'm at the bottom of Olympus Mons - it seems easier to stay here than to start the longest climb in the solar system. But I know if I stay here, I'll die here.
Sorry this is all so self absorbed and dismal. I see others on here who seem almost delirious with joy on Day 1 - I just wouldn't be honest if I emulated them today.

[Kradle123]

Help - terrified.

Hi Deathless:

Don't forget to lemon in your 5 liters of water.

Everyone is here for you. Please don't worry AT ALL about sounding self absorbed- that's the only way to look at what's happening to yourself so it's necessary right now.

I know the situation with your wife feels awful. I wish I had the magic words to take that pain away. Time...just time...

But again, you're not alone so slice up some lemon and have fun at work. :h

:l

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

Deathless;1379520 wrote: Stopped drinking last night. Have taken a few Vals to stop the horrible shakes. Have also taken Campral, which was prescribed for me. I think I've drunk about 5 litres of water in the last few hours - I'm so thirsty. It's 7 in the morning here where I live - by now, I've usually had a few wines and am feeling alcoholically calm and philosophical about everything. Not today. There are so many bills I can't pay and obligations I haven't met that I now have to front up for. I can't stop crying and worrying and feeling sorry for myself about my marriage and jealous that she's moved along with someone else. That's what's tough about day one when you've also had a relationship crash, I guess. I feel like I'm at the bottom of Olympus Mons - it seems easier to stay here than to start the longest climb in the solar system. But I know if I stay here, I'll die here.
Sorry this is all so self absorbed and dismal. I see others on here who seem almost delirious with joy on Day 1 - I just wouldn't be honest if I emulated them today.

I'm glad to see you posting. I think that there are very few who are truly joyful on Day 1. Sometimes there is an embarrassing or tragic event in a person's life and they'll come in here filled with desire to quit. They'll feel excited and determined and initially find it somewhat easy being driven by their embarrassment or fear. But once those initial emotions of shame and fear start to fade, staying sober seems to get harder. The alcohol voice starts telling you that things weren't really that bad. That it's been a couple weeks, surely you've got this under control.

Expect your emotions to be in flux for a while. There are probably a lot of things that you've avoided dealing with from an emotional level by drinking. Expect your sleep to be screwed up for a while. Your body has gotten used to ingesting poison (as much as it can) and now it will feel off thinking to itself, "Where in the hell is my poison? Something is wrong." But it all will get better if you stay sober. The only way it can get better is to stay sober.

You are going to get overwhelmed if you look at all of your bills and obligations and your marriage and your kids and your... Stop and get through this hour. And post. Then get through the next hour. And check in and let us know how it's going. Go outside and walk. And check in again. You can worry about all of the other stuff later. Right now you've got one job to do. Move your body when you're craving. Do something physical. This will be so much easier in a couple days, but you have to hang tough to get there.

[Zax]

Help - terrified.

Also dont forget alot of people drink because of anxiety. Those initial few months its great! It's like you finally found the off switch to your brain. Then slowly it degrades and next thing you know your head is literally SPINNING and wont SHUTUP. It's a vicious circle. If it goes on long enough you even forget what "normal" feels like. Stick with it and in a few weeks i guarantee you'll have a whole new perspective on life. My wife left me too, i've never cried before in my life. I cried for a month straight with full on panic attacks (couldnt breath, ect). I have no advice than to say do your best to focus on yourself. For me the judgemental attitude people threw my way made things worse. The only thing i can tell you is that YOU ARE NOT BROKEN and YOU CAN GET OVER THIS. This forum is testament to that.

[lolab]

Help - terrified.

Hi deathless...you HAVE to be self absorbed in the beginning. I think you'll set yourself up to fail if you try to tackle or even think too much about all the "other" things going on in your life (besides getting sober) right now. You'll be able to figure out a plan to deal with those things only after you see the world without the depressing haze of alcohol...and you will. Please stay determined to give yourself some alcohol free time...give it a week - a goal - and see how differently you view things.

I know my day one(s) were never fun. Last February when I first seriously tried to quit, I started the day at midnight - up - frantically out of alcohol - racing heart - shaking hands - throwing up - searching the computer as it was my only source for help. I sat on the couch in the dark alone - hoping I would still be around to see the light of day. After that, I fought and fought and went through so many ups and downs - emotions all over the place - often thought I couldn't do it....I drove to the store umpteen times to buy alcohol, and somehow talked myself out of it on the way or when I got there. This is no piece of cake - but I do know that once you push through and come out the other side, the world looks entirely different. You see the hope and the possibilities all around - they were there before but alcohol didn't let me see them......

thinking of you.....:l

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

OK. Day 2 and I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm still shaking terribly but Vals are soothing that - I'm worried about them, though, as I don't want to replace one addiction with another. But I'll deal with that later. I've got work to do and I'm doing it - I'm a writer. I write better when I'm sober. But, fuck, it's tough at the moment (excuse my language). Any tips on how to sleep? I can't seem to sleep for much more than a few hours.

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

Wow! I thought I was going to have to give up on you!

I'm so proud of you for making it to Day 2! I know it's tough, but you feel better today and you'll feel even better tomorrow. Sleep for a few hours whenever you can. It will eventually readjust, but give it some time. I think it took me a few weeks before I was sleeping somewhat normally. And I still take melatonin to help me sleep. I wouldn't worry at this point about the Valium. Give it a week or two and you'll be able to go without. When you start craving, think about waking up tomorrow and how shitty you'll feel if you drank but how good you'll feel if you stay sober. It's going to get better and better. This is the path that will lead you to being a strong presence in your children's lives.

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

Thanks, FlyAway. I won't pretend that things are great today because, frankly, they're awful - just not as awful as yesterday. Interestingly, my mife called me this morning and we spoke for 40 minutes - didn't mention her new guy or anything like that, we just talked. I actually couldn't get her off the phone. She always said she could tell I'd been drinking even through my text messages (ha ha), so she probably knew I was sober. I haven't told her what I'm doing here because she has heard so many promises from me she wouldn't trust it, and that, I think, would make me weaker. I can't pretend I'm enjoying this - I want to get drunk so badly. But I'm looking forward to tomorrow being better than today, and the day after that. And I am excited about next week. If I can make it there, I'm sure I'll be much happier.

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

I'm feeling terrible guilt today - guilt about everyone I've let down, hurt, or damaged through my drinking. When I drink, I feel like "Damn it - I'm an artist. That's the way life rolls". It's a much more palatable thought. But it's selfish, and when I'm sober I'm crushed by the selfishness of it. I hate myself when I'm sober. I love and forgive myself when I'm drunk. It's a hard day today.

[cpn1004]

Help - terrified.

it will get better

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

Deathless;1380045 wrote: I'm feeling terrible guilt today - guilt about everyone I've let down, hurt, or damaged through my drinking. When I drink, I feel like "Damn it - I'm an artist. That's the way life rolls". It's a much more palatable thought. But it's selfish, and when I'm sober I'm crushed by the selfishness of it. I hate myself when I'm sober. I love and forgive myself when I'm drunk. It's a hard day today.

I think you've got this backwards. "I hate myself when I'm sober." What is it that you hate? You hate how you've acted when you were drunk, right? You hate how selfishly you've acted to your wife and kids when you were drunk. Being sober gives you time to consider what you did when you were drunk. Do you really love yourself when you're drunk? Or do you just not care about the hurt?

Focusing on the past is a waste of time unless you're trying to learn from it. If you are living in the past, who is living in today? Today is all there is. What is one small thing you can do today to make someone happy? What is one small thing you can do today to make this world a better place? A smile, a kind word, a card to a loved one, it could be anything. Do one small thing today to make yourself proud. Nothing monumental, but something positive. Create a history that makes you happy to reflect upon.

Btw, you say you're an artist. What is your medium?

[Kradle123]

Help - terrified.

One thing that helps me when I get in that mind set which thankfully is getting less and less with 4 months under me is to think of the artists or the people that fucked up too and got thru and then prospered: I can name a few off my head: Carrie Fisher (she has a fun book called Wishful Drinking); Steven King; Anne Lamott; The Guy who played Sahid in LOST, my very best friend who lost everything including her kids and turned it all around in 2 years... :h

I can name others that never got out from under and I'm sure you can too but why bother? They bring me down... :upset: Okay...John Belushi

This will get better. Promise.

:l

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

Kradle123;1380071 wrote: One thing that helps me when I get in that mind set which thankfully is getting less and less with 4 months under me is to think of the artists or the people that fucked up too and got thru and then prospered: I can name a few off my head: Carrie Fisher (she has a fun book called Wishful Drinking); Steven King; Anne Lamott; The Guy who played Sahid in LOST, my very best friend who lost everything including her kids and turned it all around in 2 years... :h

I can name others that never got out from under and I'm sure you can too but why bother? They bring me down... :upset: Okay...John Belushi

This will get better. Promise.

:l

Kradle! You've got 3+ months now? :yay:

[Kradle123]

Help - terrified.

Hi Fly:

Well I really started May 20th and then I had one slip so I reset at June 17th but then I thought I had almost a month so...I tack it on. Makes me feel better!

:l

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

I screwed up. I got three days in and lost the fight. I'm back here because I want you to know I want it. I have to try again tomorrow. Thank you for your support.