Help - terrified.

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

Great job Deathless. Don't worry about the appetite, don't worry about the sleep. It will all come in time. This is the worst part and in a couple more days it will get a bit easier. How is the exercising going?

[FlyAway]

Help - terrified.

Dritzz;1382917 wrote: new here. can relate to so many of these personal stories. especially your loss and sadness deathless. i lost my mother to parkinson's after a terribly hard to deal with decline of her health. i'd always been a binge drinker since teenage years. her death threw me over the edge into complete escapism. i would drink everyday and hide the bottles when they were empty. my self loathing and shame escalated.
i lost the love of my life and step child. my home. self respect. friends.
i have nothing to gain from drinking, yet i can't stop. i'm a highly logical person but i get into a situation with alcohol and if i don't have limits (like having to work the next day) i binge.
recently, i went to an event i had been looking forward to for months. i binged, drunk fell and smashed my face. i'm healing quickly, but this was my wake up call. i ruined the entire event for my friends as well. the absolute remorse and shame is overwhelming.
i am hopeful that this is truly a solid step in the direction i need to go. thanks for your courage to post.

Hi Dritzz, welcome to MWO. Please go back and read Deathless' thread from the beginning if you haven't already and read all of the advice given to him. There are ways to make this easier on yourself; tools you need to add to your toolbox. Willpower is not enough to get you through this.

My mom has Parkinsons too and has been in a steady decline. We took care of her for years along with working full time until she had a couple falls and now can no longer walk. It's tough to watch our parents, who were as mighty as gods in our youth, go through this sad evolution.

I'll suggest to you as I did to Deathless to read Jason Vale's book Kick The Drink Easily. It helped me immensely with the psychological part of this addiction.

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

FlyAway;1383030 wrote: Great job Deathless. Don't worry about the appetite, don't worry about the sleep. It will all come in time. This is the worst part and in a couple more days it will get a bit easier. How is the exercising going?

The exercising is...light. I'm capable of much better but just trying not to push things. What's worrying me most is my financial situation. I'm posting a new thread on that shortly as I don't see that spoken of very much in here, and it's an issue I feel should be addressed - certainly in my case. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

Day 4, morning: feeling much better not shaking near as as much - just the occassional "horror thrill". But last night...the dreams!!! I can remember about 10 or 15 but there must have been hundreds, little horror movies, all of them, and frighteningly vivid, featuring faces I have never seen but which were rendered so perfectly - features so unique and realistic - that I think I'll never forget them. The scenarios were things I don't even think, and doubtless would have never thought of. And, of course, whichever a**hole was directing these little one-minute monstrosities (I call him AL Hitchcock) couldn't resist but to cast my wife and her new man as the stars of a short but brutal 'adults only' vignette, so today I've got that in my head, thank you very much. The good news is I feel much stronger about this. I'm getting a clear picture in my head of the man I want to be in one month's time; fit, sharp, impressive - not wounded anymore, but wearing the character that wounds leave behind. Interestingly, too, the shame and fear of yesterday has been replaced by a kind of disbelief - a "WTF!" about what I've been doing all year. All I had to do this year is NOT drink and my entire life would be charming right now, and the fact I couldn't manage to simply NOT do something strikes me today as completely unfathomable. I think this is a good sign. It shows that, even after a few days, I'm beginning to view my drinking as an abberation of the past, something that is a tiny bit distant now, but even that small distance is making me see it as something that isn't an essential part of me - something that doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong - I'm not feeling at all cocky. I've stopped drinking many, many times before and know confidence can be my worst enemy - one of Al's spies. But I'm on my way, I reckon.
I'm going for a walk. Then I'm on the phone to my creditors - ouch. I hope they're in better moods than me. Good morning FlyAway, Kradle, K9...everyone. Stay close. I need you guys.

[Slaythefear]

Help - terrified.

Deathless;1378680 wrote: Thank you, everyone. Just these few words have been a big help - it's so nice to know there are people who are eloquent and not insane who have been where I am, which is day zero-minus (I know you've all been there. I'll come back here every day and night and work things out with what you all have here. And yes, FlyAway, I do want it - the wise part of me who has been with me since I was a child wants it, and Veronica's father wants it desperately. But there is a weak side of me that has been winning lately - that self-pitying, self-loathing, self-everything side. I want to kill that SOB. I really do.

Hi Deathless. I just started reading the beginning of this thread and noted your "I want to kill that SOB comment". GRAB THAT THOUGHT and run with it. That was a real help for me and getting to that point where I was angry at the loss of control and what it was doing to me and others around me. IMO, it's a good place to be because you start seeing AL your friend as AL your enemy and YOU need to fight it as such. Never allow it to convince you it is your friend again. That jumped out to me and K9 and I both had a comment on another thread today regarding that. Here is the copy and paste:

[quote=K9Lover;1383112]Hi everyone!

Ok Day 2-ers....lets do this ok? I know it's hard, but it CAN be done. Nothing worth having is easy, so view it as a challenge and know you can succeed. When I finally quit smoking (31 days ago...woot!), I was PISSED at cigarettes, I thought "How dare you control me?? Who the hell do you think you are?"....when I got that attitude, it was so much easier...instead of longing for a cigarette, I viewed it as my enemy. You can do that with alcohol too....instead of "I CAN'T ever drink again", say "I don't HAVE to ever drink again, or feel this way again"...view it as being free instead of deprived.

Remember, a craving will never last as long as a hangover, and you will NEVER wake up in the morning wishing you'd gotten drunk the night before.

Stick close to us....we can help, we've been there and you are NOT alone!



I'm with you on this K9. That's how I approached AL as enemy number one. I was angry and said, 'hell no, you aren't going to win this battle you SOB!!!! I even envisioned fighting scenarios or visuals. I would pull out my sword and slice right through the craving with vengeful attitude. It worked for me. It took the glamor or deprivation out of the picture and turned it into the ugly beast it is. I still see it as the adversary and actually tell it to go to hell when it tries to establish a seat in my head. I don't advocate hatred, but for a destructive poison like this, I certainly will. Treat it with the respect it deserves...none! Maybe my imagination is a bit lively, but it really helped me get through those first weeks. It creates a sense of empowerment and control. Much of this battle will be in the mind, so find what works and use it. I posted this quote today. I think it is applicable to making the decision and then moving forcefully to accomplish it.

?You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.?

Anthony Robbins

Battle stations!


:welcome::l

[pixie]

Help - terrified.

Hi Deathless

You are sounding strong. Sorry to hear about the dreams, but the fact that you're dreaming means you're getting a good type of sleep, which is good for your healing body.

The shift in thinking is key - as Slay said hold onto the anger towards AL. It needs to remain an enemy if you want to fulfill that vision of yourself in a month.

Best wishes, and good luck with the creditors. Just remember that it's in their best interests to work with you.

[Slaythefear]

Help - terrified.

[QUOTE=Next, please;1381940]
I'm looking at it as learning to walk. Not that there's any memory of that, but I know it was a part of MY life. So, I'm trying incorporate that "try again....one more step this time" encouragement, hoping one day I will say, "HEY! Look at me! I'm walking!"


I'll post something from the Newbies nest here that flows with what you stated here, Next Please, which I think is appropriate to you and deathless.

"Congrats to all the newbies on whatever day you are on. The fact that you are trying and acknowledging the problem is the first step. Each step you take will help you to believe you can cross the pond and get to the other side. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! Keep telling yourself YOU can do it and YOU are worth it. Life is better better on the other side of the pond because you can make it better with the change instead of just sitting still and stagnating in self pity and unhappiness. You will earn self respect and confidence and that is so worth it.

"You can't cross a sea by merely staring into the water." ~Rabindranath Fagore~

Don't beat yourself up and drink more when you fail. Find the pot hole that made you stumble and walk around it. There is a choice; there is a way."


Hopefully, you are both reading the Newbies nest, but if not, I carried it over here.

:l

[Slaythefear]

Help - terrified.

Deathless;1382079 wrote: Hard day. Had to write something this morning and could barely touch the keys - took me about an hour to type so much as a sentence. Shakes, anxiety, shame, worry. I had a friend who died not long ago who had been sober - booze, drugs, cigarettes, everything - for 15 years. I'll never forget him saying to me: "I'ts funny how you're not embarrassed to be seen asleep in a gutter, or feel shame that you fell asleep with your face in a bowl of spaghetti, but you're ashamed of becoming sober, or telling people you how you have a problem when chances are they've known for years." How true.

When you come clean with yourself and others and slay the fear of rejection, it's actually very freeing. Believe me, I know. It was obvious to everyone I had a drinking problem, but I was too embarrassed and afraid of the judgement to admit it and yet I was already under the judgement I was fearing. It's a prison. Break free and feel how great you will feel about YOURSELF. I believe others will ultimately respect you for it even if they are still hiding for cover with their own problem.


I've posted a few posts to you on this thread in a row as I can feel your pain. Know you are not isolated in your fears and troubles. You have people hear who know the truth behind this craziness. Grab a hold of the control lever. You won't regret it. You'll be in better shape to tackle those other problems with real solutions which may be tough, but at least you'll be moving forward and not sitting in a dark hole.

Love,

Slay

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

Slaythefear;1383330 wrote: When you come clean with yourself and others and slay the fear of rejection, it's actually very freeing. Believe me, I know. It was obvious to everyone I had a drinking problem, but I was too embarrassed and afraid of the judgement to admit it and yet I was already under the judgement I was fearing. It's a prison. Break free and feel how great you will feel about YOURSELF. I believe others will ultimately respect you for it even if they are still hiding for cover with their own problem.


I've posted a few posts to you on this thread in a row as I can feel your pain. Know you are not isolated in your fears and troubles. You have people hear who know the truth behind this craziness. Grab a hold of the control lever. You won't regret it. You'll be in better shape to tackle those other problems with real solutions which may be tough, but at least you'll be moving forward and not sitting in a dark hole.

Love,

Slay

Thanks, mate. It's been good reading your posts. It's not a particularly great day in my life today - compared to all the good ones, in fact, it sucks hard - but it's certainly the best day of the last few weeks. There's a glimmer of hope.

[Slaythefear]

Help - terrified.

Deathless;1383346 wrote: Thanks, mate. It's been good reading your posts. It's not a particularly great day in my life today - compared to all the good ones, in fact, it sucks hard - but it's certainly the best day of the last few weeks. There's a glimmer of hope.

Keep going and that glimmer of hope will grow and grow. Of course you'll have bad days, but you're on the case and working it now, so in time there will be better days. It's just you can't see over the hill just yet.

"Hope only dies when you let it." ~me~ Don't give up!

:l

[Deathless]

Help - terrified.

Day five and I'm feeling great about being AF, and very confident about the future there. Unhappily, there are some other things going on in my life which those who have read from the beginning of this thread will be able to imagine, so I won't bore you all with those details. Interestingly, though, yesterday, while being painful emotionally, felt easier to cope with - I felt the pain running through me very cleanly and, for the first time, found myself letting go and knowing it would pass one day. That's new. Unhappily again, however, I don't feel the same today as I got absolutely not one wink of sleep last night (had some serious work) to catch up on, and when I get tired my emotions fall all over the place, so I'm quite shattered and screwed up, angry, miserable, jealous - that confidence about my emotional future is nowehere to be found. I know this may be a dangerous day, but I'm absolutely confident I won't drink - I know that's the last thing I need. So I'm on my way to the chemist to get something that will help me sleep and hopefully I'll wake up with a better outlook. Thanks for helping everyone and I'll post later.

[FreeFly]

Help - terrified.

Hello Deathless, just wanted to send you a very big one of these :l Hang in there, I think you're doing great