Desperate

[LoveHateAlcohol]

Hi Everyone,

I never joined a forum before but having read through a number of threads, I feel you guys will understand me better than anyone else. There is no alcoholism or addictions in my family (in fact, not even a smoker), so they don't understand me. I have ruined friendships, jobs, my finances, etc. due to this cunning alcoholism. I nearly died twice from it, yet I still drink. I have tried AA; private addiction counselling; a month in rehab..but I always return to alcohol. I start my dream job next Monday and fear I will screw it up. I was recently diagnosed with cyclothymia ( a milder form of bipolar) and I still haven't got the proper treatment for it. I am scared of all these medications and their potential side effects. I am sorry for rambling. I just don't know where to turn and AA is not for me. I am sick of the withdrawals, the lies I tell, the money I waste. I hate alcohol but I am drawn to it. This is the biggest fight of my life. I hope someone out there understands me.
-Canadian guy.

[kdog]

Desperate

Hi desperate, Just wanted to welcome you, I am pretty new at being AF, and trust me I had to REALLY want it to succeed, took me years. I am now sober for 2 weeks tomorrow! Not to say that a bad craving won't send me back to the warehouse so to speak, but I am trying to avoid that. Sounds like you really need to get your meds, I wouldn't think your doc would prescribe you anything that would affect you, and think of all the al poison you have poured down your throat! Funny how we can do that, but think twice about meds. Well I am sure you will recieve more knowlageable posts from some of the
people here who more in common, and have been AF for quite some time. Good Luck, and keep us posted. I would check around the sites, maybe even the meds section and see if you can find a similar story. Trust me you are not alone here, and we don't judge, cause we have all been there before, probably more times than one wants to admit!
Kdog

[FlyAway]

Desperate

You will be surprised at how well people here understand. Every time I've told a story about myself that I considered horrible someone else here said, "I've done that too." AA is not for me either, but plenty of people here had success with it. This isn't "one size fits all". You need to find what works for you.

About the meds; have you been prescribed meds but you're hesitant to take them?

[LoveHateAlcohol]

Desperate

Thanks kdog and FlyAway. I didn't expect replies so quickly. I have been on Paxil (SSRI antidepressant for years) but just found out that it makes the manic episodes worse if one has cyclothymia. I feel really let down by the psychiatrists I have been treated by..so I am wary about what they prescribe me. I know I have to do my own research, which I have been. There is an addiction centre here in my city where they just say "go to more AA meetings.!" This makes me so mad because those meetings don't help me. I disagree with a lot of AA's premise but recognize it helps other people. The point is, as you so aptly pout FlyAway, is that the solutions out there are not "onse size fits all." I totally agree with this but my family physician also says just keep goingt to AA meetings. He referred me to a psychiatrist who then referred me to another one, etc... I am getting desperate for help and think that only I can help myself. I can't rely on medical professionals (although I am not against taking meds, if that is what I truly need).

I recently bought a book by Amy Lee Coy called "From Death Do I Part: How I freed myself from addiction."

I found it very inspiriring as she was basically like me...in the healthcare system for years but never felt helped and was always just pushed to go to more AA meetingd. She has been sober now for many years. I want to be like her. I just need to make the right choices day by day. Sometimes, it is sooo hard though, and, ineveitably, after making the wrong choice, I feel guilt, shame, self-hate..and the cycle repeats itself.

At least I know there are soo many people out there like me. The current job that I have (and leaving on Friday) to start my new dream job on Monday, never suspected I was an alcoholic. They have wine, beers, etc..in the company firdge. I never touched it; never drank on the job..but when I come home, I will easily down 2 bottles of wine; wake up hungover and feel like crap the whole day at work.

I cannot count how many times I have told myself "i am sick and tired of being sick and tired" yet why do I continue to make the wrong choice a few times a week and get plastered?

I want my clarity of mind back. I want control of my life again. The answer is simple: ditch alcohol for good! yet, why is it so hard to do just that?

Thnkas for listening everyone.

[kdog]

Desperate

Love hate, I was the same way, and the first few days really sucked for me, but after that I felt like a whole new person, I can sort of relate to the medical issue, my doc would dole me out pills, for depression, axiety etc etc. but in reality, it was all caused by the amount of booze I was drinking at the time. I never touched those pills. He did give me librium to taper with, and that worked great for me, but again, you really have to want to quit, to quit! Now I don't feel the depression anymore! I hope you find your answers here and look to a brighter future al free! I also didn't dring at work, but look out 8 pm and there I was...and 7am really sucked everyday!

[pixie]

Desperate

Welcome LoveHate

I can relate to the the office not knowing about the extent of your drinking. I would forgo the alcohol at company events, and drink very conservatively during after-work socializing, only to go home and drink myself under the table. The same thing with friends and family - always the responsible drinker, until I got home. Only my husband knew the real story, though at some point I started hiding the volume from him as well.

The hangovers and the guilt and shame finally became too much, and that is why I'm here. Sounds like you are at that point too.

I've found L-glutamine to very helpful with cravings. A good B vitamin as well. There's lots of good information in the toolbox, also I'd suggest the section called 'Holistic Healing'.

The more you read here, the more you will find people with similar stories, and the more ideas you will get for formulating a plan.

Good luck, and see you around

[pixie]

Desperate

Here's a link to the toolbox: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

[TheSunFlower]

Desperate

I recently met someone who was sober in AA for 10 years....then he was diagnosed with bipolar and given the right meds. Since then....he has drank, but is a take it or leave it.

It sounds like you have been through a lot that hasn't worked. I would discuss that with your doctor, so he/she can get you on the right meds.

I wish you the best!

[FlyAway]

Desperate

I thought you might be interested in this thread:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ngs-63139.html

[Dave_]

Desperate

Hey there,
I know exactly where you are at the moment because I have been there. I did two detox's, private councilors, 28 day inpatient rehab, you name it, I tried it. I have been off the poison for two years now with three slips during that time. They have all been for a couple of days at a time but I am learning how to not fall into that hole.
I am a complete drunk, I don't have a little problem with alcohol, once the first drink passes my lips I slip down a deep dark hole that is just drowned by hard spirits. It takes everything I have to crawl out of it again and move on.
I am alive and productive again. I don't think I have mastered the issue yet because I know just how easy it is for me to slide down the rabbit hole. I am not perfect but I am a long, long way from the broken and lost person I was two years ago.
I'm alive and you can survive too, you just have to want it enough.

[porqoui]

Desperate

Good Morning LHA, how are you. Have you been able to absorb some of the replies so far? I'm sure there's more to come today. Just wanted to check in and say we're still here for you. PPQ

[K9Lover]

Desperate

Hi LHA,

I was a "closet" drinker. Nobody would have suspected that I blacked out every night. Only I knew how bad I truly way. Even my daughter, who would get upset when I drank, didn't know the extent of it, because I think only the alcoholic themselves can really know. I finally got to the point where I couldn't take it one more day. I called in sick to work, laid in bed and cried all day, and begged my higher power to make this demon go away. Did it happen over night? No. Was it easy? No. But it is SO worth it. It takes work and determination, but it can be done. Have you checked out the Newbies Nest thread yet? There is a lot of support, encouragement and advice there.

I'm glad you've found us. Please stick around and keep posting!

K9

p.s. I've had 2 DUI's...BOTH were after leaving booze-soaked work functions. Why companies ply their employees with free booze is beyond me. It got SO bad at my company that they FINALLY started giving out free Taxi tickets. Nobody ever suggested just stopping the booze flow.