Prisoner Today

[Rainyday]

I posted this on another thread, but I guess no one is reading that one. Or maybe I stink. Could be. I still feel half drunk from last night. Maybe that's the problem.

Not sure who read (doesn't seem like many) but had two AF days (first time since I had my son in March 2010) last Thursday and Friday. Hubby and I got bored Saturday and bought a bottle. I think he drank most of it because he was extremely sick the next day and I felt fine. We finished the bottle Sunday. Now, we're talking a magnum of cheap whiskey. That's a lot of booz.

I was so looking foward to the week days. So yesterday came. Monday. I was pumped up. Ready to fight the beast. Only it would be easier because I had routines to deal with.

Before I left work I checked our bank account. "Wine and Spirits" $31.27. "Oh, dear God, he bought two bottles. WHY?!!!! I figured I knew the answer. Well, first off, because he is an alcoholic. Second, because they are on sale until September 30th. When I asked him later, that's exactly what he said. Because they were on sale. Yeah right. SO WHAT!!! (although I had thought of doing the same thing on Sunday).

I was SO prepared to do this week AF! I could cry right now!

We went to see James McDonald (Walk in the Word Christian Radio) last night. Afterwards, I was so pumped up emotionally! But knew that bottle was sitting at home. First thing when entering house, opened the bottle. (well, saw Hubby had already opened it before we went.. thought I smelled it...)

Now I feel trapped with these 1.5 bottles of booze in my house. The week is supposed to be the easy time.

Then he told me his dad (who is struggling with depression and on the verge of divorce after 37 years being married to my mother-in-law who is, quite frankly, a bitch behind closed doors) wants him to go hunting this weekend. I wanted to plan AF events with the kids (which, as I stated in a previous post, is difficult with my young kids 2, 7, and 8). But now, I will most likely find "comfort" in drinking so as not to die from boredom. I do love my kids, but, as I am sure all parents can relate, can only take so much of doing kid-friendly things.

Anyway, as said above, I feel like a prisoner with those two damn bottles at my house.

Feeling very depressed. Scared. Don't want to go home.

[Kradle123]

Prisoner Today

Hi Rainyday and so glad you're here! :welcome:

Have you popped over to the Newbie Nest? Sometimes it's easier to get responses there because it's a popular thread already established.

I don't have much advice about your husband- mine drinks like once a year... But I remember the kid friendly boredom. One thing that helped me at night when my husband was gone was the fact that I'm it in the save the kids if anything happens dept... I started to imagine what I would say to the fireman if I were wasted and a fire started or how I would drive to the ER if one got hurt.

Those images alone helped to keep me away from AL. Reading other people's posts who have children and how they were so gone in their heads for the younger time with them...that just upset me because I could so see myself.

My kids are ten and thirteen and I just posted in tail between my legs how I had to deal with a really messed up situation with my 13 year old son. No way Jose could I have done it if I was in the AL Fog I've been in for over 20 years...

If your husband is an Alcoholic, Rain then sorry to say this but TAG, YOU'RE IT as far as raising your children in safety and 'there ness'

Stay close here- go to the tool box and the nest...sorry I don't have the links because I'm on the iPad and don't know how to do that...I should figure it out.

Hugs to you. I know you love you kids more than AL.

:l

[K9Lover]

Prisoner Today

Rain -
Sorry you're struggling. How does your husband feel about drinking, is he trying to quit also? Either way, you need to do this for YOU. I got sober for my daughter, but I stay sober for ME, which benefits us both. Only YOU can make this decision and make it happen. I am single, so I don't know the pressure of having a drinking adult in the house, but I can imagine that it's got to be extremely difficult. You may find that he will follow your example, you never know. In the meantime, can you ask him to please remove those bottles from your space so that you don't see them? Please stick close to us...you are not alone in this...we really do understand.

K9

[mama bear]

Prisoner Today

dump the bottles out sweetie...unless you think Hubs will flip out. You are too vulnerable to even have it around.
keep us posted...If my huband had not been my gate keeper, I am not sure I would have made it
you kids need you....

[Rainyday]

Prisoner Today

Thanks all.

Cradle, I've been around. I am sure some recognize me. I SHOULDN'T! be a 'newbie'. LOL. though not that funny.

[Rainyday]

Prisoner Today

I am super ticked off because I've been trying to get onto a video AA meeting three days in a row, and I can only get on it the last few minutes.

argh

It ends in 25 minutes and still can't connect!

[lolab]

Prisoner Today

Hi Rainyday - my husband was a drinker, too - as I was trying to quit, and it made it extremely difficult. When he went on a trip is when I tapered off and quit. It was easier for me to do without him here. I could settle into bed really early - when my son went to bed, and didn't get any questions about why.

What I hear in your words is that incredible - very noticeable - depressive effect of alcohol. You can see it all the time around here as folks go a few days without it - how their spirits lift - how it all looks do-able...the world is brighter.

It probably sounds cliche - you might feel like a prisoner, but YOU hold the key to set yourself free. As K9 said, ask your husband to get those bottles out of your sight and reach - and then make a decision to start. Look forward to this weekend as a nice time to work on YOU....sober. I'm guessing with those little ones, you don't get a relaxing bath or time to read...and from my own experience - we don't take time for those things when drinking is more important anyway. Focus on feeding the kids, getting them nice and clean and after you get them to bed early - - look to yourself. I know - I know - at first I thought - well, what's a bubble bath without a glass of wine? or vodka? Even though I hadn't taken a relaxing bath in ages, in my MIND - the best way to do it would be with alcohol....but then I started to realize that in my MIND - the best way to do ANYTHING was with alcohol...and that can't possibly be the truth. I was just thinking this morning that I haven't been to a movie in so long. WHY? Because I don't like going to the movies. It wastes valuable time. Ummmm, wait. Back up. Seriously - I have brainwashed myself in all the years of drinking to actually believe this! IN reality - it's because they don't serve alcohol there....so what's the point. It's very freeing to look at the world in a different light. It doesn't happen overnight, though. First, you're amazed that you can actually go somewhere at night - do something with your kids - and not worry about getting pulled over for a DUI....then you see day after day of not feeling the ill effects of drinking...pretty soon, you start to see how crazy it was to stay immersed in it as long as you did.

I drank all day and took vodka to bed with me - woke up in the night and drank that to go back to sleep....woke up in the morning and had more just to get going. Functioned all day with enough to stay topped off but forgot most evenings events. If I can do this - if so many of us can do this - you can too.....:l

The toolbox is linked below.

~lola

[Struggles 106]

Prisoner Today

OH RAINY DAY

I can feel your pain. We have all been there and it is so damn hard. I live alone and I know that if I had a drinker around I would be a wreck.

I just want to say that my parents were both alcoholics, and I can assure you that your children are being greatly affected by parental drinking. Don't kid yourself.
You may think it's OK if they don't see you drunk, if there are no huge disasters etc etc.
But they are affected, because you and your behavior are affected greatly whether drinking or not.

Sorry to be blunt but it is true. Those kids deserve the comforting stability of sober parents.

[Rainyday]

Prisoner Today

Lola. Thanks for reminding me of seeing things in a different light. I actually posted that on Friday after have my first AF night. I went to the store SOBER for items I needed for dinner. That was something new. I made my kids dinner SOBER. And lived in the moment. Started a book called Wherever you go There you Are last week.

As far as the movies, we'd just BYO. lol. Filled a water bottle up with whatever drink we were into. First wine. Then Whiskey. Then Vodka (for me because it didn't smell).

I hate living my life around this. Here I've wasted half my day because of alcohol. Hung over and reading posts. I should be working. I am at work. If my bosses knew, I'd be fired.

I hate dreading the evening.

Ann... my dad was an alcoholic. I also posted on this some time ago. He always drank outside of the house, so I hardly saw him drunk. But I heard the fights when he got home at night. My mom either slept all the time, or was working, because she was so depressed. It wasn't good.

My kids have seen me drunk. I am ashamed. "It was so funny Daddy. Last night Mommy was so tired she kept falling." Or "Mom fell asleep on the floor last night when we were playing a board game with her!"

Horrid.

[vlivengood]

Prisoner Today

Rainy, don't be so prepared to write the entire week off. Who gets home first from work? If its you then stall... go shopping, do anything. Call Hubby tell him those must be out of sight and hidden very well or GONE and that he can no longer buy those and bring them into the home, you are trying to get sober and while you do not want to force it on him he will have to do his drinking else where, walk to a bar or take a cab or something but that if he loves you and his children he will at least let you have a fighting chance.

As far as him going hunting and you being with kids I totally relate, I did find it much easier to have those days fly when we left the house to do things, also invite a friend or family member over. As far as end of the day rewards buy a few Pizzas, a paper-view for them, followed by another paper-view and your favorite desert just for you after they go to bed.

I know it is hard to take advice from someone who does not understand your day to day family and environment dynamics but take from it what you can and see how you can mold it into your life and make it work, in the end we are all fighting the SAME demon.

YOU CAN DO IT!

[allankay]

Prisoner Today

Hi Rainy, it is very difficult to quit with another person close by who still drink or smokes... I may say it will be almost impossible. I would like to add a slightly different opinion. Now that you have the two bottles in the house I don’t think you will be pouring them out and your husband can’t really hide them as he will be the one drinking them. So treat them as a break up sex, or last day on vacation. Enjoy them, say good bye to them and have closure. In the mean time you need to have a serious chat with your husband on how you will move forward.

The best scenario is if he is on the same page as you and is ready to quit. Most likely he is not but if it is important to you and he loves you he must compromise. Ask him to have 30 days without alcohol in the house...full stop...ask him not to get drunk in those 30 days... This time will help you to grow your immunity to AL, help you detox and give you a fighting chance to quit for good. If you are ready to make the change I think cooperation of your husband is key. So get closure and start your AF life.

AK

[Rainyday]

Prisoner Today

Thanks Allan. I all reality, yours is the most realistic. And I'm so happy you said it. I wish he would have discussed with me before he bought them. I will have that conversation. Plus, I just printed Cuukoos's (spelling?) list and will put this in BOTH of our cards!:

1. Wake up bleary eyed and shaking
2. Swear it won't happen again and I will no longer do this to my body
3. Get showered go into work hoping I'm fooling people but knowing I'm not
4. Work my eight hours but around 2:00 the chatter starts
5. Get in my car to go home constantly thinking about drinking but promising myself I won't
6. Get off exit where I buy my liquor and promise myself I will have one and then pour the bottle down the drain
7. Have one drink and feel relaxed but also realize I need to freshen up my drink
8. Freshen up my drink and then realize 2 won't hurt
9. After 2nd drink, slight buzz on and decide 3 will be the stopper
10. End up drinking until I am drunk and stagger up to bed
11. Repeat from step 1
12. Need to stop this madness

[K9Lover]

Prisoner Today

Well Allan made a great point. I had to say "goodbye" to my Beer. I planned it, I dreaded it and looked forward to it at the same time. Like smoking, when I was done, I was just DONE....I got rid of all reminders. Maybe you can do the same thing? My word of caution though is not to go too overboard, sometimes when we set a "quit date" we go to dangerous extremes until it arrives. Be careful and let us know what you decide.

[Lavande]

Prisoner Today

Hi Rainy,

I know it's not easy with three little ones to look after but you are their role model, like it or not. You want them to have pleasant & loving memories of their childhoods & they will if you take control now!

I didn't drink when my kids were little like yours. My drinking began later in life after a prolonged period of depression. I decided when my first grandchild was born that I wanted to be a good role model for him & create loving, happy memories for him. This is exactly what I am doing now & you can too

I made a big deal, a ceremony if you will of dumping the last of the wine down the drain & vowing to buy no more. I haven't set foot in a liquor store since, never will. I quit smoking soon afterwards & I am determined to keep my quits so that I can be fully present for my three grandkids.
I am loving every minute of my addiction free life - no regrets whatsoever.

You can do it too - take control now!
Wishing you the best

Lav

[Rainyday]

Prisoner Today

Thanks Lavende! Really puts it in perspective. I SOOOOO worry about my kids becoming addicts.