I've been here before in the last few months
My kudoz supply lapsed and I supposed that was one reason why I decided I didn't need 100% sobriety anymore. I was disappointed. Sure, it was probably easy to blame someone else, but I did feel at the one month mark a big urge to explore "moderation" and what that might mean for me.
I don't know anymore. I wish the Kuduz was still here as that was still one variable I could control. I've since gone to controlled drinking (1-3 glasses) to no drinking to full drinking (a full bottle) and I don't know whats right anymore. I'm not sure if its the lack of impulse control from not taking kudos or if its the timing of my transition (30 days)
My family is delighted. My kids are crawling all over me and want to play games. My work is going fantastic. I'm up for all kinds of new projects and am getting new respect (probably because I'm not sending goofy emails anymore!) and my work has improved.
Of course I don't want to go back.
Maybe it's all in my head. but I am struggling, badly. I can only tell a few souls. You.
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