What the hell am I going to do?

[noodle]

Hello (again) , I sit here (again) crippled with stomach pains, yellow murky eyes, God knows how much extra weight and all this friggin frustration. I read a book a few months ago, Alen Carrs, and thought I'd truely cracked it. I lived the clean dream for a couple of months, and then...............:-( I'm covered in psoriosis, full of anger and biterness, sadness and biterness, caught up in my creative dreamworld, the best compliment I get is that I'm an artist, so emotional, so distant. So fucked up. I've tried to go sober, so many times, and just cant do it. After two days, I don't want to do it, and that's the problem. At times like these, I want nothing more. So many people have let me down in life, and all I've seemed to do is be my best, and strong for everyone I love. Now the walls seem to be crumbling, and for the first time, I just don't know what the hell to do. Control is slipping away. Bluff or plan a way out of here.
Five months ago, I never thought I'd be here, again. I've tried so many times, with all my heart and conviction, why won't those thoughts go away? Life without AL scares the shit out of me, even though I know it's going to kill me. Where's the logic in that crazy talk?
So friggin fed up :upset: Hello, I'm back, again x

[LillyE]

What the hell am I going to do?

Much support and strength to you and welcome back. The fact you're here posting this says you know what you need to do.

So, gather your resources. Dig in. Give it all you've got. So, so much of the sadness and bitterness is simply caused by the drinking. You did 2 months AF. How did you feel then? Why was it better and what led you back?

The term 'clean dream' would suggest it was a much better place, no? You can get back there. Keep trying, keep posting, keep reaching out.

:l

[noodle]

What the hell am I going to do?

Thanks Lilly, for your kind words and welcome. Yup I've been bouncing around here for around two years now, and switch off when I decided that I'll just carry on drinking. I've averaged 2/3 months a year not drinking, then chugging 2 - 3 bottles of wine a day the rest of the time. I'll be honest, the time I'm not drinking, obviously it's great not to have hangovers, generally look and feel better, and my concience is clear as I won't have made an arse of myself somewhere along the line or said something instantly regrettable either. However, those days are haunted by constant thoughts of AL, all I want to do is drink, I can't imagine life without it. after 3 months I can't stand it any more, fed up of waiting for it to subside like everyone says it will. I'm searching on here for something, anything, that will hammer home the fact that I need to stop drinking before it kills me. I think it already is. The last two months I've started to look seriously ill. It takes something more than knowing what it does to us, if it were that simple none of us would be here. I guess I'm just reaching out for some friendship, and hopefully some golden nuggets of information. x

[porqoui]

What the hell am I going to do?

Hi Noodle............aw here's a :l for you. My "clean dream" lasted 47 days.

It's hard holding up the weight of the world isn't it? I know 'cause I've tried. For me, after 2 AF days my thoughts were ok...now I can handle another drink. Talk about crazy talk.

Maybe it's time to let those walls crumble and decide it's time for you. That's what I had to do and it was hard as I'm one of those "make everything ok for everyone else" people.

I vote Plan not Bluf. Take a breather and search the threads/posts for "anger, bitterness and sadness" and read, read, read. It'll be hard not to put a plan together...PPQ

[scottish lass]

What the hell am I going to do?

oh Noodle, so understand - it is good to see you again, but so sorry that you are feeling so down. I managed two months end of last year and I am struggling to get back again - and I don't know why as I felt so much better for those two months.
There is a great post somewhere about gratitude frame of mind (it has been repeated on a few threads) - I am trying to retrain my brain to the gratitude and try to get rid of the woe is me frame of mind - the depravation one....
Hang in, read here, post when you can, it always amazes me how many there are of us all in the same boat, you have lots of company here that really can empathize.
Bottom line, I don't want to die of liver failure, I have seen it and in no way is it good, so I have to get this in control - that has to be my motivation.
As Molly says, I cannot even consider never drinking again, that is way to daunting a proposal for me and makes me want to run screaming, so I don't think of it - I just take it moment by moment and try to eat the elephant one teeny tiny bite at a time....
Big :l:l and hang in with us........

[paula]

What the hell am I going to do?

Oh Noodle I do so identify with you, I have been there so many times. I managed to stop drinking about 4 months ago after so many attempts. I had so many excuses that I made to drink, my lovely sister died, so I used that (she would have been horrified) I had to stop working due to arthiritis, etc. etc. Suddenly I realised that I just couldn't drink, I also do not think of it long term, I think, I will try not drink this week, and it seems to work, nothing long term, as we all know we only have whats happening now anyway, the past has gone the future is just that. You said you have managed 2/3 months previously, thats great, count all the all free time you have achieved and be proud. Like Molly says, get the boozw out of your system, then you will feel better. All the advice given so far is worth taking. Don't beat yourself up,this is a disease/illness, whatever description it tears us apart, but we can all help each other. I have found so much comfort and support on this site, because we all suffer. Life is so much better without AL, maybe not easier but more straightforward. Wishing you well, you will soon feel better.

[noodle]

What the hell am I going to do?

Thanks so much x

Thanks so much you lovely people. All of this is obvious logic, my brains thinking (despite the fog) "can't be that simple", that mechanism is firmly in place to keep me drinking, I feel like i've been taken over by some evil force!! Lolsx I've just got out of bed, look like death warmed up, feel even worse, first time I havn't checked the supplies for tonight. It's my friends birthday tomorrow, usually a drinking excuse (like I need one), but today i'm not going to drink. Hopefully tomorrow too. I'm going to do some serious soul searching and reading around this site today. Molly, I know, I too keep telling myself, there can't be some conspiracy of reformed drinkers that are telling us that life's better without AL, just to piss us off. but like you, Scottish Lass, bottom line is I don't want to die of liver failure either. The thought scares me, well to death (!!). Everyones waiting for it, lately a lot of people are (very carefully) telling me I can't keep going like I am without any come back. Sometimes I'm actually suprised I've woken up in the morning. For a doting Mum and wife, that seems crazy, and soooo selfish.
I read a great line a few months ago, that keeps running around my head, "You'll never meet a wealthy, beautiful and successfull alcoholic". Not that I particularly aspire to be any of those, but the complete opposite of all of those , I am becoming. I am completely broke and in debt, yet always got money for booze, I'm 4 stone over weight and covered in psoriosis, and my dreams and aspirations have slipped through my fingers, which is filling me with bitterness and resentment.
nope, not drinking today. Thank you x

[Mootsbill]

What the hell am I going to do?

Noodles your dreams and aspirations do not have to have slipped through your fingers you are still young with your life ahead of you. Take it a day at a time ;0)

[Caper]

What the hell am I going to do?

Noodle, let me preface my response by saying that I am truly trying to be helpful and not judgmental here. Lately, however, it seems that a lot of members offering ?helpful? advice end up getting their heads ripped off.

Anyway, what struck me from your post were two comments: ?creative dreamworld? and ?the best compliment I get is that I?m an artist; so emotional; so distant.? It reminded me of something I read years ago in Stephen King?s book, ?On Writing.? I?ve been a writer for a while and I?d convinced myself that I could only ?create? under the influence. I?d joke with friends that my ?creative juices? were certainly that of the grape. In his book, Mr. King delves into his own battle with alcohol and drug addiction and speaks to the ?idea that creative endeavor and mild-altering substances are entwined.? Long story short: it?s a myth. He goes on to state that substance-abusing writers (Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Anderson, Thomas) are just substance abusers. He says that ?any claims that the drugs and alcohol are necessary to dull a finer sensibility are just the usual self-serving bull****.? His feeling (and mine now) is that whether you?re a writer (artist?) or a snowplow driver, alcoholics drink because that?s what alcoholics are wired up to do. He finishes by saying, ?Creative people probably do run a greater risk of alcoholism and addiction than those in some other jobs, but so what? We all look pretty much the same when we?re puking in the gutter.?

Bottom line, I know the idea of life without AL scares you; I?m sure you?re terrified of trying to work without it too. I know I was. But you can do it; you just need to try and then try again, and then try again if need be. I promise you, you can create without AL; who knows, you might find that the AL has been dulling your senses and holding you back all these years and that your work will improve! Your health and your life certainly will. I hope this helps. Please understand that I send this to you with the best intentions.

And please don?t rip my head off!

[scottish lass]

What the hell am I going to do?

noodle;1388980 wrote: For a doting Mum and wife, that seems crazy, and soooo selfish.

Dear Noodle - so true that, but doesn't seem to stop us does it - I love my girls beyond belief, but I can't seem to fight this beast to ensure I stick around long enough for them...
hope today is still what you need it to be, and maybe you need to have a case of a stomach flu for tomorrow?? any excuse will be worth hanging in....

[Chaaku1]

What the hell am I going to do?

Hello Noodle

I am sad to hear of the suffering that you are going through at the moment. I too have had quite a few 'day 1's' following a few months of abstenence (currently have been on the programme since 20th August).

The advice from all of the other members is sound and I have been reading here avidly since joining (though not posting) and found great wisdom in their experiences and advice to others.

I have found that the holistic approach of the supplements and hypnotherapy are realy beneficial together with topirimate. I have also added Niacin (having read Andrew Saul's book - The Vitamin Cure for Alcoholism). You may well be following the programme already and I apologise if that is the case for being intrusive.

I wish you the very best.

x

[K9Lover]

What the hell am I going to do?

Hi Noodle!

It's so good to see you again. Yes, we ALL understand where you are coming from. It seems impossible at first, but please believe that it can change, and things WILL get better. I finally quit when drinking became harder than not drinking.

Get a few sober days under your belt and then sit down and make a plan. Keep reading and posting. We are here to help!

Welcome back :l

K9

[noodle]

What the hell am I going to do?

Thanks x

Hey there SL, Paula and Mootsbill, thanks for taking the time to prop up this old soak. Your advice is helping for sure.
Caper, I don't know what's happened to you on here (!), but I wouldn't have taken any of your advice the wrong way, and appreciate all the help I can get at this crazy time in my messed up world. I loved the story about Mr King, and the quote about puking in the gutter certainly resonates with me. Oh how many times.........Thanks anyway luv, the fact that what I'm selfishly thinking only I am going through, is actually the real world for so many of us, and the fact we're all willing to help each other, IS a great comfort to me. So no head ripping will come from my direction. I'm very thick skinned anyway, so should anyone start verbally abusing me, I doubt it will rouse much of a reaction. Too much other shit to worry about :H
Chaaku1 & K9, good to see you to.
Went to bed last night, sober, woo hoo. First time I'd brushed my teeth and washed my make up off for about 4 months (dirty bitch I know). Couldn't sleep though, so feeling a bit groggy this morning. Sat in a state of confusion, but pleased with my efforts.
Today is a new day, a fresh satrt. Going for a bottle of cranberry juice for my party tonight - talk about in at the deep end. I reckon, SL, I'll be using the dodgy tum excuse. Wish me luck!
Thanks, Noodle :l:h:l

[Byrdlady]

What the hell am I going to do?

So proud of you, Noodle....miraculously, it does only take a couple of good AF days done and dusted until you begin to see that light at the end of the tunnel...We are ALL pulling for you...if there is anything we can do...all you have to do is ask..we are here. Glad you are with us! Well done! B

[Chaaku1]

What the hell am I going to do?

Excellent news on the not drinking Noodle. Your head is clearing and your body is getting healthier already (especially with that cranberry juice) :goodjob:

Everyone here is rooting for you.... Keep on with the PMA - YOU CAN DO THIS!