Almost out of steam

[locnessie]

My beloved husband has hit rock bottom. He has been a heavy drinker for 7 years and in the last year has managed to loose his driving license and commit another rather serious driving offence. He spent a week in detox over christmas- his first time. I held out so much hope for him and us (we have two small children) that I had not thought of relapse. He struggles to attend meetings due to work and the distance (he works 40 miles away). He relapsed big time on Wednesday where he took an overdose and I had to call an ambulance. He could not remember anything about it. I am constantly abused verbally (never physically) by him in front of the kids, I hate this person when he is drunk, I was relieved when the paramedics took him. I hate the negative feelings, after all if he had another illness i would feel sympathy. 95% of the time he is wonderful. Its the unpredictability I cannot face, at the time I want to leave him but when he wakes the next morning and I look into his devastated sorry face I soften.

How long should I put my life on hold?? I know compared to last year he is doing really well but it is never over, every day I wonder if today is the day he comes home drunk. I was so disappointed that he has lapsed but they say to stay positive and that he is no longer dependent due to the time he has been dry. I feel alone. Family members are putting pressure on me and worrying about our quality of life. What do I do?? Give up on him?:new:

[sammys]

Almost out of steam

Only you can decide what is best for you, I think the advice about staying positive is helpful but an overdose is a major relapse not just a relapse. The part I am wondering about is where you feel he verbally abuses you but 95% of the time is an ok guy??? Does he just attack you verbally when drunk??? You need to take care of yourself, in doing so your children will also be better. I hope this has helped a little.

Sammys

[locnessie]

Almost out of steam

when he is drunk he seems to see me as the enemy and he never does this when he is sober. It is not just any drink either that makes him like this, it is Vodka (I call is the poison). He tipped half a bottle down the sink today is this a good sign. He says tomorrow is a now day and he going to give it all he has got. He hasnt had a drink today so we had time to talk. When he is sober he is a good loving husband and father who has a good skilled job. When he is drunk he becomes a monster and swears at me constantly. Does this answer your question? He has done the Detox but struggles with the meetings as he suffers from low self esteem and would need a drink to attend.

I know I am trying to play down the overdose but he honestly cannot remember doing it. He self harms when he is drunk and cannot remember that either, its like its not really him. I feel I need to give him more time and not give up, after all would I leave him if he had cancer?? I am going to go out more and not try to save him all the time. I sometimes decline invites in case he NEEDS me. I am going to distance myself a little more.

[southernbelle47]

Almost out of steam

Listen to your family, Honey.
You and your children deserve a safe , happy home with no abuse.
The stress is felt not only by you but your kids also. Get them to a place where it is "safe" and less stressful.
My own daughter was told to "draw a line" as in the sand and tell her husband that she would not go back to him until he got serious help. He has to want that for himself.

May God bless and protect you as you seek to do what is best for yourself, your kids, and your husband.

:h Nancy

[tea]

Almost out of steam

While you are there for him and brush under the carpet his abuse he will always do what he does. If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got. Please take this from a (verbally) ex-abused wife.

Look after you and look after yours, you do not have the power to change anyone else. I wish you inner peace.

[sri]

Almost out of steam

I have both lived with an alcoholic father AND am now an alcoholic wife and mother myself -- so I guess I've seen both sides. I hated my father when he drank and yet I know I am not myself when I drink and beg forgiveness from my family for that person who I am when I drink.

As the alcoholic, I have to be the one who gets help -- and stay sober. If my family leaves me to have a better life, then they must if I choose the bottle. Same with your family. One can only give so much to someone who drinks. Cancer patients don't usually live long enough to destroy a family -- alcoholics do. You will know when enough is enough for you and your children - chose wisely. I hope your husband gets the help he needs as well.

Bless you all.

[lushy]

Almost out of steam

Hi Loc, I am sorry for the stress you are having to go through. I guess what struck me in your post that actually scares me is you say he does not remember the overdose. What else might he do that he won't remember? If he is an angry drunk I worry about what physical harm he could do to you, your children or to someone else and not remember. Those blackouts are a very scary situation. If you think he might benefit from coming on these boards so he does not feel so alone then please give him the link.

I wish you the best. Please so what is safest for you and your children.

And I agree wholeheartedly with what Tea said.....

[Popeye]

Almost out of steam

Hello locnessie.
Welcome!

[Bella]

Almost out of steam

Hello locnessie. It must be so awful for the family of a drinker. But your husband is really the only person who can help himself. If he wants to. I also took an overdose a year ago and could not remember doing it and that is when my husband involved my family because he could not cope anymore. I was horrified and embarressed that they all knew but it made me address things for a while. I think some alcoholics are ashamed of what they do and if only you could get him to log on this site as it is completely anonomous and maybe he can open up a bit as to how he feels? YOU and your kids must stay safe and i would try to find someone who cares for you so you can have some support. Keep posting and again welcome. B

[locnessie]

Almost out of steam

thank you so much for all the words of support. did not realise such a helpful web existed. I have taken on board all you advice and will think about thing more seriously. I will try and get him on the web site to open up

[Bella]

Almost out of steam

Good for you! And if he is worried about people knowing who he is, he can call himself anything. I have taken the name of my dog! This place is somewhere for you both to go anomomously and get things off your chest, so use it because it might helpyou like it is helping me. All the best. B

[irishlady]

Almost out of steam

Hello locnessie,
Listen and take on board everything that has been said to you.. The overwhelming consesus seems to be, look after your children and yourself.. I agree 150% with that...

I am crying as I type this because I grew up in a house with a drunk for a father...To make matters worse he worked in a brewery, every night he would come home drunk, some nights worse than others.. He would roar and shout at my mother, reducing her to tears, throw his dinner across the room because it wasn't what he wanted.. One night he went to bed drunk, the next thing I heard my mother screaming, I rushed from my bedroom to theirs to find he had set the bedclothes alight with a cigarette.. Thats just one of thousands of things I experienced as a child growing up...Myself and my three sisters begged her to leave him time and again, but, no, she was a good Catholic wife and she wouldn't divorce him... He died 15 years ago from liver cancer...

The reason I have told you all this is because my father ruined my life...I grew up with so much hatred and anger buried deep inside, so much low self esteem from all his cruel jokes and jibes... when he was drunk and he spoke to me I was always addressed as, either, a fat ugly bastard, or a stupid ugly bastard, I entered my teens believing I was all those things, and even now at the age of 59 there are still wisps of those cruel words running through my head at times....

Please, for the sake of your children, you have to leave him, otherwise they are going to grow up thinking that everything that they see happening in their lives is normal..

Also, I think your husbands addiction to alcohol is just the tip of the iceberg...It seems as if he also has deep emotional and psychological problems to work through, and only he can do that, but he has to want to do it, firstly for himself and then you and the children will reap the benefits of that..

So, we can give you all the advice we can, but, the decision is yours to make, please locnessie have the courage to make the right one..

Love, Louise xx

[Ripley]

Almost out of steam

Hi Locnessie

Gosh, so many sad stories.

I too am married to a verbally abusive man. He is not an alcoholic but is alcohol dependent, as am I. I am here, trying to do something about it. He is not, although has started taking the kudzu and has listened to my hypnotherapy tape once, so who knows. He drinks to excess every day and frequently has no recollection of his evenings.

My life is not the hell that Louise's was. Thank god. (Louise, God bless you and thank you for sharing your story). But over our 11 year marriage I have been screamed and sworn at and called every name under the sun again and again and again. If you think of the worst things you could say to your wife about her appearance, her character, her sexuality, her family, her parenting skills etc, they have all been said, and more. Often he doesn't remember. If he does remember he just says, eventually, that he didn't mean it and that he was angry and that everyone says things they don't mean when they're angry.

I have cried, begged, pleaded, asked for a separation (and then backed down after his tears, pretty speeches and many promises), we have had counselling together and separately, have both been on anti depressants, he has had anger management, I have been as far as seeing a divorce solicitor but you know what.... none of it makes a damn bit of difference. I would like to leave, but I just can't do it to the kids. We have on the surface a good life, for the most part we muddle along ok, have great friends, a materially very comfortable existance (yup, shallow I know) and he loves his kids and they love him. I don't think I do love him really; he has been so horrible to me for so long. This is I suppose a big factor in why I drink.

locnessie, your husband is lucky that you love him so much. I think I have had a gutful of mine. but I do love my kids more than my life, which is why I am being such a self sacrificing doormat! (albeit in big house with 3 holidays a year!)

Flippancy aside, it just aint as easy as getting yourself off to that "safe place" with your kids. My childrens' hearts would break if I left their dad.

If you are still reading (!), thanks... I haven't opened up to anyone about this before. This website has forced me to address some very painful issues.

Good luck Loc, I so understand, and I wish I had more answers. If u are in the UK, would recommend you talk to Al Anon tho - support group for relatives of Alcoholics, as they can be very very helpful.

kate x

[locnessie]

Almost out of steam

on sunday he tipped half a bottle of the poison down the sink himself, it was his decision. I know its not everything but to him it must have been hard. We had a wonderful weekend playing with the children and having lots of cuddles, it reminded me of how it can be. They keep saying to him to stay positive, compared to last year (drinking daily) to now he has come a long way. No one can hate him more than he hates himself, he did not have a bad childhood, grew up in the country no dark deep hidden secrets I think the job he does has encouraged the drinking (mechanics). They used to reward good progress with 24 packs of beer. I am not looking for blame but for reasons. Thank you all for sharing your stories, I wil keep logging on to stay in touch. The thing is, he is not awful to the kids when drunk, they actually like him because he plays with them and does silly things to make them laugh, I know this is not normal the atmosphere goes bitter when I walk in and he sees that look of disgust on my face. He wants to beat this, which is why he went into the eight day detox. He has promised me he will phone his key worker and go to meetings ( he has not gone to any yet and wil surely relapse again without). I have a plan in mind if things go wrong and even worked out how I can move and what I can affort alone. Social services have sent a letter to say they are there if we need them and that it procedure for them to be informed off an attempted suicide. I am worried about how involved they will get. The kids are not ill treated he has never hit them drunk or sober and never verbally abused them either. They look stressed when he is drunk and they ask me not to wind him up. I believe he can do this and get through it. I will give it a few more months and then admit defeat, I am still young enough to turn my life around