Hello to everyone. I am new here and new to this journey. Let me start by saying that this will probably be a bit drawn out. I tend to be longwinded. I apologize in advance.
I guess I should go ahead and lay it out on the table... I am 35, married, 2 small kids. I have been drinking heavily and out of control, regularly for about 3 years now. Before that I was mostly just a weekend warrior, spending my weeks trying to remember what I had done Friday night and Saturday night. About a year ago I came to realize that I could not control my cravings for alcohol and worse, I did not want to. I like drinking and I like catching a buzz. But what I don't like far outweighs that...
I don't like not remembering how I got to bed. I wake up most mornings wondering if I got there myself or if my husband had to pick me up - again - and put me there.
I don't like my deteriorating body. As an avid runner, coming into race season this year I have sustained more injuries and found myself on the bench more than I am on the road. I hate that. I do not know for sure that there is a direct link, but my body is not recovering from injury very well, and I am more prone to injury than ever before.
I don't like putting my kids in danger. When my husband is out of town - which is regularly during the week - I wake up wondering, what if something happened to my kids in the middle of the night. First of all, would I be able to wake myself from my comotose passed out state? Secondly, would I have the ability to help them if they needed it? I fear the answer to both would be NO. And that bothers me more than anything else I can think of in the world. They are 3 and 1. There is no way they can help themselves. I need to do better and asap.
I would like to go back to a time when there were things in my life more important and more satisfying than having a drink or 2, 3, 6... While my marriage and my children are the most wonderful things in the world to me - I am incredibly shocked that I do not find willpower in myself to stop, for them. That scares me.
I typically only drink at night. I try to wait until the kids are in bed. Recently my husband has started commenting more than usual about my drinking so I have reached a new low and am sneaking drinks when he is home. When he is gone during the week, I usually try to replace the Vodka and wine that I drink so he won't be aware of it when he gets home. Right before I start drinking I tend to get edgy, probably because I am holding off on my cravings, and I don't treat my kids so well. I lose patience easily and that really doesn't work out well with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.
My goal, much like everyone else here, is to gain control over this problem, heal myself, and be a better wife and mother. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to wake up in the mornings and not feel like a failure. And I want to feel healthy AND happy. I emphasize the AND because I have put so much dependence on alcohol to soothe me, ease my pain, destress... I wonder how I will be happy without it. I know I can be, I just haven't figured out how to be.
Any way - sorry again for being so wordy. I am looking forward to joining this group and gaining some much needed support. I have not told anyone that I am going to attempt this yet. I have purchased the supplements and ordered the CDs. I plan to download and start reading the book asap. I have lots of questions so I hope you won't mind my constant presense in the boards.
but hoping for the best -
mdb
I guess I should go ahead and lay it out on the table... I am 35, married, 2 small kids. I have been drinking heavily and out of control, regularly for about 3 years now. Before that I was mostly just a weekend warrior, spending my weeks trying to remember what I had done Friday night and Saturday night. About a year ago I came to realize that I could not control my cravings for alcohol and worse, I did not want to. I like drinking and I like catching a buzz. But what I don't like far outweighs that...
I don't like not remembering how I got to bed. I wake up most mornings wondering if I got there myself or if my husband had to pick me up - again - and put me there.
I don't like my deteriorating body. As an avid runner, coming into race season this year I have sustained more injuries and found myself on the bench more than I am on the road. I hate that. I do not know for sure that there is a direct link, but my body is not recovering from injury very well, and I am more prone to injury than ever before.
I don't like putting my kids in danger. When my husband is out of town - which is regularly during the week - I wake up wondering, what if something happened to my kids in the middle of the night. First of all, would I be able to wake myself from my comotose passed out state? Secondly, would I have the ability to help them if they needed it? I fear the answer to both would be NO. And that bothers me more than anything else I can think of in the world. They are 3 and 1. There is no way they can help themselves. I need to do better and asap.
I would like to go back to a time when there were things in my life more important and more satisfying than having a drink or 2, 3, 6... While my marriage and my children are the most wonderful things in the world to me - I am incredibly shocked that I do not find willpower in myself to stop, for them. That scares me.
I typically only drink at night. I try to wait until the kids are in bed. Recently my husband has started commenting more than usual about my drinking so I have reached a new low and am sneaking drinks when he is home. When he is gone during the week, I usually try to replace the Vodka and wine that I drink so he won't be aware of it when he gets home. Right before I start drinking I tend to get edgy, probably because I am holding off on my cravings, and I don't treat my kids so well. I lose patience easily and that really doesn't work out well with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.
My goal, much like everyone else here, is to gain control over this problem, heal myself, and be a better wife and mother. I want to feel good about myself again. I want to wake up in the mornings and not feel like a failure. And I want to feel healthy AND happy. I emphasize the AND because I have put so much dependence on alcohol to soothe me, ease my pain, destress... I wonder how I will be happy without it. I know I can be, I just haven't figured out how to be.
Any way - sorry again for being so wordy. I am looking forward to joining this group and gaining some much needed support. I have not told anyone that I am going to attempt this yet. I have purchased the supplements and ordered the CDs. I plan to download and start reading the book asap. I have lots of questions so I hope you won't mind my constant presense in the boards.
but hoping for the best - mdb
and I feel glad that there are folks out there who understand what I am going through. I typically have a very good sense of humor and tend to be very lighthearted and fun. I am sure that side of me will show itself soon enough. 
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