Trying to find my way

[Raven2012]

Trying to find my way

Thanks everyone, I am really sensitive right now. And I have more time on my hands! Lavanda you're right, I do need a plan. And I don't have one. Catbuddy, you are so nice, I just lit up with I saw your reply. Paulywag, thank you for telling me you read my posts! That was nice to hear. I read yours too. Reading helps keep me out of trouble.

I really think I'm depressed. I'm already on antideppresants so I can check that box. My job is fantastic, my kids are a joy. I may have just picked a bad time to try to do this. My husband lost his job. We're ok, finances are good can weather any storm, but he's such a bear to be around and now he's around all the time! And he doesn't want me to tell anyone. It's been 7 months! I finally told my best friend last night. I told my Dad about a month ago. But we socialize a good deal and I'm just at my wits end. Half of me thinks I should just give up trying until he gets on the other side of this.

That's probably why I feel like a misfit and am so touchy. Thanks again everyone. I feel better just telling you! Raven.

[paulywogg]

Trying to find my way

hi again raven,ugh i know how you feel,my husband was unemployed for 2 yrs! at that time both our drinking escalated,starting in the morning etc,its a depressing situation,when theyre not working theyre not themselves.dont put off quitting,thats what i keep doing,stuffs always gonna come up to make us wanna drink,we just hafta try and beat this shit!

[Raven2012]

Trying to find my way

Thanks Paulywogg,

Wow, two years, you are a survivor! My husband thankfully is not a big drinker but I think what's getting to me is feeling like a phony. I'm either going to start telling my friends one by one, or stop going out. I was pretty optimistic in Aug because there was a lot going on for him and it hadn't been that long, but here it is November and I'm starting to lose hope. How, Paulywogg, did you get through it and what finally turned around for your husband if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks, Raven

[paulywogg]

Trying to find my way

well he was a plumber for years,after the economy slowed down,he would take odd jobs here and there,eventually he went back to working on cars,hes been at this shop for a year,im just irritated cuz things are going pretty good,but i still drink,makes no sense

[Alcoholic]

Trying to find my way

Raven: it took my husband 2 years to find a steady job too. The economy is getting better though, I think and hope!!!

[Catbuddy]

Trying to find my way

Hi Raven,

That is a really tough situation, and not being honest with your friends makes it worse. You can be honest here. I think we have a virtual cone of silence going. So rant away. I have a BLEH buddy here. We send each other PMs with the BLEH rant. BLEH work. BLEH dating. BLEH roommates. It helps, if your normal channels are closed. So post or PM me.

Is there any way to work outside the home a day or more a week? My AL consumption was primarily home-based. I literally had to ban myself from the kitchen for a while, where most of it took place. It helped. Sadly, I have lost my interest in cooking right now. Without my glass (bottle) of wine, it's not the same. Over time, I'm sure this can shift for me, but for now, I've had to let it go.

Anyway, can you change up the daily routine to be less with him (if he causes angst) and less around temptation? Just a thought.

Cat

[Wildflowers]

Trying to find my way

Hi Raven,

I'm glad you reached out here & looks like people reached back to. We all hope you will find some connections at MWO. I do read & understand being touchy for many reasons & we all do!.... Having a hubs out of work is just adding to it. Been there before & he's been there when I've been. It's really hard on many levels!!!.... I do hope yours finds work soon!!!

Like others have said poke around, jump in where & when ever you want. No commitments just what you feel like. I know for myself I like to be free for the most part. I think many yrs of marriage, grown kids, care giver for other family members past & present, that I value my time. Which is me time in way now. I can't keep up with it all, tho in my heart I wish I could more. Then I feel bad as I miss some posts, like the other night when Bri ~ Bri came back. I went to bed & felt bad. I think I'm still carrying family of orgin ~ co dependant things with me from yrs past.

Anyway, before I had a chance to respond after I read all the posts here, which I've also read a few of your previous posts, that maybe you'd like the Topamax thread. The ladies over there are super nice. It's very comfy. Professional, loving, smart, easy going & fun woman. They don't care if your modding, practicing harm reduction, abstaining or taking medication either. Or there's the One Step thread. This is if your looking for a daily thread, but I think you can just pop in any time & not feel like you have to be permanent. I don't think they care & are just all friendly hun. I mean at least this is my take & Play & new Ally gal said so (I think.) Now I can't member if somebody from other thread has posted here with comments.

I think you might be trying to connect with other Mom's who have young children. Thought you were with one a little while back in General forum. There used to be some under this section, but think they have gone. I don't always read here, but am trying more. I'm trying to read the Nest more. Of course there is great wisdom from the leaders in there. I'm still young, need nourishment & need to be careful with my sobriety. Maybe there are some other Mom's with young kids there, not sure.

Somebody asked me what I wanted from MWO early on & I wasn't completely sure. Then she said it's OK to not know. Also that it's OK to change it around to. Which for myself makes sense. As that's what's happening in life & in my head to.

Hope you will stick around!... Along with Kdog, paully & anybody else who may be feeling a bit disconnected. Like I said on the other thread where I briefly responded to you, I think it's natural to feel this way in the beginning & even still at times. Maybe more so for those of us who have chosen to be freebirds like myself.

The main thing is, that from what I've found out over the years I've been at this sobriety ~ recovery business is, it's imperative to stay connected to others who have this problem or addiction. As it likes for us to isolate & that's not a good thing from my experience. It can lead to drinking. So welcome to the family Raven, your stuck with all of us! Some of us are a little nuts, but generally in a good way. :H :l

Hope the rest of your week go's smooth.

Wildflowers. :h
__________________

[Raven2012]

Trying to find my way

Hi Wildflowers,

I remember reading a few of your posts and seeing how very kind and insightful you are. You're right, I don't really know what I want just yet. Only know that it's different than what I have. I do relate very much to moms with children, for the reason that that seems to have been the point when my trouble started. I guess women in general, not just moms. I think thats what I like about MWO is that there are a lot of women here and I think thats because it was founded by a woman and with the cute little profile and dangling sandles on the cover of the book more women than men are likely to pick up the book. Not to say that men don't have a lot to offer, they do, but when it comes to friendship, its easier for me with other women.

I've gotten a lot of good advice. I just need to find a way to get my husband out of the house and away from me and our little ones for a while. Its not so easy. I feel entitled to stay here as I have a beautiful home office and my files and everything are here, he can go to starbucks. It's not fair that I be disrupted. And he is a big distruption and downer for me. I have been good, I never drink before 6PM and in the last few days not at all. So I just need help dealing with his horrible moods and the depression that comes with them. He, of course, thinks there is nothing wrong with him, So its all up to me to change.

[Raven2012]

Trying to find my way

Ok, just so I don't offend any men that happen to read this. Please understand, I have changed everything in regards to my personal habits since we married 12 years ago. My physical appearance is the same (and he appreciates that or so he says) but he felt that his way was right and mine was wrong so I had to adapt and change my ways to suit his. That's why I'm on antidepressants and he's not. He loves the rolling stones "under my thumb" and entire collection so thats what I'm up against.

[Wildflowers]

Trying to find my way

Hi Raven.

I think your very kind & insightful to, just as so many of us are! I didn't start drinking during the day until my forties after I lost my lead position job (that I'd worked my way up to) when the economy had a melt down & so did I. My girls were teens then. Very bad, but I really needed it to function at that point. I became quite sick, then better, then sick.! As my alcoholism had progressed. But, I didn't drink on the job. I also ended up being a bartender before that. Perfect for an alkie. Good money As I had to recoup $15,000 annual pay so we wouldn't lose our home. Hubs & I fought!.... I was up for 19 hrs all the time. Had sick grandparents, I took care of to. Then switched careers, up at 3:30. Feck~ after I lost my job, I almost drank myself to death. Then there were all the times I modded, harm reduction to. I mean I tried it all, but ended up a sorry mess, time & time again. I'm done now!!!....

Hey, I just realized I have opened up to you & shared. Thank you Raven! You've made me feel comfy! I think like Slay writes about these things to & have been wanting to get on her thread. But, I need to get going. I want to get on Purple hearts thread to. I do luv this place most the time!.... It's really grown on me!.... I think if you stick around it will on you to hun. Of course there will be times it pizzes ya off just like any family or community, but that's OK. It's just like real life hun.


When my girls were little, I was in my twenties & thirties I was a binge drinker & drank wine, very occasional anything else. Parties, camping, bowling. But, almost always over drank, like in my teens & I had bad problem, but was very functional. Tho, I admit to smoking a little weed here & there mainly in Pm for sleep. I had the energy of 2-3 woman. I think a little sub type ADD as it seemed to help me focus, now that I reflect back, but wasn't addicted to it. Was very responsible!... Had a corparate type job once too. After 2nd girl was in first grade was in college. Waiting to get into nursing school. Tho, it wasn't my first or second choice ~ dream. I was planning a future divorce. Bam... hubs lost middle mgmt HR job. He also had a construction background. Has a formal education. Was working on MA. We both dropped out of school. He worked two jobs for quite awhile, even delivered pizza. Sent out 100's of resumes. It was very hard!!!... I met Moms at girls school & one offered me a job at night being a cocktail waitress.

This whole marriage, raising kids, aging parents is really hard!!!!... Ours are gone except my Mom now. My hub has a job & wished we could afford to take a vacation apart. But, am just grateful that we have stayed in our home, he has a job & maybe I will get back to work one day. I must stay sober!!!... Thank Gawd he's going fishing Fri on his day off!... He's a great man, hubs, father & friend!!!! I love him!!!!... It took years to get it all worked out!!!.... But, spending too much time together isn't healthy!!!....

He wasn't always this way!!!.. I've been just as awful as him!!! It took me a long time to realize his issues are his & let him own his!!! It seems it takes men much longer to grow up in many cases then woman. Their egos sometimes, along with the fact their dopamine & testosterone levels run quite high until late forties, early fifties according to what my old counselor told me. Plus I have my own ego, issues, female hormonal things to. We ea have brought things from our pasts into the relationship. Once I matured & was able to love him like my brother & friend, had done counseling, recovery & step work I was able to see him & myself differently. Of course this recovery & life work is on going. I have much more compassion for him now & myself!

Can you sit with pen & paper write out a few good things about him that you like? Along with asking him how proactive is he being about getting a job? Temp agencies, etc. What is he willing to do? Treat him like a GF. Compromise. Let him know since your working at home that you need quiet time to concentrate. Men love to be appreciated, just as we do!... I faked it a lot!... They love their egos soothed, but so do I. The child, the friend, the adult all need nurturing!... I know how hard this is with little ones to. I think we made it cause we didn't have money, we were committed, we made ea other laugh. I had my personal faith in HP!... I'm fighter!... We both came from divorce to. But, I made so many personal sacrifices, not sure if I'd do it again Yet, I think I would, over all!.... I mean I can't go back & our girls are on the right track. They are kind, caring, smart, wise, funny, beautiful young woman! :-)

Keep encouraging him to hit the pavement!!! Unless his employment has run out, it may be better for him to take any job then no job. Getting out of the house, even volunteer work. His big ego may be bruised, but it still is better than doing nothing. Talk about this with a respectful & kind tone in your voice, as much as you can muster up, as it will go along way!... He's hurting too!.. I hope since he's not working he's carrying the extra load around the house, errands, etc. I hope his supporting your efforts in abstaining, or modding.

Oh & a good roll in the hay might help. I had sex with mine back then even when I didn't want to. It helped!!.. That passion that sometimes gets lost after having children can be rekindled. Put something sexy on & find your animal passion inside. Believe me you will be able to get him out there networking & looking for work. Or out of the house. You will be able to motivate him!!!... It's our secret weapon. Top it off by being his Mother with a good meal. I will say it again, it's fecking hard being a Wife, Mom & Career Woman, home owner to. Yes, we woman are fecking awesome!!!! No really the goal eventually is to be equal partners. It will be a great gift to your children as well. It just takes time, work & patience. Like all good things, it takes practice, to become proficient at. Can you get a babysitter & have a date night to reconnect? I don't know what you can afford, or both your interests & it's none of my business either, but if you can it most likely will benefit you both. Even if only once per month.

Yes its hard ~ stressful we end up looking to the bottle to calm our nerves. Sigh!...... But, there are better healthier & happier ways. Because eventually that bottle will come back & bite you, your family in the ass!!!.... We can't turn back the clocks!!! If you could control your drinking you wouldn't be on a recovery forum for alcohol!.... You'd be on a diff forum just for Moms & possibly ranting & raving about hubs. But, I get the impression you love him. Please forgive me if I'm wrong!...

See if he can take the kiddies to the park, indoor gym, the mall, etc. Tell him you understand why he's down, I mean if you were out of work you'd be too. Have each others backs!!!! Support each other!... This is what marriage, friendship, commitment is!... Your not each others enemies. Talk to each other. Look for the goodness in each other, its there! It's a team effort!!!! This is so supposed to be a partnership that you build, sorta like a business. Try not to play a tit for a tat game. I'm sure after 12 yrs of marriage you know which red buttons to push. Yes, we are often more mature, better communicators. We have different love languages to. So we need to learn what they are & utilize them hun!. But, men are better at many things to & believe me it often seems to appear later. Mine now has the patience of a saint. I never would have guessed. It's yes dear, but I generally don't take advantage either. We are family ~ friends.

As for MWO. I was told ebb & flow. It's OK to not know what we want. We can change our minds, make it what we want. Sometimes I do & my needs are fulfilled here & other times not. Nothing is perfect!...That it's OK! I'm happy your not drinking all the time. We have to learn to find healthier ways to cope. Of course your an intelligent woman & know this!!! You are doing this now. You are aware of the Mods section here & there are some very lovely & supporting people there to.

I like woman better now, but I like having guys here & we need more of them imo. In my life I've have preferred having a male boss. Woman can tend to be competitive & non trusting in my experiences. I'm more mature now in some ways & have found that woman will have your back. :-)

PS. Let your hubs know that if he think he's the first perfect guy, he can arm wrestle mine for the title. It's a joke now in our house. Yes, a joke. Hubs admits to his big male ego now. I love him for it!.... He should have been a cop!... I have to remind him that not everybody is perfect like him. He can be a big baby too. LMAO. :H

Hope you have a good day!

Love, :h

Wildflowers :l

[Mick]

Trying to find my way

Hi Raven and welcome to you...just since your first post shedfuls of people have replied..Just jot around the various threads...as most of us do and introduce yourself..think I did that somewhere..or did somebody mention something about crashing and a gate?? :H:H
To my knowledge, you dont need to belong to any groups either,I dont so jump in ,be part of it..we are all here for one reason

[Raven2012]

Trying to find my way

Hi mick & wildflowers,

I can't believe a guy was actually brave enough to respond! Thanks Mick my fella! I appreciate it.

Thank you Wildflowers, so much for your kind reply. I think what I have felt is that when I initially joined the board, a lot of the sr members were very helpful. Mario, k9, mamabear, gutairisra, they welcomed me and I felt they were my friends. But I think they are kind of the, and this is not a bad thing because every group needs one, welcome wagon and once your in you find your way. I get it they need to spread themselves across the community and can't hover over every newby. So I think with the help of you all I can surely find my way.

I also think that my posts tend not to be a "crisis" mode that they don't get as much attention. That's just me, I do have drama in my life but I'm a subtle person so I don't share it outwardly

Wildflowers, Your post was amazing by the way, read it twice, thank you so much for being willing to share so much of yourself to help others. That is how we can make a difference


Best,

Raven

[mario]

Trying to find my way

Hi raven another guy here, Just welcoming you to MWO.It does take a small while but you will eventually click in where you feel most comfortable,But dont forget you can post anywhere anytime on any thread in any forum. hope to see you around :-)

[Raven2012]

Trying to find my way

Hi Mario,

Thank you so much for your response. You know, after I wrote that, I thought about it might have the potential to be taken the wrong way. What I really meant is that I can't expect everybody to respond all the time and its just I'm so darn sensitive right now.

And I think you knew what I meant, you are a class act, I thank you for taking the time to check in. I will find my way.

Best,

Raven

[Mick]

Trying to find my way

Hi Raven...how you doing today?Keep that positive attitude..get a couple of positive "p"s from pourquoi over in abstinence or general ..and put them in your pocket for when you feel down :l..if needs be you can always pm me