Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hope so Starty! It does feel like, in general, that I am re-finding myself - ESPECIALLY in social situations where the last 15 years (and especially the last 12) I have allowed booze to be an assistant to my personality.

The irony is, however, was that there were times too, after a certain amount to drink, when I found myself not necessarily engaging with folks and I could feel even more "locked up" in me head world. I'd then do the Houdini act and suddenly disappear ... and slouch off home. (for another couple of glasses of wine no doubt).

[startingover]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RunningCourage;1434549 wrote: Hope so Starty! It does feel like, in general, that I am re-finding myself - ESPECIALLY in social situations where the last 15 years (and especially the last 12) I have allowed booze to be an assistant to my personality.

The irony is, however, was that there were times too, after a certain amount to drink, when I found myself not necessarily engaging with folks and I could feel even more "locked up" in me head world. I'd then do the Houdini act and suddenly disappear ... and slouch off home. (for another couple of glasses of wine no doubt).

Exactly, I was an isolator too, just staying at home to drink and get depressed. Since giving up booze I have made many friends and am able to socialise in certain situations. Not keen on the party atmosphere tho. Seems to panic me a bit

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

startingover;1434551 wrote: Exactly, I was an isolator too, just staying at home to drink and get depressed. Since giving up booze I have made many friends and am able to socialise in certain situations. Not keen on the party atmosphere tho. Seems to panic me a bit

That's what i want to find eventually - the ability to go to parties, enjoy myself and realise when is a good time to leave because, actually, people are just pished and nothing of benefit is going to come of it.

I suppose what I am dreading this new year is the inability to leave a party I might attend - it's in the highlands of scotland - I could leave, but it'd mean an early new years morning drive (which at least now is an option being sober!)

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Tomorrow's Hogmanay

Tomorrow's Hogmanay.
Scotland's biggest piss up.
I could burrow far away,
far from where i'd slip up...

But hootenanny i will go
face drunken hubris and cheer.
As tick tock tick goes far too slow
old sober night, new sober year.

But anxiety is killing -
I'm simply scared I'll hate it
Sobriety is filling
me with dread that i wont make it.

I try to stop the thinking,
Just say 'one mo at time...'
Same way i stop the drinking.
The night, it will be fine...

(Fingers fucking crossed it will be.... )

Cat wrote this today: You know, last night I thought about drinking briefly, just to sabotage my progress. I realized it was fear - fear of always being sober, fear of never drinking again, fear of not having that emotional release if I really needed it. I saw it as the fear it was, and said to myself, one day at a time. Funny how scary sobriety is. I take heart from folks like Lav who have many AF years now. I'm guessing it's no longer scary.

I want to put it here as the fear of always being sober articulates so well what might be a caving point for me. And one i need to be aware of. Especially right now, at parties, hogmanay or in times of stress... So many folks here have been dealing with great stress, yet remain a definite fortitude against just having a drink... There's is an inspiration. And Byrdie who, even at a time of stress and family matters, still has time to post and say hey, but even this aint gonna make me reach for the glass.

So I'm thinking of what people here have said, say, and hope I can keep it all close as I enter the fray of the Hootenanny...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Letting Go (one of my favourite posts)

Thank you to Brydie for finding this for me. Thank you to KTAB for writing it.

By KTAB:
Letting go.

Acceptance and denial seem to me to be key elements of moving on. How many of us have truly 100% accepted our alcoholism and let go of the niggling doubt that maybe somehow someday the clock could magically be turned back to a time when we were 'normal'?

As I see it, it is very simple, we have two choices, accept our problem, make the life changing changes necessary or continue to skirt the real issue. I have been clean now for a little while but a couple of weeks ago the friday night feeling hit and the thoughts of how nice a beer or two would be in the local and the cravings of course started. Two beers would have been nice and I am pretty sure I could have stopped at two but it would just have awoken the beast in me again and I would drink again the next day. Maybe its only me but food is somewhat similar, when I get in the mood for say a pizza or an indian meal and dont have it that night, the thought will sit there semi dormant but I will end up eating that food at some time over the next couple of days. I wonder if this is indicative of how the craving and reward centers of my brain are programmed.
Anyway I digress, I didnt drink on the friday but of course the thoughts werent far away and on saturday afternoon I was in the supermarket and found myself in front of the mountain of wine bottles, I picked one up and put it back down, I had allowed the thought to come to me 'hey about a bottle of wine to have with dinner?' I ran with it and then it came the 'maybe you should get two just in case' Then it hit me like a sledge hammer who was I kidding, this addiction wasnt going to go away, the alkie thinking was still there, the lying, the hiding the sneaky drinks were only a breath away. I stopped and bought a bottle of coke.

So I got to thinking about this, was there some part of me still clinging onto the idea that I can drink again? Obviously there is. So what do I do about it? I am back to the two choices, either I accept this or I dont. I believe it is very hard for us to accept that this is our life now and I think that is why so many here keep failing time after time, because they dont give it over totally, I am probably one of the biggest offenders.

If there is a big grey animal in the room with a tusk and a trunk it can only be an elephant. If I am still here posting on an alkie forum after nearly three years looking to help my problem drinking then I am an alcoholic, so if I am born 4 foot 6 with a one ear, green eyes and a big conk I cant change that can I? no more than I can change the fact of my alcoholism either but I can accept the fact. Ok, thats sorted, so without being over dramatic I can stop drinking or I can continue which would undoubtably take years off of my life and result in the quality of the years I have left a hollow shell of what they could be.

After true acceptance comes a sense of relief, a sense of peace and the first step on the path to gratitude for finding however we did the true escape and the right to lead a full and proper life without the ball and chain of AL chaffing the skin on our ankles.
Letting go sounds good to me, how about you?

[Dottie Belle]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thanks RC I needed that...
Dottie

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

I sure I needed that, too. I am struggling with the 'forever' thing, as well. Guess I haven't really, fully accepted yet, either. How exactly does one make that happen? It has gotten a little better, but it seemed that the high point of my day was just going to bed, ending another sober day........what does that say about the quality of one's life? Hope that will change.

Hi Dottie, hope you are hanging in there ok. So hard right now, with the situation with your dad......if only we could go back to happier days.....the future just doesn't seem very bright right now.....I can only trust that it will get better......

Had my own very close brush with AL on Christmas Eve. I can't believe how close I came. It was frightening how quickly I was almost out the door, before the last liquor store closed at 11pm. Started posting instead, and although I deleted it, the urge melted away. Thank God. Glad I didn't have to start over, yet again. I didn't even think for a minute about the most hellish withdrawal (the last one) I just went through.

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, almost free & anyone struggling with the 'forever' thing......

I know you've heard it before but honestly - develop an attitude of gratitude & that struggle will melt away
If you haven't already, read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. That book finally convinced me to keep myself & my thoughts in the present because that's all we really have, right

Wake up grateful everday for your newfound sobriety. Care for it & cherish it with everything you've got!!!
Don't be tempted to pity yourself, be happy & proud of your decision & great accomplishment. Be a positive role model for others who may be in trouble as well.
And please give yourself time to adjust to the new & developing 'you'. I had a lot of fear in the beginning too because I had never been a non-drinking, non-smoking adult! Then I realized that I really could make myself over into anything I wanted. I think I've turned out pretty well

Just keep following your path, pay attention to today & the rest will be OK

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Lavande,

You are right. I should focus on being grateful...... that I am free from the enslavement of AL, rather than focusing on feeling resentful and deprived. I've been really wrestling with stopping smoking, too, for my New Year's resolution. I will have 30 days AF tomorrow, and I've seen a lot of people on here who have been able to go NF as well. You are an inspiration in that department, (as well as being AF), along with AllanKay and others.

I had quit for over 20 years, but took it up again as a crutch, in place of alcohol, when it didn't seem I would ever achieve sobriety. I was able to go out and have a smoke instead of taking a drink, when I was under a lot of stress. It seemed to help, (I got over 2 years of sobriety), but I definitely need to stop again. It took me five tries to stop, but I kept trying and finally was able to give up cigarettes. Wish I hadn't started again, but, whatever.......maybe I'll want a cigarette so bad, I won't even think of a drink. Here's hoping.....

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

p.s. I am currently reading Eckhart Tolle's other book, A New Earth, which was recommended by someone on MWO. Wish I knew about The Power of Now, I could have picked it up at the same time. I'll get it when I take this one back. Thanks.

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hey,
30 days AF tomorrow :yay:
Good for you almost!!!

I had a special extra incentive that made me stick to my quits - my first grandchild
I figured it would be so nice if he never saw me drinking or smoking & so far he has not.
Now I have three grandkids helping me stick to my quits

There is albsolutely nothing to fear ~ I promise!

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thanks Lavande,

Hope I can be as successful as you have been on both fronts. But AF has to come first, for sure. Guess I'll call it a night.....one more day down......'night, all!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 30, Hogmanay 2012

Morning Almost, Lav, Dottie... great to wake up to your discussions here.

So tonight is Hootenannay and right now, reading your posts, reading others posts, I feel OK with it. I feel that i have got my head into the "I'm not drinking" and the "it's only for a night" mind sets. But sitting here, first thing in the morning thinking and feeling this is far removed from the actual being there, living the experience. A big part of me prays my phone gets reception so as i can read and post here.

Lav, I will also look out The Power of Now. There are flashes, moments when i just about get the attitude of gratitude, even feel it. But I'd be lying to say it was a consistent thing. Or that I got it - as in really got it. I haven't yet. Which is why Cat's words from yesterday and KTAB's post are important as motivators to keep going along this route.

Some folks here have mentioned added incentives such as children and grandchildren to help them keep their quit. I don't have such incentives. And in many ways this makes the keeping of the quit harder. Less accountability perhaps. Or lack of another pair of eyes to look into - a pair of eyes to look into sober and honestly, without shame or remorse and a pair of eyes that looks back with openness and love pleased (wittingly or unwittingly) to see you for who you truly are, to experience you for who you truly are. I could so easily give in to an attitude of "I have no dependents other than me, I can do what I like, who will know, who will really care, there are no eyes to see me right now."

But there are.

My own.

Your own.

And if I cannot love and respect myself with humility and grace, as a human being worthy of a happy sober life, then how can i expect anyone else look into my eyes with the same respect and love?

I used to, when I was in my twenties, say to myself "I'll stop drinking a bottle of wine each night when I have met someone" I still hadn't met that someone when I finally came here. The only thing I was meeting was my evenings with bottles and cans. Hardly filled with love and respect for self that. I'd known for years there was an issue with the drink. I'd hunted around on line for literature, reading AA stuff etc.
Deep down I knew that if there were issues to be dealt with, they needed to be dealt with sober.
Deep down I knew that the person I was looking at each morning was only half of who I was. I could only feel the me I had had beaten up with booze.
Deep down I wanted to know, who am I sober? Who am I if I just gave up booze for a year, for a decade even? What do I grow to become?
Deep down I wanted to be stronger.
Deep down I wanted to live my real life, not my quasi-life of illusions of who I thought I was or might be.
Deep down I wanted to stop running away.
Deep down I wanted to look in the mirror and smile a wry smile with respect for who I am.
Deep down I wanted to wake up embracing life, walk through the days embracing life, go to bed tired embracing life.
Deep down I wanted to get as close to the truth as possible.

I am hoping that deep down is gradually emerging from once being deep down to being the here and now.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

The AA promises (as posted by Molls in Army Thread 31.12.12)


THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us?sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Congratulations RC. I love the AA promises. Loved your post, too. I think it really does help to post our feelings and what is going on with us. I've always admired your honesty and the courage it takes to put it out there. I know I was reluctant at first, but I honestly don't think I would have made it this far, without sharing what was going on with me. I would have just retreated into isolation and depression, feeling that nobody really gives a damn, anyway. Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.......Good luck tonight. I liked what Pinecone said: NOT drinking on New Year's Eve is now the cool thing to do....I actually feel that way today. We will all be thinking of you, tonight. Hope you can check in if you need to. Hugs