Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

BUT... here's the rub, stopping AL can and may reveal latent anxieties that one may not want to deal with, feel it too hard to deal with, not be ready to deal with. And that's OK. But it is, I believe, part of the recovery to work with and through these anxieties sober to find any true sense of contentment or"freedom" from AL.

The trick is having had these latent anxieties revealed to NOT deal with it by going "fuck it" and buying a bottle.

You said a mouthful, there! Eeeekk! Oh the things I'm having to address are sadist and frightening in nature to be honest, but you know when you finally step up to the plate and face them, decide to fight them and not give up, there is a feeling of empowerment and control over said issue or issues that feels good. You have to get over the fear, excuses and avoidance of facing the uncomfortable before you can have victory. How many years we waste avoiding...

My new avatar is the new me today. I'm ready to fight the battles and I am going to win!!!

"You just can't beat the person who won't give up."

Love,

Slay

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

almost free;1439168 wrote: Hi RC,

It's wonderful that you can get some relief from stress through physical exertion. It is a good alternative to both food and drink. I know, it does feel like we are 'running scared' a lot of the time. The sense of panic that we can't really make sense of rationally. Hard to deal with things that are sometimes difficult to define or analyze, much less get through.

Feeling very panicky myself this morning....I would go for a walk, or run, but since I started smoking again, (after a 20 year quit), I wake up, struggling just to breathe normally. Not good. My mom died of emphysema. I know I need to stop, but am too afraid not to have a crutch during these early days of sobriety.

Things in my life are quickly coming to a moment of decision. Huge consequenses, and just don't know what to do. No good options. My husband wants me to give notice, get rid of all the furniture, etc. and come home, leaving my son here. He wants nothing more to do with him and will certainly not allow him to live with us. My son desperately wants to leave here, but has nowhere else to go, if he can't live with us. He also no longer has a job back home, no friends, no car, where a car is a necessity.

Things are deteriorating quickly. He has stopped taking his niacin and his schizophrenia is quickly reasserting itself in alarming ways. I'm afraid he is going to lose his job. That will mean losing his place and belongings as well. A year's worth of exhausting work, effort and expense, all for nothing. Losing hope fast........oh, and today is his birthday.

Sorry, RC, didn't mean to hijack your thread.....I feel reluctant to post on the Newbie's Nest. People are no doubt sick of hearing about this. I desperately need to talk to someone, and you have been so open and honest about your own struggles. I guess I feel more comfortable here.......again, sorry....

AF, you can vent on the Special Call Out Thread...no worries of overkill. That's why it's there and to help people get heard if they feel unheard.

Both you and your son are feeling hopeless. Hope is what keeps us fighting!

Love,

Slay

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Almost -

Please don't feel bad for venting here. Hell, that's what i do with the Stella thread in my own way.

I am sorry it's still so hard with your son's position. This can't be good for your or your family's general well-being. But you cannot be all things to all people. You will blow a gasket. It seems your son must take his meds for him to have a chance to win the battle with his schizophrenia, let alone keep his job. Your husband, similarly must take a sympathy pill. At the same time, you have to give something up. You cannot live your life being a martyr for others. I have never invoked the serenity prayer publicly (despite my avatar), but I really feel you need to understand what it is you can and cannot change and be wise to making the right choice.

It's not easy, granted. But my fear for you is you will implode with all the family stress. You clearly have immense strength and will power to cope with what you are going through and maintaining your sobriety, but maintaining strength needs sustenance and I am not sure how much you are getting.

Do not stop posting. I think this is at least one means where peeps here can respond, listen, give advice and perhaps a wee bit of sustenance. Most of us are not experts (I certainly amn't) but we care and can relate in our own ways to your battles.

Be well Almost. :l

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Rc, just cross posted with you....thank you so much. I guess I can't yet accept the things I cannot change. It's always: what else can I do, what have I not done, surely, if I try this or that......on and on. I just can't accept defeat and give up. Thanks for being here. I can't tell you how much it helps to vent.



Hi Slay,

Didn't know about the Special Call Out thread. Is it under Gereral Discussion? I hope it's not somewhere with all new people, where I need to recount the whole endless story to give context. Just don't have the energy today.......

You know, Slay, I have faced many very difficult things in my life, and have never tried to avoid any problem or responsibility, even in the midst of my drinking. I have a very exaggerated sense of responsibility. EVERYTHING is my problem. I may have had to 'pace' my drinking, but I always dealt with whatever I had to.

The hard thing for me is to give up and accept the grief and suffering I know is down the road for me when everything falls apart for my son. I can't bear the thought of someone I love, alone, abandoned, delusional, suffering.....If it was me, no problem. I have proved over many years, and much to my chagrin, I can take almost anything. I just can't sit by helplessly when those I love are suffering.

Btw, Love your new avatar!

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

almost free;1439315 wrote: Hi Slay,

Didn't know about the Special Call Out thread. Is it under Gereral Discussion? I hope it's not somewhere with all new people, where I need to recount the whole endless story to give context. Just don't have the energy today.......

You know, Slay, I have faced many very difficult things in my life, and have never tried to avoid any problem or responsibility, even in the midst of my drinking. I have a very exaggerated sense of responsibility. EVERYTHING is my problem. I may have had to 'pace' my drinking, but I always dealt with whatever I had to.

The hard thing for me is to give up and accept the grief and suffering I know is down the road for me when everything falls apart for my son. I can't bear the thought of someone I love, alone, abandoned, delusional, suffering.....If it was me, no problem. I have proved over many years, and much to my chagrin, I can take almost anything. I just can't sit by helplessly when those I love are suffering.

Btw, Love your new avatar!

AF, here's the link: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...eds-71559.html It's new and old, those who felt ignored, etc. A place to feel alright to vent or yell out for help because you feel isolated, etc. NN needs to be more positive, so this thread allows some negativity without feeling like you may trip a newbie up.

I hear you, AF. I've been the same way. I have consistently tried to carry the whole world on my shoulders. I feel that is part of the reason I started to drink the way I did and for the reasons you stated in your last paragraph. I completely get it. RC has some good points in his response, but believe me, I feel you completely!!! I think some counseling for you would be very helpful. It's hard to be that rock ALL THE TIME! Especially when you don't have anyone feeding you back. You can copy this over to the link if you want, that way we don't hijack RCs diary. lol

Love,

Slay

:l:h:l

P.S. - Your quote on your edit: "Hi Rc, just cross posted with you....thank you so much. I guess I can't yet accept the things I cannot change. It's always: what else can I do, what have I not done, surely, if I try that......on and on." YEP!!! This is something we share, too. This is something you need to explore more within yourself. I've been doing that more and more, but it isn't easy and it is uncomfortable, but in the areas where I finally accept what I can't change and act accordingly and stop fighting it, I feel a freedom, relief and empowerment. BIG WORK to get there and tears, but figure it out within yourself...reason...clear head. When you do let go, make sure you've really worked it out so you can bypass the guilt trip of what if or...I'm there with my abusive marriage, but I took a hell of a lot before finally getting to this point. It is only today that I feel a bit better and ready to do what is right. Progress and growth can be painful.

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thanks Slay,

You are right. I guess I'm afraid that when I finally bow to the inevitable, I will be so overwhelmed with grief and depression that I will just give up on my sobriety, too. Nothing left to fight for.....just acceptance of complete failure. I know the desperate calls for help will come.......and I will be far away. I have never turned my back before. How will I be able to bear it? I don't think I will be able to.

I feel it is my primary duty, to raise my kids to be independent and able to take care of themselves. I have done that with the others, and have felt that even though it has been a LOT harder with the youngest, it will happen, if I just keep trying and don't give up.....Unfortunately, time has run out for me and for him. I never factored in the impossible difficulties of schizophrenia, with an adult child, who, in his condition, simply will not cooperate. I greatly fear, when all doors are shut and he is truly desperate, that he may harm himself. He was in that state, when I first arrived here: delusional, depressed, hopeless, homeless and suicidal. I was literally hiding the kitchen knives. I would greatly appreciate any good thoughts and prayers that anyone can send our way.

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

And my truly biggest fear: I'm afraid that in his despair, with all doors closed, he may end up harming himself; he was delusional, depressed, hopeless and suicidal when I first got here. I was literally hiding the kitchen knives......How can a parent just 'accept' that?

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 38

It's day 38. There's no desire whatsoever to drink. I enjoy turning over to sleep and letting natural tiredness take over and falling asleep. My sleep is generally a lot better, I believe - i get a solid 6 hours straight through, which was rare these past 10 years, unless I was paralytic the night before - but that wasn't sleep, that was my body on damage limitation duty. I could do with giving myself a little more sleep though. In time.

---

I am a mountain goat. I live upon a mountain. Not a big mountain, but significant enough nonetheless. For years the mountain has been plagued by mountain fog. Mists that have bee so thick as to obliterate the view of anything more than five feet in front of me. Occasionally, true, the mists lift momentarily and I see what is beyond my mountain. I have seen, for example, other mountains, larger than the one I live upon, not far from here. But as soon as I have glimpsed them, the mist races up the mountain to blind my view once again.

I carry my rucksack. But it had become laden.

My mountain is safe. There are all things upon this mountain in order for me to survive. To live. But something inside says this is not the mountain I should be setting up shop. Something tells me I have stopped here but should have moved on. This is not the mountain for this mountain goat.

My laden rucksack had to be lightened.

So I stopped drinking.

And the fog stopped falling. The mist lifted and I could see a little clearer more of what was around me. I looked out over distant peaks, distant plateaus and ridges and truncated spurs that I might, if I choose, go and explore. But to do this, I need to come off this mountain. I need to walk down, and through the valley floor. I need to face the life and people down there. Just as they are and just as I am. And it would be hard if I chose to walk down the mountain side and through the valley floor. For only walking through the valley floor, facing up to what is down there, can I ever have the opportunity of climbing to the top of other mountain tops. And it is these mountain tops I want to be at. These higher hills. Ones that require more strength, honesty and acceptance.

My rucksack is still laden.

It is not just the burden of drinking that needed to be released from my soldiers, but the burden of what I am now beginning to see. The real challenge: that in order to grow up and go up, I need to come down. I need to come down to slowly, gradually unpack what shit is in my rucksack. To cleanse and repair this rucksack and repack with lightness and forgiveness and acceptance...

And climb my new mountain.

It sounds so easy, does it not? Perhaps. But the rucksack feels like Pandora's box. And if the only good that came from Pandora's Box was hope, then I'm not sure whether hope is enough. In fact, I believe it's not enough. I believe that what I need to do is not to hope but,

To believe.

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

We could be twins... I feel the same way you do and went through the same thing this past weekend. I feel like I have control over taking a drink, but once I have one drink and the good numb feeling sets in... I don't want it to stop. The only way I can stop thinking is to drink and I think CONSTANTLY. You are correct that even the smallest task can seem huge. It's not easy, but you have to push yourself to do it. I struggle with that every day. So don't feel alone! I am now at 2 days AF. So we could be twins. Hang in there!

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

To Almost Free

Almost free, I replied to you on the special thread link. I don't want to take over RCs thread.

Slay

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Running Courage....I'd like you to meet Running Courage. You two will get along swimmingly....in fact, you will come to love and respect each other deeply. You will see the many gifts that you have to offer....here's to a lifetime of friendship...with yourself! Love you, B

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Byrdlady;1440488 wrote: Running Courage....I'd like you to meet Running Courage. You two will get along swimmingly....in fact, you will come to love and respect each other deeply. You will see the many gifts that you have to offer....here's to a lifetime of friendship...with yourself! Love you, B

Thank you Byrdie. I think not drinking just revealed another wee battle I bottled up (literally)... Learning to love, appreciate and really take care of oneself.

Dear reader,

If you are reading and resonate with this in anyway, please consult the following thread for encouragement on how to win the battle of self-acceptance (oh, and get over the AL shit): BE HUMAN BE IMPERFECT GET SOBER

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 40

Retreated from posting awhile here. But I was taken to be reminded this morning of a poem I wrote years ago about my relationship with drink being aking to that of a relationship with a (bad) lover. It's on this thread here: Letter to my lover.

Through looking out that poem, I realised how much I used to write - not daily, but often, and to be honest, often in the evenings with drink to accompany. However despite this, what is both helpful and interesting is that there is a written history of what my thoughts were at one time. They may be bullshit, they may be insightful, they may be maudlin... but whatever they were they were a vent, a means for me to dig and workout the world around me as I perceived it.

So just now I feel a bit BLEH. Just saying, that's all.

Work is FINE... but not like i get up and go "WOoHOoooo" ... but I'm continually questioning not just about my job, but teasing ideas about, is this the career path I want to continue down...

Living situation .... is potentially looking up as one of the roomies might be moving, (she and I share the lease)... so if this is the case I have suggested we all look to move out in a couple of months. Will know more by end of the week I hope.

Being me... this needs work. I am aware of the resentment and the disdain I have for my body and my abilities and this is eating away at me. I used to sooth it with AL. Now all I have is the ability to turn my back on it. But it's still gnawing away.

There's a wee tiny wee voice in my head that says "go on, get a little fat!" Really there is. :H :H

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Being me... this needs work. I am aware of the resentment and the disdain I have for my body and my abilities and this is eating away at me. I used to sooth it with AL. Now all I have is the ability to turn my back on it. But it's still gnawing away.

It's so amazing to read your thoughts about your abilities when I soooooo admire your ability to write so well. I envy it and there you are criticizing your abilities. Crazy, eh? A few years back I took a couple courses in creative writing and started to write some stories. Instead of continuing, I married and my life went to hell and I gave up all my passions to meet his. Insert curse word or lol depending on the day. Drinking was one of my ways of coping with giving up on myself and putting up with such abusive using behavior I received in return. My addiction to him was very similar to my addiction to AL. I am slaying them both, but it isn't easy, and I feel down about my abilities and such as a result of both addictions. It's interesting or maybe another word would be more applicable here that someone with such an obvious skill doubts his abilities. Hmmm...maybe we need to learn we can't be good at everything and learn to appreciate and cultivate the areas we do have strength in doing well. We can't be perfect, and yet we seem to judge ourselves against that yardstick.

Oh no, I'm sinking back inside my head...

Love,

Slay

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thank you Slay.

To be honest, right now I feel I have negative thoughts and emotions that have gripped me in a full-nelson. I feel caught, pressured, a little scared. But more, it just feels a wee bit like rage. And I'm not sure where or how to release it, defuse it, placate it...

Gripped. That's a good word. That's what it feels like. It feels like I've been gripped. Gripped and torn two ways by vying thoughts and emotions; as if my brain's grey and while fields of matter have been chosen as the battle ground for some revolution.

I spent a good part of today thinking "fuck it, have a drink. Really, fucking have a drink. Who really gives a fuck? Have one! What's the matter with you... HAVE ONE! HAVE A GOD DAMN DRINK..."

Two weeks ago, I was thinking, 'hey, this aint so bad... maybe I can do this!' Now, I'm aware how close to the edge of KTAB's proverbial cliff I am. Teetering, tempting and titillating my taste buds... With a proverbial two fingers to the rest of the world.

But in truth, this rage, this rage that is hidden and that I hide so well in reality through jokes, or slapping on a smile, or just by non-engagement... this rage feels like a cover. A cover for just wanting a hug, someone to turn to, someone to hold and to hold me, while un-wept tears silently begin to fall.









And then I read back and want to slap myself...