Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I would suggest a career change...except don't go into sales. My customers are pecking me to death. Peck....peck.....peckpeckpeck! It's a slow and agonizing demise. While getting yelled at, you have to hold your temper as if your livelyhood depends on it. Even if they are crazed idiots exspousing how MY corporate idiots are out to get them...even if they cheat and lie to me and avoid my calls. No, don't go into sales...as we speak, I see my left foot being pecked off...I'm liable to need that later, so I'll miss it. My ass got chewed off a long time ago...I miss that too. Tough day at the office today...(as if you couldn't tell). But not ONE time today, did I think that drinking would improve anything (unless I could smash a bottle over the heads of these big peckers). That's as close as I can get to a penis joke today....hugs to you, dear RC. BIG HUGS! B

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Byrdie and RC, all our jobs suck right now. Whether in the absolute or just to us, they suck. So. Tomorrow they will probably suck too. But I tell you what - I'm going to come back here, to this thread and my other home bases, and find you peeps, and share a laugh, and remember how god damn great it is that I never need feel lonely again.

With much love and a reason to feel grateful,
Cat

[paulywogg]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

it may feel like you are repeating yourself over and over r.c,but i like to keep up with whats going on with you and how you are feeling,this is one of my fave threads

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Catbuddy;1466408 wrote: Byrdie and RC, all our jobs suck right now. Whether in the absolute or just to us, they suck. So. Tomorrow they will probably suck too. But I tell you what - I'm going to come back here, to this thread and my other home bases, and find you peeps, and share a laugh, and remember how god damn great it is that I never need feel lonely again.


In so many ways you are so right Cat. My rant (which part of me wants to pull down fearing it's just a puddle of negative venom, but part of me wants to be true to how I feel at different stages) was less about work per se - yes there are issues there and yes at times, for a number of reasons, i aint that happy... BUT, really what I am raging against is my inability, i believe, to deal confidently, courageously, maturely with my feelings.

Instead, I don't deal with them. Leaving a rancid apple in the dark at the back of the fridge aint gonna make it any less rancid. On the contrary. It'll eventually infect everything else.

I am not dealing with my negative emotions when it means interacting with others - period. I am still running from them (emotions and scenarios), ducking and a diving and a weaving away from them.

Perhaps my rant merely proved that.

paulywogg;1466515 wrote: it may feel like you are repeating yourself over and over r.c,but i like to keep up with whats going on with you and how you are feeling,this is one of my fave threads

Pauly - thank you. It's just me in me noggins trying to work things out. The really fecking AWESOME thing about it is that others join in and add their own thoughts, ideas, jokes, take the piss outta me, dare to mention the unmentionable and, as with your post, make me feel it is ok to have this thread.

Byrdie... you have only persuaded me never to go into sales - :goodjob: Thank you as ever m'dear

[NoSugar]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RunningCourage;1466697 wrote:
I am not dealing with my negative emotions when it means interacting with others - period. I am still running from them (emotions and scenarios), ducking and a diving and a weaving away from them.
)

Hi, RC

I've not posted here before but I've read your thread for several weeks now. I think you are an unusual and compelling writer and your insights are helpful to others, including me. Thank you.

I've seen you say things like the quote above several times. What strikes me is the contrast to the RC that lives on this forum. I guess you aren't really interacting with us, your readers, in the traditional sense, but you are challenging us, considering the replies, and responding again. There are some colorful scenarios (!) and a great deal of emotion in your writing. Some of your sentences are a bit circuitous (which is part of which makes them interesting to read!) but you certainly don't seem to be 'ducking, diving, or weaving' away from your issues or your readers. I'm sure you can tell by your thread followers that people like you and want to know what you are thinking.

Maybe some MWO-RC should go to work and to other social encounters WITH you - he seems to be a pretty popular, self-aware guy!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 83 - for Kuya

Despite recent rants, I'm going to be grateful today. Of course, as with most of us, there are aspects of our lifes with which we wish it were not so, or something was different, or things were better or etc etc...

I am grateful that I had a relatively calm day at work. Hardly any one was in. I just got on and did some stuff. I am grateful that I did not leave hating the place.

I am grateful that I started running this morning - for by starting, one increases the chances of finishing.

I am grateful that I can recognise why I can lose my rag when teaching - and know that this is a good thing for now I can amend how I teach while I'm teaching.

I am grateful that I am not over-thinking tomorrow at work (my ex will be there...), indeed I am grateful that for some reason my mind is not plagued with it as it once would have been.

I am grateful that although i am often tired, what with working through certain self-esteem issues, that I AM working through them.

I am grateful that sobriety has allowed me to do this.

I am grateful that - with a friend going missing for over a week now - I am, in theory, in a position to stop everything and do something helpful at any time of day or night if I need to.

I am grateful that I am on the whole calm.

I am grateful that I now have 83 days AF (well 82.5 to be exact) and that although this journey is not straightforward, not easy, that it is worth it and I am doing. The fact that I have started, means there is more likelihood that I will succeed.

I am grateful for MWO... I am grateful that such a place exists that has undoubtedly helped me do something I may well never have been able to do by myself. For the newbies nest which pulled me through the first few days and weeks and for Byrdie for being the first to welcome me here

I am grateful for all in the Army thread... for being there... for listening and responding and taking the piss. For their wise counsel. Combined, the army probably has decades of sobriety.

And I am grateful for Kuya... for being someone who has the wit, the love, the almost semi-magical knowledge and understanding of what I am thinking or going through at times. I have an angel and a demon on my shoulders. The demon is as the demon we all know - the really wicked, evil fucker of a demon, a malicious, malevolent mongrel. The angel is kuya - but perhaps not what we expect - none of that nonsense fairy wings or dressed in white. Nah, my angel kuya wears a long brown leather jacket, stetson hat upon her head, rides a horse, whips a whip and shoots bullets of truth from her guns held at hip height. Anytime the demon sticks a nefarious thought into one ear - Kuya fires a shot of truth into the other "POW!"

no more nefarious thought.

And I am grateful that I can write this about her so she can read it.

[pixie]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RunningCourage;1466208 wrote:

One thing I am beginning to become more aware of - and subsequently hating... and then finding it near damn impossible to change my thinking / feeling about - is my ego. How fricking sensitive it is. There's a relative new lassie at work who is quickly getting opportunities to advance her career through being part of various "symposiums and emporiums" (fauncy names for get togethers to talk shop and network), training courses etc... and today I caught myself thinking... "well of course you are - you're bright, intelligent, pleasure to work with... why wouldn't you... but you are also 8 years younger than me and you're racing ahead of me because you CAN do yoru job and you ARE a pleasure to work with whereas it would seem i CAN'T and right now am walking round the office so bloody MORBID, like Death's little brother has been left behind after some family excursion.... and I am not really seeing where my job is going other than being a glorified administrator..."

And then I feel my ego have a little throbbing pang to itself, a wee 'Ophelia' moment: "Woe is me!"

And then another wave of low-self esteem rolls in over me - dragging me down like undertow and back out to sea... and I'm thinking "what's the point?" "Why am i doing this job?" Am I doing it for me?" "Am I doing it for someone else?" "Am I doing it because i have made myself believe that this is the career path that i should go down... when I get such-and-such a job i will have 'made it', oh yeah. Keep trucking."

And as quick as that wave has washed over me, another comes. This one filled with rage and venom at people. Some of it directed at people through internal curses and turbulent wordy fights of frothing fury. Some of it just blind rage suppressed - sometimes just - by my skinny and meek mild mannered Clark Kent exterior. When really it just wants to say, very loudly, FECKING ARSEHOLES, THE LOTTA YOU.

RC, this description of how you feel at work, and about your career and your co-workers, really struck a chord with me. Except for the niggling details, that is an almost perfect description of how I've been feeling, though I don't think I could have put it into words.

For me, I think it's partly due to some guilt about all the years I wasted when I was drinking - just surviving at work day to day, rather than taking initiative, and not devoting any thought to goals or paths. I feel like I cheated myself. Watching others move forward in their careers is a reminder of missed opportunities.

But at the same time, even if I can get past that guilt and move on, seize the day and all that, I still don't have my motivation back. I'm more attentive, more productive, but I don't have that 'get up and go' to push myself. I feel like I'm still surviving day to day. It's not a terrible place to be, it's certainly better than where I was, but not where I would like to be.

Anyways, thanks for putting your thoughts into words, it is really helpful in trying to sort this all out.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Note from Day 87

Learning to wrap myself in sobriety. In the identity of "he who disnae drink." See me? This is who I am. And i like it. It's kind of alluring.

(this is an emergent thought... how we identify ourselves and beginning to perceive the changing identity we have of ourselves... and embracing that identity, that you.)

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Are you talking to yourself again RC? :H

[jenniech]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your day 83 post to Kuya RC!!!! I hope she comes back soon

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Me, too, Jenni....I miss her thoughtful perspectives. She has a solid head on her shoulders, and she's a dam good rhymer, too. xo, B

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Lavande;1469897 wrote: Are you talking to yourself again RC? :H

And when am I not?
you're not now.
yes i am
no you're not
am
not
am
not
am so
not so
nutso?
absolutely.
:nutso:

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 90

When first arriving here all I thought I knew was that I wanted to cease my damaging relationship with AL. Whether that ended up being modding or whether that was abstaining or whether it revealed something else altogether, all I knew was that at the moment I joined, I wanted what I was doing myself to end.

I sensed, I believed that there was something hidden, something inside of me or some part of me that was hiding. And i wanted to search this me out. I wanted to know who was hiding under a rushing red water fall. But to do so meant draining the river dry.

And this I have done.

What I have noted is this:
1. By giving up AL i have inadvertently exposed some of my weaknesses to myself: insecurities, low self-esteem, a quite glaring desire to not be confrontational. These I am trying to build on slowly. But it is hard work. For anyone - to change your whole way of thinking is hard work. But it can be done, if I stick with it and don't let the off days derail me.

Even if everyday seems to be an off day, simply knowing that it aint forever, that there will be good days beyond the bad, is enough to see me through some of the off days.

2. K9 and Byrdie and others had often said, do often say, "if you ever consider having a drink - think ahead, play out what really happens when you have a drink." At first Id didn't get this because my drunk head could rationalise and say, well if you're gonna drink, you might as well have a good (read good as more than a couple) drink and if it's not more than a bottle of red, you'll be fine tomorrow. BUT NOW... now i DO think ahead - all the time - and even when I have a day off from work, the desire to drink is not there.. actually... the believe that I can handle a hangover, or even would want to handle one, has nearly evaporated.

3. Make a plan. I never thought I did this. But only now do I realise I did do this and I do stick to it. That's how easy it is. Simples... I've started to tell people that I don't drink. This slowly begins to reinforce - for myself and others' perception of me - that I don't drink.
The plan is simply the small but significant changes you make, and planning ahead for occasions where alcohol is involved. In your first month, please don't be afraid to make cancellations for gigs or dinner parties etc if you would under pressure to drink. At the start, the quit comes first. I'm at Day 90 and only now do I feel strong enough to go to a relatives for an evening - the two of us were big wine drinkers whenever I was in town.

My plan was and is along the lines of:
1. Try to have food on me person at all times (dried fruit, nuts, fresh fruit)
2. Avoid the pub. Go if there is a particular event on (gigs, quiz nights etc) where th focus is not on drinking and getting drunk
3. No AL in the home (well, no AL that belongs to me)
4. Drink plenty of fluids
5. I allow myself 0.0% AF beer (some peeps are not so keen on this and I totally respect this). I usually have one about 5pm or 6pm - after work, pint o'clock time. But I have it at home with my tea usually.
6. If going to a gig: plan ahead (who's going, how ya getting home, arrive late, leave early, eat etc)
6. Omitting AL will uncover unresolved issues... refuse point blank to deal with these drinking, and instead deal with them sober.
7. Cultivate three ways of looking: a) looking back at what I was doing with AL in order to remind myself why i quit b) looking forward beyond tomorrow or next week and believe that really there are better days free from AL ahead. c) realise the here and now. It's pretty groovy, even if it sucks sometimes. Be here, now.
8. Visit MWO daily. Like a number of others, I'm pretty addicted to the site :H
9. Keep telling myself that, actually, being a non-drinker is pretty cool, pretty radical and very non-status-quo.
10. Don't drink.


Here's a 90 day poem

I remember when I drank, I dreamt.
A day dream
A day dream that one day I would not drink.
That I would spend just one year sober
Before time tolls my time is over

I remember when I drank, I?d wish
My morning wishes,
That wished I would not drink
That sensed there was a ?me? beneath ?
This fogged mind, hung-over bequeathed.

I remember the morning I joined MWO
Posted a comment
That said hello
And wondered where this all would end?
Had I just forsaken (and myself offend)

Another life, the life that was
Bars and bottles
All drank for cause.
The cause of which I now forget
Because at night I would always let

Cans that can to come rustling in
To perch beside me
And sooth the din
Of voices and black shadows that danced macabre
Lit by the glow of my mind?s candelabra

Yet at 90, voices diminuendo
Black shadows slip away
As a small whisper crescendos
To appear ? ever so gradually, one moment at a time
To speak and say ?Bugger me, this sobriety?s fair fine.?

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Welcome back to the land of the living !

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Congrats, RC. Not an easy journey, is it. 90 days. We are remaking ourselves. Takes 9 months, I believe.

With love and praise,
Cat