Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[Tess-2]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thank you, RC, for the gift of You. ~

[Wine-no!]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC
I wanted to jump in and introduce myself, although I am way behind on page 14 of your diary so not up to date yet! As I am now quoting from your diary (hope you don't mind?!) in my diary, it felt odd to not say hello :hello:

I am on day 28. I am finally realising that I don't need and should not drink again but the enormously of that is starting to hit (ALarm button being pushed!). It is helping me so much reading your diary. Particularly as you are quitting over Christmas at the moment (page 14) and I have had anxiety about not drinking at Christmas!!

Will keep reading and hope to catch up to page 51 ASAP! Thanks for writing all this - it is a real help for me right now. The physical withdrawals were non-existent... It's the mental ones I'm coming up against now.

X

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 6 Months (183)

Kuya, as well as many others around here, have spoken about time.

The time it takes to recover.

The time we have given to AL and abusing our bodies.

The time it will take for things to change - and they do change, it is inevitable.

For me, often I forget about two things: 1) where i was when I came here (and where I was 6 months ago) 2) recognising that change can and does take time.

These sound trite and obvious. Perhaps. But despite the varying journeys we are all taking here - being AF for evermore, drinking moderately, re-aligning our relationship with AL in a way that means it is no longer a destructive force in our lives - and how we choose to empower ourselves to help negotiate our way through (some are solo travelers, some are social movers, some go to AA, some do not, some see counselors, others do not. Some invoke their personal concept of God, some do not, some white knuckle the ride, others embrace new found freedom. And others do not do any of these but still have their route to travel) we all should take some time to recognise the changes, small and insignificant as they may seem...

They are changes happening to you. Most likely they are changes that would not have come about had you not first faced up to a negative, debilitating, and for too many, fatal, relationship with AL.

Changes might be ongoing. Changes might not stick, but be part of the larger evolution of you. Changes might only appear to be an experience had one day, one evening, one moment. But they are all part of the journey.

D'Arsey's (thank you Dr Satz ) ongoing changes:
* visiting a counselor - working on D'Arsey's negativity towards himself
* running and racing regularly - for FUN - please don't think I'm like some athelete :H But I am getting better... really don;t beleive this would have been at all possible had I been drinking the way i was
* being t-total...
* moving into living by myself
* this community

Changes that might not stick
* joining walking clubs (still a member, but racing took over, so not done this this year)
* joined a running club (hope this one sticks, but only joined last week)
* visiting a counselor (it's not forever, and it MAY get to the point where I can't face up to the hardest part and back out...) (which then makes me wonder whether ...)
* being T-total... because a) see point directly above (this would NOT be good as it could well mean me reverting to my ol' drinking habits) or b) i choose neither to drink much at all, but neither be fundamentally T-total. In other words, I get a handle on it. Perhaps. But we're not ready for that yet.

Changes that only appear to be a one-off experience, but have potential lasting impact
* Joyous night out dancing sober
* first sober date
* meeting some of the army in person

And other wee things to be thankful for (or that I enjoy)
* getting into bed each night, looking forward to sleeping and waking up for breakfast
* sleeping solidly for 6 hours each night (I should sleep more, but seem to have trained myself only to sleep for 6)
* waking up each morning feeling refreshed and ... oh yeah... brekkie!
* aware that I am a tiny bit more forward when speaking as i am not having to avert AL-related paranoid thoughts first.

Yet, after 6 months, it is not as if it is plain sailing. I still have times where I am brought down by my own self-negating thought patterns. This is especially pervasive at work, and when I start to think deep down about what I want to do in the future. I'll be honest, it's difficult to know how much AL simply hid these feelings and thoughts and so I didn;t have to feel or think them in quite as chronic a way as I do. Or whether, actually, in hiding them, AL helped propel me into situations I would not put myself in sober - when really i should be putting myself there sober. At times sobriety feels the barrier.

I know.

It's not. (Well it is, but it needn't be.)

Yet, I am still on this journey with my, for lack of a better phrase, 'AF life'. And I still want and need to give it time. I often wish the changes would be big and dramatic. But they take time. And 6 months is a mere wee splash in the ocean compared to nightly drinking for near-on 14 years. And I mustn't forget where I was 6 months ago - that was a destructive, self-perpetuated drinking pattern that may only have been an extremely bad habit, but in all likelihood had only one direction.

And it wasn't to go make a cup of tea :H

[free at last]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I read your post on May 27th and now I want to read your entire journal. How poignant. Thank you!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thanks Free!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 186

There's a new thread - the Poetry Corner. Needless to say if there were the ubiquitous "like" button i would've pressed this for that thread. What it did have me do was remember a poem i wrote about 5 or 6 years ago called Monday's Whisky. Why Monday's i'm not altogether sure. Most likely is that it was a Monday I wrote it - and I would have been supping whisky. (Not necessarily a drink of choice as I tried to avoid spirits - unless it were the weekend - due to the fact that spirits had me wake up feeling as if my head, dislocated from my body, lay comatosed on the pillow next to me.)

And in looking through the wee vault of writing I have tucked away behind many dusty windows and doors within the computer I find some more writings. Quite a few reference booze. It was - and in many ways still is - a part of who I was/am. Quite a few I look at and, between you and me, I think "actually, these aren't so bad... some nice bits of writing here"... and I try not to let the voice of the loud haler in my head yell back "FORGET IT BOYO, WRITING IS BUT A DREAM" Or to be more precise, being recognized as, and recognizing myself as, a writer is but a dream.

Like I say, this is between you and me. Rather you didn't tell anyone, less I never write another word.

Having said that, I saw today an advert for nonprofessionals to write and perform solo work as part of an outdoor street performance, itself a part of Scotland's festival for Street Theatre and Circus Arts. Normally when I read adverts of interest the loud haler is so, well, loud, that I have to shut whatever site I have see the ad, put in earplugs, down 2 paracetamol and go for a nap in the dark. Yet, despite being a professional in the arts industry, I applied. It may come to nothing, but interesting to note I didn't think about applying for it but just did it. Of course that could have been foolish (says the voice of the loud haler)...

Anyway, I'll shut up now. Here's Monday's whisky...

Monday?s whisky

I don?t want you during the day?
Then I wish you were not a part of my life,
You pain me as I wake,
Try to shake you from my being?
But come evening,
I desire you,
Search you out
And lap you up.

You allow me to think that which I ought not to,
Speak likewise,
Write akin to those spoken words.

Imbue in me another reality,
An addictive love,
Warmth,
That I, in these adulterated nights,
Enjoy.

I excuse your being in me,
So as you can be in me,
For this night.
Yet another night.

You are my lover,
When I have no lover to be with.
You are my company,
When there is none.
You alleviate the solitude of loneliness.
A daily few hours of company
That defies the meaning of company.

Yet forever wishing I could live without you.
An attribute I wish I did not live with.
An attribute I wish did not become me.
Yet we are private lovers,
And no one need know.
No one does.

Our demonic love,
Dear whisky.

[sweetpea29]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Mr d'Arsey, so happy that ye have applied n turned the volume of that loud haler down:l

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I have just caught up on the thread and confess I have missed A LOT of the posts over May.

There is so much here.

Successful sobriety is about reintegration of self, coming home to who we REALLY are.

There is an aspect of addiction rarely touched, or perhaps it only applies to a few people. I am acutely aware of what it was, or is......... A genuine desire to die yet not wanting the guilt of suicide. The drinking, the smoking, the unhealthy lifestyle screams of a kind of guiltless suicide.

And WHY would I want to die? ......... To avoid /escape the core of my unworthiness, that feeling that pervaded and destroyed all enjoyment of my many gifts, joys and loves.


I 'did' therapy for years, it helped enormously, it stopped me breaking down emotionally but did not stop me drinking. I, too, fled the process before true healing ...... It was a part of me that felt too monumental to remove, yet was actually the ONLY part that REALLY required addressing.

It has taken 20 more years and sobriety to reach the point where I can finally risk removing that foundation stone.

Don't quit your self discovery now, in fact INTENSIFY it while you lack life's excuses of partner, house, kids, career path.

If you do not you risk a return to drinking or different addiction to obscure you from the truth or the truth from you. Trust me, the truth NEVER changes no matter how deep we bury it in bullshit.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 191

The dog is yapping.

The young kids are screaming.

The motor of some weed strimmer stutters.

My head is about to blow.

(Ranty bleh alert). I can't stand the fucking pressurized throbbing in my head. The voices that have become so multiple I no longer can discern what each of them say. It's like white noise. White negative noise. I've been here before. Many a time. But I really feel like giving everything in. Well, no, I don't. But I feel such pissed off-ness that I can't appear to do my job that well. I can do it, but I'm nothing to write home about. I can do it, it justifies the - arguably paltry - pay. I can do it, but you know and they know and we all know that there are many who could do it better. Fine. Do it fucking better.

It's a cloud. A heavy, suffocating smog that has immersed my mind. Admittedly perhaps I can't view things objectively right now, or perhaps I don't want to. Why? Because I'll see that i KNOW that what i do is, at best, mediocre.

So what happened?

The boss was wanting to do a debrief with me of the weekend i'd worked on/co-ordinated/produced work at last weekend. And all I could take from it was, she didn;t like what she saw. My work with the kids was not what she wanted the organisation to be seen to be creating - yes, deep down I really think this is what she thinks - my work is under par. And I, as a person am pretty much under par. I'm just not that [fill in the blank]...

I want to go to work and relish the challenge... I want to be open as I once was years ago... but I am just so filled with can't-be-arsed-ness half the time (though I don't show this)... and increasingly i am not part of any part of the organisation...not even the social side.

My head is reeling. I feel such physical anger I accidentally keep biting my lip. And i want to get fucked. Beer is calling me like it hasn;t done in quite a while. And the immediate thought is - actually, fuck having a beer, lets buy a keg for the week and fuck running, screw cycling, for really, when it comes to work, I am doing no better, nor no worse than when I was drinking. So fuck it let's just go there and DDDDRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Then the dog will stop yapping

Then the kids will stop screaming

Then the strimmer will stop stuttering

Then work thoughts will disappear

Then anger will subside

Then I will feel good

Then...

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, THIS is Addiction Head. He's telling you that drinking will make all these things go away. True, for about 3 hours maybe they will as you sink into oblivion, but trust me, the dog will still be yapping tomorrow when you wake up with the G/S/R Brothers. Guilt/Shame/Remorse are far worse feelings that what you may be experiencing today (generally today, as in, at this point in time).

Learning to cope with life IS WHAT THIS JOURNEY IS ALL ABOUT! This is why you are going thru the AF days! Getting thru things like this and coping with them in a normal way is what it's all about! We just want our fix, and DickHead is telling us a quick way to get it. This is growth! Giving in and giving up are exactly what he wants us to do.

I don't have to tell you the pain I felt when I was sitting with my dad back in December. The notes you wrote to me, I knew you understood it. Not one time did I consider drowning it all in AL....and that's the place you are trying to get to, right? A place where our 'go to' solution isn't the 'f -its' Getting sober is about learning to cope with life....Getting over these periods when we feel like what's the use, is when real growth happens. THIS is where you reach down and find out just what you are made of. If nothing else, just fake it til you make it. You will get to a day, when the thoughts of AL just aren't there anymore and it's a wonderful place to be. Freedom from addiction is the goal and you are getting there. Are there some rough spots along the way? Absolutely, but they are followed by MindPeace.

Try to come around from another angle....you aren't being deprived of a good buzz, but are learning a new skill. We abused our Buzz Privileges...but that's ok. Because normal is good. It's really good..... Byrdie

[Zenstyle]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Ach d'Arsey... have one of these... :l

There are ups and downs in life... periods of depression and periods of happiness... I'm hoping that you are just on a bad part of that cycle just now and that a good rant will help. Sometimes just getting your feelings out there and having others (or another) acknowledge them helps immensely and I hope that's the case here... XXX If not, then take it a day at a time and we'll help you to deal with whatever needs to be done.

Hang in there hon. And perhaps buy a peashooter so you can get the strimmer to stop his nonsense...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thanks guys.

Byrdie... wise ol' bird, eh?! :l Yeah i feel like i wanna go just drink... BUT... and Molls you're near hitting the nail on the head... i don't really know whether it's work per se, or whether it's me. My own lack of self-esteem, my own anxieities getting the better of me.

I try to wise up to it. Try to really look at my job objectively, from a different angle, place, person, time... is it the job, or is it me? Ach Molls, i dunno bout the depression. Sure today I've been feeling teary and just now could prolly do with a bawl... and then I think WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CRYING?!?! So i suppose i just try to hide from it... mutter on through...throw angry thoughts at people, dogs and garden strimmers, cyclists, drivers and walkers, and to the wee lassie making an awful fecking racket blowing a recorder with clearly no wherewithal as how to play the ruddy instrument. :box

I have a head that seems to perpetually argue with everything, every thought I have - I could say "is it any wonder I want a drink" but Byrdie, you are right, it's bullshit to think like that. More importantly it is trying. I feel I need to to find the strength to combat and overcome it. Just don't feel I have much strength, so instead i let it our on the moany Stella thread... better than a beer.

Anyone know any good Pope jokes?

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Not since Ex Benedict scrambled away......

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Sorry, Molls, I was rushed! It's the best I could do! You can't just pull great Pope jokes out of a hat! I didn't see any other papel rising to the challenge! :H

[satz123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Patron Saint of Camping????






Pope Pious the Tent :H