Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Addiction | Diesease | Choice

Interesting you tube vids, posted by Turnagain in todays Abbers thread

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxiKVQR90VM&list=PLA8F89537FD4C3FD1&index= 1[/video]]Addiction | Disease | Choice

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I was trying to find a thread that had been posted about this (saying good bye to the child 'you'). ...I guess since I can't, then I can claim the credit!
When I started drinking in earnest in college... then married shortly after finishing, I was just beginning to mature into adulthood. As most older folks will tell you, you really don't get all your 'Realize' until you hit 30. (Realize = Emotional maturity). So in my early 20's when I started weekly binge drinking..it's like my maturity level froze in place. Fast forward 30 years...can you imagine the 50 year old me meeting the 25 year old me for the first time? It was hard...I had a lot of growing up to do. It really was as if I met that vulerable young person for the first time. I had to tackle issues I'd swept under the rug for years. I had to get thru things to get over them. I think that these are some of the depressive phases that we talk about in the Nest sometimes...it's your chronilogical aged 'you' catching up with the 'you' you left behind. It took about 9 months I would say, for me to come to terms with who I now am. And I tell you what....I like what I am seeing. I have much more strength and respect for myself than I ever had imagined. I have done a lot of growing these past 23 months, not all of it pretty, but all of it necessary and very healing. The sober 'you' is waiting to be freed. I think you are going to be amazed at the journey. I wouldn't trade what I have now for all the AL in the world.
I'm so sorry that we are on this journey...but at least we are not alone. And as I always say, a victory that is hard fought is all the sweeter. To say this is a journey of self discovery is to do it a dis-service...it's much more than that. It is truly GROWTH in every way. I'm so glad you are here.....Byrdie

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

So in my early 20's when I started weekly binge drinking..it's like my maturity level froze in place. Fast forward 30 years...can you imagine the 50 year old me meeting the 25 year old me for the first time? It was hard...I had a lot of growing up to do.

Great point, Byrdie. A few weeks ago or so, I was reading some articles about addiction and early childhood tramas trying to understand why my husband acts like such a child at his age. That boyish quality that is cute but not so cute in real life. (OK, we know some ladies want to throw a comment in here, but let's remain serious.lol) He started covering his tramas very early and drugs came into the picture at age 13. A lot of people's addictions start early in life to cope with tramas...not all, but many. This doctor made the point that a person starts blocking out the trama with substances and freezes their maturity and growth at that level by doing so. It is quite interesting. (Part of my 'savior' personality. The bad behavior is excused because of what a person may have gone through. Warning: Can be fatal to your own life.)

I think the growing process can be riddled with some unpleasant awakenings, but it's also a bit of a empowering and exhilarating experience to come through them. I myself enjoy growth. I've learned through the years that something good is usually waiting at the other end of the difficulty. It's a bit of why I say, "fake it till you make it".

You can lose yourself and stop growing in a long term abusive relationship as well. The person underneath all the garbage is a beautiful creation. We all are. Authenticity is a thing of joy and wonder.imo

He's in there RC and he's going to blow you away.

Love,

Slay

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I just want some fucking peace. I hate the beats. They don't do it for me. Out dancin, sure, but at home? No.

But the other thing that makes it harder, is, after some good conversation about AL with my mum this afternoon, I'm driving home and I'm thinking, wondering, actually, maybe booze has both numbed AND been my support to not have to deal with aspects of my life.

That, actually, I've not fully grown up yet. That I have growing up to do. And this scared me. If this is true - what have I lost? How long does it take? So this is the short version of a whole load of stuff and imagained conversations going through my head on a whole host of matters - work, personal life etc... and I get back to the flat feelin heavy, tired, just want to bunker down. Watch a movie. Not necessarily have to be social.

RC, do you remember that post I made to you regarding you being an over thinker? Ya think? People often tell me why do you have to analyze everything? lol At 50 this year, I am now asking myself that same question at times and I answer with, you don't. Some things don't need to be over analyzed; they will work themselves out.

In that vein, hypersensitivity comes a long with the territory. I should look into the nuts and bolts of brain chemistry concerning that connection. Seems to come with the reclusive nature, the creative person, the perfectionist who puts a lot of pressure on him or herself. All the noise makes me and this type crazy. We need peace to deal with our churning brains.

Any chance you can find another place to live? A tree house, perhaps? (G)

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, Slay & everyone,

I just want to tell you that the mind peace you so desire will come in time. Just give it some time to deveop, give it a little help too. The hypnosis CDs & some really good guided meditations have helped me a lot
I wanted to be fixed...completely 'cured' overnight once I made my decision to be AF. That would be nice but it's just not realistic.

Do whatever you have to do to find the patience to just hang in there & wait a bit

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Works Christmas Party 2012

Lavande;1424830 wrote:
I wanted to be fixed...completely 'cured' overnight once I made my decision to be AF. That would be nice but it's just not realistic.

Do whatever you have to do to find the patience to just hang in there & wait a bit

I'm not altogether sure what to write. There are various things I have been feeling and as much as I see Stella (Chook) being the thread I can go BLEH about anything on, neither do I want a pity party.

It was a foggy day. Metaphorically. I'm not feeling happy at work. There is something that is keeping me shtumn, quiet, introverted. I'm having negative conversations with my direct line manager in my head, have been for a while now. She's in today, all smiley and happy and wavy. Not feeling the love myself.

And neither am i particularly looking forward to the party. Only now do I realise partly why - it's a party for drinking at. It's not like going to see a music gig, or going out to rock an ass off at some dance gig where there is another focus. There is no focus - only us, and the booze to lubricateus. It's a room, set up surprisingly for dining (3 large tables, chairs and cutlery)... and drinking. And I aint drinking.

I thought as a little time passed it might get easier. Maybe after the food and i'm feeling satisfied that way. But no, not really. There's a point, about 90mins in... where I just wanted to leave. (Although I actually was never comfortable at any point)

I couldn't be arsed with people, intelligent and thoughtful people asking me why i wasn't drinking...

DVPT MANAGER: Not drinking?

ME: No. Might have to drive up north.

DVPT MANAGER: And if you might not have to?

ME: eh....

Like, what the fuck lady?! I might have to drive up north because a relative is ill. I might have to drive up north because a friend is in need. I might have to drive up north because someone or something might actually need me. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU to ask "And if you might not have to?"

WRITER DUDE: Pourquoi?

ME: Just don't want to.

WRITER DUDE: Ah right. Cool.

He was more open to it. But he's a wise dude. And ordered another beer.

G-Man: You on the wagon again?

ME: Eh... no...

G-Man: Why you no drinking son?

ME: Might have to drive north....

G-Man: Aw, right. Why's that?

ME: (Why the fuck all the fucking questions?!?!?) Aw...eh...jist to see ma folks.

G-Man: Everything's OK, aye?

ME: Aye...


It's boring. It's tiring. Many of these people are people I would happily spend an evening with. What am i giving up? What am I saying goodbye to? Why can't I ever have the chance to be with these people in such situations, let my hair down and enjoy them, their company? I want a drink. I want to relax. I can't. I'm slapping on a fake smile and waiting til i've been there long enough before it seems apt to leave. I really rather fucking hate it, to be honest.

These past two days I've been, not teary, but I feel heavy. Emotionally heavy. I'm looking ahead at the days for space where everything is lighter. Today and tonight were simply about white knuckling the experience of being at work and being at a works party. White knuckling in the hope that perhaps, this is the worst of it, perhaps it gets easier. And this psychological white knuckling seems a whole lot harder than the physical.

So, to return to Lav's quote at the top, what drove me through was me telling myself, that it wont always be like this. That next time, next year, in due course it will get easier, it will be good, it will be enjoyable. Just wait a bit.

It wasn't especially enjoyable. And so I waited, and I left, and I drove north.

I wont lie. I wanted a drink. I wanted that social lubricant to let me revel in what the others were reveling in. BUT even more I wanted that part of my brain that says "hey there Arsey, relax, and let rip the good times" and enables me to do so, to do so. Drink or no drink.

But i resisted. (See how I said 'resisted'... I don't want to be saying that, I don't want to resist booze, I want to embrace not needing booze.... I gotta long way to go).

On a plus note, JC's package arrived in the post when I got back from the party. :thanks: My first thought was "wow, these peeps are like REAL" :H

[Patrick]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

:wd::wd::wd::wd::wd::wd:great job RC well done mate ,I hope you are as proud of yourself as we are of you.

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Well done! I know we keep saying it....but we wouldn't if it weren't true...it will get MUCH easier...you won't resent not having AL, you will not want it at all! All of the 'firsts' are hard....but the next one will be much easier. You are strengthening THOSE muscles...if it stayed this hard NOBODY could do it!
We are all so proud of you....drinking just to make those folks accept you? Pish Posh on them! Like Popeye says...I yam what I yam.....
You can't see it clearly until you are out from under it....it will get so much better! B

[Wagoneer]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I just read through this entire thread and RC this is truly inspiring. I have been struggling as of late and don't know why. Well, stress at home and work...you know, every excuse in the book. A bunch of BS. Nothing terrible, but not where I want to be. I have not been on the site too much which is probably my first mistake. Thank you for your words (and the wise words of all the others). I am not as strong as I thought I was. Damn it.

[Quest for the key]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I am do bloody proud of you :goodjob:

You've done something that I could not have done last week - and I know you feel like shit now, but it will pass - and you won't regret it !! But if you'd have had a drink, you would have regretted it in the morning - like the feckers with the questions will

Well done RC - you're learning big and valuable lessons - I'm planning on learning them too - I'm just a bit behind you ATM - massive, massive :l to you :h

[RingingCedars]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I can't remember who suggested this but I know it reminded me of a thought I had during your last quit.

You need to move into a flat share with quiet folks. You have no haven to escape and you don't want to drive all the way to your parents for some peace.

If you had that knowledge of sanctuary last night I expect you would have felt completely different. I know when I go out now I love having my soft, quiet haven to return to where the most noise I will endure is the sound of frogs mating calls ( funny story there ..... Nuvver time )

I don't know if there is some contractual reason! but if not then look for another home or even advertise yourself.

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hey, RC.

I agree with Kuya - it would be hugely supportive to you to get out of that flat. It's one step more than getting AL out of the house, but along the same vein - limit the detractors in your haven. I hope you can make space to find a new place.

I'm going to a work party tomorrow night. I expect it will be exactly as yours was - centered on drinking, intrusive questions. As Byrdie says, I expect this to be a time I strengthen my muscles.

:l:l Cat

[Zenstyle]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Waggy... where the heck have you been?! :l

Arsey... I'm off to look for an avi for you... xxx Well done tonight that man! Catch you on the morrow...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 10

Double figures. Go figure.

Thank you, as ever, for your comments. Wagoneer - thank you for popping by, it means so much to hear that someone else can read this thread and get something from it. Cat, Kuya, hear what you're saying. I agree in many ways. I can't move though until Feb, as i'm under contract to be there until then. And it is also about finance, and it is also about why I'm moving. I don't want to be running away - i reckon I;ve done this with booze and other aspects of my life: if something in life becomes conflicting or not to my liking, then instead of dealing with it head on, do I just dodge and avoid?

I look back at the last two places I lived in - booze was an issue of course - but there were other motivational reasons to move. The first, from another city, was because i simply could not afford to travel an 80mile round trip on my wage when a litre of diesel was upwards of ?1.30. The last move to the present flat was because I didn't engage with the peeps in my last place, that i was getting cabin fever and that this place is a lot cheaper.

I'll keep looking though. Suppose part of me says "what's the point" as I don;t feel settled here. I don't see here - Stirling, where i live and work - as a place I want to settle. So what's the point in moving again?

I've never tried to quit AL like this though. That is huge.

Cat - I like your positive attitude to heading to the work party: like going to the gym, may not enjoy it per se, but it's good for you in the longer run. Builds muscle.

Waking up sober
So I wake up sober here this morning. I like waking up sober. I like getting my early morning cuppa joe and reading on here. I like not having to feel nauseous. But this morning... I actually wake up feeling a bit bleh. Don't get me wrong, I am SO GLAD i did not have a drink. My mind is focussed on the longer term. But right now, it's just a bit of a feeling, of 'so what?'.

Perhaps i am mildly apprehensive of meeting everyone at work later and there will all the hilarity of what happened last night. The shenanigans, the frivolity, the way peeps bond after a fair bit of lube and silliness. And I wasn't a part of any of it.

It reminds of a morning that sticks in my head from when I was in 1st year at Uni when I was 19 (I say Uni, I mean drama school)... there had been a night out of our class - it may well have been christmas - and I had left early, because i'd got too drunk and had to go home. And then a few members of the class came rolling in the following morning filled with cheer and hilarity - the cheer and hilarity one gets when they are still drunk the following day, but it's communal. And we're all young, so hangover's don't seem quite so bad. And so they came rolicking in to class and I remember distinctly feeling I'd missed out. They'd laugh at stuff and I'd not get it. I had missed the party. I felt a bit like a loner. A bit sad that i had had to bail early. I wasn't the only who'd not stayed out till 5am and with this particular group, but I did feel lonely in a crowd.

It's a slightly disembodied feeling. Disembodied from the external world. Or the external world that others are engaging with and I am somehow caught somewhere else - in my head - in my thoughts - in my feelings - as if it's like "I am not one of you".

Perhaps that's what is going through head right now "not feeling like one of them"... AKA... missing out... and so, waking up at my folks, I feel a bit bleh...

Tonight
Is the birthday party. My hope here is that although there will be booze and bowling etc... that the latter will be the focus more than the former... at least initially. But I can leave after the games are played...