Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thank you Lola, means a lot.

I was at work this morning - after the posh skool at my real full time job - sitting in a big business meeting. I've not had much sleep, and had a couple of coffees, but I remember coming into the meeting feeling a little down. Not really wanting to be chipper. Not wanting to be part of a team today.

It's fine. I am not being self pitying just observing how I feel. I feel like I sometime did after waking up after a few beer and downing some paracetamol. Numb. Bit groggy. But... I don't feel remorse. I may feel a little down but I do have the extra willpower of this new quit. I'm trying to make myself eat regularly throughout the day. Not caring about whether it's a slice of cake too much. Today, right now, that doesn't mater and it ain't going to change jot.

I'm tired generally I think. Lack of sleep last night, not taking proper hols from work, and putting my body trough this past month of abuse... Let alone past years. So I am looking forward to the hols with equal anticipation for rest and dread for right now I want to be sober for Xmas. And Hogmanay. And 2013. But that's a long way off. Right now I don't want a drink. That's enough for now.

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

It is exhausting...the mental wrangling, the trying and trying, and trying some more. The bargaining that is being done in your head, the VOICES...just exhausting. But! And this is a big butt (I should know), once 2 days have passed, and all this bargaining is overwith and you have a plan...your peace of mind will settle in and there will be harmony in your head. War and Peace won't be played out every hour of every day, a decision has been reached...a plan put in place, and onwards we go! AS YOU KNOW, it is a good place, too! You are not marching into hell, you are heading towards a better land and peaceful waters!

I felt flu like the first couple weeks of my last and final quit...it took more than a couple weeks to get in my mess, and it took more than a couple to get out of it! But you are headed in the right direction! I am so proud of you....it really IS a journey. It's a bitch, but it is worth it! Byrdie

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thank you Byrdie. I also need to find the post you posted about the different stages we go through when giving up - denial through to acceptance. I wonder if something started to turn in my thinking today. Something about my own infected thinking as to what an alcoholic was (I know some and I know I hadn't got to their states - yet)... basically so many say (alkies and real non-alkies alike), an alcoholic is someone who needs a drink when they get up in the morning.

Right.

Ok then.

So, let's have Arsey here do a wee imagination thought. I imagine money is not an issue. I imagine I live a life where i either don't have a job, or instead I occasionally do freelance work, or perhaps I have a job but I don't have too much responsibility. I don't have to teach kids, for example. Or I work evenings, so I don't need to be anywhere until the afternoon. And I imagine I don't have any dependents. I have money. I have time. I have not too much responsibility.

And i drink.

A lot.

And i wake up feeling groggy. And don't desire a drink. Just a cup of sugary tea. Perhaps a few paracetamol. But by 12, I'm feeling better. Still groggy, but i could have a pint. That'd be nice. Down in the snug bar. There's cultured folks there. Older men in their bunnet hats. With stories of yesteryear. Maybe a fiddle and bodhran. Aye a pint there.

Two, make it two pints. It'll be three before 3pm

Feeling better. Ahhhhhh.....

Say I have to be at work. Even better say my work is in the creative industries. I meet with some fellow artists we do some work - make music, design, create art, rehearse, jam, improv, whatever. No particular need for a drink while I do that... but we will go to the pub after. And I'll get drunk...

And go home and maybe I'd drink some more...

Wake up... and do the same again.

THAT could've been me, perhaps. I rarely could drink during the day due to work, but i did look forward to drinking earlier in the days when I could. And holidays too. I know many people who can appear perfectly functional but are actually drinking to what I believe (I reckon you'd all agree) to dangerous levels.

But he/I am not an alcoholic?

There's something about the word: alcoholic, something about it that makes it surreal. Or "not me". Perhaps it is shame. And guilt. The words conjurs up images and ideas of lonely folks on the streets, homeless with their 2L bottles of acidic cider. Or DCI Jane Tennison downing a bottle of whisky each night, and keeping herself "straight" with a mini bottle of win at lunch. I.e. the high-functioning, highly successful alkie. And then there are the accepted alcoholics. The men who drink in bars each night. Accepted because it's not illegal. Because they are harmless. Because they feed the Exchequer a few more pennies. Or those who enjoy sharing a bottle at home.

I need to find what DSM IV says about alcoholism.

Anyway, I suppose what I am trying to say is I started to wonder today, for the first time whether I was UNDERSTANDING, FEELING, REALISING that my problem was akin to alcoholism, even if I still don't like to use that word. (I mean why the feck am I here?!). I'm always contemplating it. But the main difference has been the act of joining this site. I never really prepped to quit. Just hoped. But now? Now it feels i'm prepping and taking action. Hope is not an option, said Byrdie. It's not. It's faith, or belief, and action.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Wow, wiki kinda said better what i was wondering...

Alcoholism is a broad term for problems with alcohol, and is generally used to mean compulsive and uncontrolled consumption of alcoholic beverages, usually to the detriment of the drinker's health, personal relationships, and social standing. It is medically considered a disease, specifically an addictive illness, and in psychiatry several other terms are used, specifically "alcohol abuse" and "alcohol dependence," which have slightly different definitions.[1] In 1979 an expert World Health Organization committee discouraged the use of "alcoholism" in medicine, preferring the category of "alcohol dependence syndrome".[2] In the 19th and early 20th centuries, alcohol dependence in general was called dipsomania, but that term now has a much more specific meaning.[3] People suffering from alcoholism are often called "alcoholics". Many other terms, some of them insulting or informal, have been used throughout history. The World Health Organization estimates that there are 140 million people with alcoholism worldwide.[4][5]

The American Medical Association supports a dual classification of alcoholism to include both physical and mental components.[6] The biological mechanisms that cause alcoholism are not well understood. Social environment, stress,[7] mental health, family history, age, ethnic group, and gender all influence the risk for the condition. (not all but a couple i reckon)[8][9]
Significant alcohol intake produces changes in the brain's structure and chemistry, though some alterations occur with minimal use of alcohol over a short term period, such as tolerance and physical dependence. These changes maintain the person with alcoholism's compulsive inability to stop drinking and result in alcohol withdrawal syndrome if the person stops.[10] Alcohol damages almost every organ in the body, including the brain. The cumulative toxic effects of chronic alcohol abuse can cause both medical and psychiatric problems.[11]

Identifying alcoholism is difficult for the individual afflicted because of the social stigma associated with the disease that causes people with alcoholism to avoid diagnosis and treatment for fear of shame or social consequences.(See?!)
The evaluation responses to a group of standardized questioning is a common method for diagnosing alcoholism. These can be used to identify harmful drinking patterns, including alcoholism.[12] In general, problem drinking is considered alcoholism when the person continues to drink despite experiencing social or health problems caused by drinking.[13]

If i say my health problems were what i was doing to my innards - my body in pain is clearly telling me something is wrong... and to be feeling hangovers of some description almost everyday is not healthy.

Social problems is harder to define... but I wonder whether if i hadn't drunk the way I do. If i had been "normal" (either an occasional imbiber or non-imbiber), then perhaps i'd be more confident in all aspects of my life (personal, social, work etc...)

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I must have read that before. Any wiki entry on alcoholism. But now it seems to ring truer. Maybe I want to hear it.

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC,
I found that I did have to take that leap of faith.........
I was scared shitless to quit drinking. Who was I going to be?
Of course it turned out that I had absolutely nothing to fear & I gained so much in the self-respect & fortitude department

I know you can do this ~ you just really have to want to quit more than you want to continue to drink! You already have everything you need - us!!!!!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Lavande;1421359 wrote: RC,
I found that I did have to take that leap of faith.........
I was scared shitless to quit drinking. Who was I going to be?
Of course it turned out that I had absolutely nothing to fear & I gained so much in the self-respect & fortitude department

I know you can do this ~ you just really have to want to quit more than you want to continue to drink! You already have everything you need - us!!!!!

Thank you Lav. I am scared shitless - all the usual stuff I, you and other peeps here are or were scared off when deciding they should quit. But you, and so many others here, have repeatedly spoken of the wonders of being sober longer term. Of simply being sober.

I just really have to want to quit more than I want to continue to drink. You are so true with this. So true. K9's mantra of "I gave up drinking when it was easier not to drink than to drink" I always got, in theory. But it wasn't until this past month that, really, her words rang so true. Although it might seem hard right now, - especially the concept of giving up for good - it is easier for me right now to stop drinking than to drink.

Today I pulled my car over by the side of the motorway so as I could get rid of the last empty tins and bottles by chucking them in a random bin on a random parking bay. Because it was more discreet. Someone might see me at the recycle bank. I wont have to hide or be discreet about my drinking again. I wont have to feign being "ok" at work when i'm groggy. Or feign being "ok" anywhere when feeling groggy. I wont have to hide in my room to get drunk. I wont have to try and feign sobriety when i need to go for a pee and bump into a roomie. I wont have to risk losing my driving license the times i drove over the limit - yes, i did do that. And not just once. Far too many times. I like the idea of taking risks. But not with other people's lives. I wont have to slyly take an extra drink or 5 from my folks larder. I wont have to make sure there's always enough booze to get me to bed in whatever home i stay at. I wont have to worry about the finances i'm throwing down the drain by drinking. I wont have to worry any longer about what it is doing to my body. I wont have to throw random days away due to hangovers.

I wont have to continue this facade of who I think I am to myself and of who other people think I am. I want to slay the voices in the head that have trodden on me for god only know how many years. I want to walk on out, head held high, a bright smile across my happy (and at times cheeky, and in need of a slap) face.

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Getting your head around this whole thing is a big part of it. To this day, I've not 'spoken' the words, 'I am an Alcoholic'. I hate that label. It FITS, but I hate it. Even when I write it here, I say AlK or some euphamism...but it is what it is. If we took a group photo of us all, you'd never imagine that we all have this thing in common. We are from all walks of life...educated..good looking...some prolly famous. It does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone...and it happened to me. Yes, it's a shame...but it did. I can't go forward with the burdens of the past on my back. I have the tools I need to not only survive this, but THRIVE in it. You wouldn't believe the differences in your posts when you started drinking again...it's a downward spiral...it affects us all like that. It is a tough piece of business to accept...but once you do...and realize that one drink is too many for us...there is a sense of calm that comes over. No more scheming and lying...to yourself. Others around us usually know wayyyy before we do. If I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it, well, I was fooling myself again.
So don't get so hung up on the label...just concentrate on today....and today, the best thing you can do is not drink. I don't give a rip what everybody else gets to do...for me, it's what must be done. Some people don't get to eat sugar...some are allergic to peanuts...we must avoid AL. It is NOT a bad thing...it is not a death sentence....but it takes a little time to realize and take it in. It takes some distance from it to see it clearly. One day at a time....we say it for a reason....that's what it takes and you are on your way. Please don't be sad...quitting makes me the happiest I've been in 25 years! Your grief will pass....and you will love the new you! Byrdie

[Dottie Belle]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

this is great for me to read today too!!Dottie

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 3

Dottie - that is great. I am so glad another finds this helpful. It is an utterly selfish thread, inasmuch as I am doing it for myself. To try to lay bear, and honestly, what I am feeling and how this is, i hope, changing me. Happy Day 3 Dottie!

Maybe it's like going to the gym, or going for a run: little by little we get healthier. Little by little we change for the better. Develop are muscles, so to speak. I haven't been running for a couple of weeks. Due largely to letting back AL into my life, and perhaps it was just yet another thing I felt I was pressurising myself to do, even though it was a good thing.

Like drinking, I couldn't do short runs. I found it hard to go 3 miles round the block and be satisfied that I had done a run. That was just a warm up. I needed to do 8miles minimum. But I didn't have the time. And I was not, probably, feeding myself sufficiently. I got tired. AL was "allowed" so... that and feeling I wasn't doing well enough in other areas of work... perhaps it felt easier to just drink.

Having said that, I too wonder whether this last blow out - that 4th week of November - was also a swansong. Me almost subconsciously trying to tell myself: this has got to stop. (The first two lines of Damien Rice's song "Elephant" often rang repeatedly in me ear:

This has got to die.
This has got to stop... )

Perhaps my tears of Saturday were tears for fears that maybe this was it... maybe, finally, I had to say goodbye. I too think they were tears of finally realising that I had to deal with this head on. I finally had to look at who I was, what I was becoming. What my relationship with AL had really been. And that I found it hard so, so hard to drink within safe or "normal" limits.

I slept 4.5 - 5 hours. I could've slept more this morning, but need to be up for the Porsche Skool - kids have exams today.

Then to my other "proper" job.

Mind is also pre-occupied with making a plan for the staff Christmas Party... will post about that later. I really want to get through December and the New Year sober. Letting in the "oh, but it's the holidays" excuse is just postponing the inevitable.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Deliberating the christmas party: pro's and cons

There's a good thread about ways to get through Christmas that has just started. I'm sure there are many other threads and posts on this subject also. Anyway here's: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f4...mas-70724.html

I posted there about my xmas party also, including a possible plan. Here's the pros and cons. There may be more so if you're reading and think of one - just add it on.


PROS (to going sober)
It's a works Christmas party - it'll be fun
It's my works Christmas party - and I like my work colleagues
It's my works Christmas party - and I am a key member of staff
I know one other staff member who is an abber
It might be quite fun to see some get a bit too merry, while others not
I might miss out on some good chinwagging once the wine has got loose the tongues
If i get through the party, that will show some strength - yes?
If i don't go, it might look odder than if I did go, but only stayed a short while
I've got a plan - I can arrive late and leave early (cos I've got to drive somewhere, I could say)


CONS (of going to work sober)
People start to question why i'm not drinking
People take the piss that I'm not
The party is nothing to write home about, I get bored cos everyone else is drunk
My home is right round the corner from the bar... perfect place for an after-the-pub-party. Oh god...I hope not...
The voices that look and compare me with others who are drinking start to get louder and louder
I'm not as a resilient as i thought (wont know unless i go tho)
My resolve cracks
That even if I took one beer, that would lead to spending the entire evening drinking...dampening my resolve for the next quit...meaning i'd be less likely to get through December. BUT ONLY if i have that first drink.

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

If you decide to go to the party, you should follow the drill.

Eat well beforehand, a large meal of protein and loads of veg, twice what you THINK you need ( it stretches the stomach and releases endorphins)

Take some Glutamine powder.......do you have any of these supplements?

Have a good reason why you aren't drinking (on antibiotics,going clubbing later.....gotta drive)

Go a little late, people are already drinking and won't care if you are not, leave when you get bored.

When you get home sit down and write about it, log on and chat, or actually plan to go out somewhere else.
After my first party sober I went for a long drive and revel led in being able to drive,sober, at night. I drove out to the beach and sat watching the waves. The fact that I could do such a thing at night made that party enjoyable.

You are a sociable person, and should enjoy the party.BUT any doubt that it will be too much then cry off and don't go.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thank you Kuya. Real good advice.

There is part of me that thinks: "show how committed you are, Arsey, to this quit. DON'T GO!" And then there is another part of me saying "No! You'll just get down for not going.... and have to deal with work the following day and folks asking questions!"

You're spot on - I am a social person. I like nothing more than really belly-laughing with folks.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 4

5.5 hours sleep last night. Solid, no interruptions. Coffee tastes great in the morning. When i drank coffee first thing after a night on the sauce and feeling groggy, it'd come back on me in burps that would make me feel nauseous but I drank it cos i needed to wake up out of the grog. Now it's just nice to drink something and enjoy the taste.

I have an event at work late this afternoon, with teachers. Food will be served from 4pm. I'm a bit anal with when I eat sometimes. And i'd rather wait until 7pm/7.30pm when I get home to eat than have shite sarnies and crisps at 4pm. It's prollly another control thing. Actually, take it as red that it is another control thing. And if i decide to abstain at 4pm, not only am i gonna be tired and starving by 6pm... I'm not gonna be as useful as I could be at the meeting. And it is a meeting I care about.

I keep meaning to write something about Supps for me here. But time is not letting me. Gotta shower this boady and booty myself outta the door for work.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

KTAB's party advice:

RC eat a couple of the crappy sambos and drink a couple of buckets of tea to keep hydrated would be my thoughts.