Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

JC's advice:

An other thing is to get a glass in your hand of anything non-al so if anyone wanders towards you with warm white or rancid red just wave said glass and say 'I'm fine'

[lolab]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC - this totally might not apply to you, but I was always a Pre-party drinker....you know - have a couple while getting ready...that is where the temptation still comes from for me....in thinking I'll have a little something to take the edge off before I go - get the party started a little early....

So that's where I would have to be extremely careful in making sure I eat before THAT period of time...making sure I have something to drink at THAT time - possibly arrange a visit with someone who won't offer you a drink - during THAT period of time- just BEFORE the party. If I actually get to the party sober, I am usually ok. But I AM weird.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Lola - good point.

I was rarely an at home "I'll have a couple afore the party" but i could be "I'll be at the pub for a couple afore a party."

Fortunately, I plan to be at work until 3pm and then mosey on through to it. If i get there by 4pm, then I stay til, say 7pm... then head off.

it's a mind set thing too. I can be pretty obstinate if I want to be. It got me through some nights during my first quit, but I wasn't as prepared then. I was more gung-ho. Now I'm trying to be more mindful of everything - who i was and what i was doing, who i am and what i do...

A wise soul here said not to focus on big events such as being AF 1 year, or running a marathon, and instead focus on getting well. On the fight of freeing myself from this problem i have with AL.

Back to work... skiving here!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Supps

OK, supps - (Zenny, if you're out there, you can add as you please... not that you have ever needed an excuse to add some opinion or observation of yours on any feckin' post :H )

Supps. This is what I presently take each morning. I don't take supps at any other time of day, just because I've never got into the habit of doing it.

Oh, and when i started reading this site a few months back, I remember reading what someone else took and thought "WTF, surely if you're taking THAT much, then nothing's doing much at all." I'm learning. Slowly! :new: As I say, would appreciate any and all advice..

So,

1 x Multivit' - with: High VitB doses (2000-5000 RDA depending on what VitB); Vits A, C, D E; a wee bit of magnesium; RDA of Iron; RDA of Zinc

1 x 500mg Vit C. (Moi pee has never been so yellow.)

1 x 500mg L-Glut

2 or 3 x 1000mg Omega 3 (Occasional fishy burp backs)

1 x 1200mg Guarana

2 or 3 x 500mg Korean Ginseng (says to take 2 or 3 pills 3x a day, but don't)

1ml of Ginkgo Leaf conc' extract.

The latter three aren't ones particulalrly recommended on this site much anywhere. I was taking CoEzyme Q10 - 30mg pill, but changed to these. No reason.

The most effective that i notice are the Multivits with the high B dose, and probably the Vit C. Perhaps the others are helping too. Hard to say. if I don't take the Bvits, i basically nose dive in energy after about 1pm or 2pm.

[RingingCedars]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I'd be bouncing off the walls with that much guarana and red ginseng. This could cause an energy crash later in the day, much like caffeine does. Your dose of L-glut is very low. I took 10 mg powder (divided doses) for several years without a problem to heal my gut. There is some concerns with glutamate build up in the brain with high doses to be mindful of though. Often the fishy burpies are due to a poorer quality fish oil...maybe try another brand. Vitamin C dose is very low as well. I recommend 3-6 mg per day. Just call me Zenny.:H

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

A walk

I took a walk, not long ago. Perhaps a week or so before I first joined this site. I had found MWO by then, but was only lurking. It was a dark autumnal evening. Around 8pm. I had had 2 pints earlier in the evening.

I took a walk to think about my drinking. To think about my drinking again. I took a walk and imagined I would write a letter. I imagined I would write a letter to those people closest to me. To say, I can't go on like this. I can't go on drinking like this. That I want to give it up. It's got me and I can't shake it. That I want your help to support me. To not question the why of my giving up, but just to support me.

In my head, the letter was a very eloquently written piece of prose. By the time I had reached home again, I had forgotten much of it. And I had little intention of writing it. But I had spent a good hour walking the streets around where I live thinking about the fact that I was wanting to reach out to those closest to me to say, hello, it's me, and I have a problem. And I want to remember that walk. I want to remember the fact that I spent that time walking the streets, thinking about giving up seriously for the umpteenth time, for the umpteenth year, and the fact that i so clearly remember wishing that I could find the joy in living life free from the desire of having a drink AND free from all the messages and pervading images and advertisements and expressions and romanticized thoughts that drink is GOOD. For some, maybe... maybe definitely. But not me. And to remember the very real feeling that this, THIS way of living, MY present WAY OF LIVING was IRRATIONAL. It felt, well, wrong, for lack of a better word. And I was sad. Forlorn. A teeny bit maudlin. Not at that moment for having to say goodbye to drink (something I know I am still coming to terms with and still trying to accept, such that I try not to think about it, I'm only on day 4, taking care of just now first...), but for the fact that I had become this. Or that 'it' - this situation - my life - had come to this.

And I couldn't see much of a way out. Stopping seemed too hard. Everything appeared against me. For a number of years I can remember, consciously, thinking, I really should give up / cut down / stop drinking at home / stop drinking alone / only drink in company... but not yet. Wait until we're into the new year. Or wait until it's your next birthday. Or wait until the summer's past. Or wait until such-and-such an event has gone by. Then, you can start thinking about taking action... And then the barrage of thoughts of when it would seem scandalous to not drink: going out for meals; dinner with family; the dram with dad; the pint or 3 after work; friends parties; social nights out; going to see bands; drinking with Ben (my old drinking buddy); going on a date... then, oh no, however am i going to meet a lassie if i don't have a drink or two to boost my confidence, to quell the voices in my head?! FUCK! I can't do this!

I don't know what happened. Perhaps I wanted to run the Inverness Marathon sober. To be as fit as I could be. And one Monday morning I woke and knew I would sign on here. So started the journey...

But - to return to the walk - I want to remember it. The headspace, the feelings, the attempting to write a letter to those closest, because I WANTED OUT.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RingingCedars;1422370 wrote: I'd be bouncing off the walls with that much guarana and red ginseng. This could cause an energy crash later in the day, much like caffeine does. Your dose of L-glut is very low. I took 10 mg powder (divided doses) for several years without a problem to heal my gut. There is some concerns with glutamate build up in the brain with high doses to be mindful of though. Often the fishy burpies are due to a poorer quality fish oil...maybe try another brand. Vitamin C dose is very low as well. I recommend 3-6 mg per day. Just call me Zenny.:H

:H:H Ok Zenny.

Ok - good to know re the guarana and ginseng. Might just have them, say, in the office in case i do get tired later in the day and not take them in the morning?

How much L-Glut would you suggest?

And Vit C? Really - so would you suggest a 1000mg dose? What difference will that make?

To be honest, with Vits, I do get confused with what they describe as the RDA... and then we can by vits that are up to 9,000 times the RDA. The multi Bvit i stand by, as I really noticed the difference in maintaining better energy throughout the day.

Thanks RC/Zenny!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Life became crazy so many years ago, and I tried to be perfect in the face of it.
Failing at being perfect, I sought food and AL for release.
AL became my biggest reason for failing at being perfect.
I gave up AL.
Now I don't need to be perfect.

Glory Halleluia. Inner peace.

Who knew the gifts on the other side of AL.

Written by Cat - reverberates with me. Thank you Cat :l

[RingingCedars]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RunningCourage;1422388 wrote: :H:H Ok Zenny.

Ok - good to know re the guarana and ginseng. Might just have them, say, in the office in case i do get tired later in the day and not take them in the morning?

How much L-Glut would you suggest?

And Vit C? Really - so would you suggest a 1000mg dose? What difference will that make?

To be honest, with Vits, I do get confused with what they describe as the RDA... and then we can by vits that are up to 9,000 times the RDA. The multi Bvit i stand by, as I really noticed the difference in maintaining better energy throughout the day.

Thanks RC/Zenny!

Sure take a guarana and 1 ginseng in the am. Reserve another of each for the pm if needed. Vit C is a powerful anti inflammatory (inflammation being the root of all dis-ease). A pharmacist told me many years ago olympic athletes took 20 to 30 grams per day to reduce inflammation, increase energy and aid in tissue repair. Everyone's different in their optimum levels and it changes depending on state of wellness. Arsey will know when he's getting too much if you know what I mean. I always found my wrinkles were more prominent if I skipped my Vit C. It's important for elasticity, hair, skin, bone maintenance. Increased iron absorption....not that men usually need extra iron. I haven't paid much attention to RDA's for years, but I do do my due diligence and suggest everyone does. I'd add the CoQ10 back at least 60g per day especially if you're going to be running again. Play with the L'glut dose but surely you can go up to 2gm per day at this point. It repairs the intestinal lining and can help with al/sugar cravings especially if dissolved under the tongue. If the BVit feel good, keep on. Always, always listen to your body.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thank you RC. That is helpful :thanks:

It's been a long day at work. But not feeling particularly tired. it's midnight. Should probably stop playing here for tonight and read a book...

I used to not like - even fear? - not being able to get to sleep at night. I used to think I would feel too lonely I think. Perhaps. I'd drink to help knock me out (well, one of a number of reasons i'd have drink or ten late at night). But now, less so the loneliness, I think, and less so the not liking not being able to sleep straight away.

These are all ickle building blocks.

[RingingCedars]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

They are building blocks indeed RC. When I can't turn the lights off in my brain, I put a pillow over my forehead and snuggle another. Helps me. Lot's of nice calming teas on the market too. Love your journalling RC.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 5

Thank you RC for saying you're liking the journaling. I really appreciate it.

Earlier, when i fell off the wagon the first time in November, I started the Big Sober House 2 thread. I may still go back to it. It's great fun to write. But then I put pressure on myself that I then had to write something. And it had to be insightful and funny and smart... And I'd also think that I ought to be especially creative with it - such as tie it into my own battle / healing process.

But that was too much pressure. Yet SOMETHING ELSE i was making myself do. Perhaps...perhaps it was to do something else to avoid recovery. To avoid dealing with me. AL was used for the same reasons, but under the guise of "leisure time / time off / having fun / chilling". I know I post here a lot, but I do lead a busy life, (as so, so many here do), with a number of facets to it, and after my last fall, I came to some kind of conclusion, that if I was going to make this work, I have to not put pressure on me. Especially here.

This thread, although I have posted on it a lot this week, is yes, meant to be a journal, but also, not necessarily one I have to attend to every day. Or to entertain in. It's just for me. To say how I am to me (and to those who are reading), to put down my thoughts and feelings and to allow myself to the space to have this fight, this potentially life changing experience.

Even the little things. For example, yesteday i noticed how dry my right index finger had become - just at the main bendy joint bit of the finger. And also on the knuckle of my pinky. I don't know whether that is due to withdrawal from AL this week, or whether it is to do with the sudden drop in temperature. I have good skin cream stuff at work I can put on it.

I slept approx 6 hours last night. Again pretty solid. Woke once, but quickly burrowed deep down under the duvet again and zonked out.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Party invite 11th Dec

I just got a Facebook request from a friend and work colleague. it's his last year in his 30's, so he's having a special celebration at the bowling alley to which he has invited all his friends and he's titled it "Bowling, Booze and Banter."

Why, I don't know, but I suddenly got a bit of a screwy feeling - a mixture of "oh god, yet another social occasion, and, people are gonna start asking questions and i feel uncomfortable, and there's a bonnie lass going (I'm only saying this cos I fancy her, not because anything will happen. If i'm cheese, she's chalk. I'd likely annoy the living daylights outta her. You've all seen how i take to being whimsical like a duck to water), and... well... I don't know really...

But I've been caught - literally in the last 10 mins by this feeling. Like disappointment tinged with fear. Like there was this tiny distant echoy voice in the far back of me head yelling:

"It'll be booorrrrrrriiiinnnnnnngg. Have a drink.

Anyway, as the boss is away, I thought I'd take liberty and skive for five and post this here.

[nurdl]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC - fish oil burps. Try a better brand. Keep them in the freezer then they will thaw further down your digestive track. Always take with food.

[nurdl]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

As always RC I enjoy reading your writings even your journaling.