Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 14 - a quote for the day

Just a wee reminder to self - and others -


Alcohol slowly kills your confidence and deadens your ability to feel happiness over time.


THIS is what I am hoping to become ever more enlightened to over time (over time as my happiness awakens from being muffled by the daily dousing of beer and wine). This was originally written by an old-timer here, though I'm sure it's been written a thousand times on the boards.

It's something I need to keep a hold of, close to me. I need it to remind me that this is what AL was doing, but also to help disassociate AL with happiness (and celebration - see yesterday's post).

Note to self: although I have had a thousand and one great times through drinking (and every one of those times were with others - as opposed to the lonely drinking, which was less a great time, and much more a numbing of other areas of my life with a false high from the AL buzz)... when i quickly think back... there are very few "great times" where I can say "yes I was really happy then" or, "I distinctly remember being happy at that time" ...

If i list the times when I felt genuinely happy in the moment, I would like to believe that they were moments of sobriety. Moments I have spent with loved ones. Moments that have felt anointed not by a lacing of liquor, but simply by a situation for what it is. I should try and list these...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Today I seem to be copying and pasting quotes and posts from others that ring true... here's another from mr mario man:

[...]the immediate object of our goal is sobriety, free from alcohol and all its terrible consequences without this freedom we have nothing at all,

But at the same time we can achieve no liberation from alcohol obsession until we become willing to deal with those character flaws which landed us into that condition in the first place,

In this freedom quest we have a few choices,

A rebellious refusal to work upon our glaring defects can be an almost certain ticket to destruction or perhaps we can, for a time stay sober with a minimum of self improvement and settle ourselves into a comfortable but often dangerous mediocrity,

Or we can like a lot of long term abstainers here continuously try hard for those sterling qualities that can add up to a much more fulfilling & happy life,

Time to move on forward[...]

Ultimately, in response to this, my fear is that I just bumble forward until such a time as I capitulate... forgetting everything I was thinking and feeling back in the days of drinking daily and... pick up a lose myself.

I was moseying about Dobbies Garden Centre this afternoon looking for gifts... and something, I'm not sure what, just was crying out for a drink. But not necessarily for a drink's sake, but for the fact that there was a kind of wee bit of melancholia seeping up from down below. I thought "I just want to go up to my folks" it is actually easier to be there, not drink and not feel 'left out' as opposed to staying here while folks go to the pub because it's a Saturday evening. I don't want to go to the pub. It'll bore me - well after a short while at least. And I thought about my brother and his girlfriend... and that there is little doubt in due course that they'll be getting hitched and sprogs will appear and this is a fantastic thing. Really very very wonderful. BUT i do that god damn 'go and compare myself' shenanigans. And that leaves me once again, wondering "did I miss something? did I miss some one? is there something i didn't 'get'"? There's threads of resentment lingering within me... like untied loose threads that drift and sway and drop tiny wee droplets of this potent emotion melancholia... I crave a drink. But I wont. I resent that I can't. But I wont. I want to get through this.... it's only that sometimes there are moments whereby I think, this is futile, I should to let go, relax... and have a drink.

Right now, though, i am trying to ignore this. And even if I find it hard to ignore, I have no plans to capitulate, I'm only noting thoughts and feelings. I will be here tomorrow, Day 15.

As mario said, it is about continuously trying hard for those sterling qualities that can add up to a much more fulfilling & happy life...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Pome

Walk alone -
For you are not.
Silent footprints
Walk with you
Through your fear being lost

Walk alone
Don?t fear
Solitude.
For this time, ?now?,
It aint forever;
But attitude

In time
Silent footprints claim
A rhythm that echoes,
Resounds your name.

Walk strong
No matter how weak you feel
Walk strong
These steps all lead you to heal
Walk strong

Walk proud
Know your act is brave, respected and
Wise.
Walk proud
It took your vision,
Your Epiphanies, your eyes.

To finally see.

So do not be afraid
Embrace now
Embrace now and by so doing
Embrace yourself.

[TTT]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Al, I am just wondering what the doses of kudzu and l-glutamine you are taking. I am hoping to be able to drink moderately myself and have not used these supplements before. I am really hoping to moderate so any advice you have would be appreciated too! Thank you so much. TTT

[Patrick]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

when I first went off the beer I was lashing into the af stuff ,2 months later Its just a few at the weekend.I find I enjoy it because of the beer taste but dont crave it because theres no al in it.and it does'nt give me al cravings either.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 15

Hello Patrick. When I had my first stint of being AF - them 7 weeks - I didn;t have a drop of AF beer or any other kind of AF drink. It's only this time that I have started to drink it. Like you, I quite like the taste - in a weird sort of way... for it's not as obviously tasty as I might think... in fact had I never drunk AL beer, I doubt I'd enjoy AF beer as much. I have been acquiring the taste for beer for now 18 years or so!

TTT - did you mean to post here? Did you mean to post Alco - perhaps PM her?

Sundays were always hangover days
Sundays were always hangover days. Days I'd wake up, down a pint of water and some paracetamol, drag myself into the kitchen for a coffee and slice of toast, drag myself out to the local shop to buy a fat Sunday paper, drag myself home and slouch upon the sofa to read as the hangover, the pain, the queasiness gradually abates by lunchtime.

It is commonly said that our bodies will tell us if our bodies are not well. Listen to your body. Why do we ignore this so much? Whether sober or hungover, we often (certainly I do) ignore the pains. Douse them with painkillers, or just think it's something that will go in a while, or, even, think that it's normal. Perhaps we try to intellectualize it, we say, aha, but it is caused by x or y or z. We externalise the reasons, when the reasons may be more internal.

I had a hangover because i drank too much - but why did i drink too much? What was the bottle of wine up the stairs really for?

I get occasional pains in my shoulder and neck, sometimes they are like little sharp stabbing pains, by no means excruciating, but they do come along now and again. I think (well i tell myself at least) that they are due to posture. I notice it on longer runs - after so many miles, i get a crampy pain in my neck. Someone said it might be posture. Perhaps I should look to getting back into yoga or something like that. Or a massage. Yes, i'd love a deep massage. Anyway, it might be posture. Or it might be something else that causes these weeny niggles.

The latest physical "ow" for me, though, is my right index finger. It has become dry to the point that at the middle joint there is now a 'cut'. I have point some cream for it and hopefully that will help. I have little idea as to why it has come about - i don't usually get such tight dry skin that it ends up in a cutting through the skin. I am wondering whether it is to do with the recent very cold weather, that has since warmed again. Or the fact that I've given up booze? Either way, why has it appeared only on my right index finger?

Sometimes i just wonder whether we treat ailments without ever really knowing the cause.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 16

Holidays coming soon...
Three sleeps and two more sleeps then I am officially away from work.

Can't wait. Not had a proper break, other than a few days in August, since last Christmas / New Year. That aint particularly healthy... which may in part explain my present lack of enthusiasm for heading in there. Head down, stay focussed and work hard for these three days, then rest a while.

(I do have a paper to write for work during the hols... but hopefully not being at work will give me perspective and make it easier to write...)

Fantasy of a very long walk...
... For some reason I got the idea of walking the Santiago de Compostela and spent much of yesterday reading around it online. Could probably never take the 4 - 5 weeks off work to do it... maybe a shorter version of it? May just be a whim.

Living in Stirberia
Went up to folks yesterday (here just now)... was getting cabin fever in the flat. Really find it hard to know how to socialize with those i know in Stirberia without it involving AL. And I have never called anyone up to say - hey wanna go for coffee. It'd feel weird to. Not the coffee - just the "why would I"? Or, "why did he aske me to coffee?" Having moved about a bit, perhaps I don't feel at home here. Perhaps I feel transient in Stirberia, not seeing this as a place I want to settle?

I am looking for a new place to live - I find living in a flat with young ones at times difficult. I was naive to think it would be otherwise when I first moved. But suppose my previous flatmate (an emotional vampire) and the fact that the place i am in now is so much cheaper swayed me... Saw a place way out in the middle of the sticks. Might just be a bit too far out though.

Back to being AF...
There are some very inspiring posts on here from folks who are x-amount of days AF. Unless there are far ahead of me (100 days +) in their AF time, I sometimes wonder if I am missing something. What do you mean when you say "there is the whole new person I have discovered"? What do you mean when you say "I cannot believe how wonderful life is AF?" What do you mean when you say, "It's true - this is so amazing!"

I'm not being cynical - I do think it is wonderful and it is inspiring the more we read of these affirmations of being AF... but personally i prefer to read it from someone who has done 6months AF... having done 7 weeks and now on Day 16... I'm feeling the tug. The tug that goes, SURELY it must be easier to have a drink? SURELY this evening would be more fun, more relaxed, more convivial with a drink or two. SURELY the way to access ways to develop deeper friendships with peeps is through lacing an evening with some AL. SURELY I can handle it? And I remind myself of what Byrdie reminds us of: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance ... I think I'm bouncing between bargaining and depression (but not in that heavy set depression, just as in, "feck, this is hard, why's it have to be so hard sometimes?" whingey kind of way. And I remind myself that I am waking up sober... that is good for me.)

I've posted onto roll call first thing this morning. I usually do it last thing at night, but wonder whether by doing it first thing then i have accountability to get through the day AF.

Right - need to get to work...

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Devil's advocate here, hi

Now read your own words;

"SURELY the way to access ways to develop deeper friendships with peeps is through lacing an evening with some AL."

You drank with people for, what, ten years or so? Where ARE all those people that you developed deeper friendships with through lacing the evening with some alcohol ?

Before we drank we accepted meeting new people was initially awkward and clumsy. We took time and risked rejection to get to know them. We WORKED at getting to know them. Then we found alcohol and it SEEMED to cut out the work.....but, in truth, it cut out the authenticity of any real, meaningful relationship. All you got was a drinking buddy......where are they now? Still drinking.

You get out what you put in. Put in the REAL you, the SOBER you, the AUTHENTIC you.

The YOU we all know, and like

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 18

Last day of work today - done. Looking forward to having 2 weeks relatively clear of work. Or being clear of the work place/office. Still a couple of work things to do, but these can be done from the comfort of my bed, or a cafe or anywhere that aint the office.

Looking back - was it really so bad? Who was I really?

I've not been AF long at all. I have already said that on this AF trip I am way more wary of the power of AL to lure itself back into my life. So I'm looking back, looking back to that night when i blacked out after posting here, when i cried into my laptop drunk with desperation at this pathetic act I was doing to myself: drinking and getting drunk alone.

Yet, it is also surprising that as quickly as I can begin to make myself physically and to a degree (though it takes longer) mentally better again, I can also as quick almost forget who I was and what I was doing when I consumed AL. Why can't I join the others in a drink? Why can't I enjoy losing myself in a halcyon glow of inebriation? I wasn't a violent drunk. I wasn't particularly stupid - sure there was the odd occasion, like once, maybe twice a year when I'd totally forget what I'd done for an entire evening and live with remorse for a day or two. Actually, am I now putting myself through undue stress by giving up? Am I denying what might be if I just allowed myself to have a (sensible) drink or two?

The point is - what I wrote two weeks ago was written with more zeal and resolve, but after two weeks, I need to remind myself daily of why. Or even, not to think about it but to know to just avoid it. Avoid it and move on. Keep moving....

But I do need to remind myself of two things -
1) It was a PROBLEM
2) It was NOT who i saw myself as. I did not, nor do not want to be that person. (Having said that Rick the Dick is such a powerful fucking creator of images that even the idea of me as middle-aged man bumbling about in my little home a wee bit tipsy can be made to look "romantic" - - how screwed up is that?)

Rick the Dick for marketing manager anyone?

The days ebb and flow - there are times I crave and still feel the bargaining elements being brought back out onto the table. And sometimes I think "what have I done by choosing THIS way to live?" But as ever, i keep moving. This moment, this feeling will pass. It has to. It will get easier. I put faith into those who have done long hauls, who have done many day 1's, who have slipped and fallen but then found a stride and marched on, never looking back.

[paulywogg]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

hi rc,thanx for this last post,you are so realistic in your recovery and you word it so perfectly some of the same thoughts and feelings im having,keep up the good fight

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 21 - father bought me a keg. Literally.

The morning of Day 21. I'm at my folks for a few days now that it's Christmas. Food aplenty as one would imagine. And drink too. However the drinks cupboard is more and more stuffed with sparkling water, sparkling fruit juices, posh AF ginger beer, and AF beer. This is good, although hiding among all this is a small keg. A small keg of premium beer.

And i'm like, eh??? What's this?

ME: Why do we have a keg of beer?

DAD: Oh, we got that before we heard the news.

Ah. .... Oh .... "heard the news" ... Dad has a good way of articulating things so as they are not articulated directly. But it does make it sound like this headline piece of gossip: "Have you heard the news? RC's stopped drinking. ... I know... never have guessed, eh? ... do you wonder WHY? ... Reckon it's cos he prefers it? .... Nah... he LOVED his booze ... Must be something else... Wait, you don't think it was an "issue" for him, do you? You don;t think he may have had an issue with drinking? ..."

Or maybe the headline news might be:

"Have you heard the news? RC's stopped drinking. ... I know... never have guessed, eh? ... do you wonder WHY?... I think it's STRANGE. ODD. I NEVER trust anyone who doesn't drink. Something about not being able to let go. You need to be able to let go. They probably have control issues. Or something... I'm very suspect."

Perhaps the reason it is news is because it is new - it is literally one of the "news" (one new, two news) that are happening at this point. Once it's old, it's no longer new, and no loner one of the "news" ... Perhaps because it's worth speaking about, it's out of the ordinary. We never hear the news say

NEWSREADER: In to day's news, Bob woke up at 7am, and by 7.15am was out walking the dog. At 8am Bob was having breakfast of porridge and toast. Bob went to work. Bob worked. Bob came home. Bob ate dinner of pork chops, potatoes and peas. Bob watched TV. Bob went to bed with a book. Bob slept... Now, here's Heather with the weather.

Don't get me wrong, I have an ego and I like when peeps speak about me... however, I don't like that peeps speak about the fact that I don't drink. As if it is some sort of weird and dangerous diesease. Or that I am mentally ill in some way.

SOMEONE: He doesn't drink? What do you mean he doesn't drink? Has he seen a doctor about this? Och, piffle - give the lad a stiff drink and tell him to get over himself. Someone who cannot enjoy a good drink doesn't deserve to call themselves a mature and responsible adult. Therefore they must be a child. And if they are clearly an adult to look at, but cannot enjoy life's simple pleasures of a dram now and again, then, well, clearly there is something immature and therefore a bit psychologically questionable about their state of being.

I'm looking forward to it no longer being "news" ...

[lagataloca]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, I just wonder if you realize that your "SOMEONE" who is talking, is you, or at least your former self's interior dialogue. I mention that because what SOMEONE is thinking is not at all what everyone thinks. Its more what heavy drinkers think, and what young people without much life experience think...

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, I am convinced that family will drive you nuts. Just look at me. I'm a rational person....UNTIL I GET WITH MY FAMILY! Holy Moly....just chalk it up to that, it's what I do and it helps me deal. How are you fixed with cats? XO, B

[Icanwithoutacan]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I'm so impressed with all of you! I
Can't even imagine being able to put AF since 2011, Byrdie. Awesome .... RC, sorry you are struggling but I enjoy the heck out if your posts. I had a good AF stint (9 months) about 4 years ago and some short ones since but I slipped and its been uphill ever since- with a whole lot of aww eff it I don't really have problem .... I'm so ambivalent at this point .... Should I? Can I? Do I want to? Quit that is .... I haven't ever "hit bottom" and I don't want to ... Arrrrggh! Hate this

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

lagataloca;1430707 wrote: RC, I just wonder if you realize that your "SOMEONE" who is talking, is you, or at least your former self's interior dialogue. I mention that because what SOMEONE is thinking is not at all what everyone thinks. Its more what heavy drinkers think, and what young people without much life experience think...

I think you might be right! Yet what is so hard to discern is between the "me" who thinks like that and reflects that thinking onto others (who may well not be thinking that) and those who genuinely think "that's a little odd, that you don't drink" ...

But, as has been mentioned many times before on this site, those who do ask "why" are perhaps a) heavy drinkers b) social drinkers who, perhaps deep down, wonder why we need to get drunk/drink in the first place c) are family members who have genuine interest and probably thought there was an issue there in the first place (even if they were never aware of how problematic it may have been) and, as you say laga, d) young 'uns.