Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Deep down and right on top, RC, you are a truly wonderful person. I'm glad my words resonated, although sad it was the passage about fear. You (and I) won't know how good AF can be until we live it, so speculating does not predict the true possibilities.

Lav, Mick, K9, Byrdie, Lolab - they don't seem miserable, do they? So it must get better. It must be fulfilling. In the midst of giving up, we see the loss. We need to courage to bet on an uncertain future. RIGHT? That lassie will fall in love with a sober RC, because that is where you will be your best. That guy has found his humor without booze, his conversing without booze, his ambition without booze, his confidence without booze, his independence without booze, his self-reliance without booze, his self-love without booze.

That last one....it is beyond the booze.

Love, Cat

[ThreeDogNight]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year, RC!! Great advice from KY and Cat.

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Stella wanted me to wish you a very Happy & Healthy New Year RC

Catbuddy - it's true that I am not miserable despite all the difficulties going on in the background of my life. I am happy, confident & growing stronger & more determined with each AF day. You all need to hang in there & just wait a bit, OK? It just takes a bit of time but it will happen for all of you!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

1st January 2013... aka Day 31

Wow. I just read these posts - thank you all. I never know who reads this wee thread but to receive these posts and such support... gee... that only adds resolve to this journey. So thank you, really, it is wonderful to hear.

Cat - i hear you loud and clear - love that post. :l

Hogmanay 2012
OK, so Hogmanay 2012... For the past two Hogmanays, 2010 and 2011, I have retreated up to the north banks of Loch Tay in Perthshire, Scotland. Here lives someone i affectionately call my sis, though we're not of the same parentage. We are close and there are a number of things we have in common - not least a love of the AL, but also a love of Trad music, home-made food and cooking, the countryside and generally not being too concerned about everything being neat and tidy. She lives in a small community, in homes that are eco-friendly and folks including a farmer, a carpenter, a former roadie and a small team of volunteers who work together to create a more sustainable 'green' environment.

It kinda says "me" in many ways. Yet I am also aware of my own ability to easily romanticise particular ways of life.

So, i say all this because for years my "sis" has been a go-to person and environment when I've wanted a break from the city life / uni / work... or, not having anywhere else obvious to turn to at Hogmanay, then to spend that auspicious night there.

But, my "sis" and this environment have also fuelled and embraced my love of drinking and interest in all things involving alcohol. My "sis", I wonder, embraces an image rather than a reality. It is perhaps not for me to say. And for here, this is my journey and not my place to report on another's, but the context is important.

I arrive, she has a beer open already. The only conversation we have is the first 20 minutes. I am straight up with her about my drinking - I am happy for her to know that I feel my drinking was a problem and say so. She's supportive inasmuch as she's not going to ask whether i want a drink. I'm on the wagon. It's accepted.

She and two fellow musicians are playing a ceilidh at a local hotel for posh folks to bring in the new year with. I'm the designated driver. Which I don't mind as it gives an excuse. There are two camps at the hotel: posh folks who paid hundreds of pounds for a few days of new year partying, and the local self-styles plebian farmers who hang around the (very small) bar. I hang with the sheep farmers. There's more banter there, albeit increasingly drunken, than with the posh nobs... who are equally increasingly drunken. The only difference is one lot get drink on Tennants and the other on Courvoisier.

I drink orange and lemonade, followed by a diet coke, followed by sparking H2O followed by a pot of coffee... I'm tired.Time is ticking slow. I'm realising I'm really only here because i did not want to spend this evening at my folks - where I have been for the past week - and that i felt i had to do something... Something that I would have to tell folks when they said "what did you do for Hogmanay?" In Scotland, maybe more than many other countries there is a real pressure to celebrate the new year hard. For many it's the biggest party of the year that lasts until 2am, or 5am. For others it can be a bender for 2,3 4 days. This year for a few it's sure to be a week long binge. Sore heads and sobriety will Scotland wake up to on the morn of the 7th January.

As the clock nears 12, i sneak out to the car to slyly sneak in a sober AF beer for the bells. There after a tonic water and then after that a lemonade to wash down the new year stovies for the punters. We don't get out until well after 1pm ... back to the wee community where one family are still up. The father - the former roadie - is, for lack of a better word, fucked. Happy, but pretty fucked. And he knows i'm on the wagon. Still, he says "Nooo... Wha....?? Nooo..!! C'moan, jisy a one, eh? 'S'newyear! Jis one, jis one, jis one...!" I hold firm. He's harmless, and he's one who likes to party hard. But he's not a daily drinker. His teenage sons are their and they take the piss out of him being drunk.

I down 4 AF beers pretty quick. The way i can still quaff quickly a volume of liquid in these situations is a little curious. Molly made a point about this in to days Army thread also. I did not nurse my drinks when I was a drinker. (Maybe the first glass or two of red, but beyond that no). It seems that inability remains when I am in group drinking situations... it's there like a crutch. Similar perhaps to the way i used to treat smoking. Or the way I'll bring out my phone when standing bored, or feeling vulnerable.. "OH!, look at me! Me - I am someone doing something, ergo I am not sad! Me - I am someone who has people interacting with them through the medium of technology, ergo I'm not lonely! etc etc"

When actually it is OK, it is more than fine, it is a right, to be able to stand or sit and be.

Say nothing. Do nothing. Just be.

I still have a lot of learning to do. As I'd down yet another AF beer.

By 4am I'm lying on a floor ready to fall asleep. At 6am an extremely drunken shepherd who has been driving from one village to the next first-footing stumbles in throwing boots at the folks who sleep. We mumble and soon it gets through to his fuggled drunken head that no one here wants him right now. So he drives off into the morning moon light.

Enjoy it?
I don't regret doing it. Looking at it positively then 1) I can compare it to previous years where I was drunk and 2) I can enjoy myself to a degree with folks around me and I was, too, aware of who were not drinking particularly. There were a couple who may have A drink. But not DRINK drink.

But I'm not sure if I would choose to do that again next year. Maybe. But that is a year away and much can happen in a year. But in a room of drunkards when I am sober - I'd rather be anywhere but there.

Increasingly I can see how the drink was not simply a social lubricant for me, it was also a crutch for feeling insecure with myself. It was like a partner in crime, in love, and in evening solace. I didn't have this partner this Hogmanay, so I was left vulnerable, exposed. And it was OK, but it wasn't WHAHAY! It passed the time.

Hmmm I don;t feel this post has been particularly insightful! But it's a recollection at least of Hogmanay 2012.

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

You and I are so much alike. Drinking was a major social crutch for me, just like my phone, just like the novel I always bring when I dine alone. I find the AF beers help in feeling less out of place. I know this is a crutch, too, but a teeny weeny tiny crutch in comparison, and crutches help us heal broken bodies, right? So I would give yourself some space on that one.

My New Year's Eve was spent alone watching a marathon of Criminal Minds episodes. I was relatively okay with it, lonely, but looking forward to a hiking date with a man I recently met (this would be our second meeting). He cancelled earlier today due to being out too late. Now I do sincerely believe he wants to get together, but it still hurt, and I'm still disappointed. So I'm with you on the lonely part, and it is not fun. But right now, I'm also trying to build my AF muscles, which include handling emotional disappointments. Last night was that for you, too. Not much bonding with your sis. I'm sorry, RC. It is lonely to be sober in a room full of drunkards.

Over Xmas, my sober sister shared a story with me. She told me her 100th day happened to be Thanksgiving. She was at my parents house, I wasn't there as I had recently moved to New York. She said as the day progressed EVERYONE got drunk. Our parents, our siblings. She said she thought she would go crazy at the ridiculousness of it. She said our dad even raised a toast, "Here's to you, giving up drinking," while he got drunk. She called her sponsor who told her to get the hell out of there.

Now, she and I get to huddle in a corner and bond. It's good.

Catbuddy

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Cat,

Thank you for the post. I really hope you get to meet the guy again for a second date. I'm hopeful it was just simply the best laid plans gone awry for him due to new years eve being so often an excuse for having big parties and losing track of time... like the excitement we had as kids when we could stay up late.

That is so good to hear about your sober sis. One thing I do try to remind myself of, or am trying to cultivate in my mind, is that not only is it OK to not drink, but actually by being the only one not drinking does not have to mean being "the sober boring one" far from it... we/I can be the exception to the rule, a trail blazer, an individual who feels no need to follow the hordes like sheep or mindless clucking hens.

I used to think it "cool" to get f***ed. And I used to think the image of the drunks in a bar was who I was... I worked to perpetuate the idea of the drinker (and until a few wee small years ago the smoker too). I still look at paintings that show peeps in warm pubs with roaring fires conversing in chat and cheer. And I still romanticise it. But what I am VERY VERY SLOWLY beginning to/ trying to grasp is the difference between my romaticising and the reality.

I still miss it. Fact.

I want to stop missing it. I want to get beyond that. So right now I still keep chugging on. And I look forward to a day or a night where I find myself bonding with another PLEASED and HAPPY that I am not drinking, not drunk, not needing or wanting to lose myself.

The AF beers are a teeny weeny wee crutch on this journey for now. I loved how you say we need crutches to heal broken bodies. We do. How true.

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, you are moving right along and growing daily. Struggles usually provide us with the most growth. It's what we want to avoid and yet that's where we learn the most. I don't read this thread everyday...I did, but things have gone bonkers around here, but when I do, it's always a delight. You really are growing so much.:l

Cat, your post highlights what so many of us struggle with regarding the cancellation. We tend to immediately go to the negative thought of what is wrong with me or something similar when in fact, as stated in the water wings post to RC, not everyone will like us. We all will deal with some rejection. It's part of life. We are individuals and a square peg doesn't fit in a round hole. There is nothing wrong with either part, they just don't fit together. Of course, you have mean souls out there, too, who like to spread misery and players and crazy nuts. However, when you get comfortable with YOU and like you, then you'll accept this fact and know that some people will like you and some won't and that is A ok. Work to be your authentic self and like who you are, then you'll get the company you should have and not the wrong fit. With all that said, he may have been telling the truth and will call back, but look where our minds go first. That teaches us/you that you haven't learned to love yourself first just yet and those nagging programs life teaches us growing up are still in your head. I will try to address some of that on the daily encouragement thread. I did in the NN nest, but now moving it outside the nest so everyday something may hit someone who needs it.:l

Love,

Slay

[lagataloca]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

It has recently occurred to me that one of the reason's I drank was it made boring things seem less so (like hanging out with a bunch of drunks talking foolishness or watching lame TV), and it also kept me kind of lazy and complacent, not wanting to take on anything challenging or that sounded like too much work while buzzed.

Now I am always looking around for something more to do, while before I would just sit around and have another cocktail. What this means is I need to change my habits and find things to keep my mind and hands busy as boredom is a real trigger. I also think doing more stuff and learning more new things will bring a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that you can't get from anything out of a bottle.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Totally agree Laga. I was going to reply and say that ironically I am looking to do less, but actually I am looking to choose more wisely what I want to be doing with my time. I work 6 days a week and additional to this I was P/T at Uni. I think i have made the decision to not return to Uni for this semester at least... I need to do something that isn't "work" and that will get me out into the wilderness. So I am hoping that by quitting one thing (at least for a short while) I can have time to engage in another activity that I hope will bring me more pleasure (this being hiking up Scotland's mole hills).

I bought new boots, so i better use them.

[Hippyman]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

lagataloca;1436884 wrote: It has recently occurred to me that one of the reason's I drank was it made boring things seem less so (like hanging out with a bunch of drunks talking foolishness or watching lame TV), and it also kept me kind of lazy and complacent, not wanting to take on anything challenging or that sounded like too much work while buzzed.

Now I am always looking around for something more to do, while before I would just sit around and have another cocktail. What this means is I need to change my habits and find things to keep my mind and hands busy as boredom is a real trigger. I also think doing more stuff and learning more new things will bring a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that you can't get from anything out of a bottle.

Well said!

[lagataloca]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I have a friend who has 3 kids and when I would hear all the stuff she would have to do in one day it just AMAZED me that it was even possible. Now I find myself willing to do the extra little stuff that I would never have wanted to bother with before.

For example the mango tree in my backyard bears and drops a ridiculous amount of fruit, and these are the small fiberous mangos, not the big hybrids you can buy in a supermarket, so it takes a long time to peel and pit the flesh, but I have about a gallon of mango in my freezer now, and will most likely not mind continuing to do so as long as the tree provides.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Food, drink, and stress relief (on Day 33)

I woke up yesterday a little stressed. There was no reason to be. I created it. My mind creates it. You see I was still undecided as to whether I should return to my abode in Stirberia, or stay at my folks for another day or two and, yesterday,my folks had a couple of friends coming round for lunch. Which meant lunch became the main meal as opposed to dinner, and this stressed me out.

Granted, I have had many times before the main meal at lunch (just thinking about all those past Christmas lunches, for example, let alone "going for Sunday lunch" to friends or ministers and their families houses when I was a kid). But yesterday, I felt a little out of control.

The night before i had done some looking on a very good website for walking around Scotland Walkhighlands: Scotland walks and accommodation and found a decent enough smaller mountain i might climb.

I try to grab breakfast first, before my folks. The repeating echoey clink of cutlery against crockery as my folks eat, and the sound of my old man munching on his bran flakes and slurping on his tea like some noisy mountain bear has me fizzing with frustration and anger. Why such insignificant things, such small, trite, inconsequential, pathetic excuses for making my blood begin to simmer is a little unknown. And as the folks busied themselves in the morning to get ready for their guests I made the decision then (or felt I had, probably made it the day before... funny that there can often be a difference between when we feel we make a decision and when we actually do (the latter usually happening first)) to head out and climb. And just as I did, disaster struck mother in the kitchen when a recipe doesn't turn out as she'd hoped. My blood fizzes some more as my heart fills with guilt that I decide to not help and instead get out from under them.

Part of me wonders whether I am literally just running away to the hills for a few hours. Perhaps I am. But there is something else too. The impulse to move. The impulse to do physical exertion to placate the pangs of guilt and anger I would feel if I were to eat a big lunch (or a big dinner for that matter). It's really rather strong this impulse. I might have placated it before by soothing feelings with a drink. But I don't have that option. All I felt I had was my decision to do some physical exertion. So I climbed a small mountain - Ben Vrackie; a corbet; 2759ft.

And as soon i started to climb, it was fine. I didn't stroll. I didn't take my time. I chomped at the moor and mountain, getting to the top in little over the hour. And it felt good - being out there and being up there, on top of Ben Vrackie. It was stress relief. And it worked.

But here's the rub. Why do I feel the need to drive into highland Perthshire chomp up a hill or mountain to placate the feelings of anxiety and frustration all tinged with a slight maddening anger. Why can't i just relax with a lovely lunch (I had some when I got back, it was very good) without recourse to feeling the need to "counter-act" it in some way with physical exertion? When in my normal routine (returns next week), I have near total control of what i eat and drink. Here, less so.

I am very wary of mentioning any of this here. I feel somewhat embarrassed that food, eating, has such a hold on me. That I need to feel that I have a hold on it. That I am in control of it. And I wish I was not that person. I wasn't as a kid. Or as a teen. It happened later. And I think I know why. And it used to be very bad this relationship with food. And the residue of that relationship remains both through my recent relationship with AL and also that I remain slim... as my mum so put it the day before when she saw me in my running gear, "There's nothing to you..."But then, in my early 20's, I realised that drink was an option too and that if I drank and got a bit drunk each night, then that was better than the alternative (dealing negatively with food). Drink was the lesser of two evils.

So I drank. And would you believe, I'd wake up the following morning feeling good that I drank. Feeling good that I turned to booze and not to food the previous night. Bonkers... yet, it wasn't and in one way booze helped me. But now that I have taken booze away... everything to do with what I had not fully dealt with 12 - 14 - 16 years ago remains.

Somethings got a hold of me. And if it aint gonna be booze, it seems it's something else. "True freedom" may be more an ideological concept than a real reality (what is "true freedom" really?), but I do wish to be free from the anxiety, frustration, anger and the need for control of these aspects of my life that i live with daily. Presently what placates all of this a little bit... is physical exertion. It's a stress reliever and guilt reducer.

[sweetpea29]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

Hope i dont overstep the mark here by offering my opinion.
I admire the way you are able to articulate what is going on in your head within your posts. I imagine it must be quite therapeutic. Many of your posts resonate with me re. liking oneself, anxiety, frustration etc..

You appear able to identify your 'issues' very well, which must be a good first step in addressing them. Im not an expert at all but is there any support you could seek re the food issue? I dont know maybe like counselling, another forum?

In my humble opinion, using physical activity to deal with the likes of anxiety, anger etc.. is much more productive than using drink or engaging in some other form of self-abuse.

Sorry, i cant offer much advice or help, but would like you to know i admire your courage and wish you well

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 36

Lurking, not posting. As he posts a post.

There's a recent rather good thread appeared on anxiety and alcoholism. Undoubtedly giving up AL relieves us of some anxiety. For some AL may have been the cause of the anxiety. For others it may have exacerbated it. For me it was the latter I believe...

BUT... here's the rub, stopping AL can and may reveal latent anxieties that one may not want to deal with, feel it too hard to deal with, not be ready to deal with. And that's OK. But it is, I believe, part of the recovery to work with and through these anxieties sober to find any true sense of contentment or"freedom" from AL.

The trick is having had these latent anxieties revealed to NOT deal with it by going "fuck it" and buying a bottle.

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

It's wonderful that you can get some relief from stress through physical exertion. It is a good alternative to both food and drink. I know, it does feel like we are 'running scared' a lot of the time. The sense of panic that we can't really make sense of rationally. Hard to deal with things that are sometimes difficult to define or analyze, much less get through.

Feeling very panicky myself this morning....I would go for a walk, or run, but since I started smoking again, (after a 20 year quit), I wake up, struggling just to breathe normally. Not good. My mom died of emphysema. I know I need to stop, but am too afraid not to have a crutch during these early days of sobriety.

Things in my life are quickly coming to a moment of decision. Huge consequenses, and just don't know what to do. No good options. My husband wants me to give notice, get rid of all the furniture, etc. and come home, leaving my son here. He wants nothing more to do with him and will certainly not allow him to live with us. My son desperately wants to leave here, but has nowhere else to go, if he can't live with us. He also no longer has a job back home, no friends, no car, where a car is a necessity.

Things are deteriorating quickly. He has stopped taking his niacin and his schizophrenia is quickly reasserting itself in alarming ways. I'm afraid he is going to lose his job. That will mean losing his place and belongings as well. A year's worth of exhausting work, effort and expense, all for nothing. Losing hope fast........oh, and today is his birthday.

Sorry, RC, didn't mean to hijack your thread.....I feel reluctant to post on the Newbie's Nest. People are no doubt sick of hearing about this. I desperately need to talk to someone, and you have been so open and honest about your own struggles. I guess I feel more comfortable here.......again, sorry....