Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

I was thinking about you and wondering if you are ok. Sorry you are struggling so much. It reminds me of my signature line about the drink finally just ending the irritation of wanting that drink. Sometimes I would just go get the damn drink, to end the mental agony of fighting with myself over that drink for hour upon hour. I just wanted to get it over already! End the struggle.

I loved 'Letter to my Lover'. Every word, true. Thankfully, it finally seems that it's true, about taking three weeks to establish another habit. It is no longer automatic to have wine every evening. I'm finally starting to make my tea, have a club soda with a splash of cranberry juice in it, and not resent it. The old habit is no longer as dominant as it was. I finally have a choice in the matter.

I think you are right, about anger and rage covering up feelings that hurt or that make us feel helpless or unloved. Anger is so much easier to deal with, but hides the real issue. You put it so poignantly.

Hope this isn't too corny, but I have started to look at taking care of myself in a different way: I try to think of myself as my body's parent. My body is like a child, totally dependent on me for it's care. A sick, defenseless child, that I am beating up and kicking around and thoughtlessly poisoning.

In our fear and self-loathing, we almost feel that we deserve to be hurt. Try to think of your body (and yourself) as your helpless child. Show it some love, RC. You both need it. Try not to beat yourself up anymore. You and your body deserve better. Hugs to you.

[Patrick]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC dont you dare.Your strength, openness and insight are vital to a lot of people here.I dont post much but I,m on here everyday and your Stella thread is my first port of call.You have a gift with words and an insight to emotions that we are all feeling but cannot express in the way you can.So dont undo all your hard work when you know damn well you,ll only be back here after a day or two licking your wounds and feeling silly for doing it.Love yourself Dude, after reading you thoughts for so long, I think you one hell of person ,I hope you battle through it brother.

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Mein Sonnenschein,

I was just re-reading the posts on this thread and realized that nobody had responded to your post. Welcome to My Way Out. I know you had 2 days when you posted. Hope you are still hanging in there.

Join us over in the Newbie's Nest (under 'Just Starting Out'). Lots of support over there with people in all stages of their quit. There is also a Newbie's nest roll call, where people check in every day, if you are interested.

Sorry, I meant to respond to you, but was so distraught over my own problems at the time, I completely missed the opportunity. Again, welcome and thank you for the kind words of encouragement you gave, in the midst of your own struggles. So glad you are here!

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, remember the stages of grief that we must transcend to get to the ultimate goal of acceptance!! Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I think you are bringing up the Bargaining rear and hitting the flat spot of Depression. This is normal. If you hang in there for just a wee bit longer you will be thru this rough spot and on to the place where the fields are green and the mountain goats are contentedly munching the fresh clover. Please trust the folks who have gone before you..... You are ALMOST out of the grip! Hang in there....I am telling you, these mind games will STOP!! If it stayed this hard no body could do this...if the struggles remained as strong as they are, we'd all fail. Please trust me one more time when I say you can break free of this...these thoughts will be history, and what a wonderful place that is. Your mind will be a peaceful place instead of being full of scorpions. Just hang in there...do NOT give in no matter what and no matter who...Getting thru all the phases of grief is important...and you are getting there! Don't give up before the miracle happens. Byrdie

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hang on, RC. Byrdie is not full of hype; it does get better. Boy, for a trip down a bad memory lane, there are my posts from about week 3 into the third month. I was depressed, really, really angry, tearful, you name it.

I think we have that sorrow from giving up AL, and then we find out how much sorrow is still left from other sadness in life, never dealt with but without an expiration date. Be confident that some is going to naturally pass with these grief stages, and some may need it's own path. But it will never be as big again as what it is right now.

That's reassuring, right?

Cat

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Captured more succinctly,

Where you are is not where you will be tomorrow, unless you perpetuate what brought you here today.

Cat

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Gripped. That's a good word. That's what it feels like. It feels like I've been gripped. Gripped and torn two ways by vying thoughts and emotions; as if my brain's grey and while fields of matter have been chosen as the battle ground for some revolution.

You've just described the mind of a woman who stays in an abusive relationships. I've compared it to the fight we have with AL. This statement is brilliant! "my brain's grey and while fields of matter have been chosen as the battle ground for some revolution." It becomes a crazy maker a place for insanity to continue on and on...

To be honest, right now I feel I have negative thoughts and emotions that have gripped me in a full-nelson.
What would be the antidote for negative thoughts, RC? What's the cure? Apply the cure. The infection may be a strong one that is tough to beat, but there is a cure. Maybe not a quick fix or a straight line to victory, but a cure that if applied regularly as directed will defeat the enemy.

I spent a good part of today thinking "fuck it, have a drink. Really, fucking have a drink. Who really gives a fuck? Have one! What's the matter with you... HAVE ONE! HAVE A GOD DAMN DRINK..."

Yeah, I know that voice. Who the hell does it think it is? Apparently, it isn't interested in helping me get better. It wants me to give up and surrender...make me into a quitter. It belongs to the hopeless and defeated department. I think the big boss should fire the whole damn department once and for all for the shoddy work and yet the department still exists with all its whining.

But in truth, this rage, this rage that is hidden and that I hide so well in reality through jokes, or slapping on a smile, or just by non-engagement... this rage feels like a cover. A cover for just wanting a hug, someone to turn to, someone to hold and to hold me, while un-wept tears silently begin to fall.

And there it is, the hole within. The hole that wants to be filled with love and acceptance. Do you think you can fill the hole yourself? Do you think you need someone else to fill it?

Love,

Slay

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

AF, Patrick, Byrdie, Cat, Slay... bloody hell. Umm... somewhat humbled by all your posts. Thank you for taking the time to. I am listening to each of your words. I feel I'm kinda white knuckling through the anger. But it is abating I hope. Found an excellent e.e. cummings quote today...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

To be nobody but yourself...

[lolab]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

hey RC - I don't leave the nest much - but for you, I will...:-) I hope you're doing ok...working through this phase....

I know that every time I tripped up....every time I decided to drink again...it was because I found myself in a "funk"....and thought - for whatever reason - that I wouldn't find my way out of it. It goes against reason. Life is full of ups and downs...I should have known that. I've always had good days and bad days...good weeks and bad weeks....but I guess before I had always medicated through the bad ones. Anyway...my theory is this: That there are all kinds of little backslides along the way of getting comfortable in our sober skin....plateaus and then backslides and those backslides are where you can't see what's up ahead....and when I would usually give up and drink. But I eventually - for whatever reason - (maybe I didn't have an opportunity to sneak out to buy vodka?) I didn't get to drink when I thought I HAD to....and guess what? The next thing that happened was a new phase of acceptance and happiness.

Someone put it here and I love it...advice to newbies....don't give up before the magic happens. I know that we can get real impatient...thinking that the magic must have happened already, and I am just not too impressed with it....but it really does take a significant amount of time....of magic happening in small increments - for us to see things clearly....

:l lola

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RunningCourage;1442311 wrote: AF, Patrick, Byrdie, Cat, Slay... bloody hell. Umm... somewhat humbled by all your posts. Thank you for taking the time to. I am listening to each of your words. I feel I'm kinda white knuckling through the anger. But it is abating I hope. Found an excellent e.e. cummings quote today...

Don't let imperfect me humble you, RC. I work to lift people, but I have skinned knees. It allows me to feel compassion and offer hope to others.:l Struggle we do...

Slay

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

Slay is right: 'And there it is: the hole within. The one that wants to be filled with love and acceptance.' Instead, we fill it with AL, and many times, when we give up AL, we fill it with something else, not always good. We need to fill that hole, starting with the love and acceptance of ourselves. To be perfectly comfortable in our own skin. Not always 'running scared' and wanting to escape. But it's easier said than done.

RC, I loved your link, 'Be Human, Be Imperfect....'. We always treat ourselves so harshly. So much worse than we would ever dream of treating others. Especially when they are down, defeated and depressed. This self-loathing has got to stop. We have to start caring for ourselves and treating ourselves with respect and compassion. Become 'beloved' to ourselves.

It's interesting how we look at abusive relationships and wonder how someone can keep going back for more. And yet, look at our relationship with AL. No matter how many times we get beat up, we keep coming back for more....'it will be different this time........the voice/chatter that seduces us back, time after time. Amazingly similar. Too bad we can't get a restraining order: no contact allowed. If only the voices could be banished! Hard, when it's in your own head.

Keep posting RC. You, too, Slay. I think it really helps a lot to share our struggles. I know it does for me. How I resisted, and how much it helped when I finally did. Thanks to all of you. Hugs, too.

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

The most abusive relationship is the one we have with ourselves.

I am my own child. I was born perfect and beautiful ( I KNOW that, I have seen the photos )
This is how I have been treating my child.

I have starved her for years with eating disorders.
Told her she was fat and ugly time and time again.
Made her work far too hard and gave her hardly any breaks.
No matter how well she did or hard she worked I was never satisfied with her
I never treated her to enough new clothes or did nice things for her to make her feel good.
I fed her drugs every day to shut her up so I didn't have to listen to her.
When she was obviously getting ill I ignored her and didn't get her help.

If this was a child you were given to raise you would be jailed for neglect.

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Kuya,

That is one of those wow, posts.

I'm going to put that in for tomorrow's inspiration.

Thank you!:l

Love,

Slay

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Day 43

kuya;1442969 wrote: The most abusive relationship is the one we have with ourselves.

I am my own child. I was born perfect and beautiful ( I KNOW that, I have seen the photos )
This is how I have been treating my child.

I have starved her for years with eating disorders.
Told her she was fat and ugly time and time again.
Made her work far too hard and gave her hardly any breaks.
No matter how well she did or hard she worked I was never satisfied with her
I never treated her to enough new clothes or did nice things for her to make her feel good.
I fed her drugs every day to shut her up so I didn't have to listen to her.
When she was obviously getting ill I ignored her and didn't get her help.

If this was a child you were given to raise you would be jailed for neglect.

Thank you Kuya - a most excellent post (sound a bit like Bill and Ted there). And one that needs repeated dwelling on. Not thinking, just simple mindfulness of the fact that I/you/we have neglected ourselves. And a little TLC is needed.

I have spent this weekend (i.e. Fri and Sat evenings) in watching a movie, reclining, chilling. Part of me wishes I was out. But there does not seem to be anywhere to go out to. And part of me wishes I would not stress that I am not out every weekend... I DON'T have a circle of friends who meet up regularly. My "social life" is ad hoc and intermittent. I DO want to be more social, but neither do I want to hide from the fact that, actually, the older I get, the less need and desire there is to be out all the time.

And I am way more thankful to wake up this morning, prior to meeting strangers to walk over hills for 6 hours, sober and with a mild sense of morning contentment (even if I wished last night had been more "fun" or I had shared it with others) rather than waking up feeling sicky, guilty and laden with a morning of thinking "I really must try and not drink" simply because I had had a party-for-one. That's not really a "party" is it:

PARTY [pahr-tee]noun
1. a social gathering, as of invited guests at a private home, for conversation, refreshments, entertainment, etc.: a cocktail party.

Nope, no matter what way I look at, my parties-for-one were no social gathering. There were no invited guests. There was no spoken conversation. Little entertainment. Although there were refreshments...

But that's called "drinking" not "partying".