Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

More rambles (best used for bedtime reading for something to bore ya to sleepyland)

Kuya,

Voices and tapes on a loops. Get it. The endless berating of the self, brought on in part by listening too much to "society"... Understand.

What i struggle with is not necessarily that there is a voice on a looped tape saying "you're not good at x, y, z" but that I simply DON'T KNOW what I AM good at. The fear of just being mediocre at absolutely everything. Couldn't even be a full blown stage 4 alkie. Nup. Too feart. Thought I'd end at stage 2. Played it safe, I did.

Is this perpetual "I don't know..." a voice on a looped tape also?

Obviously I no longer wake with the guilt from drinking. Or a hangover. But where I used to feel euphoric waking up when I first quit, now i just look into the day and wonder if there is going to be something better than the knowledge I woke up feeling, well, well. It reminds of that Frank Sinatra quote: ?I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.? BUT I'm not looking at the day, Frank. I'm looking at the weeks and months, Frank. I'm looking at my life, Frank.

I admire people who choose not to drink.

But I digress... what was once a muggy, groggy feeling of shittiness, is now a feeling of shittiness - with clarity. And I can't quite pinpoint what the shittiness is. I have ideas, notions. Perhaps I'm tired of the thinking. Though I'm hardly a thinker... Perhaps I'm tired of emotions and memories and fears all grinding inside my head, my gut, my heart.

I am sorry this sounds maudlin. And please forgive me long-termers if you think I might put peeps off! What I do have right now is some sense of resolve, some inner will power, some THING - I don't know what - that keeps the AF days building. I am not drinking. I do not drink."Drink?" ... "No thanks" ... Pretty easy.

But I hate feeling I'm on a treadmill... not even that... that even the treadmill feels a bit of an effort. FUCK! :H :H Jeezus, I don't know. I really don't. Am i just perpetuating this? Is it something more? Is it in fact nothing at all - hey there RC, this is LIFE!

(Really?)

REALLY! Smile and say CHEESE!

cheese...

Awesome, RC. Now, go on get out there!

:new:

[Kradle123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RunningCourage;1410680 wrote:

There are things in all our lives we are dealing with. That is life. We try to be grateful, but the fact is, life is a fecking work-in-progress. There's a lot of shit out there. But a whole lot of good too. And whatever it is we have to deal with, whatever today's task is, whether it be work, caring for a parent, having to drive the kids to school, having to file divorce papers, having to go to court for something you did, having to own up to an extra-marital affair, having to stand up, having to deal with what the doc says about you, having to simply speak up, having to get out of bed, having to go to school, having to think about something, having to pray for someone, having to pay the gas bill, having to do nothing but get through the damn fucking day and night, WHATEVER the task is for you...it can be hard.

But dowsing yourself in booze?

Makes it all a darn sight harder.

Remind me - AL makes me depressed.

Well...I need to read this over and over and over and over...
My husband just left for a three day out of town job.....And the Gold calls to Us...Bacardi Gold that is: a pirate's double entendre I suppose..

Thanks for the reminder RC

:l:h

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Kradle123;1449201 wrote: Well...I need to read this over and over and over and over...
My husband just left for a three day out of town job.....And the Gold calls to Us...Bacardi Gold that is: a pirate's double entendre I suppose..

Thanks for the reminder RC

:l:h

Excuse me RC while I hijack your thread for a wee discourse with Kradle.

Hi Kradle, I read a reply of yours on another thread a couple of days back and it got me thinking about you and how several times I have heard you lament your lost years, regret your lost youth.
I remember feeling so angry, so bitter that a violent man and booze had stolen my thirties.....I was absolutely FURIOUS, first with him then with myself.

Our society puts so much prize on youth, particularly for women, that sober or not losing our youth is like death.
One thought that turned it around for me was realising that at 50 I had been an adult for only 30 years. This meant, if I lived to only 70 I was ONLY just over half through. If I lived to 90 ( which is reasonable these days) I HAD MORE ADULT LIFE AHEAD OF ME THAN BEHIND ME!

Boy did that cheer me. There I was, older yes, but so much wiser. All I had to do was get sober to enjoy it. It has taken work to get here but I intend to sieze the rest of my life by the balls and shake it ! :H:H:H

Stop looking back, my love, if it had been the best and happiest life imaginable it would still be over. In fact we are fortunate to have had addiction to wake us up to our mortality.

Kradle you have half your life still to live, the attitude, and therefore the life you CHOOSE is completely up to you :h

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Love the hijack Kuya, great post :h

[Kradle123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

kuya;1449252 wrote: Excuse me RC while I hijack your thread for a wee discourse with Kradle.

Hi Kradle, I read a reply of yours on another thread a couple of days back and it got me thinking about you and how several times I have heard you lament your lost years, regret your lost youth.
I remember feeling so angry, so bitter that a violent man and booze had stolen my thirties.....I was absolutely FURIOUS, first with him then with myself.

Our society puts so much prize on youth, particularly for women, that sober or not losing our youth is like death.
One thought that turned it around for me was realising that at 50 I had been an adult for only 30 years. This meant, if I lived to only 70 I was ONLY just over half through. If I lived to 90 ( which is reasonable these days) I HAD MORE ADULT LIFE AHEAD OF ME THAN BEHIND ME!

Boy did that cheer me. There I was, older yes, but so much wiser. All I had to do was get sober to enjoy it. It has taken work to get here but I intend to sieze the rest of my life by the balls and shake it !

Stop looking back, my love, if it had been the best and happiest life imaginable it would still be over. In fact we are fortunate to have had addiction to wake us up to our mortality.

Kradle you have half your life still to live, the attitude, and therefore the life you CHOOSE is completely up to you :h

Dear Kuya:

Your post was so incredible to me. You are such a carng , insightful woman; I had tears especially since as I was reading my daughter was giving me kisses and then quite suddenly said, "Mom! You have pin holes in your face! "
It's such a double head sword - my gorgeous kids and a life I'm terrified/mortified that I didn't create or maybe can't create for them because of my past.

Ive told my children that I plan on living till 93 so I can attend my sons 50th and then I'm outta here. Of course now I have to rethink because the twins want me at their 50th

And OMG your post back to RC! That was my morning too! You must have been hiding in my closet...following me all day- Ann Lamott, one of my favorite authors and also one of us said she had KFUKD Radio playing 24/7 in her head and her mind was like wandering around a really Bad neighborhood around 2am... C'est moi...

I know you are right - I need to let go and every time I pick up a drink(which thankfully is less and less; my last gasp as Byrdie calls it) I stay put in the past. It's just so damn hard and to be honest I have no idea how...except not to drink and stay here at MWO with you and all these great people..:h

I'll get there ...I will I will I will..damnit. :dang:

:l

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

As I read your reply this came jumping into my head.

For you Kradle....enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw&sns=em[/video]]Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance - YouTube

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

I was reading your post and believe that you are going through the 'Is this all there is' phase that many people hit, once they've gotten through the earliest stages of sobriety. Struggling to find meaning, purpose, identity.......or the holy grail: a sense of comfort and contentment in one's own skin.........

I remember watching a movie years ago, with Joanne Woodward. Her husband had left her, her teenage daughters were wrapped up in their own lives.....leaving her in crisis, just trying to find her way........can't remember the name of it.....

She realized that she had essentially spent her life being defined by others and her relationship to them. She was someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's mother....like her only identity and existence was defined like radar: only as it 'pinged' off other people. Take away those roles, and there's a big empty hole.

She felt that for many years, her life had consisted of no more than taking on all the mundane tasks of life for everyone else in the family: laundry, shopping, cooking, which enabled her husband and daughters, to pursue more 'meaningful' lives. Now, she was struggling to find herself and find some direction and meaning in her own life.

I've had to endure and get through a lot in the last few years. Most of my two years sober were spent dealing with some majorly stressful events, which seemed to come out of nowhere. I finally stopped asking what the hell ELSE can happen? Just one thing after another. Big things. Then, after relapsing, trying to deal with stuff, while 'managing' my drinking. Fear, anxiety, dread of every day and what it would bring.

I'm glad to be sober and not have the fear, anxiety and dread magnified. To feel better physically. But I have to admit, I'm still struggling with not seeing much happiness, joy or peace in my future. I feel like life is just one big dodgeball game; life pitching ball after ball at you, trying to take you down. You, just trying to stay on your feet and in the game. Forget happy, joyous and free.

Thanks for sharing your struggles, RC. With such honesty, too. Makes others feel like they are not alone, when feeling the same way. Glad there is a place to share honestly, without feeling like you might discourage a newcomer. Hang in there. Hugs.

[Siren136]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I have always known what I wanted at any given point in time. I'm driven and ambitious and I go for what I want. I don't understand people who don't know what they want. And that's not to say that I'm right and you're wrong, but just that I struggle to give advice in this area. My husband is the same way - he wants to have his own business, but he's not really qualified to do anything. The times he has tried to force me into the role AlmostFree describes by threatening divorce were the times I was my most depressed and drank the most. I refuse to be that way any more. If he wants to go because I am my own person then he can just go.

RC, you may think that you're mediocre in everything, but I have been on this site just over a week now and have read many of your posts. You write so beautifully and it hurts me that you don't know that. Have you thought about entering any writing contests or just writing a series of short stories? I also think that you have a knack for getting to the very heart of an issue pretty quickly - you're very insightful that way. I think you would also be an excellent counselor or teacher. Do you have any interest in that?

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Siren,

I agree with you about RC. He is such a talented writer, funny and insightful. I was remembering a suggestion (I believe by Kuya) to write down a list of good and bad things about yourself. Everything you can think of. On paper. Other people who have done this seem to agree that you end up liking yourself much more, and accepting that you are just human like everyone else. Someone on here who took the challenge, said that they found that they would gladly choose themselves if it was for a friend, a roommate, co-worker, etc. I think we are all too hard on ourselves and sell ourselves short constantly.

As far as having 'roles', I think age and culture can have a lot to do with expectations. The older generation was much more role oriented. In days gone by, when everyone married and married young, and with unreliable birth control, almost every woman was relegated to full time homemaker. Many traditional societies still have these expectations. Or those brought up with traditional religious backgrounds. These are the expectations and I can see how it can cause conflict, when a woman wants something else for herself. Probably this is the way the disappointed spouse was raised and it didn't even occur to them to discuss the issue before marriage.

[Slaythefear]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

For you, RC.

I haven't been reading a lot around the board lately, but this reminded me of you when I saw it. I hope you get a chuckle out of it.



Love,

Slay Attached files [img]/converted_files/2036098=7354-attachment.jpg[/img]

[lolab]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hey RC! I am peeking in over here for a minute...:-) First, don't apologize for voicing your feelings here...that was your intent for this thread anyway...and if any of us ever gave the impression that this was a one time decision - and that our lives changed immediately for the better, and we never looked back - then that wasn't our intent and it probably wasn't a good message to send to new folks anyway....

But where I used to feel euphoric waking up when I first quit, now i just look into the day and wonder if there is going to be something better than the knowledge I woke up feeling, well, well. It reminds of that Frank Sinatra quote: ?I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.? BUT I'm not looking at the day, Frank. I'm looking at the weeks and months, Frank. I'm looking at my life, Frank.

I do think it's important that people expect this "stage" to hit them at some point, and probably at SEVERAL points along the way. That wondering "what next?" "is this it?" That initial pride is gone - the wonder of driving without being worried about being pulled over...the amazement of driving at night! ...the face doesn't look so bright in the mirror anymore because we're used to it....And I remember for a long time feeling that I had sooo much extra time in the day. But guess what? I don't even feel that anymore. My days fly by....and I never have enough time - BUT - once again, I'm going to say -hang tough - without looking within - TOOO much....All of life's unanswered questions won't miraculously be solved now that alcohol is out of the picture....Yes, you'll have a much better chance at working through them than you did before - but you really do have to give it time.

I really was thinking about this just this morning....that I don't really feel any of that euphoria anymore...but I also don't feel the anxiety and need to drink. I don't have the weight of that veil of alcohol draped over me every single day - clouding my vision and making the world seem so dismal.

I do believe in my heart that each time we hit a low point - we have to push a little harder to get past it to emerge at a new level of understanding about exactly who we are without alcohol....

Funny thing is - after almost a year and a half - I'm discovering that who I am without it is pretty much who I thought I was with it. if that makes any sense....

Keep talking it out - but be prepared - I bet you'll turn a corner very soon...:-)

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

lolab;1449865 wrote:
All of life's unanswered questions won't miraculously be solved now that alcohol is out of the picture....Yes, you'll have a much better chance at working through them than you did before - but you really do have to give it time.

I really was thinking about this just this morning....that I don't really feel any of that euphoria anymore...but I also don't feel the anxiety and need to drink.

I do believe in my heart that each time we hit a low point - we have to push a little harder to get past it to emerge at a new level of understanding about exactly who we are without alcohol....

Funny thing is - after almost a year and a half - I'm discovering that who I am without it is pretty much who I thought I was with it. if that makes any sense....

Keep talking it out - but be prepared - I bet you'll turn a corner very soon...:-)

AHA! thank you Lolab. Deep down I reckon you've articulated so much of what I think I was wondering. The WONDER of sobriety is both in the euphoria in the small things we quickly recognise in the first days and weeks of sobriety, but, when they fade, it is also being awake to the everyday things - our senses, our coping mechanisms, our emotions, our own voices. These have always been there, but sobriety brings clarity.

And with clarity comes pain also - anger, frustration, feeling uncomfortable too (such as I feel right now with having to listen to my flatmates music and comments on it through the wall... or facing up to coming to terms with issues that have been kept submerged by booze). But I keep telling myself, "tough shit - this is life, either face it or hide." And that's hard.

Yet I believe we are here on MWO because we want to face it, because we are trying to face it. Even if we are still hiding. This takes real courage. Not a loud abrasive courage, but a quiet self-determined courage.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."

Can't quite believe i just quoted Churchill :H :H

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 58

Running: I have signed up for my second marathon. Brighton - 14th April. This has added emphasis to my training. Have a little less inclination to roll over and sleep another half hour and instead hit the road.

Uni: Promised myself last year that I would give up Uni. I felt I had too much on, and wasn't particularly enjoying it. Not enough time just to be. Yesterday I enrolled for the new semester My reasoning was a) it's a 1st yr English Lit module (my previous modules have been 3rd yr philosophy) b) No exam, only 2 essays - MUCH prefer this type of assessment c) Reading will feel less of an effort - in theory, as books will be lit' not academic textbook.

Health:
Tue - See doc 1 re tiredness
Wed - Talk shop

Work: Whenever I think about heading into work, I don't feel any of the same enthusiasm I once felt, say, 4 or 5 months ago. This continues to be the case for now. Not the time to be doing anything about it. So head down and make the buck.

Home: Hardly. But will be moving in a couple of months. There is something about my own peace and how it is disturbed by the proximity of those I live with that really rattles me. Makes me nauseated and stressed. If I'm being honest I have felt this since NOT living on my own. Yet when I lived on my own I constantly wondered that perhaps it'd be better if I lived with someone.

Why? Because I was lonely?

Well, perhaps not. Perhaps it was because I knew I drank too much and wanted to live with another so as to hopefully drink less. YET when I did have to move in with peeps it didn't take long (usually within a week) to go from the casual "normal" 2 cans of beer in public to turn into the bottle of wine plus x number of cans of beer for my private party for one.

I feel this week things are beginning to slowly move forward. Or perhaps, Lolab, I have reached the corner - but it's quite a big corner, and may take some time to turn right round it! Anyway, this is all for the good methinks

[sweetpea29]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC -Im a good few corners behind you, following your lead so to speak.

We need to remember though to navigate corners safely we need to go down a gear or two.

I admire your courage and determination in quitting booze but also how you can get outa yer pit to run, work full-time and study and still have time to create meaningful and funny posts here. I do hope you recognise your talents.

I can empathize with you on the living situation having spent yrs sharing with others, couldnt do it now tbh. My bro 'lodges' with me but that aint the same.
Good luck with finding somewhere you can be comfortable, and for the doctor tomorrow x

And go easy on yerself man :l

[lolab]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RunningCourage;1452322 wrote: Or perhaps, Lolab, I have reached the corner - but it's quite a big corner, and may take some time to turn right round it! Anyway, this is all for the good methinks

It sure does seem like it RC...:l Seems too, like it helped you to write the things down - like you can talk yourself into being overwhelmed by taking another class - because it's "Just one more thing" you have going on - but once you write it down, you see, it shouldn't be at all like the others that have been so much more time consuming. And to realize that yeah, you DO want to do something about the work situation and you WILL - but right now isn't the best time for you. I've got to remember your "notes from day 58" when I feel overwhelmed by life. thanks! ANd great job.